Here we go again. When I write about judging myself about weight gain, people assume I’m automatically going to judge them, too. The vibe seems to be like, “If she thinks she’s fat, does she think the same about me?” I’ve actually had people tell me (via via) that the stuff I write about weight can be very hurtful. That, of course, confuses me. I’d have to double check to be sure, but I think I’ve only ever said I like the gym, I want to weigh less and I think BDD falls along a continuum. Wait. Let me stick with that last point there …
For those who missed that blog post, the BDD stuff drew blood!!! :( People who suffer from hardcore BDD got pissed off and started spreading shit about me in that community! I’m soooooo not joking. Seriously. After a while, a bunch of random people started searching for my site by googling funkybrownchick + BDD. It’s odd how blogging works. The things I worry will be controversial (Anal Is The New Oral) don’t make anyone blink, and stuff I couldn’t imagine anyone would freak out about REALLY sets people off. As with many forums that: (1) are left open indefinitely and (2) include participants who can’t separate themselves from the issue: the comments devolved into personal attacks. I think Bro said it best: “Remember, when you talk about BDD, you’re dealing with people who literally hate themselves. What else did you expect them to say?” Bro’s right. Besides, I’m old enough to know when to leave other people’s issues just as they are: other people’s issues. So, I deleted the nastiest comments of the bunch. But, enough about that and back to the topic of today’s post.
Last week, I stepped on a white bathroom scale at my friend’s house and discovered that I weigh 136 pounds. I’m small-framed and only 5’5″ tall (5’7″ with heels). I prefer to stay within the 118 – 125 range, and I’ve never weighed this much in my life. I’m sure endless alcohol drinking and cupcake munching haven’t helped my situation. But, whatever. I’m getting back on track. Eating healthier foods. Buying fewer cupcakes. Passing on beer and opting for wine. Working out more. I’ve got a gym membership again, and I’m looking forward to sweating my way back to 125 before the year’s end. I even bought a new scale for my bathroom!
For me, getting down to 125 shouldn’t be hard; I’m neurotic about weight so I burn calories like a motherfucker. My problem will be staying in the 120s and resisting the urge to drop lower. Just like gamblers don’t know when to cash in their chips and take their money home, people with weight issues often don’t know when to say when.
We’ll see how this goes.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. I’m 5’4 110 1bs. and would love to be about 125 lbs…maybe even closer to your weight. I have to work my ass off strength training in the gym in order not to dip below 110.
I’m a guy and I have massive body image issues (among others).
I’m 176 at 5’10″. I’ve been trying to stay a lean 176 for over a year now and I’ve given up. I’m going back down to the mid to low 160′s. I can stay in the 170s if I eat crap, but trying to stay that heavy and eating right proved to be too much.
I’ve been told I have an ‘unhealthy body image’. By no means do I have an eating disorder, nor do I think I have BDD, it’s just that I’m rather skinny but I’m perfectly happy with it (i.e. I don’t stress about it and wish I could gain more weight – technically my BMI is under what it should be).
I AM however fitness conscious (heh, well I try to anyway!). So I’ll work out and stay in shape simply for health reasons rather than appearance.
Regarding the nasty comments, I think Bro got it right. You can’t win with people like that so..don’t take what they say seriously! Goodluck!
Advantage, birds! We hardly weigh anything! If we did we’d never get our feathered asses off the ground. Just ask an ostritch – you get too big, you can’t fly. It’s good to be a bird.
Hi there Tawanna,
At 46, I do what I want and say what I want without worrying about pleasing other people. (At 26 and even 36 I cared what other people thought of me. Not anymore.)
I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT. Let me write that again. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT.
Therefore, I run 3 miles a day three days a week. I workout at the health club. I eat low fat foods and stay the hell away from cupcakes.
Every year I go to a beach in Mexico. NOBODY wears one piece bathing suits on this beach. (Some should, but they don’t. LOL) My yearly visits to Mexico help to motivate me to stay thin.
Covering your body up and getting fat is easy. I’m not about easy. (At least not when it comes to getting fat. LOL)
My son is on the cross country team at his high school and they run up to 10 miles a day. I watch him. I watch how hard working he is. I watch his body become a perfect physical speciman. I admire that.
I don’t admire fat.
Jolie
I’ll be honest with you. as long as the weight is in the right places…..I’d sop you up with a cupcake…….aww crap now i have this image of chocolate nipples covered in cupcake cream….but the issue isn’t what i find attractive so much as you and “personal image”
I tell people all the time ” do you”. I love a woman with curves. but if it boils town to you and your happines….go for happy. Just remember to moderate your approach. too much of anything is never good for you.
;)
Sigh, using weight only is really not a good gauge for judging your optimum health status.
At 6’5″ 232lbs, I’m not considered overweight by anyone at first glance.
Just remember that muscle cells weight more than fat cells and while you might consider dieting(a waste of time if you ask me), please bear in mind that our genes have a huge roll to play in our body weight and body fat percentage, especially as we age.
Enjoy life, keep everything in moderation, your small enough as it is.
Don’t torture yourself.
tha’ way you look….. dont sweat it…..
lamesabassman…….. try the green M&M’s…..
seriously….. I read what you wrote in your past blogs…. and I see how you roll….
you are just going thru changes….. we all do…. you’re bustin’ moves in so many
directions that it’s kinda like when I am on the road feeding the monster …. time
fades … to the point of blending cities….. if it’s Monday … it’s France…. Tuesday..
Rome…. Weds, London…. and so it goes….. you’re dancing as fast as you can and
sometimes you dont eat right…we all do…. but kinda feel that you already have a plan and it’s gonna work…. it’s a tough road and you own it….
lamesabassman…… now drop and give me 50…… smile.
Hey Tawana,
You’re awesome; Youre an immensely talented writer normally showcasing sagacity beyond your years and critical thinking/analytical skills to be envied – all wrapped up in a droll little package.
That’s why I found this post slightly jarring. I admit I didn’t get a chance to read the vile stuff that people posted in response to your original post, but I really can’t bring myself to believe you can’t see what would offend certain people about the previous BDD post and this post. Would you agree that someone who PERCIEVES their genuine pain and suffering being cavalierly prodded/identified-with/dismissed might actualize their aggravation in a vitriolic personal attack? Would you take anyone seriously if they tried to diagnose themselves with “mild” schizophrenia or sociopathic neuroses or aspergers?
Would you ever blame a cancer patient for not being able to “separate themselves from the issue”? or an alcoholic? Or a manic depressive? Or someone that just got trashed by a boy/girl-friend? Sometimes the irrational emotion that’s part and parcel with a traumatic situation is integral to understanding and empathy from someone who hasn’t had the misfortune of going through the same thing. Did ”Bro” really say it best when he wrote: “Remember, when you talk about BDD, you’re dealing with people who literally hate themselves. What else did you expect them to say”? Does BDD really mean that you LITERALLY hate yourself? Or does it mean that you have a distorted image of yourself? Does type two diabetes mean that you’re a fat lazy glutton? Or does it mean you may be physiologically predisposed to it, or have a metabolic issue, or woefully misinformed about fitness, or some other underlying issue that’s manifesting in self-destructive choices? Sweeping generalizations can lead to incredibly lazy thinking, which can be a hop skip and a jump to groupthink and stereotyping.
Ad-homonym attacks (the mainstay of politicians – yes even Barack Obama) are those that irrelevantly call to question the character of a person in response to a valid point of contention from that person. What I mean is, calling bill O’Reilley a hypocritical Fox News shill whenever he mentions Democratic culpability in the travesty that is congress doesn’t make his point any less valid (from a purely factual basis). So when someone (from either side) responds with personal attacks, we shouldn’t allow them to cloud the issue. And we shouldn’t dismiss their more level-headed peers and their rebuttals.
I think in this post you may have passed on a golden opportunity to mend fences and show some sensitivity. If you had inadvertently implied that homosexuality is invariably a choice, and there was a backlash from readers, wouldn’t you have apologized or clarified, even if you thought they were overreacting or taking the worst possible interpretation of your words?
Finally, just to clarify: Bill O’Rielley sucks balls, and Funky Brown rules (usually).
Me
sorry about totally butchering the spelling of your name.
@ mshill: I know someone who’s just like you: me in junior high and high school!! :) Back then, I would’ve stabbed someone with my cafeteria fork to have curves in the right places. Now that I’ve got them; I want them to be smaller. :)
@ dragonslayer: I think it’s common for men to struggle with body image / weight issues — yet, uncommon for them to be honest about it. So, thanks for your comment!
@ Darwin: I’m surprised ppl give you shit about being thin. When I was most recently in the UK (London, the other January), I was really surprised by how super-skinny everyone had become since I lived over there. I was also surprised how much the place had changed to mimick LA and NYC, but that’s a different blog post.
@ Baba Doodlius: Hence, the phrase: “You eat like a bird.” :)
@ Jolie: I love you. THANK YOU!!! :) I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY!! :)
By, the way, I have a couple jingles to let folks know how to spell my name. Use whichever is easiest to remember:
(1) Twanna, like “I wanna” but with a T instead of an I
(2) Twanna with only two As and two Ns. T-W-A-N-N-A.
(3) Twanna, it’s like the name “Anna” but with TW in front.
@ dkzone: I’m trying to do me: neurotic brown chick who strives to be healthy. ;) I know I weigh as much as I do because I haven’t been “doing me.” I love the gym, but I haven’t gone because I’ve been busy. I’m a generally a healthy eater, but I’ve overendulged in sugar and booze (not a good thing).
@ Anthony: EXACTLY! Like, at 136, I’m certainly not overweight. But, because this is the heaviest I’ve ever been, I know it’s a sign that I’ve not been treating my body as well as I should’ve lately.
@ lamesabassman: You said, “you’re dancing as fast as you can and
sometimes you dont eat right.” Exactly. I’ve been eating like shit when I’m on the go, and I haven’t gone to the gym lately.
@ N. Sampson: Fret not; just see the memory jingles above regarding spelling my name. :) First off, THANK YOU for the kind words. Calling me an “immensely talented writer” totally endears me to you. :) RE: BDD = you hate yourself, I was talking about the stuff the BDD people said. Like, 2ugly4life’s “I hate my face/the way i look, which has ultimately led me to hate myself.”
I’m not unsympathetic and I apologize if my words offended anyone with BDD. Hell, re-reading my oppression olypmics comment, I thought: “Hmmm, I don’t know if that was the best choice of words to describe what I meant.” Having said that, folks who’ve read FUNKY BROWN CHICK for a while know I have abso-fucking-lutely ZERO tolerance vitriolic attacks. We all have bad days. We all read things we disagree with. Etc., etc. That in NO way makes it appropriate for anyone to be verbally abusive. You teach people how to treat you and I absolutely won’t tolerate people treating me shitty due to their personal issues. It’s okay to disagree with me. It’s not okay to be an asshole. Hence, my comment policy has always been: “be kind.”
Final thoughts? You asked if I would apologize if I ever “inadvertently implied that homosexuality is invariably a choice.” I’m not sure that’s a fair comparison. I wasn’t an outsider telling BDD people, “Here’s what I think YOU are.” A better comparison might be if I’d written a post saying: “I’m biracial and I have an affinity for the African American community because I experience discrimination” or “I’m bisexual and I have an affinity for gay/lesbian causes because people judge me for my sexuality too.” Hell, I’m neither bisexual* nor biracial* and even I know that happens it both those communities. That doesn’t make it right — nor should bisexual or biracial bloggers tolerate vitriolic attacks from Black or lesbian/gay commenters.
(FWIW, technically, everyone human is “biracial/multiracial” and every sexual being is “bisexual” but that’s a blog post for a different day.)
please take better care of yourself,love, we all need you on the front lines of life..
there are those whom do just what you spoke of above….. we call those types
” speed bumps” and we go slow over those puppies and move on…. to take the steps that you take on a daily basis is kinda walkin’ point in the bush,’cause ya
really dont know where you are going ’till you get there….. but you seem to know
just where you are at all times….. and that’s a great gift…. you have no idea just
how many doors and eyes you are opening…. you’re a real Danger Ranger and in this case…. that’s a very good thing to be…….
lamesabassman…….. keep your powder dry…. and stay frosty….
Twanna,
I’ll concede that my comparison could be unfair if you weren’t an outsider, but my point is that some people might consider you an outsider. And even if you are an insider it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of offense (case in point, the people with the distasteful comments). I’m just saying if you offend someone then you should clarify your position to take the bite out of it, or apologize if you think you were actually insensitive. I guess to some extent you’ve done the former in this post, but some of the other comments and quotes may have negated that. I konw you only mean well and I’m not trying to be a dick. I just can’t pass up a chance to play devil’s advocate this time.
Ever since I’ve moved to NYC (I’m a student at NYU), I’ve beeen paranoid about gaining weight do to the cheap, spectacular food that’s everywhere I go. Everywhere. Unlike back at home, in Texas where the nearest restaurant is a five minute walk through scoldering heat and a busy highway, in NYC I can get a falafel for $2.50 in about two minutes. Without breaking a sweat. When I left Texas, I was an itty bitty 114, and though I still look itty bitty, I’m afraid to step on the scale and weigh like, I don’t know, 125 and wonder where all that weight is going, staring suspiciously at my waist and thighs.
Totally irrelevant, but this post reminded me of the fact about how I’ll be walking down the street and I’ll think I see you and I’m thinking “OMG IS THAT TWANNA???! Maybe I should just say her name…wait, do I even know how to pronounce her name properly? Oh god, oh god…okay, okay that’s not her. :(” I must say, to a black female college student who someday wants to be a writer, you’re a pretty big deal in my eyes. :)
I’m 5’8 and I vary between 145-150, but I have muscular legs and a long waist, so I may look like a beanpole to some, but a little too muscular to others. I lift weights and do a lot of cardio 5-6 days a week. I guess we all have body issues in a society that places such heavy emphasis on weight. You are by no means fat and I’m sure that men like you just the way you are.
Dang… now …you’re a D.A. .. let’s see now… FBC… F.O.X…… MOM …. hellacool..
baller… shotcaller….Author….. soon to be Playwright ……. what ever happen to
sexy….. but D.A. is cool… with an edge…… very NYC….. with a splash of B’kyln…
now…. bonus question…. do you shoot pool…. or …is Poker your claim to fame
* the MOM thing is how you smile and lead us forward…….kinda …. sorta…
lamesabassman…… thankyoufalllinmebemyelf…agin….
@ Aitch: YOU ROCK!!!! And, you’re way too sweet. Interestingly enough, random FBC readers have actually stopped me on 47th and 8th, at a thrift store in Harlem, en route to Crumbs on 8th, while walking with my writing mentor down by NYU, at a restaurant in Queens, at movie theater in the East Village and other places. So far, each time it’s happened, it’s been great! I love my readers. So, yeah, if you see me on the street, come up and say hi. Fret not; if you freak me out, I’ll tell you: “Um, you’re kinda freaking me out. I’m gonna go now.” :) And, yeah, NYC’s cheap foods on the go soooooooo make it easy to gain weight.
@ starkitty50: Thank you for the kind words!
@ Twanna: remember when you didn’t want anyone to know who you were?
Yeah, why do you ask? :)
@ Twanna: it’s just cool that you’ve gone from “I don’t want to meet anyone” to “come up and say hi!” Awesome!
I really wish body concept had been different when I was a teenager and accused of being anorexic because I was 5’2 and 107 pounds; or questioned whether I had contracted AIDS because I dropped to 98 pounds for graduation – after going through an exercise addiction period. These negative associations to being thin worked on my already fragile psyche which led me to purposely put on weight. The problem was that it was SO easy to put on the weight that I couldn’t control it and put on 60 pounds before I realized I had a problem. I’ve spent the last 10 years fighting the battle of the bulge.. and although I’m still losing, I’m still fighting so it’s all good. Keep doing you girl; regardless of what anyone else has to say about it!
how goes the gym….. are we winning….. FBC
lamesabassman…… am down to 185..with 5 more to go….. no Red Stripe.. Dang
I’m 170cm and weigh 52kg. I eat whatever I want and dont have an eating disorder. I hate it when people say “your so skinny” because I cant help it! I eat and eat and cant put anything on.Is there anyone else that is in the same boat?
I love skinny, thin, and slim….but I am none of those at the moment. I am working hard to get there with eating right and a gym membership. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now and have worked my way down. No diet fads; I would rather loose quality over quantity in a few months time.
One of the most annoying beliefs people have when it comes to weight is that: if you are 5 lbs overweight and it shows you are fat, and if you are 2 lbs underweight and it shows people think you are anorexic. Indian culture is famous for bullshit like this…and beyond, they nag if you are overweight, good-weight or underweight.
I think it’s worst to be overweight than underweight, but I know almost alone in this thinking.
Bottom line: Whatever your weight is, as long as it is not compromising your health and you are happy, speak your mind when someone gives you a mouthful of nagging…That’s what I do. I don’t care if the view me in a bad light cause they turned on the switch!
What motivates you to lose weight?
@ dragonslayer: It’s been an interesting ride …
@ Jami: I was 93 lbs in high school and I WANTED to be curvier. Not that I weigh more than that, I wanna weight less. Mind you, I don’t wanna weigh 93 lbs. But, I don’t wanna weigh 130 either.
@ lamesabassman: We’re winning the battle. I’m at 129 right now.
@ Sunshine: 52k. I think that’s like 115 lbs or something, no? I’m horrible with weight conversions.
@ Anisha: What motivates me to lose weight? I weighed myself at a friend’s house and noticed I was 136 lbs — heavier than I’ve ever
weighed.
the only way to win da’ weight war is to….. eat what you like….. just less of it….
lotsa H2O… and… in your real…. dis is gonna slay you….. nothing after 7 pm….. you enjoy a nice breakfast…. at home…. or IHOP…… a sit down deal…..
cool dem jets ’cause ya gonna be moving at the speed of light alllllllll day….. so
some fuel is hellacool…… MAKE time 4 lunch.. enjoy it.. for the day is young
but midday could be a long song….. small meals…… gym is must…. at least twice
a week…… play some tennis…. gym good for time ….. tennis is the zen of muscle
tone…… cause if you smoke….. maybe the bad stuff wont be able to live in your
lungs……. cause you be haulin’ for that shot….. chillin’ cause you made it….
and if you weaken about the after 7 bit…… popcorn …. or chew ice…..
hang with a regiment like that and you can dial in any weight you desire….
and … yes, wine can and should be enjoyed … it aids digestion…..
lamesabassman……. and cupcakes….. when able….
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