101 Things That Are Totally Twanna

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A guy friend who reads this site tells me the “Twanna” he knows in person sometimes doesn’t match up with “The Funky Brown Chick” he reads about on this blog. Apparently, “Twanna” is smart; “Funky Brown Chick” is a sexpot. Ah, the Madonna-Whore Complex! ;) Heterosexual dudes wanna marry a good girl and fuck a bad girl. Or, to describe it without using the word “fuck”, our good clean friends at Wikipedia say the Madonna-Whore Complex is: “a dilemma where men may feel unable to love any women that can satisfy them sexually and are unable to be sexually satisfied by any women that they can love.” Two things: (1) I like my definition better than Wikipedia’s and (2) I think I’m the same person online and offline. Interestingly enough, in April 2007, I wrote a post called Ourselves as Others See Us. Funky Brown Chick readers who’ve never met me described me the same way friends who’ve known me offline for years would. For curious minds, here are 101 things you may or may not know about Twanna “The Funky Brown Chick” Hines:

1. I believe in God.
2. I go to church on Sundays.
3. I am hard of hearing; I watch television with closed captioning.
4. I have dated a ton of dudes from Europe — mostly Germany, Denmark, England, Spain, France, The Netherlands, etc., etc.
5. I am a sucker for men with accents.
6. I was in Math Club (Mu Alpha Theta … a.k.a. “MATh”) in high school.
7. I taught statistics in grad school.
8. I have been to two sex clubs — one off premises, one on premises.
9. I have had a threesome.
10. I don’t have vaginal sex without condoms.
11. I don’t typically use condoms during oral sex.
12. I am left-handed.
13. I used to abduct my friends during college and take them on glamorous 20-minute excursions called “Pure Fun” … but it usually wasn’t much more than a trip to the local Steak & Shake.
14. I got a car for my 16th birthday, and I kept it until I was almost 30.
15. I sleep with a stuffed animal called Twannadog when I feel lonely; I’ve had it since I was in 6th grade.
16. I have lived in Illinois, California, Florida and New York.
17. I lived in Europe over a period of four years in The Netherlands (The Hague and Amsterdam) and England (Canterbury and London).
18. I worked in international affairs before I switched careers and became a writer.
19. I used to analyze international economic policy for an American Embassy.
20. I was an audience member for the gameshow Price Is Right and I saw Bob Barker.
21. I shook Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich‘s hand during a rally. I told him, “I voted for you!” He smiled and said, “Aww, you’re great!”
22. I have a picture with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright.
23. I volunteered on Barack Obama‘s state senator campaign before anyone outside my homestate knew who he was.
24. I was a finalist on MTV gameshow “Singled Out” with Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick. Jenny McCarthy is now, well, Jenny McCarthy. Chris Hardwick performs a comedy duo gig called “Hard and Phirm.”
25. I once stalked Matt Damon, but it was totally innocent. He even smiled & laughed at me because I acted like such an idiot by yelling: “Oh. Maaaaah. Gawd. That. Is. Matt. Damon!!!!”
26. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was in my 20s.
27. I had braces on my teeth for several years to correct a massive overbite.
28. I was IN LOVE with George Michael in the 80s and 90s and I’m still going strong in the 00s.
29. I went to the NKOTB reunion concert.
30. I have never been married and I don’t have any desire to do so.
31. I do not have kids and I’m very happily childfree.
32. I secretly fear I’ll grow old alone because all my friends who already are and/or want to get married and have kids won’t have time for me once they have families of their own.
33. I like kissing boys. A lot.
34. I have no desire to be in a poly or open relationship; I like old-fashioned, monogamous guys who want to call me their girlfriend and want me to call them my boyfriend.
35. I am a closet romantic.
36. I love PDA. When I’m dating, if I could only kiss the guy in private, it would dramatically reduce the number of times we get to kiss.
37. I am allergic to cats.
38. I am really bitchy and grumpy when I wake up before I’ve had enough sleep (i.e. when others wake me up).
39. I have a weird fear of death and I don’t go to funerals. If you die, I will think of you often but I will never see your casket.
40. When I die I will donate my entire body — from hair follicles to toenails — to science, but don’t you dare ask me for a fucking kidney while I’m still living.
41. I have written approximately 700+ original blog posts for Funky Brown Chick, and you lovely people have left approximately 8,000+ user comments.
42. I have a favorite color: orange.
43. I really like the movie Y tu mamá también.
44. I get turned on by guy-on-guy action.
45. I was a vegetarian for nearly a year. After that, I stabbed a big juicy steak with my incisors again and I’ve been eating meat ever since.
46. I almost always order “Steak & Eggs” when I go to brunch with friends. Steak: medium well. Egg: scrambled, egg whites only.
47. “I like my men like I like my milk: imported, white and with no fat.” [Read the details.]
48. I date black men and Latinos, too. Although I’ve never had an Asian boyfriend (yet), I think guys like Daniel Henney, Jon Yongfook and others are gorgeous.
49. I used to play practical jokes on my friends all the time, and I even pulled one off on this blog. I stopped pranking around because everyone expected me to do it and I couldn’t get away with it anymore.
50. I used to have my tongue pierced.
51. I don’t have any tattoos.
52. I don’t pay people to do my hair. I do it myself and have done so since I was a little girl.
53. I am a morning person, and I don’t understand people who aren’t.
54. I actually like the way German accents sound.
55. I can be very insecure, nutty and neurotic when I start dating a new guy. (“Do you think he likes me? If he likes me, why didn’t he say that? Do you think he’s nice / stable / friendly? What if he’s an asshole? Oh my god, I can’t date that guy … he doesn’t like cheese!!”)
56. I don’t like to cry in front of others.
57. I have two breasts. I moisturize & massage them daily so they stay soft and perky. I like touching them. They’re great.
58. I am a socialist.
59. I am pro-choice.
60. I am against the death penalty.
61. I support gay marriage.
62. I am considered “really liberal” in the US. But, my politics are considered “common sense”, neutral or “center right” in the Netherlands (e.g. I just think all people should have the right to love, live healthy and be educated; I’m not anarchist, I still believe in organized government, I think people should work if they want money, etc.)
63. I think OJ is innocent. But, that’s just because I’m black. ;)
64. I hate having my period.
65. I know a little bit of sign language.
66. I know a lot of French.
67. I know a drop of Italian.
68. I am fluent in Dutch.
69. I have dated and fucked men from Spain, Mexico and other Spanish-speaking countries. But, me no hablo español. (Totes ridic, right?)
70. I am 33 years old, and I like myself more at this age than I did 10 years ago.
71. I have an abnormally high need for touch. I like being rubbed, hugged, kissed, groped, licked and stroked by the men I adore.
72. I like dating younger men.
73. I have known my friends Mags and Bro since we were teenagers; we talk on the phone almost every day.
74. I hate washing dishes.
75. I HATE cold weather.
76. I hate asshole people.
77. I worry about things that I have no control over.
78. I like giving and receiving oral sex. A lot. Seriously. If I really really like a guy and I’m going down on him, nothing gets me hotter or wetter than watching his head dip back in ecstasy as he breathes deeply and his penis grows stiffer in my mouth.
79. I don’t swallow.
80. I like road trips; I’ve driven the entire distance of Historic Route 66.
81. I pray for my family, my enemies, world peace, personal strength and other things.
82. I want to weigh less than 125 lbs again. (Almost there.)
83. I have a large clitoris and a high sex drive.
84. I am extroverted.
85. I have ZERO tolerance for people who bring drama to my life; I will (and have) shed friends who are emotionally unstable and/or high maintenance.
86. I am a good girl who happens to be kinky. Or, as one of my exes put it: a very bad girl in a good way or a good girl in a very bad way.
87. I like good boys who are bad.
88. I don’t understand girls who like bad boys. If a guy treats me poorly (i.e. makes fun of me, yells, etc.), I usually ask, observe or try to figure out what happened. If it happens again, I’m out.
89. I have slept with most of my male friends.
90. I have masturbated to the image of nearly every guy I know.
91. When I was a little girl, I hated all the Charlie Brown cartoons. I thought the kids were mean to Charlie when they yelled “You Blockhead!” and I thought that girl who moved the football when he tried to kick it was a bitch.
92. I don’t use an alarm clock because I prefer natural sleep.
93. I have been told my name, Twanna, means either “of great strength” or “the little child.”
94. I still count on my fingers sometimes.
95. I love flowers, and I had fresh cut flowers in my apartment every day when I lived in Amsterdam.
96. I loved Degrassi Junior High and You Can’t Do That on Television. Those shows introduced me to Canada and made Canadians soooo cool in my teenage eyes.
97. I am a HUGE soccer fan. I support USA, The Netherlands and England. After them, France is my favorite. If all those teams are eliminated, I support Argentina, Germany and Brazil. I go with winners.
98. I like Man United.
99. I love miniskirts and I will wear those things till I’m at least as old as Tina Turner is now.
100. I have been told that I can be contrary and difficult. Of course, the people who told me that are very stubborn.
101. I have a list of places I’d like to visit. At the moment: Montreal, Australia, Argentina and Brazil are at the top of the list.

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