What Percent Marries for Love?
Bro and I agree that people get married for a myriad of reasons: to have children, for health insurance, to be sure someone will take care of them when they get older, fear of being alone, they “found” someone, for sex, their partner is the hottest person they’ve dated so far and they want to be sure they can hold on to them, it seemed like the right time, they were ready, parents expected them to, they were dating so long & they got tired of everyone asking them when they were going to get married, the girl got pregnant, it seems like the right thing to do, etc. etc. “So,” Bro asks me, “how many people do you think honestly get married because they just really, really, really, genuinely found someone they loved?” I tell her, “Honestly, I think 50% of the people who get married, do it because it’s the right time. They’re getting older and they’re ready to settle down and/or have kids. I don’t know if they found the best person for them, most probably found someone who was good enough. Hmmm … so of that remaining 50% … maybe like 1 or 2 out of 5 does it for selfless love. They found someone they loved sooooo much that, even if that person got cancer or cheated on them or was grotesquely disfigured, for better or worse, they’d still want to be by their side. So, yeah, only 10 – 20% of marriages start like that.”
What’s your guess?
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Credit paid: Image of wedding ring is by Robbie Owen-Wahl. YouTube clip above is from the movie Before Sunset.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:43 am
“if that person got cancer or cheated on them or was grotesquely disfigured, for better or worse, they’d still want to be by their side”
I’m just not sure how the “or cheated on them” fits into this list.
I don’t understand.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Oh, good question! I might write a post about cheating tomorrow because that actually came up during the conversation, too. Anyway, if that sways your answer about “what percent”, feel free to omit it. Whatever you fancy, Anon. :)
December 17th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
love is no country to ponder…. love is what you make of it….. if you have a contract or pact or anything that is binding between two adults…. then, honor
that deal…. if the deal is open ended… then honor that as well…. it’s your gig…
tailor it to fit your needs…. but all that needs to be agreed upon first, before
anybody says ” I do…” and if it isn’t done that way and thru out the union things
go astray….. walk away….. you can’t be a quitter if it wasn’t whole in the first place….. with each passing decade… the script always flips…. this isn’t your
Mother’s or Father’s idea of Marriage….. this is real time 101…. the love you make
is equal to the love you take…. and if you’re taking and not giving…. then you dont need to be there in the first place….. stay in your separate houses and plan sleep overs….. and keep the BS on the Down Low….
lamesabassman…. dont start none…. wont be none….
December 17th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Woah!
You wrote back (and fast) ! Bloggers rarely write back! Thanks!
But cool – I’ll read for tomorrow’s post too.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
and if you’re the cheating type….. then there is a special place for you….. you will be sent to a place where there is the perfect one for you and you can’t wait to seal the deal when that perfect one is paying more attention to a butterfly that’s
flowing thru the air than to what’s in front of them…. and that continues forever.
standing on the verge of getting it on and nothing’s going on…. forever…
lamesabassman….. dont cheat… ’cause the world is a very small place….
December 17th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Is it important to marry for love? Throughout history, people have married for a lot of different reasons. Having a realistic view rather than a rosy view might help make things easier in the future if that person does–for instance–cheat on you (and I’m sorry, I don’t think you should stay with someone who does that even if you do love her/him, because love does not mean giving up all self-respect).
Of course some reasons are better than others, and ‘just wanting someone’ seems to me like a bad reason, but something like health insurance is a valid reason, in my opinion (provided both parties are aware of the arrangement). Marriage has a lot of legal benefits and as long as those exist there will be people who marry for them. If marriage ever becomes merely a personal expression without historic baggage, there will probably be far fewer people willing to tie the knot, but those who do will be doing it for love.
My guess is that there are actually a lot of people who marry because they think they are in love, but later they discover that they were just deluding themselves, and it was actually loneliness or something similar. I couldn’t guess percentages, though.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
and to answer the question…. 2% marry for love…… and the other 98% ain’t ready
for prime time…..
lamesabassman…… which side are you on…….?
December 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
You knwo I agree with lamesabassman on this, I think the percentage of people who marry for true love is very low… Mostly due to the concept that alot of people wouldnt know real love if it slapped them upside the head…
I know for me, I didn’t know what love was until I lost it for the first time… I’m getting married next year and I’m marrying my honey because I’m in love with her; but I’m not delusional in thinking that the feeling will last forever – so we’ve taken steps to grow together and make our partnership much more than the fleeting feeling of the heart…
December 17th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I’m not sure that it’s realistic to think that two people will stay true to each other throughout a marriage. That’s an incredibly long time. People are imperfect creatures and mistakes are made. I think that if a relationship has a solid foundation and there’s communication and honesty, it can overcome infidelity. I’m not saying it would be easy; rebuilding trust is a big deal. But I think if two people really do love each other and are realistic about what challenges will face them in a marriage or long-term relationship, it has a better chance of lasting and both partners have a better chance of relationship satisfaction.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I agree with most of the people here… Love is a preferred state of marriage, but definitely not the only ingredient required. Some couples have successful loveless marriages, however it’s probably near impossible to have a sustainable marriage without some kind of arrangement, implicit or explicit, about expectations… Basically, if both people know each other well enough, and they understand what they want to get out of the marriage – and they both want the same thing, then I think there’s a good chance it will work. If there’s love too, even better.
My guess: 50% marry for love. However, those who marry for love are more likely to get divorced than the other types. True statistic: arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate than “love” marriages. Think about it.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Anyones guess is as good as anyone else’s. But having said that, I think the pomp and circumstance is more important to most people. At least that’s what I’ve seen through the years. Marriage is already included in true love!;)
December 17th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
you’re probably right. i still have hope that i’ll marry for love :) hopeless romantic here.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
love is not enought. as Moebius said, you need to want the same things out of life. having or not kids, where to live, career, etc.
i believe most relationships where there was once love, don’t work because a lot of people still hope that the partner will change… you gotta love what you’ve got. not what he might or might not become…
December 17th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Oooh, I’m mentioned in a post! :) How did I know that this one would get several responses? :) Anyhoo, it’s an interesting topic –I agree with most of the posters here — it’s nice to see a little realism surrounding this topic.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
@Lauren
In my post, when I talked about cheating, I meant not just sleeping with someone else, but lying about it and trying to hide it. I do think it’s possible to sleep with someone else and have it not be cheating (ideally it should be discussed beforehand and both people should be okay with it–otherwise you are putting your own desires before the feelings of the person you claim to care about, which is hardly loving).
If there’s cheating (with the lying and whatnot) going on, I just don’t see how the relationship can or should survive, because at most there will be one person committed.
Other than that I agree with you, and I suspect any disagreement is a question of semantics.
December 17th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I’m starting to think that people are geting married for the right reasons, but they aren’t thinking it through. I’m sure that on some superficial level, people believe that that special someone may be “it” for them. But I don’t think that people are taking the time to REALLY get to know one another. I mean RREEAALLYY know one another. People think that just because they’ve been through some trials and tribulations, some cheating and 3 kids that they know their partner like the back of their hand and its time to get hitched.
Sigh
What happened to chivalry and being in love. I wanna be like The Neely’s.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I think it’s very possible that most people do marry for love. However, the question is, how does one define “love”? That’s really subjective. All the things that were mentioned in the original post are things that many women (and men) consider evidence of their love for someone (i.e. someone wants to take care of me when I’m older = that’s love; great sex = that’s love; I’ve been with this person so long and they put up with all of my faults and I appreciate that = that’s love). Now of course, many of us might consider these things just one of several “ingredients” that go into the “love cake.” But for some, any one of those things alone is the cake itself. (Hope the cooking references aren’t too convoluted ; – )
December 17th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
[gloat] Baba Doodlius married for love! WOOHOO![/gloat]
In Western culture, historically speaking, marriage for love has been a very recent development. As recent as a century or so ago, most marriages were for some other reason: convenience, kids, family pressure, cultural expectations, prestige, or politics. So really, even if it’s only 20% that marry for love right now, that’s a whole lot more than the virtually 0% of 1800 or even 1900.
I tend to think that the number is a little higher than 20%, though. Probably closer to 50%. Call me a romantic. But at the same time, the 50% divorce rate is NOT composed entirely of the 50% that DIDN’T marry for love. So marrying for love, maybe, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Except for me and Mrs. Doodlius, of course.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I feel like people should marry for love and not for insurance purposes or materialistic things like that. I do agree that a lot of people may get married out of fear that they may be alone and that they want to be taken care of when they are old. I guess what you say is partly right, only a small portion of people get married now for love. Hell there are barely people getting married anymore! And lets not even get to the divorce rates.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I believe marriage for love, although recent, has definitely increased percentage wise over the decades. With the sexual revolution and women’s rights movement, what else was left to marry for. It s a fairly recent phenomena thorough out the globe. Although, long with marriage for love or the illusion of love, comes the fact that people are not very realistic, hence the divorce rate. I believe all the factors mentioned in the article should definitely be taken into consideration when making the attempt to meld to completely different lives together. If it is not the right time, but your in love, the odds of the marriage working is still not not great. “Love” doesnt pay the bills and put food on the table. Love doesnt automatically make an 18 year old boy and girl mature enough to marry for the long haul. Love doesnt make any woman or man less likely to have a wandering eye around the “seven year itch”.
Im all for marrying for love (lol, it might not seem like it above), but as a realistic you just know better.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
*realist
Who’s to judge a good marriage, whether approached more like a business deal or done through the makings of true love. As long as they’re together and HAPPY (a rarity in the microwave culture culture of today) go with whatever works for you.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:26 am
I see that there has not been a lot of lip service to the arrainged marriage concept. This is where the parents of the couple get together and negotiate, like experienced and wise adults, and see if their families are a fit.
I heard that more couples who ended up in those marriages are happier that average since they had wise people guide them through what will end up being the longest lasting and most important relationship they will experience.
I agree that the concept of marrying for love is a new development in the annals of human interaction. So when you think about marriage it would be worthwhile to consult your elders. They’ve been seen and done a thing or two, folks, you should at least ask for directions if you plan on making the trip down the isle.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:56 am
ahhh….Mr. D ………. if you are writing a book….. that statement make a wonderful theme…. what really happens out there…. what is the definitive crossroad that blends that thin line between what could have been; or, what never
was, to say ” I do…” and deal with all that curtails this sad ode of ” Feelings..” yet
concurred but gently denied …..
lamesabassman…… give thanks and praises to Mr. and Mrs. D.
and Keep On, Keeping On…..
December 19th, 2008 at 1:00 am
this may sound corny, but so far, I have only known 2 couples that have married for pure love. The first is hubby’s grand parents. And the second is of course, us. How did I know Hubby’s grand parent’s were one? When his grandmother talked to me about their “courting” 60 years ago, I heard me talking. I already knew “our” story and the whole “princess bride,” true love type deal had happened. I fell for this man and wanted to give my life for him, and before I could tell him that, he told me that he felt the same about me. Selfless love….I never believed in it, even as a lover of cinema. 8 years later, when I still sit and listen to Hubby’s grandmother tell those “courting” stories, blush, and look so in love still, I know that’s going to be me at 76.
It does happen, but I agree that it’s rare. On a side note, my parents married out of attraction. They are totally wrong for each other but don’t believe in divorce. Go figure.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
not corny at all.. may a virus with the power as to spread such wonderment around the world become the most learned mystery to the reality we now live
in.. and make us all feel real…. at least just once…. to have a memory to lean on
lamesabassman……. ” it’s cold … out here … in the dark….”
December 19th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
I think that most people go into marriage without having a clue as to what it’s really about. You go into it with this idea, but then over time, you realize that it really isn’t what you thought it was going to be. You may marry one person, but end up living with someone totally different 10 years down the road. After a while, you stay together for “the kids” and/or financial reasons and you try your best to find happiness with your hobbies, friends, kids, etc. Then when the kids move away and you are left alone with this person, typically you get divorced. There is no perfect marriage, but some marriages are more dysfunctional than others and the trick is to see what level of dysfunction are you willing to put up with. I’m speaking as someone who has been married for 10 and a half years. If I knew back then, what I know now, would I make the same choice?? I don’t know, it’s hard to say, but I have a lot of regrets…
December 20th, 2008 at 7:17 am
it is said that if you wish to make God laugh…. just tell him your plans…. if you proceed with just one eye open and peel off just a little bit of your heart…you may make it…… but it’s when you think you all when all it not known…. that’s
the trap that you make for yourself …. from the cradle to the grave… we all still
chase to one thing we all crave…… love….. is it so much to ask for….. still….
lamesabassman…… Free your mind… and guess what follows…….
December 21st, 2008 at 4:13 am
Armando made a good point with regards to arrange marriage. It gets a bad rap, but In a lot of (non Western) nations, (India is a big example) people get together and negotiate a marriage contract–considering factors like money, family and social connections. Love can be, but isn’t necessarily a huge factor in the equation. It definitely has a huge potential pitfalls, but for better or worse it works for quite a few people.
While I think marrying for love is a good idea in theory, I don’t think it should be the basis for marriage. (And at the risk of sounding totally cynical, what is “love” anyway??) Marrying for life-long companionship and mutual respect seems a lot more realistic to me.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:51 am
[...] would it be. The answer is, and always will be, our children.” See? Beautiful. That’s love. I sincerely wish them the best in marriage. For me, for now, I’m okay being single and [...]