I’m back and I need to get laid. I haven’t had a penis tightly rubbing inside me since those hot summer nights with the tall Euro dude. Yep, my warm chocolate center hasn’t had a non-plastic stuffing for at least five months. I’m horny. I miss having sex with another person. In the privacy of his place or mine, I miss pausing to balance a man’s erection against the tip of my tongue — making him wait a few seconds before I swallow him whole. I miss using my left hand (or my lips) to roll a condom on a guy’s stiff shaft while my right hand teases his balls. I miss kisses on bare skin, panting rhythmically while the full weight of a strong body creates friction by grinding up and down on top on mine until I cry out begging for more. I miss being so close to a male nude body that I can smell his skin, taste it even. I miss inching over on the mattress to avoid the wet spot when it’s all over.

I guess this is a simplified version of how my “Twanna Wants to Have an Orgasm” flow chart works … I’d rather have good sex with a boyfriend. Lacking a boyfriend, I crave that mind-blowing, trusting, delicious and breathless sex that only comes from committed, one-night-hookups with male friends. (Fuck buddies.) If I don’t have a fuck buddy, I’ll pull out my vibrator. Got it? “Boyfriend” trumps “fuck buddy” trumps “vibrator.” Not too long ago, it used to be: “boyfriend” trumps “random dude I’m dating” trumps “fuck buddy” trumps “vibrator.” I’ve stopped fucking random dates. I’ve been dating a long time and I’ve gone on so many dates that I’ve noticed the sex usually isn’t as good as I expect it to be. I’ve had the “fuck for fuck’s sake” days. It’s too easy, sometimes unexciting and usually unsatisfying. So, if the choice is between masturbating or having awkward sex with a stranger I’ve only known for a date or two, I’ll leave the dude with a kiss and pull out my vibrator when I get home. Because, that way, at least I’m guaranteed an orgasm.

“If you ever get sick of married life,” I joked with a guy friend, “remember this: not having sex with another person on a regular basis SUCKS. I’ve been so horny in recent weeks it’s ridiculous.” His response? “You still think that marriage somehow guarantees regular sex?  Let me pop that bubble … it’s been 10 MONTHS or more (if not a year) for me.  I forget what it feels like to enter a nice wet pussy … This is not an offer, by the way.” So, yeah, married and single people alike, consider this Museum of Sex poster below:

Ages ago I agreed with that. But, now, I disagree. How about you?