Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Having Sex at the Library

New York Public Library

Originally uploaded by funkybrownchick

Apologies if this post doesn’t appear correctly on the page. I can’t see it because I had to write and publish everything via Flickr. I’m at the library right now, and New York Public Library blocked access to my site. After a bit of digging, I’ve discovered the reason they’ve censored it is: “The Websense category ‘Sex’ is filtered.” Couple of thoughts.

(1) How the fuck did my site get labeled with the “sex category”??? I don’t mind www.funkybrownchick.com being called a sex site, mind you. I’d just like to know who / how / where / what entity is doing the labeling and what criteria they’re using.

(2) If the New York Public Library censors ALL sites slapped with a “sex” label, wouldn’t that include sex EDUCATION sites as well? In fact, I just tried to access Violet Blue’s EXCELLENT resource for teen sex education on www.tinynibbles.com. Guess what? Yep. That site’s blocked, too.

Book burning = bad. Banning sex ed websites = good. Okay. Got it.

Anyway, moving right along … Sorry I haven’t updated my blog in a couple days and I skipped posting a pic of yesterday’s juicy Manly Monday pick. I’m SUPER DUPER fucking serious about finishing my book in 2009, and I’ve been working on it like a mad woman ever since I returned to New York from my Illinois holiday trip. Fret not, I’m back to regular blogging now. (And, of course, I’m still working on my book.)

By the way, I know haven’t yet responded to comments some of you left on recent posts but, rest assured, I’ve read everything. For example, I noticed a dude named Steve wrote: “I have been masturbating profusely for over 25 years, and am able to complete the job with or without lube equally well.”

http://funkybrownchick.com/2006/12/11/penises-cut-vs-uncut/

Damn, I fucking love my readers … and the NYPL, even though they have 0% love for www.funkybrownchick.com. On that note … I came to the library to work on my book. Must get to it.

December 30th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [24] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Escape from New York

Unless someone discovers how to route DSL lines through rabbits’ asses or wifi via deer antlers in the next 20 mins, I’m thumbing this post out on my Blackberry. Still back home with the family, chipmunks, snow, ice and coyotes. Gaaah! I’m choking on internet withdrawal. I miss being online. Haven’t checked blogs, eyeballed BBC or online editions of international newspapers, answered emails from friends, logged into Facebook, slapped pics up on Flickr or submitted article pitches in days. But I HAVE spent a lot of time with my family. That’s been really great. I fly back to NYC tomorrow and I’ll be back online then. In the meantime, you can get micro “What is Twanna doing right now?” updates by following me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/funkybrownchick. Interesting developments / plans for 2009. Some are private but I’ll share others with you the next time I update the blog. More soon. :)

December 26th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Dear Readers: Merry Christmas

For the record. I’m not a Celine fan. At all. But, even I can admit she totally owns this song. Kills it! Beautiful. Merry Christmas to my readers who believe and to those who just enjoy the holiday. Hope you’re happy, safe and looking forward to an exciting year. I’ll keep updating the blog as usual in the week ahead; however, for today, I’ll just leave you with this song.

December 25th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

5 Things I’ve Learned About My Readers

I fly to the land of subzero temperatures today. I’m excited to see my family in Chicago, but I’m honestly kind of afraid of freezing to death. New York City is cold, but it’s soooo not as cold as Chicago. Sigh. I’ve still gotta pack. I always wait ’till the last minute to do that stuff, heaping piles of unfolded clothes in a piece of wheeled black luggage then running out of the house like a crazed madwoman — forgetting at least 20% of the stuff I wanted to bring with me. I don’t stress about that stuff. I’ll be okay as long as I’ve got my ID, my flight details, access to cash and something to read of the plane (this trip, it’s Tobias Wolff’s memoir This Boy’s Life). I’ll update my blog again tomorrow after I’ve finished traveling. In the meantime, feel free to get down with the Funky Brown by reading a couple “Reader Favorite” posts and comments from my archives. In the past four years of writing this blog, I’ve learned a bit about you. Here’s a sample …

Random “Top 5″ List of Funky Brown Chick Reader Faves (based on my site’s stats, in no particular order):

1. Photos of the Brown-Skinned, Brown-Eyed Girl is your favorite static page on this site. More of you look at that page than you do my “About” page.) You don’t like my words, you just like my face!! Y’all are some superficial folks!! ;) To each his own; no judgments here. If you want to see more of my pics, check out my Flickr account. You can subscribe to my Flickr feed to get auto-alerts when I post new stuff there. (Of course, you can also subscribe to my blog too.)

2. Did you know I file all Funky Brown Chick posts under subcategories like Dating and Mating, Culture (Pop & Otherwise), Reader Appreciation Day, Sadness and Paul Walker? (Pssst, if you read my FAQ, you already know why Paulie gets his own category.) Interestingly, your favorite post in the BoyStories category is Le Matin après le Ménage à trois.

3. Your favorite post from the past 30 days is Are White Men Who Like Black Women More Attractive?

4. Your favorite post from the past 60 days is Top 10: Movies with Older Women & Younger Men Couples.

5. Ooooh, here’s the part where I get lazy / cheeky / curious … Instead of telling you what your favorites are based on numbers, stats, page views and all that stuff, I’d wanna hear your thoughts. Please use the comments section to tell me what YOU like about this blog. Do you want me to cover a particular topic more / talk about something less? Wondering what my opinion is about something? You miss videos like that stuff I posted on YouTube? Here’s your chance to tell me what you want to see on this site. Ready. Set. Go have your voice heard by clicking the “comments” link below. Seriously, I wanna hear your thoughts.

December 23rd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Boy Vey, It’s Chanukah!

The festival of lights starts at sundown. To all good-looking Jewish boys everywhere, this funky brown chick salutes you and your hot, circumcised dicks.  ;)  Chag Sameach!

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Wanna support my blog without paying me a dime? Next time you shop on Amazon.com, please use this link. It won’t cost you anything extra. For every dollar you spend, Amazon will kick a few referral pennies my way. Wanna suggestion? Try: Boy Vey!: The Shiksa’s Guide to Dating Jewish Men.

December 21st, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [15] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Why Are You Still Single?

In high school, I subscribed to House Beautiful via American Family Publishers because I hoped Ed McMahon would arrive at my front door with a life sized $1,000,000,000 check written out to Twanna A. Hines. It never happened BUT … I have proof people actually do win contests. I won a three-night and four-day complimentary all-inclusive spa vacation package to Red Mountain Spa from SingleEdition.com. It includes a 50-minute Swedish Massage, deluxe accommodation, roundtrip shuttle service from Las Vegas, three daily gourmet meals / healthy living classes and daily guided hiking. I’m gonna see Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon. That’s at least 20 different shades of awesome! See, folks? It pays to be single. ;)

I sooo can’t wait to schedule and take this trip sometime next year; I need it. Needless to say, I’ll take you along by posting real-time videos, blog posts and snapshots. I’m thinking of turning it into a writing retreat: just me & my laptop, cranking out pages of the book. And, of course, HUGE hat tip to the folks at Red Mountain Spa and SingleEdition.com. Check out both of those sites. You never know … YOU might win something, too! Speaking of single stuff, I notice Single Edition just posted the Top 15 Comebacks to “Why are you still single”? on Facebook. Here’s the list:

1. What? And spoil my great sex life?
2. Why aren’t you dating/divorced yet?
3. It gives my mother/father something to live for.
4. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
5. Is this a proposal?
6. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
7. I’m waiting for you to get divorced so I can marry your wife/husband.
8. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
9. The mail order bride/groom hasn’t arrived from Russia yet.
10. “I’m not done boozing and whoring”
11. Because having both a husband and a child would be redundant.
12. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
13. I’m waiting for your son/daughter to turn 18.
14. Why settle for just one.
15. So I don’t have to cheat on my left hand.

Single people, if you often get asked “Why are you still single?” go to Facebook & and add a comeback to the list.

December 19th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [22] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What Percent Marries for Love?

Bro and I agree that people get married for a myriad of reasons: to have children, for health insurance, to be sure someone will take care of them when they get older, fear of being alone, they “found” someone, for sex, their partner is the hottest person they’ve dated so far and they want to be sure they can hold on to them, it seemed like the right time, they were ready, parents expected them to, they were dating so long & they got tired of everyone asking them when they were going to get married, the girl got pregnant, it seems like the right thing to do, etc. etc. “So,” Bro asks me, “how many people do you think honestly get married because they just really, really, really, genuinely found someone they loved?” I tell her, “Honestly, I think 50% of the people who get married, do it because it’s the right time. They’re getting older and they’re ready to settle down and/or have kids. I don’t know if they found the best person for them, most probably found someone who was good enough. Hmmm … so of that remaining 50% … maybe like 1 or 2 out of 5 does it for selfless love. They found someone they loved sooooo much that, even if that person got cancer or cheated on them or was grotesquely disfigured, for better or worse, they’d still want to be by their side. So, yeah, only 10 – 20% of marriages start like that.”

What’s your guess?

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Credit paid: Image of wedding ring is by Robbie Owen-Wahl. YouTube clip above is from the movie Before Sunset.

December 17th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [29] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How to Find a Therapist

Monday evenings, I see my therapist for weekly, 45-minute, “yoga for the brain” chats. I Twitter about pretty much everything in my life, right? So, I thought nothing of using my two thumbs to type the following into my Blackberry Curve at approx 11:38pm: “Finally home. Therapy was good [...] I feel like I’m actually making progress on stuff.” Chickpea asked me to blog about finding a therapist because she thought it’d be a good resource for a friend. Bored369 wanted to know if I thought therapy was different from meditation. Good, good. Normal comments. But, I was surprised to see this response:

Even more surprising? His follow up tweet:

Okay, so, maybe I’m juvenile BUT ….. That kinda makes me giggle. Shit, if you can always tell, why the hell would anyone be surprised I’m in therapy???? ;) Anyway.

I’m pretty open about mental health stuff IRL and on my blog. A bunch of you send me personal emails. Of course, you ask me advice about your sex & dating lives. A lot of you offer comfort / support when I write posts about something that made me sad. A couple of you confess stuff that you’re not even telling people who know you. For example, I’m looking at the dude who sent a touching email about how fucking scared he is to admit he’s sleeping with his best friend’s mom. (You know who you are.) That said, although I get emails about dating stuff, I also get A LOT of private email messages about therapy. “How did you find your therapist?” and “Do you think you’re getting anything out of it?” and “What do you do & say when you go there?” or “How can I find a therapist?”

It’s okay to laugh, cry and joke about fucked up dates and/or relationships; but, when do we dig deep into shit we’ve put up with past lovers that we wouldn’t tolerate now, talk about how our parents’ relationships affect our dating choices and explore the longterm effects of living as a single person with a dried up sex life, or “oversexed” life, or sexed up life that never seems to be accompanied by anything really substantial and meaningful? I had an ex tell me, “Man, I used to blow through women, always going from girl to girl to girl.” Yeah, okay, but did he ever talk to a therapist about WHY he was doing that? Nope. Never. I’ve had SEVERAL female friends tell me they never have orgasms when they have sex. I’ve got single (and male) friends who are still virgins — though they’ve already left their 20s. In college, I had a guy friend confess to me his boy scout counselor molested him when he was a little boy and, even as an adult, it always made him question his sexuality and wonder if he was gay. I have friends who watched (and/or still watch) their parents SCREAM bloody murder at each other every time they go home. I’ve got acquaintances who I know *ARE* gay who won’t fucking come out of the closet.

My thoughts? EVERYONE should be in therapy. Seriously. No one gets out of life without being touched by dysfunction at some point in their relationships — whether at work with an abusive boss, at home in a loveless marriage, during the holidays while visiting fucking crazy inlaws / family members or while ringing in yet other New Year as a single person.

Tell someone you work out, they’d never dream of replying: “But, you’re not morbidly obese!!! Only big fatasses should go to the gym!!! Why are you going???” No one expects you to get to “the brink” of weight gain before you decide to do something about it. However, tell someone you see a therapist and the response — whether stated or merely implied — seems to be: “I didn’t think you need one; you seem so normal.” The assumption? Only “crazy” people need to talk to professionals about understanding or improving the interpersonal relationships in their lives. Obviously, that’s not true.

So, in case you want to explore talking to someone — besides well-meaning pals and family members (who, I might add, are typically ill-equipped to offer more than biased advice, a sympathetic ear, or give a “you’re gonna be okay” back pat) — here are a few tips.

1.MAKE IT AFFORDABLE. If you have insurance, most plans actually cover therapy. So, a trip to a therapist will only set you back like $15 or whatever you typically pay for a co-pay.

2. DON’T LIE TO YOUR THERAPIST. If you decide to go, remember you’re paying them to help you. If you’re embarrassed, ashamed or scared to talk about the stuff you REALLY need to say, try bringing it up slowly. Write it down and read it if you have to. Who cares if you think you’ll look or sound goofy; what happens in the privacy of that rooms is strictly between you and your therapist.

3. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. In some cases, your therapist’s personal files might be absorbed into your general medical records. If you don’t want your current or future employers (or anyone else) to know you’re on Xanax or you’ve had sex reassignment surgery counseling or whatever the tell else you wanna keep secret, ASK how your file will be used and/or where the information will be reported.

4. FIND A GOOD THERAPIST. I’ve been nestling up to shrinks’ offices for years. Some of them are better than others. Some are worse. Don’t take every therapist’s word as gospel; be sure to push back if you aren’t getting what you need. If you aren’t getting anything out of your sessions say: “I’m not really getting anything out of these session. What do you think we could do differently?” Not sure where to start to find a therapist? Go online. Google: Fort Lauderdale + therapist + sliding scale. Or, try, New York + therapy + coping with unemployment stress.

5. MOVE TO NEW YORK. Seriously, if you’ve got A LOT of hangups about seeing a therapist, chances are pretty good you don’t live here. :) Almost everyone I know in the city is seeing a therapist — or, at the very least, they don’t think it’s odd for someone to go to one. Hell, most of the people I know are fucking freaked out by people who DON’T go to therapy.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today, folks. Dismounting my soapbox. I’ll return to the blog with more sex, dating and other relationships stuff shortly.

December 16th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown