“Hearts Are Broken Every Day”
We contacted each other previously. He approached me at a friend’s party on 46th Street and 7th Avenue. Cute. Foreign. Brilliant. Interesting. Immediately sparking sexual chemistry, we were lip-locked within 20 minutes. Thinking back, maybe it was 80% chemistry and 20% booze … or 70% chemistry, 30% booze. Hey, it was a party. We were drinking! But, whatever. Anyway.
I thought he was a player. My snap judgments and gut instincts are usually spot on; I should trust them more often. When he initially gave me his little white business “card”, it had four things printed on it: (1) Name, (2) City/Country of origin, (3) New York City and (4) domestic & foreign cell phone numbers. Last summer, my visiting friend Anna-Scarlet said she’d never seen such a thing. “They’re player cards,” I told her. “Some New Yorkers actually get personal cards printed with just their contact info so they can give them out at bars.”
“Are you kidding???” Anna-Scarlet scoffed.
“Nope. They’re convenient when you wanna connect with someone, but you don’t really want them to know your personal information — like, where you work.” So, the dude gave me one of “those” cards. Still, I decided to reserve judgment until I got to know him better. Partly because I wanted to be wrong about him. Partly because I actually liked the guy. Maybe those two are the same thing? Over the next weeks, we went on dates: holding hands while strolling through museums; making out at bars; flirting across brunch and dinner tables; and, most importantly, talking about how much we mutually despised stupid games & lies people turn when dating.
Still, I was skeptical about his intentions. Instead of seeking honest answers, I mulled over tons of scenarios and came up with crafty solutions like 007 or Jason Bourne. Why did he have a player card? Why did he repeated tell me he was a “very private person”? Why did he refuse to friend me on Facebook though he contacted me through the site countless times — adding, “You can’t write anything kinky on my wall”? Why did he come on so incredibly fucking strong, then turn me down when I eventually suggested we go back to his place (e.g. “Um, we can’t. My apartment’s a mess”)? I wasn’t sure if we’d been on enough dates, and I didn’t want to feel like I was prying into his life. But, I knew this: if he’s not actively hanging around with other women (he said he wasn’t), at the very least, he’s hiding something.
Why are people so fucking careless with others’ hearts? It’s not worth explaining why the dude’s out the picture now, what went down and why our tale, this possible-love-story-in-progress, is now wasted on Manhattan’s streets — splattered on Midtown pavement like bird shit, run over with the clunk-clunk of a dump truck passing a pothole. It’s just, you know, over. Of course, I cried. Not for that specific boy; I’m just, you know, sick of the bullshit. What’s the point of lying to someone you barely know? When someone tells me “I’m not into games, I like honesty, I don’t understand why people date a lot of people at the same time, blah blah blah” THEN it turns out to be bullshit, it feels like a mind fuck.
When I meet a object of desire for the first time, I get really excited about it. “Ohhh,” I figure, “he’s cute! I really like him. OMG, MAYBE WE’LL GO ON DATES!!” So, when it doesn’t work out, I feel hurt, frustrated, irritated and saddened. And, everyone knows it. Sometimes I’m glad I have a blog because it’s cathartic to write about the shit I go through in the dating world. It helps me make sense of everything. Other times, it feels odd to be so “public.”
———————
Credit paid: “You Fucking Broke It” image appears on Chelsea Labsu’s Flickr.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
1- I love the little cartoon
2- It happens to all of us, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
3- Ultimately, he’s not even worth this blog post.
But yes- at least you have the blog to “let it out” and know that you’re not the only one in this predicament (sp?) and therefore, not a lost cause.
Chin up, girlie :D
December 9th, 2008 at 10:59 am
That cartoon is so cute! I’m really sorry to hear about him, he sounds like a right wanker. I didn’t know about ‘player cards’ either till I read about it just now, gosh I feel so naive! It’s good that you write about it, I think end of the day the ability to vent is one of the most important functions of a blog.
I hope you’re okay. Stiff upper lip and all that. Goodluck!
December 9th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Twanna…
I guess I can speak confidently here… There’s a little book I’m reading right now, I think you would find it fascinating. It’s called “The Red Queen – Sex and the evolution of human nature”. In short, it explains why men are men, and why women are women. Men, by their genes and due to evolution, are wired to seek as many potential partners as possible (the goal = have as many babies as possible to pass your genes to the best generation). They will seduce and lie to get to that point. Women are wired to seek the best potential partners as possible (more partners does not mean more babies, so might as well settle for the best).
Don’t hate the player… Hate the game, hate evolution, hate human nature… that’s not going to change men. Men will be men.
What you should do is learn how to play this evolutionary game… I’ve made that suggestion to others before, and it seems to work.
First, learn to spot the player. A “player card” is just that. 100% of men with such cards are players. There are a lot more hints which I’m sure you’ve picked up. Don’t doubt your gut. If you get a hint, then you’re probably right. And there’s no hoping that the player will change, that’s just the way it is – and has been for hundreds of thousands of years.
Second, if you still are interested in the player, you gotta turn the game around. To him, a priori you’re just a piece of meat. Once he’s gone through it, there’s no need to go back and lick the bones. Just find another piece of meat. You gotta change that. The only way to do that is to withhold the meat. Get him interested in other stuff. Have him like your mind. Silly to say, but it’s a win-win situation:
IF you refuse to have sex with the player within a certain period, and he decides he doesn’t wanna see you again because of that, then it’s obvious he only cared for sex – and you won’t get your heart broken.
IF he still wants to see you, there’s definitely potential beyond sex. Otherwise he wouldn’t wanna wait around for you when there are so many available women out there.
If you still intend on having sex early on, then you have to approach it without emotions and with full knowledge that you’re probably killing any chance of a relationship. Unless the guy isn’t a player… but then he wouldn’t have a player card, would he?
Just my thoughts. I’m sorry for your pain. Hopefully this helps. Read the book, it’s great.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Oh, wow, I don’t think I knew about the player card! Ew. Frowny-face! To echo the other sentiments here, I’m sorry — it sucks to have to pick up the pieces from a potential relationship! :( But you’ve got a lot to offer, so keep on keepin’ on, it’ll be worth it when it does work out.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
You choose the exact same type of eurotrash guy, who’s so obviously just looking to hook up and then you have audacity to actually cryu about it. How about looking at YOURSELF and not these men, who are just out there trying to get THEIRS. If you want a real relationship, then you need to readdress your priorities. To me it seems like you’re caught up in some ridiculous aesthetic you’ve built up in your head about what makes a guy suitable. Personally, they’re all ridiculous. accents? important sounding jobs? Foreigners? etc.. jesus it sounds so immature.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
@whatever
Hey hey, back the truck up there, skippy.
Now, agreed. Twanna ya kinda walked into that. Player Card? Big neon sign. That said, c’mon now. It’s all in the post;
“Partly because I wanted to be wrong about him. Partly because I actually liked the guy.”
“Over the next weeks, we went on dates: holding hands while strolling through museums; making out at bars; flirting across brunch and dinner tables; and, most importantly, talking about how much we mutually despised stupid games & lies people turn when dating.”
There it is. Now all things aside dashing someone for having hope is just dumb and pointless. She liked someone and she pursued it. The man in question *claimed* to hate the games, *claimed* or at least put out a sincere desire to be more than just casual about things.
There’s a certain responsibility if you’re a player to act like one, not just for the other person but for yourself. Things can get incredibly convoluted very fast if you don’t. If you outright mislead someone about your level of involvement with them you’re being irresponsible and asking for trouble.
In short I’d call this a double-fault. With the caveat that this guy doesn’t sound very mature in the “game” and could have saved everyone a whole lot of time by being honest about his level of involvement from the start.
Rookie mistake.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Mobius got it right T. Trust your gut. It’s never wrong. Be glad you never gave him any and keep it movin….(((((HUGS)))))
December 9th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@ The Jaded NYer: You’re right about using the blog to “let it out.”
@ Darwin: Yeah, I love the cartoon. Fret not; I didn’t know about the “player cards” either till I moved to New York. And, yeah, blogging = venting.
@ Mr. Poopy Pants: THANKS for saying you’re sorry for my pain. Seriously, I appreciate that. Not sure I agree with you about the book. I don’t think “all” men are playing the game. (Though, true, some are.) I’ve been with men who didn’t play the game in the past. I adored them. I’ll find men like that again.
@ The Original Bro: Yay!! You’re back. And, I truly believe what you’ve said about: “it’ll be worth it when it does work out.”
@ “Zeitgeisty” / “max” / “walrus” / “whatever”: Ewww, don’t do that. :( Anonymity is the favorite feast of cowards. It’s not flattering. Good thing I trust my gut sometimes; I’m glad I ignored those emails from a certain someone hitting on me at Nerve. Yes, “you.” Hell, I didn’t even know “you” were still reading my blog. If you’ve got nothing nice to say, simply move along. Fucking hell, and you just called *ME* immature? Sheesh!! :)
@ Giacomo: THANK YOU for your comment. I think you got to the meat of it when you mentioned “hope.” I genuinely, sincerely hoped things would work out. I liked him (for a variety of reasons) and went after it. Probably not the best decision; I’m not 100% free from responsibility in this one. By the way, I think you also hit the nail on the head when you brought up the other end of responsibility: “If you outright mislead someone about your level of involvement with them you’re being irresponsible and asking for trouble.”
@ Miss Pam: Yeah, I need to get better about trusting my gut. Luckily, sometimes I do! I need to do it more. THANKS for the hugs!! :)
December 9th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Hi. I wasn’t saying that all men are players, just that all men are tempted to be players. Some of us have risen above our very human nature, and actually have respect for others. The “players” are just following their animal instincts, just like our distant cousins and pretty much every animal does. It’s up to you to spot the good ones, and as far as the bad ones – you either gotta stay away from them, or find a way to show them the good side…
December 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Ah, okay, got it. :) I get where you’re coming from.
It is up to me to spot the good ones; and, like Giacomo mentioned, it’s up to the not-so-good ones to shoulder their part of the responsibility as well.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Hey FBC, thanks for sharing this blog…reminded me of a guy I met who came on to me in the same way..although I didn’t get a player card. Instead I got the “disappearing act”. The one that comes on strong, and then you begin to think that there could be potential with him..and then “poof”. No returned emails or phone calls.
As you said though, always trust your gut instinct, it’s our sixth sense. It would be nice if guys were upfront from the start as to what they’re really looking for or “trying to get with”, it would save us from a whole lot of unnecessary drama and beating up ourselves over someone who wasn’t worth the trouble in the 1st place.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
My hat goes off to you for writing honestly and showing your vulnerability.
There are those that would seek to give you “sage advice” when I can almost guarantee they’ve been no more successful in their own love lives and have made the same mistakes as everyone else. There are those that are presumptuous enough to think that they have you all figured and know “what your problem is” and how to “fix” it.
Please dear, ignore all that bullshit. There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong by hoping for the best in someone.
As always, you have my ears whenever you need them.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
That has to hurt. I’m guessing the guy either is married or has another long term relationship he was trying to hide. As others have said, trust your gut, and when the facts appear to be on the up and up as Reagan used to say, “trust but verify.”
December 9th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Never doubt the awesomeness of the the “wonder twins powers” They will serve you well and never lead you astray. :) Its hard when you think you read a red flag, and you want to be wrong, but unfortunately that’s usually not the case. Hang in there, and have faith my friend!
December 9th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
2 things
1. I’m sorry for what happened to you. I don’t think you deserve to be lied to. but furthermore, i think anyone who goes into a relationship with “hope” should be rewarded for their faith in the human condition.
2. That slicktalkin punk doesn’t deserve you and count your lucky stars that things didn’t get deeper, before you found him out.
xoxoxox
December 9th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
:(
***********
December 9th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
“(e.g. “Um, we can’t. My apartment’s a mess”)”
Yeah, I’ve never known a guy to actually care about this. Unless he was an interior decorator and most likely he wouldn’t be interested in me…ya know. I do detest liars.
“The “players” are just following their animal instincts, just like our distant cousins and pretty much every animal does.”
Oh I am so tired of reading/hearing this response for reprehensible behavior by men. To those who use this as an excuse: Please stop maligning animals, grow a spine and own up to being an ass. You really don’t want to go down that route with females of any species because if that’s the case poor, stupid, lazy men should never have the chance to reproduce. Stop.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
@ Aspasia: I never said it was an excuse. But it sure is an explanation for a lot of male behaviour everywhere. That much is undeniable, and scientifically proven. Not an excuse though, I agree that doesn’t make such behaviour the right behaviour. Just saying that something “should” happen will not make it happen. You gotta understand the rules of the game, because you certainly can’t make them up. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere if you don’t understand how things “ARE”, and not how they “SHOULD BE”.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
:-(
Since I can’t be in NY for you–guess a long, strong cyber hug will have to suffice for now.
When the laws change, he’ll never do that to another woman again (insert intense, threatening stare).
December 9th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
@Poopypants: @ Aspasia: I never said it was an excuse. But it sure is an explanation for a lot of male behaviour everywhere. That much is undeniable, and scientifically proven. Not an excuse though, I agree that doesn’t make such behaviour the right behaviour. Just saying that something “should” happen will not make it happen. You gotta understand the rules of the game, because you certainly can’t make them up. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere if you don’t understand how things “ARE”, and not how they “SHOULD BE”.
And so you will agree that women preferring men with valuable resources (money, good job, handsome, intelligent, competitive sperm, very ALPHA) is alright with you? Are you all those things? Are you sure? Because guess what hon, that’s established behavior that explains a lot of female behavior too. But it’s oh so convenient that same scientific fact (proven repeatedly) is overlooked or belittled or considered “unusual” when it comes to female behavior (we’re just called gold-digging whores then) but the equivalent male behavior is “just the way things are” (and almost always coupled with the myth of “natural” female monogamy or asexuality). Only it’s not and female behavior reflects that too. That is the other half of the game too, that you should know about if you’re going to play it. That’s what I was referring to, but seems you haven’t the knowledge or wit to understand.
Put “The Myth of Monogamy” by Drs. David Barash and Judith Lipton on your reading list, along with biology books. NOT any of that evolutionary psychology crap.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Maybe I missed something here..What exactly did this guy do? He declined your offer. Maybe that scared him off. I guess he could actually be a virgin or something. I don’t think that going MIA after some pal-ing around is worth any tears.
Twanna you are adorable (you are my first internet crush), and I don’t understand why you would have problems finding a steady and stable guy. Perhaps the person in the above post is right on at least one count. If the guys you are picking are not working out, you should change the culling process/criterion. I say this just to be honest, and I by no means think you are immature or anything like that. It is like this. The chances of finding a tall, well built, good looking, successful guy that is single and ready to get serious is about the same as me finding a busty, beautiful, successful, down to earth Columbian model, that is interested in your average white guy from Carolina. At some point compromises have to be made in the name of happiness. It is not the chiseled jaw line , the toned body, or the success that is going to make you happy. It is the way a person treats you, the interactions outside of “dating”(when someone lets you into their life), and the established understanding that person will be there for you at the end of the day, in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning (or any other time). That is what makes us happy and comfortable with the people in our lives. Your life partner(husband/wife..boyfriend/girlfriend) should be your very best friend that you sleep with (even when you did not have sex that night).
By the way, I have cards with my personal info Name, email, home phone, and mobile phone. It is called a contact card. I give them to people that need my personal info and not my business info. However, I have them printed professionally on proper card stock with a comfortable design in color, but that is just me. I am sure my boss is glad that I only use my business cards for business. I am not even sure how this other thing works. “Hey honey. You are mighty pretty! Here’s my card. Call me when you wanna hook up.” WTF!!! If any women ever fell for this..Itsa Shame..Shame. Especially if it was a plain white care with Times New Roman font in black. Holy Crap!
Sorry so long.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:46 am
Well, would you rather have this experience and get hurt, or not have this experience at all? I mean, life is all about experiences, I would rather have them all: the good and the bad, and come out alive, which you did =)
How can you feel loved without getting hurt over and over first?
December 10th, 2008 at 1:22 am
@ Mz. Emerald: Thanks for your honesty. And, yeah, the lesson (one of them at least) I’m taking away from this is: always trust my gut.
@ Desiree: THANK YOU for your comment!! I appreciate you. We have to link up; tried to contact you online earlier this evening :(
@ David: Reagan? That chick from the Exorcist??? :)
@ Mags: Wonder twin powers, activate!!
@ dkzone: Your comments made me smile — especially that part about: i think anyone who goes into a relationship with “hope” should be rewarded for their faith in the human condition.
@ Carolina Pereira: Thanks.
@ Aspasia: EXACTLY! When I heard that “messy apartment” stuff tumble from the lips, my eyebrows raised. It was kind of the beginning of the end.
@ Mr. Poopy Pants / @ Aspasia: I love it that you two respectfully disagree. :) For the record, one of my favorite quotes is: “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”
@ peggy b.: Thanks. And, you sooo have to come to NY somtime. Either that or Anna-Scarlet (and you know who) should take a trip to come see you.
@ Chuck: I think you might’ve missed the part where I said: “It’s not worth explaining why the dude’s out the picture now, what went down [...].” It wasn’t about an offer declined. Some stuff’s private. I just said he was: “Cute. Foreign. Brilliant. Interesting.” When you mention, “I guess he could actually be a virgin or something”, you’re assuming I didn’t find out he already spread his sperm to create 4 or 5 kids. I’m already on board with changing the culling process/criterion; been talking about that with my therapist (and blogging about it) for a little while. So when you talk about me “finding a tall, well built, good looking, successful guy that is single and ready to get serious”, don’t assume the dude mentioned in this post was all of those things … or any of them. He could’ve been a short, slender, cute (but not good-looking) mathematician. I have a thing for dudes who are good with numbers. All your assumptions aside … THANKS for calling me adorable. It’s pretty exciting to know I was someone’s first internet crush. Sure, I’ve wondered why I’m single in NYC. But, tons of other women here wonder the same thing. Hell, Time Out New York dedicated an entire issue to NYC’s overflow of women just like me.
@ NYC Memories: Ooooh, I love that … and some of the other poetic / zen-like comments on this post. :) Life, for better or worse, is all about experiences.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:43 am
ahhhh … mon petit …… I didn’t know that bit still had legs….. a dude rolls up
on you with that sled…. then you have right to play him like an old piano…. upright and gone…. but…. yeah…. felt that cold shot before… it happens at a
point where your heart and hopes were there for the world to see and be one…
and up comes a fastball….. low and inside…… this is for you….. and anyone who’s
been down that mean street……
while standing at the crossroads
what should now appear
reason dancing with courage
with little left to fear
and no more worlds
to conquer
there is but one more door
to enter and to do so
at one’s peril
is the key
that opens the way
for the road
is forever
two way
and to move forward
one must say
no more
to the door
that leads to submission
of one’s self
to wishes not yours
to proceed
with no promises to keep
except…. to thine own self
be true
and never let anyone
corner you
darkly
for… you are the light
that fills the shadows
where regrets wish to hide
now…. open that door
and show those regrets
that you will not be swayed…. forward ever, backwards never…..
December 10th, 2008 at 4:49 am
stay sweet and clear…. for this 2… shall disappear….
lamesabassman…. there is one … who will indeed… find you…
December 10th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Every encounter you’ve had and will have in this life has taught and is going to teach you something about yourself and other people.
Embrace it, nurture it and learn from it all.
You’re a strong and beautiful child of the universe, let not thy heart be troubled.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
@ Twanna & Aspasia: hahaha I love it that you call that respectful disagreement :) Aspasia – take a deep breath. I’m just voicing my opinion. No need to call me names. Will get you nowhere.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
ummmm, moebius if i could just respectfully disagree, or, point out actually, that aspasia didn’t call you any names. other than ‘hon’, which wouldn’t exactly qualify as a ‘name’ in the negative sense. more like an endearment with a twist of sarcasm. also she just elucidated a counter argument to your argument. the other side of the coin, so to speak, based on her own reading and point of view. i think both your points have some legitimacy. in any game there are two players. both with priorities, agendas, and full agency (you know, separate and equal and all that) . . . unless you prefer games played with yourself. i meant, by yourself. sorry. the shades of ‘hysterical female’ in your comment give me a serious case of the freudian slips.
and twanna, thank you for that degrassi video!! i. was. rollin!!!! you made my day that day. totally paid it forward. it’ll come back.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
ieishah: I was referring to the quote: “That’s what I was referring to, but seems you haven’t the knowledge or wit to understand.”
Maybe in your book that’s respectful disagreement. In my book, that’s a personal attack, similar to calling someone “stupid”. Perhaps I’m wrong, in which case I respectfully disagree with you.
And I haven’t put the female perspective in there. I won’t try to however, for fear of appearing biased and engendering more reprisal…
Cheers!
December 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Perhaps I deliberately missed that part as to not assume the worst had happened. I really hope it didn’t, but now I think it did. I am really sorry that you got burned regardless of the details.
Tall, good looking, etc where just examples of things that some people are typically looking for…didn’t really need apply to you or said dude..only to represent characteristics. I did not intend for my reply to imply any asumptions. Even though, I think dude did fit at least part of a subconcious checklist you have.
You know we (people) tend to jump head first into the water, and then stand around confused, wet, and with a sore neck after we bottom out in the shallows. It really boils down to lack of consideration for what we are getting into and just not taking our time. Sometimes we do these things knowing we are going to get burned. We know the pizza is hot and is going to burn the roof of our mouth, but we take a bite anyway.
–”He could’ve been a short, slender, cute (but not good-looking) mathematician.” Now this is funny, because I fit this description. I am not so slender anymore though..and more “not tall” than “short”. I rock with numerics.
I have said it before. Women do not have an exclusive on struggling with their singularity in NYC. It is equally widespread amongst men as well. One thing i find unpleasant about NYC is the lack of congeniality(sp). 10 million lemmings just passing each other on the 5th ave, Broadway, or 42nd st…sitting next to each other on a train, but never speaking. No hello..No good morning..Nothing. About the only time New Yorkers (strangers) talk to each other is to exchange insults over some petty disagreement or bump. The most common phrase spoken to a stranger in New York is “Fxxx You”. My point here is while there is the biggest pool of the best candidates to choose from, there is no viable means to make contact. New Yorkes are so jaded that, if you walk up and start talking, they immediately start wondering what your scam is. Impossible!
Adorable, intriquing, talented, creative, sexy, adventurous, smart…the list goes on, but I don’t want it to go to your head.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Chin up Ms. Brown….his day is coming as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow morning…*_*
December 10th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
moebius. you make me sigh really deeply. and not in a strawberries and cava way. ok. let me explain.
i’ve lived in barcelona for one year. almost as soon as i got here and got into the dating game, i noticed something: men were telling me the truth. if they wanted me to be their girl they’d say that. if they only wanted to fuck, they’d say that. then i could make decisions about how far i wanted to go on the basis of accurate information about their intentions. i found that the initial sting of someone not wanting to have a relationship was only superficial, and i appreciated this no bullshit approach. the guy was saying, i’m a player, i like to spread my sperm, we can hang out but don’t get attached. this didn’t make me reject them. i respected them. i believed what they told me and saved myself a lot of drama. the game, in all its biologically determinate glory, can be played respectfully.
twanna didn’t get her heart broken because she doesn’t respect the game, she got her heart broken BECAUSE HE LIED! HE DIDN’T RESPECT THE GAME. he should have manned up. said baby, i’m a rolling stone. then let her make a decision. but he didn’t have the stones to come clean, so he is at fault. liars disrespect the game and everyone involved. punto.
implying someone is naive for believing what another human being told her, that she somehow (as someone who lives and breathes the world of sex and dating) missed the rules of the game, or that she’s engaging in wishful thinking, is no better than saying she’s without wit or intelligence. in my book, it’s like calling those of us expecting a little fair play, stupid.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Si……. those were straight up points from one level … ieishah & moebius….. and the next level is …. yeah … he went Paris on her…. she was hoping for a little
shelter from the storm….. something warm….. and the very thing that the lady
swims thru all day long …. came to shore…. when love starts to be a … game…
then script flips and then there are no rules… and….. whomever is the last one standing….. better start praying that they haven’t lost count……
lamesabassman….. cause someone is always layin’ in da cut 4 ya…..
December 11th, 2008 at 6:11 am
lamesabassman, it’s a game that has a script? i love me some mixed metaphors :P
December 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
ieishah – made me kinda excited to hear that I made you sigh very deeply with just a few strokes of the keys…
I should apologize to anyone who has felt slighted by my messages… wasn’t my intent. I agree that the man should have manned up and been respectful, but he simply didn’t and wasn’t. I just don’t see the point in shouldas wouldas. There are other men like that who will simply disrespect girls for their own advantage, and shoulda wouldas probably won’t change that. The man left hints that were pretty obvious in my opinion. And Twanna / and other girls (and some guys too) / generally have a gut feeling about those things… somehow we just jump in anyway, hoping for the best. Can’t explain why, but we just do it and get hurt.
You make me sigh too a little… don’t you see that I’m saying the same thing you are? Just coming from a different side of the same argument – the practical side. I hope you recognize that in every game there are cheaters. Wishing that cheaters won’t be so will not do anything good for you. Learning how to detect cheaters and stay away from them or learning how to persuade them to play by the rules could do you a world of good.
Yes, I am saying Twanna was perhaps a bit naive. Naivete is part of the human condition – not just female, but male too. I have been naive myself, several times. I have been cheated on while waiting faithfully at home, for months at a time, when the signs should have been obvious to the outside observer. Hurts like shit, but that’s life. I could wish that she hadn’t cheated on me, wish that she had respected the game, but that wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere. Might as well learn to read the signs, and stay away from that kind of situation. That has worked very well for me. In my opinion – and in my experience, jumping in without considering your gut has a high likelihood of pain. Similarly, in my experience being a somewhat cautious (coy) lover at the beginning – until I see signs of commitment or until I stop feeling uncertain about the other person’s intent – can only be a win-win scenario.
Cheers.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Ms Twanna!
I do empathize with you, but I am so glad you decided to blog about this! This sort of bullshit happens all the time, and I must say, I’ve never dated a player before (as I don’t date often) but I think I’ve encountered my first! I’ve thought as much, asked friends for advice and they all say the same thing, that’s he’s probably banging other chicks or has a gf or whatever.
He won’t friend me on Facebook either!! I know it’s silly to be like, “let’s be friends on Facebook!” but seriously, he’s the only person I know that won’t friend me! What is he hiding me from? What is he hiding from me?
Of course I should know better and should run, but he’s so good in bed! Don’t worry, I only treat him as the piece of brainless meat that he is…not to mention, on my offense, he’s not the only man I’m courting… ;) However, unlike him, I’m honest to all of my male parties. But, part of me still thinks that there might be hope for this jackass…innocent until proven guilty.
And we all cry. All of us. All the time. I cried twice when this bastard said we’d chill and then never got back to me. But I’m still waiting for him to call me back. This piece of work…
My sadistic nature wants to wait until we’re in person so that I can see the look on his face as I tell him that he’s the smallest (length and girth-wise) out of my partners.
Hope you don’t mind the length of my note, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not the only girl who suffers this bullshit. I wish people would just be honest. In my situation, if this guy was all like, “yea I’m seeing other girls” I’d be totally understanding. In fact, I told him if that was the case, he should just let me know. I hate bastards that lack honesty and integrity.
Take care Twanna and feel better! There’s nothing wrong with taking risks. I would have done the same in your situation. Thanks again for sharing. You definitely made me feel like I wasn’t crazy about the whole Facebook thing. =)
December 13th, 2008 at 3:32 am
it’s the weekend… ieishah…. and the games are about to begin….. suit up…. get
cocked and locked ’cause it’s all about to go deep….. a vast amount of ya’ll are gonna be hit with more lines than on a mirror on New Year’s Eve….. and some
will listen and some will walk….. some will ponder…. some will talk ….. and
as time rolls by…. some will… about this time… would have lost this guy…. and
guys, there are a few ladies running the same mambo that will leave you with a hole in your soul…… listen well….. and roll fast
but…. hold the bus…. there is a chosen few … out there …. MIA’s of Love…
checkin’ the treeline for something more real than all the tea in Mexico…
to wake up to a smile next to you rather than the cold shadow of reality
101…..
lamesabassman……” gotta look….. sharp…”
December 13th, 2008 at 6:17 am
@ lamesabassman: You said: “forward ever, backwards never.” Indeed.
@ Anthony B: Oooh, I love it that you called me a “child of the universe.” It reminds me of Desiderata.
@ Mr. Poopy Pants: Oops, sorry, I honestly missed the “wit” part of the comment the first time around.
@ ieishah: I LOVE it that you love Degrassi. I ***LOVED*** that show!!! Still do. :) Speaking of lovin’ …
@ ieishah / Mr. Poopy Pants: Is it me, or do I sense a teeny little love connection brewing? ;)
@ Chuck: Thanks
@ Mary: Who knows how the future will unfold. Here’s to hoping good things are in the cards for me.
@ Dolly Shot: THANKS for your kind words. By the way, I soooo know what you mean about Facebook. I told Anna-Scarlet about the dude not adding me to his Facebook and she was like, “Twanna, you sound like a bad teen movie. ‘He won’t friend me on Facebook.’” It’s silly but TRUE. Facebook has completely become a measure by which we look at relationships.
@ Mr. Poopy Pants: OH MY GOD, I FUCKING LOVE YOU FOR THAT COMMENT!!!! Here’s why …
First, THANK YOU for your honesty!! That took courage. Seriously. Because I actually know you, I know the situation you’re referring to; we’ve talked about it more than once. Second, the chick who cheated on you was/is a total fucking bitch. Third … and here’s the part where I get all Oprah-y on your ass … You said, “I have been naive myself, several times. I have been cheated on while waiting faithfully at home, for months at a time, when the signs should have been obvious to the outside observer. Hurts like shit, but that’s life. I could wish that she hadn’t cheated on me, wish that she had respected the game [...]“ I could be wrong, but my general sense has been that people who offer me “advice” (on the blog, in life, etc.) are actually saying what they wish someone had told them in a previous situation. So, while it comes across as “LISTEN TO ME”, what’s typically hiding behind those words is personal hurt and: “I WISH I WOULD’VE LISTENED” or “I WISH SOMEONE WOULD’VE WARNED ME.”
Total sidenote, but this is one of the many many many reasons I’ve been reluctant to call myself a “dating expert” or a “dating advice columnist” or whatever the hell the widely accepted term is for those who publish stuff on relationships like I do. Everyone has the right to learn from their mistakes, get hurt, pick themselves back up and try again. I’ve learned (and will keep learning) from my mistakes; at the same time, that doesn’t give me the right to prevent others from making theirs. And, oddly, some of the biggest advocates of knowing/playing the game are those who’ve been hurt most by it. But, enough about me. Back to you. Or, maybe that was about you? Anyway.
Perhaps we agree and disagree? I think we agree it’s best to trust your gut. I think we disagree regarding what to do when red flags pop up.
My sentiment is: proceed cautiously anyway because, although there’s a chance of heartache, there’s also a chance of finding love. No one is perfect; everyone raises a flag or two at some point. If you’re dating someone who raises NO flags, you’re likely dating someone who doesn’t challenge you, avoids conflict and shapes their wishes to your desires.
Whether or not you agree (or, dare I say, realize it?), I get the impression your sentiment is: don’t proceed after red flags pop up because you’re likely to get burned — keep people at a safe distance until you know they won’t hurt you (i.e. the perfect person).
January 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
[...] messages. Some of you suggest writing topics. And, some of you ask for dating advice. As I’ve said before, I’ve been reluctant to call myself a “dating expert” or a “dating advice columnist” or [...]