How to Find a Therapist
Monday evenings, I see my therapist for weekly, 45-minute, “yoga for the brain” chats. I Twitter about pretty much everything in my life, right? So, I thought nothing of using my two thumbs to type the following into my Blackberry Curve at approx 11:38pm: “Finally home. Therapy was good [...] I feel like I’m actually making progress on stuff.” Chickpea asked me to blog about finding a therapist because she thought it’d be a good resource for a friend. Bored369 wanted to know if I thought therapy was different from meditation. Good, good. Normal comments. But, I was surprised to see this response:
Even more surprising? His follow up tweet:
Okay, so, maybe I’m juvenile BUT ….. That kinda makes me giggle. Shit, if you can always tell, why the hell would anyone be surprised I’m in therapy???? ;) Anyway.
I’m pretty open about mental health stuff IRL and on my blog. A bunch of you send me personal emails. Of course, you ask me advice about your sex & dating lives. A lot of you offer comfort / support when I write posts about something that made me sad. A couple of you confess stuff that you’re not even telling people who know you. For example, I’m looking at the dude who sent a touching email about how fucking scared he is to admit he’s sleeping with his best friend’s mom. (You know who you are.) That said, although I get emails about dating stuff, I also get A LOT of private email messages about therapy. “How did you find your therapist?” and “Do you think you’re getting anything out of it?” and “What do you do & say when you go there?” or “How can I find a therapist?”
It’s okay to laugh, cry and joke about fucked up dates and/or relationships; but, when do we dig deep into shit we’ve put up with past lovers that we wouldn’t tolerate now, talk about how our parents’ relationships affect our dating choices and explore the longterm effects of living as a single person with a dried up sex life, or “oversexed” life, or sexed up life that never seems to be accompanied by anything really substantial and meaningful? I had an ex tell me, “Man, I used to blow through women, always going from girl to girl to girl.” Yeah, okay, but did he ever talk to a therapist about WHY he was doing that? Nope. Never. I’ve had SEVERAL female friends tell me they never have orgasms when they have sex. I’ve got single (and male) friends who are still virgins — though they’ve already left their 20s. In college, I had a guy friend confess to me his boy scout counselor molested him when he was a little boy and, even as an adult, it always made him question his sexuality and wonder if he was gay. I have friends who watched (and/or still watch) their parents SCREAM bloody murder at each other every time they go home. I’ve got acquaintances who I know *ARE* gay who won’t fucking come out of the closet.
My thoughts? EVERYONE should be in therapy. Seriously. No one gets out of life without being touched by dysfunction at some point in their relationships — whether at work with an abusive boss, at home in a loveless marriage, during the holidays while visiting fucking crazy inlaws / family members or while ringing in yet other New Year as a single person.
Tell someone you work out, they’d never dream of replying: “But, you’re not morbidly obese!!! Only big fatasses should go to the gym!!! Why are you going???” No one expects you to get to “the brink” of weight gain before you decide to do something about it. However, tell someone you see a therapist and the response — whether stated or merely implied — seems to be: “I didn’t think you need one; you seem so normal.” The assumption? Only “crazy” people need to talk to professionals about understanding or improving the interpersonal relationships in their lives. Obviously, that’s not true.
So, in case you want to explore talking to someone — besides well-meaning pals and family members (who, I might add, are typically ill-equipped to offer more than biased advice, a sympathetic ear, or give a “you’re gonna be okay” back pat) — here are a few tips.
1.MAKE IT AFFORDABLE. If you have insurance, most plans actually cover therapy. So, a trip to a therapist will only set you back like $15 or whatever you typically pay for a co-pay.
2. DON’T LIE TO YOUR THERAPIST. If you decide to go, remember you’re paying them to help you. If you’re embarrassed, ashamed or scared to talk about the stuff you REALLY need to say, try bringing it up slowly. Write it down and read it if you have to. Who cares if you think you’ll look or sound goofy; what happens in the privacy of that rooms is strictly between you and your therapist.
3. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. In some cases, your therapist’s personal files might be absorbed into your general medical records. If you don’t want your current or future employers (or anyone else) to know you’re on Xanax or you’ve had sex reassignment surgery counseling or whatever the tell else you wanna keep secret, ASK how your file will be used and/or where the information will be reported.
4. FIND A GOOD THERAPIST. I’ve been nestling up to shrinks’ offices for years. Some of them are better than others. Some are worse. Don’t take every therapist’s word as gospel; be sure to push back if you aren’t getting what you need. If you aren’t getting anything out of your sessions say: “I’m not really getting anything out of these session. What do you think we could do differently?” Not sure where to start to find a therapist? Go online. Google: Fort Lauderdale + therapist + sliding scale. Or, try, New York + therapy + coping with unemployment stress.
5. MOVE TO NEW YORK. Seriously, if you’ve got A LOT of hangups about seeing a therapist, chances are pretty good you don’t live here. :) Almost everyone I know in the city is seeing a therapist — or, at the very least, they don’t think it’s odd for someone to go to one. Hell, most of the people I know are fucking freaked out by people who DON’T go to therapy.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today, folks. Dismounting my soapbox. I’ll return to the blog with more sex, dating and other relationships stuff shortly.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
One of the difficulties we expected to have was finding a couples therapist familiar with (and comfortable with) both kink and polyamory issues. My (now-ex) wife and I went to a therapist who was both of these (found very easily by asking the owner of a A Woman’s Touch, the sex-positive feminist store in town) who helped us unsuccessfully repair and then successfully end our marriage. By “successful” I mean that we remain close friends, knowing that we tried everything possible to save it but that it was time to move on. I continue to see the therapist on an individual basis, when I can afford it (if you don’t have insurance, it’s a pain in the ass, btw).
Kink Aware Professionals ( http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75 ) is a great resource if you don’t live in NYC and want to find someone who won’t automatically just look at you and say “You’re into THAT? Well, you’re nuts!”
December 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
i’ve done some therapy now, and it really helped me. i just wished i had moneu to go everyweek. my plan doesn’t cover (is from my father) but next year i have to get my own so i’ll look at one that covers. the thing is. but i’m not sure there’s one here in portugal :( people too think that only crazy people need it and mental health is one of the first areas left behind by our governement :/ if only they knew the money they could save by preventing issues….. (we have insurances but most areas of medicine are avaiable at public hospitals for almost nothing).
December 16th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Twanna, gurl…you make me laugh each and every time. I so look forward to your emails. Jeez this post was truly funny BUT on a serious tip!
At any rate, I’ve thought about therapy…but, this is my thing. My mom was a mental health nurse and so we grew up (brother and I) in that type of teaching/mental health household. BUT, she never believed in therapy! She often told us this: if everyone knew how screwed up therapists really were, they’d look the other way. So her thoughts have rubbed off on me. I ask myself this:
Why do I want to talk to someone that may be as screwed up as I am! ??? lol…funny but true..thanks Twanna, you’re the best!
December 16th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Fine article, Twanna. Last time I shopped for a therapist I started by cross-referencing my insurance’s list of participating therapists with Network Therapy’s directory. Before making an appointment I briefly interviewed each therapist over the phone, asking about his/her therapeutic approach and available hours. I usually got an answering machine, left a message, and noted how soon each therapist returned my call. It turns out that Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn has therapists on every other block.
Unfortunately insurance will not pay for couples therapy. I hope the new administration and congress pass universal health care and that couples counseling is finally covered.
I don’t think that everybody needs professional counseling, but everyone does need a level headed friend and confidant who does not have a self-serving agenda and who is smart enough to know when to recommend professional help.
December 16th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I have got mixed feelings about therapy. I don’t really know where I stand, but I’m open to the idea. First, clearly therapy has a bad rap - there’s definitely a “crazy” stereotype going around, and it’s not going to leave any time soon. I don’t agree with the stereotypes, but it’s hard to avoid them, or even to avoid feeling them completely.
I agree that some people are crazy, and that those people need therapy. And there are also healthy people who do therapy. What scares me is that those of my exes who actually did therapy were by far the craziest of them all (i.e. most emotionally unstable). And the worst is that they generally used it against me… therapy-thumping, as you might say… girl would say - we fight all the time, but at least I AM going to therapy and dealing with my problems, and you’re not.
Either way… I’m probably never going to go to therapy… it probably would help, but I have a bad feeling about it. Same with vegetables. What’s good for you may not always be the most enticing. There are most definitely other ways, at least for me, to feel more at ease or at peace with myself - such as music, friends, chocolate. You can eat your vegetables if you want - I’d rather be the happy fat ass who does need to go to the gym but does not need therapy.
D
December 16th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
In this age, if you aren’t seeing a therapist you need a therapist to figure out why you aren’t seeing a therapist.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
yes. yes yes yes. i completely agree about therapy being something from which anyone could benefit.
i’ve been in therapy on and off since i was in middle school and it was originally a really disheartening process. my mother chose the therapists and sat in on the sessions, so that really poisoned my ideas about how therapy worked.
when i went back in college and in the years after, it literally saved my life, helped me to finish undergrad, and, now, is aiding me in figuring out how to navigate the world mindfully and healthily. it’s helping me to be okay with the person i am and want to be. at bare minimum, therapy is necessary for getting rid of the negative programming that society inflicts on us as children. seriously. figuring out how internalized racism, sexism, heterosexism, anti-intellectualism, and sex-negativity has effected my daily life is important for my long-term happiness.
for a lot of people, therapy doesn’t seem financially feasible, but there are always work arounds and, sometimes, fiscal sacrifices have to be made. my shitty hmo will only pay for ten psychologist visits per year with their staff. in order to continue seeing the woman that i’ve seen on and off for five years, i have to pay out of pocket. luckily for me, she’s sliding scale and willing to work with her clients, but it’s still a huge financial commitment. there are lots of therapists like her and, here in portland, there are private services targeted specifically toward lower income/working class people. money should never be the reason that someone doesn’t see a therapist.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I love this post! You always amaze me with your insight and writing.
You touched perfectly on so many of the issues surrounding therapy. I personally avoided it for years because I think for me I viewed it as a sign of weakness within me. This was life. Shouldn’t I be able to handle it like everyone else does is what I thought for all those years.
It seems that so many people hide the fact that they are in therapy because of the stigma that is associated with it. The problem with that is we then think we are the only ones in therapy when like you said there are many people around us currently in some form of therapy.
I also spent many of my first months in therapy not being honest with my therapist until I realized I would never make any progress until I opened up with the entire truth of my life. Things changed for me that day and I finally started to work on all those things in my life that had gotten me to where I was at that point. Honestly with your therapist is the most important thing. I always keep in mind what Tess told me when I first started therapy.
“You can’t shock a shrink and if you do then you need a new one”
Thanks for writing this.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
you are so right about New York. Who doesn’t have a therapist here…it is a right of passage.
alicia
http://todaystyle.today.com/
December 17th, 2008 at 1:23 am
deep point,Mr.D ….. when there so many things out there to put pressure where
one should’nt have in the first place… and it’s the brave and kind ones who realize that they need to talk to someone when things go left of center….. and the ones who dont…. well that’s a street already crossed….
lamesabassman…… take the time to take care……
December 17th, 2008 at 10:34 am
@ Graydancer: I had a friend who went through a helluva time trying to find a couples therapist.:( She described it well when she said, “If you’re on the ledge looking to jump off, they insurance company will help you. But, if you’re just experiencing problems, they don’t want to pay for anything.” I think that can says a lot about the disdain for preventive care in general. Thanks for the link!! The more resources the better.
@ Carolina Pereira: Interesting! And, yeah, I lived in Europe over a period of four years; “seeing a therapist” was considered a very “American” thing to do. I even had one ex (Dutch) tell me the US only likes therapy because we’ve all drinking Oprah’s self-help koolaid.
@ Miko: Oh, in the past I’ve seen therapists who were absolutely wacky!! :) Therapists, doctors, ministers, etc. are just as human and flawed as the rest of us. :) By the way, THANKS for reading my blog. Glad you like this post.
@ David: You bring up a GREAT point about interviewing therapists. Consultations are usually free. And, don’t even get me started on universal healthcare. I mentioned Point #3 above because I actually know someone whose employers found out they were on antidepressants because it was in their general medical file; yet ANOTHER reason why health insurance shouldn’t be the responsibility of employers.
@ Mr. Poopy Pants aka Moebius: Your ex sounds emotionally abusive.
@ Baba Doodlius: Funny! :)
@ allegra: You said, “money should never be the reason that someone doesn’t see a therapist.” I totally agree. Money should never be a barrier to healthcare period — whether physical, sexual or emotional health.
@ Diva: THANK YOU for your kind comment. And, Tess’ quote is GREAT!!! :) I love that woman.
@ alicia: So true!!
@ lamesabassman: I like that: “take the time to take care”
December 17th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Just to keep things in perspective, even therapists need therapists.
“EVERYONE should be in therapy.”
I think most people are in therapy, of a kind, in that, therapists will say that talking to family, friends, acquaintances or funkybrownchick is therapy. Trained therapists will say that not everyone needs to see a trained therapist, but they do need to “get things off their chest” or ” Have a release for stress.” There are many ways of doing this.
p.s. I applaud you Funky (stands and claps) for discussing a topic that needs discussion. You touched on very serious issues (shame, embarrassment) that, unfortunately, prevents some people that need help from getting it.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’m in therapy! I said it. YAY!!!!
December 17th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Well, I didnt know my email was one of many. Sorry to bother.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
@ bobby: Thank you!! :)
@ Wonderlove: And I applaud you for your honesty.
@ Marie: Huh? I’m not complaining about getting email. Quite the contrary. I actually like hearing from folks who read my blog. Hell, if I didn’t want to hear from you, I wouldn’t publish my contact details. :) Keep the emails coming. :)
December 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
While I don’t think that only “crazy” people need therapy. I am somewhat skeptical about just how helpful it really is.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 17 and I can’t really see how it’s ever helped me much in the long run. I have pretty much all the same issues I originally went to therapy for. And I’ve rarely had a therapist tell me anything about myself that I didn’t already know. I told someone the other day that therapy is like having a drink to me - it feels really good while you’re doing it, but as soon as it’s over, so is the good feeling.
That said, I agree that everyone could use the time for self-reflection that therapy provides. It’s good to look at yourself, to delve a little into the why behind your actions and desires. To know yourself. And certainly therapy can facilitate that.
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:12 am
Yep. Self-reflection is a must.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:23 am
My thoughts? EVERYONE should be in therapy.
I hear that, dude.