Is Marriage Worth It? I Say No.
Love is in the air. Elsewhere. I live in New York City where “air” is urine-scented steam rising from manholes. That said, I’ve decided to write about “love” and (separately) “marriage” today. Let’s talk about five future brides, shall we? I stumble across Essence magazine’s Will You Marry Me? contest. “We offered 5 men the chance to propose,” the mag explains. Vote. The most popular couple wins $50,000. The female contestants? Proper black girls. Straightened hair. Polished. Appropriate. All very beautiful. I’m rooting for this woman. Recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, she: genuinely looks cute and happy with her dude; wears excellent sexy summer dresses; makes funny faces at cameras; and gets freaky-deaky(?) in hot tubs. I love it! What’s more? When her boyfriend proposes, the chick gets so nervous she acts downright quirky. Nervously flipping through a magazine, she darts her eyes around the room then says: “Huh? What the?” Video: 02:44. That’s awesome!
I imagine I’d react the exact same — if I believed in getting wed. Nope, kiddies. It’s just not for me; I don’t see the point of marriage. Few would tolerate its failure rate elsewhere. Imagine 50% of MTA trains crashed during rush hour, 50% of planes fell from the sky or 50% of NYC taxicab drivers knifed their passengers. If any of this occurred, alarms would sound. Clearly, something isn’t working. Right? Not the case with marriage. “It works, dammit! IT WORKS!!! For everyone!!! You’ve just gotta believe in it hard enough.” The assumption? Divorce is failure; however, sleeping next to someone in the same bed without fucking them for months, hell, even YEARS at a time is “success.” Being an adult, walking away from an agreement that once worked very well but no longer fits either party, is “quitting.” Sticking together through the bitter end — and, I mean BITTER fights, namecalling, cheating, loneliness, family feuds, unwanted children, etc. — is “commitment.” Let’s not pretend all marriages are perfect, shall we?
Racialicious gives it to you straight, “plenty of black people – I’d say most – are really committed to the idea of two parents and a stable marriage.” Nuh-uh. Not me. :) Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ANTI marriage, mind you. (Ditto for gay marriage. Whoever wants to marry should be able to marry.) For some, it works. When proposing to the awesome contestant I mention earlier in this post, her guy says, “You once asked me if I could meet anyone, who would it be. The answer is, and always will be, our children.” See? Beautiful. That’s love. I sincerely wish them the best in marriage. For me, for now, I’m okay being single and childfree. How about you? I check the demographic stats on my blog. Interestingly, most of you (54%) are men. Sexy white folks, gorgeous black people, Asian hotties and other lovely readers like getting down with the funky brown. Married, single and divorced people read this site. This blog is most interesting when people respectively disagree; so, tell me your answer to this question: Marriage. Is it worth it?
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Credit paid: Image pf hands is by Kostya Kisleyko.
January 6th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Marriage is absolutely worth it – just as long as both people are on the same page and feeling fulfilled by each other and their relationship. What matters most isn’t that two people stick together despite ridiculously inappropriate events; it’s that they keep each other happy – even if ending their marriage is key in doing so.
Oh, and since you mentioned reader demographics: I’m a single 24 year old Asian/soon-to-be mom/sex worker. I know you love me already ;-P
January 6th, 2009 at 5:47 am
It’s a gamble, FBC. It’s definitely not for everyone, although most try. But like I said, it’s a gamble. For those who win big–the answer is an obvious “yes”. For those who lose big–the answer is a “hell no”. For those who lost but got quite a lot out of it- I believe they’d still say “yes”.
January 6th, 2009 at 6:43 am
I think marriage is sort of a societal appendix. It no longer serves the purpose it once served, and we really don’t need it any more.
However, laws have not yet caught up, and so currently there are benefits to being married in most countries (you can visit your spouse in the hospital, share medical benefits, file taxes jointly, support her/him for immigration, etc) which aren’t available to non-married long-term relationships. Of course, to partake in these opportunities you have to be straight (in most countries, although happily not here in NL), or otherwise have a traditional relationship (in Western countries, that means only two adults in the relationship). Personally, I’d rather see marriage become a ceremony and nothing more, and for these side benefits to become contractual arrangements with more flexibility for the variety of human relationships which exist.
I don’t imagine the laws will change soon, and people are still very much caught up in the mystique of marriage. Simply look at what people are spending on weddings, trying to create some special, magical moment. What about focusing on your feelings for each other? You can have that without a fancy wedding, you can have that without a marriage.
Btw, I don’t think the breakup stats are so relevant, except to people who think marriage is always better than living together (and I don’t know many people who feel that way, except perhaps grandparents). Breakups can hurt just as much whether there’s a marriage or not (I’m sure you’re aware of this, from the one you referenced in an earlier blog).
January 6th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I talked about this on my podcast recently and I think it comes down when you are ready for it. Right now, at this point of my life, marriage isn’t worth it. I’m too young to be tied down to one person and have the rest of my life restrained. And I’m not even talking sexually. I like coming and going as I please and making decisions on my own. Once you get married, all that stops. It’s all about “we” and “us”. That’s my first problem. I’m still too young and selfish. The second problem for me is the logic in it. That 50% stat is for first time marriages. As you go to second marriages it shoots up to 60% divorce rate and 75% for third time marriages. For someone who makes decisions based on logic…I can’t see giving myself a 50% chance at happiness. That’s crazy. The last problem is that I see marriage as the beginning of the end of my life. That sounds morbid but from my point of view it is. The reason to get married is to have kids…when you have kids you are then set for at least 18 – 25 years of doing everything in your life for them (that’s just for one child). By the time you’ve gotten your kids out of your house and on the right path by devoting your entire life to them, you’re almost pushing senior citizen age. That’s where mid-life crisis come from. You’re finally free and now you want to go back and do all those things you couldn’t do when you were younger because you were married with kids.
Again, I’m not saying I won’t get married, but right now…no time soon.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:05 am
To me, the one “failure” that haunts me is that I was not able to raise my daughter under my own roof. I love being her dad, and in retrospect being a father is the one thing that I engage in that really fullfils me as a man and a human being.
I would love to raise another child, but I would totally want to have an intelligent, helpful and kind partner there with me. My baby’s momma is cool enough to let me participate freely in her life, but I think I made my point.
For those of us who love children, who want to raise children, are ready to get up late to change their diapers, turn down the tv when they ask questions, and rush to their sides when they cry for us, and who find a partner who is on the same page, I think marriage would work.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Is marraige worth it? Take the following situation. Married couple. Struggle early with money, Hit mid 30’s 10 years together, money good kids good, sex good.
One morning, She wakes up, feels sick. She has a disease. It will kill her. SLOWLY. PAINFULLY. Could take 5 years, she may go 20. It will never be good again. Everyday will bring immense pain. Sex ends, money shot. Kids freak. The couple takes a hit, but he comes home to her everynight. He cares for her,He finds the money for their needs. She stays upbeat. She refuses drugs for pain that will render her zombie like so that the kids have a parent to come home to.
12 years later… she is handicapped, hands and feet don’t work. No sex, Kids straighten out, Money tight but he still finds a way, She is alive according to her doctors because of the love and devotion of the kids and him. She still smiles through the pain. He still comes home to her every night, He holds her in the morning, and at night.
Yea is sucks having to live like people in their 80’s when we should be looking at the “best part of our lives.” Nope there is no “retirement” on the horizon, and everyday will be a physical struggle.
There was never a minute. NOt one where I wanted to leave. I miss my lover, but I love my wife. The disease could take the former, but as long as we keep going, I still have the best friend, the greatest cheerleader and the one person who makes me smile or cry or FEEL, in my life. Moreover, I get to be with that person everyday. As we have grown older, the comfort in that relationship is a source of strength for us both.
Leaving would have been easy I guess. I’d have money, and sex and time for all the things I want to do like boating and traveling and seeing plays in NYC. But I would come home knowing that I failed to live up to a bargain I agreed to. I would know that when the going got tough, I got up and left. I would have to live in a world, where I let the one person down, who needed me the most, when she needed me most. I would have not been in LOVE, and I would forever have to wonder if I even knew what LOVE was.
Love in a lustful way wains. Love in a soulful way remains forever if one works at it. It means listening to each other. It requires turning ones ideas around a bit to “stay on the same page” It means understanding that what happens inside of you is more important than what you have and what you want.
If that sounds like deprivation, or masochism, you don’t know love. I walk around all day almost everyday pretty happy. She and I have a tough road and we are not perfect, but the union between us is. We do the things we need to do to keep our relationship real and alive. We work toward a goal of having as much time together as God will allow us and making that time matter.
I feel like I fail to make the case for marriage here, but I will tell you that maybe what we have, defies description (or maybe I am just not that good at explaining it.) The only thing I can say is that there is not anything or anyone else worth the value of hearing one of us say to the other “thank you,” or “I love you.” or ” I am glad you are here.” If you understand what I mean when I say that, you understand love and committment,which is after all what marriage is all about.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I’m in that age group that just graduated college and is getting started on a career. Several of my friends are engaged and most of them have the weddings planned for this year.
At this point in my life, I couldn’t possibly get married, nor would I want to. Though I was in a relationship a few years ago where I received a promise ring and we actually spoke of getting married after I finished college, I can see now how stupid that would’ve been.
I have my own plans for the things I need to do (grad school!) and while I wouldn’t mind having someone to share some things with, I couldn’t just share everything. It’s not like time is running out.
Quick demographic: 23/Black/single/sign language interpreter
January 6th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Co. sign. I decided at 15 that marriage and kids are not in my plan. that’s not to say I do not want love and commitment. but it does mean that i do not want to enter such a risky venture where my emotional and financial stability are so subject to somebody else’s whims. AND I have to give up my dreams to do that? no thanks.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:29 am
First off, I totally love your blog. I have you on my blogroll.
Secondly, I personally believe marriage these days should be your own personal choice. It’s entirely clear to me that we no longer have to live in the traditional family structure. If you want to get married — great — more power to you. However, for those of us who aren’t married because we aren’t ready, don’t want to, don’t have the funds, etc., we should be respected (not pitied or mocked) because we made the right choice during whatever point our lives are in.
28, Asian American grrrl
January 6th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Marriage with great love is a beautiful and profound thing. I also think it’s rare. I got married because I found a nice guy, I was almost 30, I really wanted to have kids and I thought I should. I like my husband but I have never loved him. I am really not a bad person though to admit this sure doensn’t make me look good. I often wish my husband was an asshole so I would have a good reason to leave. I remember the days when I had my own place, great girl friends, horny boy friends, a cool job and a cat. That life was good (if a little shallow). But I love my kids and they wouldn’t be here if I had made other choices. My kids are everything. I want more for them though. My heart would break if my children wound up living my life.
By the way, think of me as the (old) Lumpy White Chicken. Wait that’s disgusting. On second thought, don’t.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I read a quote once that said something to the effect of “it isn’t that there are too many divorces, it’s that there are too many marriages in the first place”.
We get conditioned at a very young age to believe that marriage is something that you grow up and just do, with the implication often being that you’re not really an adult and that you haven’t really grown up until you’ve done it.
Marriage started out as an economic institution and was rarely about love. In this context, marriage, as we’ve come to think of it, doesn’t have much of a place in today’s society.
That being being said, I am not quick to deem the idea of marriage worthless. I think it’s important that we as individuals and as a society redefine our notions of marriage, keeping what works and getting rid of what clearly doesn’t. I think it’s important that both parties approach such a union as fully realized people and not from the standpoint of being only half of a couple. I think having realistic expectations in such a relationship is paramount.
It can and does work but it is not the one size fits all formula that society would have us think it is.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Is marriage worth it? YES… Getting your hearbroken on videotape, is that awesome? No
As a married woman I cannot relate. When people discuss a topic that they are against they usually only see the negative. I guess that’s the reason why they aren’t for it – they don’t think of ther joy or happiness in it. What about finding your soulmate, growing old with the one person that “gets you”, having amazing sex that gets better and better and better. No I am not saying that marriage is perfect…far from it. By why would I want to spend my life wandering aimlessly about from one person to the next until I’m old an alone. “No man is an island”.
The situations that you mention are the exception to the rule not the norm. Yes marriages fail 50% of the time but it’s for numerous reasons. Yes that number is very high however you cannot compare marriage to the MTA; apples and oranges my dear. Marriage and children intensify your basic feelings, they do no make them better. If you are unhappy single you will be very unhappy married. If you have a bad marriage, children will make it worse. The key is finding the right person not just any person. People are so caught up in getting married that they are so quick to focus on finding someone they never take the time to think if this is “the” person for them.
Many single girls have taken Sex in the City a little too literally. Ladies stop being so jaded about life and love! If you keep putting the ideas out there that if you get married and it will be a nightmare…then you know what? It will.
Luckily I have found my soulmate and I am happily married to her. We have 2 beautiful children and I would not have done it any other way! Sex-check! children-check! Sorry no bitter fights, loneliness or drama. :)
Peace,
Nicole
January 6th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Marriage is cool, assuming you married Mrs. Doodlius. But since I’m the only one who did, your milage may vary.
By the way, I hope you’re not equating “marriage” with “having kids”, because it doesn’t always work that way. There are plenty of married people without kids, and there are plenty of single people with them.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I understand being against marriage because it’s just not for you, but arguing the 50 percent failure rate is not a valid reason. Mainly because the marriage failure rate is not the same for all groups. Someone who married now, in their 30s with a bachelor’s degree has a significantly lower chance of divorce than someone who married in their 20s in 1970s or even someone who marries younger now. Those who have more experience with life have a better idea of who they are and who they want to be with, and a better chance of staying together.
That said, I do agree with aenn on some parts: people do place too much on marriage and especially weddings. If more people put as much time into the relationship than in their wedding planning, more couples would stay together. And I don’t agree with how closely marriage and our legal rights are entertwined — people in long-term relationships should all get the same rights. If you choose to get married, that’s fine, but even if you just decide to stay in a monogomous relationship, that’s cool too.
As Desiree said, I think marriage works. It’s just all about realistic expectations.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Marriage is like many other things in life. A lifestyle choice. It takes serious commitment and it is still very relevant in our society today. In regards to the statistics about the failure rate of marriage and the hypothetical question about the trains.
We all participate daily in an event with a 100% failure rate. LIFE, nobody gets out alive. I don’t hear anyone saying to heck with it. Just used as an example to tell people it’s not about success or failure of marriage, it’s about growth as a person.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I think marriage gets a bad rap. I’m married….for the second time, and really and truely happy. if you looked at my life during my first marriage, you’d say i was posterboy for remaining unhitched. the key to marriage or relationships is finding the right person for you.
you got to break some eggs to make an omelet people….
January 6th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
just out of interest,what is a ‘proper’ black woman,and what does their straightened hair have to do with anything?
January 6th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Interesting comments.
I was never one with a crowd around me, which was ok because I have no problems being by myself. I prefer to be alone than pretend to be someone I’m not for others. This is why it is so wonderful to find someone, for whom I was not looking, who got to know me and loved me regardless!
Yes you have to be ok, and have a clue about your goals in life before you can share your life successfully with someone else. If you have to give up your dreams to be with someone then you certainly should not be with that someone. Though people grow, and dreams can change.
It would be nice to share the adventures of life with someone else. Someone who supports you, adds to the excitement, cares for you, and depends on you for the same. If that person only brings you down and adds no value to your life, then single is definately better.
January 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
First off there has to be some what, chem-misery? Chem-mystery?? Oh well. What exactly is marriage? Two people consenting to a relationship and asking friends and family to accept it. If two people live together the government might consider them legally married. Don’t fall in love 75% of the time you’ll get hurt!! Don’t learn anything 75% of the time you’ll fail or get laughed at. Stay under your bed, stay alive, learn nothing, love nothing. Now ask yourself, why aren’t I happy? Without risk is life worth living? We learn about ourselves when we let others in. Marriage, mirage? Marriage is one of the ultimate sharing, compromising, communication tools there are. A long time ago people had one job and one spouse. Today, many jobs, many complex relationships.
Personally I think marriage is just a piece of paper. Who and how you love and proclaim your love is up to you. When the love light fades either look for a spark or blow it out. Accept the fact that things change and people change, be forgiving and accomodating to the changes even if one of them is divorce. Marriage works if both are consenting, know how to deal with the rocks on the road, and know how to properly deal with things if they fall apart. The whole richer for poorer stuff is supposed to help couples realize that marriage isn’t a solve all your problems thing. Kay, this way too long.
January 6th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I certainly hope marriage is worth it seeing how I just got engaged!
January 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
ahhhhhh, the immortal conversation of Marriage.
Marriage is worht it depending on your motives.
If you are deluded enough to believe in this ever lasting love thing, then its not really worth it, b/c it will more likely end miserably.
If you believe in the 1st marriage for money / 2nd for security / 3rd for love addage, then it very well could be worth it.
It makes no sense to get married too early, b/c life and marriage rotates on one axis. Its that Axis of options, you are more likely to be content and happy with your other if your options are limited. The older you get the less options you get. The older you get the more you realize the difference from what you need and what you covet.
You cant know yourself at a real young age. Yes some ppl get lucky and some ppl are hella stubborn, but marriage at a young age is just not the right choice. So if you can wait it out, i think marriage can be worth it in the end. LIVE YOUR LIFE 1ST .. before you start living life for SOMEONE ELSE!
January 6th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
To me marriage is a lifestyle choice that provides stability and happiness, assuming of course you find the right person. I would love to wake up every morning to a person I will grow with in life and provide for a successful family. I think this kind of life is a lot better than just being with different partners through your whole life and then just growing old by yourself.
Twanna, wouldn’t you be much happier with a loving husband rather than just dating multiple guys? Nothing wrong with dating to find the right partner, but eventually it just get’s old.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:42 am
By the way, here’s an Irony Alert:
The 1st ad on your site right now is for “MarriedDateClub.com” – “Meet M<arried Women! Married but looking? Meet local married women right now!”, accompanied by the obligatory 3 photos of chicks giving the camera that typical slutty-flirty-come-hither look. Priceless.
So, is marriage worth it? Guess it isn’t for some people.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@ Mistress Mom: Wow, beautifully written — what matter is “that they keep each other happy – even if ending their marriage is key in doing so.” And, yes, you’re right I *DO* love you already!! :)
@ Peggy b.: :)
@ Aenn: I soooo agree with you. (It’s okay if others don’t.) I think you were spot on when you said: “What about focusing on your feelings for each other? You can have that without a fancy wedding, you can have that without a marriage.” Hence, why I opened this post by saying I was writing about “‘love’ and (separately) ‘marriage’.” Sometimes those overlap. Sometimes they don’t. And, yes, breakups hurt whether you’re married or not.
@ Kriss: True, marriage, is often all about “we” and “us”. Funny you mention: “I see marriage as the beginning of the end of my life.” I don’t agree, but they sentence made me laugh. :)
@ Armando: Three cheers for single dads. You guys have it really tough; generally speaking, the courts don’t favor you. :( By the way, if you’d like to read single dad stuff, check out Trey Ellis’ work: http://www.treyellis.com/.
@ That Lawyer Dude: BEAUTIFUL story. :)
@ Rachel: AWESOME you’re going to grad school. :) And *SUPER* awesome you’re a sign language interpreter. When I spent a year in California, the National Center on Deafness was on our campus. The school had a deaf dorm and one of my good friends worked as a sign language interpreter. So-called “hard of hearing” from congenital hearing loss, I have an affinity for deaf culture. Soooo don’t ask my friends about “Sound and Fury.” They *HATED IT* that I got so addicted to that movie. That one and, much earlier of course, Children of a Lesser God.
@ tiffany: Exactly! “Love and commitment” doesn’t equal marriage.
@ eelenay: Glad you like the blog. THANK YOU!!! :) And, yeah, I think marriage should be a personal choice, too.
@ meg: Woman, take that old lumpy white chicken and OWN it!! :) Sexiness comes at all ages, sized, shapes and colors. THREE CHEERS FOR LUMPY OLD WHITE CHICKENS!!! :) For the record, I disagree with you. You mentioned admitting you like but don’t love your husband “sure doesn’t make me look good.” Quite the contrary! Admitting that makes you HONEST! That, of course, makes you look good. I truly believe many many many people who marry do it for the same reason that you did. By the way, I know a friend in a similar situation to yours read a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.” She liked it. It’s available for less than $10 on Amazon.
@ Desiree: Love that quote!! :)
@ Nicole: Not sure if you intended it that way, but your comment came across condescending in tone. If that was your intent, it’s not flattering. To date, I’ve met exactly 0 people who’ve become MORE interesting or compelling by condescending. Now, the next bit, as I mention in this post, I’m not “against” marriage. It’s not for me. I’m quite sure there’s joy and happiness in some marriages; and, of course, there are times when being married feels 100% shitty. Likewise, there’s joy and happiness in singlehood; and, of course, there are times when being single feels 100% shitty. Anyone who claims either status is ALWAYS 100% great is simply 100% lying. By the way, you mention “wandering aimlessly about from one person to the next until I’m old an alone.” Don’t assume single = alone. There are plenty of people — Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, cougar Susan Sarandon and her sex cub, Halle Berry & that fine ass specimen, etc — who are not married, yet not alone. Don’t assume marriage = committed. Plenty of men and women cheat. Also, (shit, your comment was full of assumptions) don’t assume “alone” = zero people around you. Many of my single friends have very action social lives and tons of people around them (lovers, friends, dates, family members, fellow singletons, etc.). You said: “Ladies stop being so jaded about life and love!” Nope. I’m not jaded about life or love. If you’ve found a marriage that truly works for you and you’re a happy person because of it, more power to you! :)
@ Baba Doodlius: Seee, you guys seem happy. :) Seriously, every time you mentioned Mrs. Doodlius, she seems really cool. Your comments are her and the life you’re building together are genuinely refreshing and inspiring. It sounds like love.
@ maryann: [sigh] Again, I’m not “against” marriage.
@ Jaiart: YEP!! :) Cosign. Growth is key … and you can do that with or without a marriage.
@ dkzone: :)
@ delilah: The “straightened hair” was a descriptor — just like the word “beautiful.” But, I notice you didn’t take exception to that. So, now, **I’M** curious: Why do you ask? :) Are you looking for something further?
@ Kali: “If you have to give up your dreams to be with someone then you certainly should not be with that someone.” SOOOO true!!! :) And, that has zero to do with being married or being single.
@ LathargicAddict: Oooh, I’m not going to touch the “marriage is a piece of paper” comment. Might write a post on that in the future. :) TOTALLY agree with you: “Who and how you love and proclaim your love is up to you.”
@ GrizzBabe: CONGRATS on getting engaged!! That’s awesome; when did that happen?? One of the most interesting things about blogging for as long as I have is that I’ve e-witnessed readers get married, have children, etc. I still remember when AmyD blogged about being single then about meeting some random guy then about buying a house with him then about got married. And, now, you! :)
@ Vegas International: Love that — “LIVE YOUR LIFE 1ST .. before you start living life for SOMEONE ELSE!” :)
@ AirForce Guy: Oooooh, are you really in the Air Force? Hat’s off to you. Also, not that this matters, but military typically men have GREAT bodies. :) And, who DOESN’T love a guy in uniform?? :) My friend Dan, a retired Marine, is a GORGEOUS boy. I’ve never seen him naked but hugging him clues me in that he’s packing a hot body under his clothes. Nice. Anyway, back to the topic at hand … You mention “being with different partners through your whole life and then just growing old by yourself.” Tons of people who get married get divorced — others have their partner precede them in death. Tons of people who “shack up” with their partners stay put till death do them part. Status — being married or being single — doesn’t guarantee you will or won’t be alone in old age. You ask, “Twanna, wouldn’t you be much happier with a loving husband rather than just dating multiple guys?” My answer? I’m happy with or without a man. I date to find the right partner. Once I find him, we cozy up together in a loving, monogamous, committed relationship. Sometimes it lasts years. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’d like to find a guy that I stay with much longer — perhaps, till death. In other words, it’s a lot like marriage … just without throwing a big ceremony to: (1) celebrate the pretense all committed relationships last an eternity (2) getting the State so deeply, legally involved in our love affair.
@ Baba Doodlius: OMG, that’s PRICELESS!!!!! :)
January 7th, 2009 at 11:39 am
if and when you find someone to spend your life with….. then that is golden….
some just say vows to each other and go from there…. there are some Hollywood
couples who have been together for years…. had kids and are very happy…. maybe it’s when you stand to the world and proclaim everlasting everything then
for some reason things dont pan out is when you feel that marriage isn’t what the build up has always been….. but it is…. maybe you just have to work at to make
so ….. my parents were married for 48 years….. that’s a lot of ups and downs and in between …. a lot of love….. they gave it a shot and it worked… I guess we as a
newer generation want things to be cool right out of the box…. sometimes you get lucky and it does….. sometimes you have to make the time to have the time
to spend the time….. with each other…..
lamesabassman……. give it a go….. who knows… 48 years could be doable…
January 7th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
lamesabassman: I’d be happy if I managed to LIVE 48 years. Hats off to your folks!
January 7th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Marriage is like anything else good fer those what are fer it, not good fer those what are agin it. How is my accent?
In other words, get it where you fit in, which basically applies to a great many thing in life.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
If u find that right person..then its worth it..otherwise..its basically a gamble..sometimes u win..sometimes its doesn’t work out..I believe it isn’t for everybody..but everybody should be able to get married..its a constant battle in the end..but hey..thats marriage..for better or worse :)
January 7th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
i say yes. but that’s because i’m shallow and love symbols. if i’ve taken the ride, i want the t-shirt. if i’m committed for life, i want the ring, the off-white dress (cause i’m not a liar) and the ceremony that carefully and creatively mixes our respective cultural customs. logical? no. but i don’t give a shit. my wedding pics are gonna be so dope and that’s what matters.
January 7th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Marriage used to be a societal necessity, but now I have to agree with the people who say that marriage is a lifestyle choice. It’s great for some, totally not for others. People who want marriage and people who don’t will probably never understand the other point of view. Whether or not it’s “worth it” has more to do with the nature of the actual relationship, IMO.
I have been with my guy for four years, happily committed with no wedding rings in sight. We live together, share our day-to-day lives, take care of each other, make each other laugh. Our lives are not that different from most married couples, I suppose, but I don’t want to get married just to conform to some kind of standard or to make other people happy.
It boils down to this: Are we happy? Yes. Do we need a piece of paper and a ceremony to make us happier? I don’t think so.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Strike 1 has armed me with the necessary tools to ensure a more successful trip down the aisle when my next at bat comes around. If anything – I feel like I did quit too early the first time around but that’s probably because it was me that “put asunder” what God joined together … Anyway, next time around I’ll have more staying power, restraint and humility.
And if that doesn’t seem to be enough … I’ll join a gym and out live her.
~blk
January 7th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I was married and it was worth it to the point that I have two beautiful children as a product of my marriage. But looking back I could have had the kids and saved the drama and just been a “baby-daddy” which i still ended up being anyway.
So what was the point?
January 7th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
There are no gaurantee’s in life so there damn sure aren’t any in love. Think of it this way, when you were younger you may have loved ketchup on everything then when you got older you don’t eat ketchup at all. People’s taste changes in life. Why try to force someone to eat ketchup? The thing to do is NOT try to force it. Come together as friends, stay together as friends and once it becomes evident that it won’t work, PART as friends. Not the I hate you so I’m going to screw you fest that marriage has become. Remember, you used to,or you may still love that person why intetionally hurt them like that?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
@That Lawyer Guy
Dude! marriage does not adequately describe/define what you and your wife have!!! A co-worker once told me she knew she wasn’t just ‘in love’ with her husband, she said she ‘loved’ him because if he got sick and she had to care for him (feed him, clean him, etc) she would do it. She had been married for at least twelve years at the time. What you two have is real love versus romantic love. Romantic love is what we see in movies, real love is what you practice everyday.
@FBC
At this point in my life I am less about ‘marriage’ than I am about a committed relationship. That means we are committed to each other and exclusive to each other emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. If that committment should include marriage….cool. If not….also cool. Would my point of view change if I were to have kids (ok, fine, adopt kids)….maybe.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Girl, the comments are flying. I do believe in marriage and plan to do it the first time. Of course it might not work out but that doesn’t mean that I don’ want to try. I hope that Michelle and Barack’s strong marriage example helps bring back the intergrity of the institution.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Well, I wouldn’t mind giving marriage a shot. Most of the officers at my base are married and show a great example of what a successful marriage should be. I’m personally looking forward to starting a family.
Anyway, I’m also trying to become an officer in the Air Force as well through ROTC. I’m a 20 year old white guy trying to get through college with a Computer Science degree right now. Once I get tht shit straihgtned out, I’m going to be looking for a suitable partner. Above all things though, she has to be hot…..
January 8th, 2009 at 1:40 am
I respect anyone who realizes when something isn’t for them.I’ve known women who got married just because their friends were. It’s not a “Club”, it’s supposed to be a lifetime commitment. It’s not easy and I’m speaking as someone who has been married for nearly 11 years. It has it’s ups and downs and sometimes you wonder why you married that person. You wonder if the grass is greener, you get bored, you get frustrated, etc. It’s work, but it should not have to be so much work that you lose yourself in the process. I think that some women want a wedding, but have no idea what marriage is really about. That day is over so quick, but it boils down to whether or not you can live with that person and their issues or if they can live with yours. Compatibility is the key to any successful marriage. Being single is the opportunity to work on yourself so that you can be a healthy whole person in a marriage, if that is really for you.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:38 am
Airforce guy: Ah yes, hotness…the necessary ingredient for a successful lifelong relationship lasting upwards of 40 years. Let’s hope that’s not the key ingredient, or you’ll need to swap wives every so often. Something like 99.9% of the population stops looking hot well before 60.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
tell that to Sean Connery… or Eartha Kitt… one is gone..and the other still rocks..
lamesabassman….. the older you are, the better you get… it could happen.
January 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@ lamesabassman: Wow! 48 years. That’s a long time. :) Kudos to them.
@ Baba Doodlius: I know!! :)
@ Jaiart: :)
@ mrsbigg: Perfectly stated: marriage isn’t for everybody, but anyone who wants to do it should be able to. :)
@ ieishah: At least you’re honest! :)
@ ladimcbeth: VERY well said! :)
@ blkirish: :)
@ The Bougie Negro: Good question.
@ Southland Diva: Kids change a lot of things.
@ alicia: I love Michelle and Barack Obama. :)
@ AirForce / @Aenn: Funny. :)
@ MarriedBlackKitty: AWESOME comment!! :) And, congrats on 11 years. That’s great. :)
January 8th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
i’m not a fan of marriage for myself, but i support any consenting adults that want to be married..i decided long ago that it wasn’t for me…my best friend has been married 3 times and she seems happy with her husband…
January 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Three things must be and remain true for marriage to work…
1) You both must believe in marriage — that love lasts a lifetime if you both take care of it.
2) You must each believe in yourselves — that you have what it takes to stay together for a lifetime — and you are willing to GIVE it.
3) You must believe in each other — that the other has what it takes.
Finally, people don’t break up over sex — they break up over respect — giving it, getting it and self-respect.
Tim M
January 12th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Love isn’t engineering, Twanna. Imagine if 50% of creative endeavors succeeded. You wouldn’t have enough time in the world to see and hear all the must-see movies, books, albums and artwork.
If marriage isn’t for you, ok, but citing trains, planes and automobiles as comparable is a fallacy.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Most people marry in lust and not love. When you marry a person (of the oppset sex) you marry the mind not the body. Remder you have a defernet word living with you. That person needs and wants are not the same.
January 14th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
50% failure rate? who the hell cares? everything fails at some point. governments, machines, appliances, people. Marriage is like an amusement park, it requires regular maintenance in order for all the attractions to work properly.
the risk of failure is half the fun. If people didn’t take risks we would still be in caves smacking the crap out of each other and then screwing…
January 15th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I think a marriage license should be like any other license. You have to renew it once in a while. Say every 8 years you either stay married or get divorced. You look each other in the eye and say I’m still in, are you still in?
I have been with the same guy for over 20 years and I’m not sorry, definately worth it.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Whoa….. that is a very cool idea….. that would bring a new way of being with
whomever you wished to be with ….. and if it doesnt work….. you split whatever
was gained during your time together and book….. that could work….
lamesabassman……. could we slip this…. by The Pope…….
January 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I have always said that marriage wasn’t worth it. I’m only 24 so maybe i have a lot to learn but i’ve never been interested in marriage. You know how some girls when they’re younger daydream about marriage is like? the picket fence the 2.8 kids blah blah blah. i never did that. I’m just now starting to feel that there is real love out there.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Not for men it doesn’t.
Well, OK. But people say, “Yes, but it will be different for us! We’ll make it work.”. Maybe. But it really doesn’t matter – because for men, taking the risk of marriage no longer makes sense.
The truth is that more than 67% (no, not 50% – do your homework) of marriages will end in divorce. 92% of the time it will be initiated by the woman for no other reason than she is “unfulfilled” – oh, and because she gets the kids, the house, at least ½ the assets and most of his future after tax income for the next 18 years. The man will get raked over in family court. He will lose the house and his kids. He will see his kids 2 out of 14 days (if the ex doesn’t level unsubstantiated “abuse” claims.) He will be forced to hand over 40-50% of his take-home pay. If he loses his job due to illness or downsizing, the State will toss him in jail. While jailed the arrearage will grow and the state will charge interest. The State will revoke his driver’s and professional licenses, make him virtually unemployable.
In the end, most of the time, the guy ends up paying most of his income to a woman who poisons his own children against him. For men, marriage and/or children under any circumstances (except to adopt as a single Dad or by surrogacy) is simply not a rational, responsible choice.
If you were to take up sky-diving, and the instructor informed you that 67% of the parachutes were defective, would you take the plunge?
The men’s Marriage Strike is alive and well, thank you.
nomarriage.com
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:48 am
I returned this evening from dinner with a good friend. We are both in unsatisfying marriages and asked ourselves the same question. Amazing that I literally stumbled into your post after returning home.
I didn’t come up with a good answer when talking it over with my friend. I doubt I could come up with one now. All I know is that I have the choice to end it but, for some reason, I stay.
Perhaps the reason why has something to do with my parents’ marriage. For most of their 40-some years together, my parents cobbled together a relationship fractured by bitter fights, alcohol, financial troubles, infidelity and more. Some of those years, they barely spoke to each other. When they did, they occasionally discussed ending their marriage. But, they didn’t.
As life went on, they began to mellow. The struggles of all those years seemed to smooth their rough, unformed edges and polish their souls. In the end, they seemed to see something of the best of each other reflected back. It wasn’t passion so much as it was truth — the truth that, no matter how ugly things can get in a human life, the capacity to forgive and be forgiven will eventually bring out things far more beautiful than we imagine possible within ourselves. They were devoted to each other in those final years.
My parents passed away within 6 months of each other. My father was first to receive a diagnosis of terminal cancer. Distraught, my mother preceded him in death by dying suddenly four weeks after they were informed of his condition.
Were the last years of their life together worth the hard decades that preceded them? Could they have been happier if they had made different choices, perhaps avoiding marriage altogether? Could they have made something more of their lives? Perhaps. But the same could be said of any life. As one singer noted, “a thousand futures pass away with every choice we make.”
Instead, they stared down the stark consequences of the choice they made and the individuals they were. And, step by bitter step, they fought, forgave and forged on until, perhaps not even expecting it themselves, they became the people they aspired to be from the start — beautiful in each other’s eyes.
I don’t know if the same will happen in my marriage. The dynamic is different. We’re different people. Hanging around funky brown chicks may do wonders for me. My wife would probably see it differently.
Still, thanks for the question! And, thanks for a great blog filled with honesty and openness. I stumbled on you in a Twitter trend on as I fooling around with a new cell phone. One thing led to another…
February 20th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Yes, marriage is definitely worth it. This summer we will be celebrating 15 years of happiness. Now mind you everything wasn’t always peaches and creme nor is it all the time. Still, that is life as they say. I love my wife and she loves me very much. We have three wonderful children that we hope will one day expierence the same love, respect, faith/devotion, and again happiness that we display on a daily basis. It is sad that as an Afrikan-American couple we have a hard time finding other Afrikan-American couples in our situation. Lastly, as for as the sex goes it is 10 times better now than it has ever been. My God I can not imagine being single. I believe I would be in a “shit load” of trouble if I were. I prayed many a day for this life and thank God he has bless me for those prayers. Yes “Funky Brown” marriage is definitely is worth it. Peace!!!!
April 14th, 2009 at 1:40 am
I woke up and had the marriage question on my mind. Since I don't have my own blog, I figured I'd come remark on yours. (Which reminds me–another nice feature for a comment system would be to be able to subscribe via RSS to responses to a post.)
When we're talking about the concept of marriage within the western world, we should remember that it was only relatively recently that “until death do us part” became 30, 40, or 60+ years. Previously, with mortality rates, there was a pretty decent chance that if you didn't die, your spouse would, and you'd remarry after that. And even if your spouse didn't die after a few years and neither did you, your life expectancy meant that it was unlikely you'd end up with 60 years of marriage. This was true even into the 20th century when people became more likely to marry for 'love'. There was a period before antibiotics and vaccinations became more widespread. There was also the Spanish flu, WWI, and WWII, not to mention the rigors of childbirth (which killed my great grandmother in the 1920s). Another great-grandmother was remarried several times, while a grandmother spent more years a widow than married.
My point is that maybe the idea of 'spending the rest of your life with someone' meant something rather different when there was a reasonable chance that life would be “nasty, brutish, and short” (as Hobbes might have put it). Perhaps it's fairly normal for people to switch partners every 10-20 years or so, and those people we hold up as shining examples of marriage (70 years together and still happy!) are in fact the odd ones. In the past people whose partners proved annoyingly healthy may have wanted to get a divorce, but it simply wasn't legal or acceptable then to get one. (Perhaps now we are merely seeing the effects of what people would have done all along, had it been possible.)
It's just a thought. People often cite a throw-away culture, unwillingness to work on relationships, an expectation that you can have it all, women's expectations of equality, and numerous other changes they perceive in society as an explanation for why there are more divorces now. Another massive change in society which took place at about the same time was an increase in life expectancy, so it's also worth considering if it had any impact.
April 14th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Just read this; apologies for the delayed response. Wow. Thank YOU for YOUR honesty, too.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Marriage is not worth the pain, agony and misery that it brings. Marriage is hell on earth and I would not advise anyone to marry. My advise is to run as fast as you can!