Happy Manly Monday! “In this day and age,” say the lovely folks over at Jezebel, “it is truly not that hard to get laid. Or rather, it shouldn’t be.” Their post, A Guy’s Guide To Not Getting It On, goes on to explain how — due to “some combination of egotism, stupidity, bad text-messaging skills and utter immaturity” — a bunch of guys somehow manage to fuck up their chances. “I believe we can call these men The Unfuckables.” Damn, I love Jezebel! In case you missed it last week, their real-life, what-not-to-do examples were really funny and the posted comments are even more hilarious. My favorites?
- “Don’t ever say ‘Do you want me to give you a blowjob?’ I’m a girl. The language doesn’t work both ways.”
- “Don’t hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.”
- “Don’t text me on a Tuesday night after midnight ‘I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted.’ I’m not.”
- “Don’t call it ‘my junk’ or any pet names when asking me to touch it. In fact, don’t ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don’t want to.”
- “Do not try to pick up a black woman by saying, ‘Hey, I’m going to a rap concert tonight! Hope I don’t get shot!’ ::finger guns:: “
- “Don’t lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.”
Brilliant, huh? Except the anti-public groping one; I’m actually a fan of that stuff. Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, feel free to use the comments section to post personal examples of random ways past dates / catcallers / others screwed their chances of hooking up with you. Or, even better, head over to Jezebel to read the original post and the sequel. HOURS of tear-producing, stomach-hurting laughs, I tell ya. Seriously.
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Photo Credit: Image by Irineu I Degasperi
Note: When image googling “unfuckables” for a good pic for this post, pictures of both Hillary Clinton and Jesus Christ showed up on the results’ first page. Bizarre.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
LOL @ blow job… My X used to ask for a blow job all the time, it confused me.
My favorite unfuckable line is: “Damn Gurrrl your pussy looks fat in those jeans”…..
actually the ” blowjob” comment works both ways. when a man “gives” a woman a blowjob, he is consenting for her to swallow his knob…..Some women actually really enjoy giving head.
anyhoo
I’ve had people talk themselves out of sex. Usually it involves them telling me how long it takes for them to cum. Like
” it takes a long time for me to cum”
Me—-” define ……long”
at this point, in my mind sex has gone from the fun happytime…to thinking it will be work…..
I don’t mind whiling away the hours in bed. I just don’t want it to feel like a job….
congrats on the calendar!!! junk in the trunk, i have always hated that term…such a turn out. i also had a boyfriend years ago that would ask me to EAT him (by that he meant give him a blowjob) GROSS, visions of HBO’s OZ would pop into my head.
so a name is not just a name, girls get eaten, boys get blown.
alicia
http://www.todaystyle.today.com
My favorite line is “I’ve never slept with a Black woman before, what’s it like?” I swear a guy asked me that in a club once. My response was: Well, I’m not a lesbian, so how would I know???” Bless his heart, he was pretty drunk, so I had to forgive him.
@ Deon: I’ve never had a guy ask me that, but I imagine it could be confusing.
@ Erika: Oh gawd. :(
@ dkzone: Who doesn’t enjoy doing it?!?! :) Actually a know a lot of women who don’t, but that’s neither here nor there. To each their own. Me? I like it. And, yeah, I agree: sex wouldn’t feel like “hard work.” It should be fun. If you have to try that hard, one (or both parties) is (are) not really into it.
@ alicia: Thanks for the congrats. I’m really looking forward to the calendar. :) And, yeah, you’re right: “girls get eaten, boys get blown.”
@ starkitty50: I’ve never slept with a black woman either, but my exes have. They’ve never complained. ;)
Ouch, my stomach really does hurt right now.
Hm, I can’t recall anything worth sharing here. Definitely nothing as lawl as mentioned in the entry. FORTUNATELY! :)
it reminds me of that scene in ” american gigolo” when Richard Gere talks about how it took him 2 hours to get this middle aged woman off…… and that younger women were waay easier to please sexually.
btw….some women have a clit large enough to ” get blown”
my best : ” do you believe in the Hereafter….. then, you know what.. I’m here after… ”
second….. ” It must be jelly ….. ’cause jam dont shake like that…..”
and third and last…..” Do the collars and cuffs match….”
lamesabassman…… still looking for clues……
The worst one was at a nightclub…He said “Damn u got some sexy lips, I be you could suck a mean dick!”
inside I was dying to hit him. but I just licked my lips and gave him my best sexy look then whispered in his ear “you’ll NEVER know”. He followed me around all night! LOL