Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?
I’m back and I need to get laid. I haven’t had a penis tightly rubbing inside me since those hot summer nights with the tall Euro dude. Yep, my warm chocolate center hasn’t had a non-plastic stuffing for at least five months. I’m horny. I miss having sex with another person. In the privacy of his place or mine, I miss pausing to balance a man’s erection against the tip of my tongue — making him wait a few seconds before I swallow him whole. I miss using my left hand (or my lips) to roll a condom on a guy’s stiff shaft while my right hand teases his balls. I miss kisses on bare skin, panting rhythmically while the full weight of a strong body creates friction by grinding up and down on top on mine until I cry out begging for more. I miss being so close to a male nude body that I can smell his skin, taste it even. I miss inching over on the mattress to avoid the wet spot when it’s all over.
I guess this is a simplified version of how my “Twanna Wants to Have an Orgasm” flow chart works … I’d rather have good sex with a boyfriend. Lacking a boyfriend, I crave that mind-blowing, trusting, delicious and breathless sex that only comes from committed, one-night-hookups with male friends. (Fuck buddies.) If I don’t have a fuck buddy, I’ll pull out my vibrator. Got it? “Boyfriend” trumps “fuck buddy” trumps “vibrator.” Not too long ago, it used to be: “boyfriend” trumps “random dude I’m dating” trumps “fuck buddy” trumps “vibrator.” I’ve stopped fucking random dates. I’ve been dating a long time and I’ve gone on so many dates that I’ve noticed the sex usually isn’t as good as I expect it to be. I’ve had the “fuck for fuck’s sake” days. It’s too easy, sometimes unexciting and usually unsatisfying. So, if the choice is between masturbating or having awkward sex with a stranger I’ve only known for a date or two, I’ll leave the dude with a kiss and pull out my vibrator when I get home. Because, that way, at least I’m guaranteed an orgasm.
“If you ever get sick of married life,” I joked with a guy friend, “remember this: not having sex with another person on a regular basis SUCKS. I’ve been so horny in recent weeks it’s ridiculous.” His response? “You still think that marriage somehow guarantees regular sex? Let me pop that bubble … it’s been 10 MONTHS or more (if not a year) for me. I forget what it feels like to enter a nice wet pussy … This is not an offer, by the way.” So, yeah, married and single people alike, consider this Museum of Sex poster below:
Ages ago I agreed with that. But, now, I disagree. How about you?
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
it seems like it’d be hard to have good sex with someone who doesn’t know your body well…there are really specific things i like, and maybe it would take away from the experience if i had to say “to the left–no, no over here, and faster, please”
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
Ok…I’m mad that I’m on your blog at 8:45 a.m. when I should be writing and getting some work done.
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
Felt like you were talking to me. Between family and money problems, and stree, and just life married couples can go LONG STINTS between romps in the sack. Masturbation becomes more of a necessary evil than a fun or even “exciting” event. Instead of feeling bored and wanting to turn on a flick and see how hard you can cum or how many times or how much of a load you can blow, it becomes akin to the 3,000 mile oil change. Cause you know your engine is going to get cranky, your steering will be off, and you liable to run head first into someone.
The down side, at lest from my limited guy view, is when you start its like kicking heroin. You feel that first orgasm and you want it again. So you fight yourself doing it again cause I’ll have a three to five tissue a day habit if your not careful. My personal balance between locking myself in the closet with some lotion and a blackberry full of vids and pics and having steam coming out my ears and looking for someone’s head to bite off is about 2 to 3 weeks.
Anyhow, again felt like you were reading my mind on this one. Great post.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:02 am
When I was a teenager, I would have agreed with that. It can be exciting to have sex with someone new. Now that I’m older, I prefer someone who knows my body. I no longer get as much of a rush from the whole ‘newness’ thing. So I guess I would say that I agree with you, and I’ve had a similar progression.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 am
What?!? Wait? You have sex with other people!?! No one ever tells me anything! ;)
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
After reading the first paragraph, anyone (even someone who just had sex 2 minutes ago) would be horny too!
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
sound like we need to pull out that wonderful Erica Jong tome to look 4 tips and a
zippless, for unlawful carnal knowledge, good time…. but after reading the above
lead-in paragraphs…. am lost in thought….. wow….. that was one deeply moving
mind image you presented ….. that is gonna stick around for a few days… am going thru the same circle too…. think about your options…. and try to follow
thru….. seek and you will find, that life is not an empty line but is a river to flow
in…. and with….
lamesabassman….. choose it …or lose it…
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
It’s kind of funny….
I remember when great sex was a marathon of maybe 45 minutes of nonstop thrustomatic.
I’ve come to realize that being able to get each other off in under 10 minutes is the greatest thing in the world! And that only comes from knowing your partner.
With that said i probably average sex with the wife 4 times a week with 2 masterbation sessions squeezed in there somewhere. I have an extensive dvd porn collection and a 400 disc dvd player….so whatever hits my mood…..
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I was just thinking of the poster (as opposed to your article, which is what I commented on earlier). Have they never had good masturbation, or have they never had really bad sex? Certainly so-so sex is better than most masturbation, but bad sex is the sort you regret while it’s still going on. I have yet to regret masturbating.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Thank God 4 porn….. when the tide is out…. you can always find a way in…..
lamesabassman…… any port in a storm…..
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
This is my first time on your site. Your posting for today has me hook line and sinker.
I have not had sex with a man in about 6 months, and I am horny as hell. Been using my toys, but afraid to use too much (afraid by the time actually have sex with a man might not be able to have orgasm…is that possible??? God, I hope not.
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:23 pm
[...] By rachelkb That’s pretty much what my friend Twanna Hines asks, or, as she puts it, “Bad Sex With Others or Good Sex Alone?” As a single girl, I feel her, but I am very wary right now of having sex with someone until I [...]
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
I have to say, I agree. As a reformed brazen hussy, the number of unsatisfying trysts I’ve had tops the mind blowing ones 10 to 1. With those odds, I can safely say the adult toy industry is going to make a lot of money this year. Because we aren’t the only ones that are holding out for the good stuff. :)
January 24th, 2009 at 11:30 am
@ lamesabassman…
Lmaooooooo…
You know FBC, we just gotta get you motivated to get you a FB or even better, a BF… This is a great blog by the way, I agree with you 101%!
January 24th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
i agree you with. i’d erase a couple of guys from my list that i only fucked because i was very horny and boyfriendless.
i guess it depends on people, wheather you stop having sex after getting married or not. sex is usually a good barometer on how’s the relationship is going… i’d say your friend is heading for divorce some time in the future.
January 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
but on the other hand :P i immediately clicked, sexually, with my now boyfriend. and it was one of the things that made me try to pursuit the relationship. but it wasn’t a one night stand. (although we kinda rushed in :P)
whether.
January 24th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I just so happened to stop by and catch up on my FBC when you write about this…ironic. My friends and I had a long talk about this last nighit in between a little salsa and merengue.
90% of my clan agreed – they’d take any sex at all right about now b/c physical intimacy beats “the rabbit” any time. HOWEVER the last time person I had sex with was BAD 99.9% of the time. I gave him more opportunities because I liked him so much. Today I stand by I’d boink myself and hit all the rights spots, the right way every single time than deal with that type of ridiculousness again.
5 months? Pffttt!!! It has officially ben One year, 6 months adn 12 days. Talk about horny…
January 24th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
gee…. Haute…. if you are in LA…. and …you just …. explode ….. will that be
considered an earthquake …..
lamesabassman…… boy howdy, do I feel your pain….
January 24th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
BAD SEX IS A WASTE OF MY DAMN TIME. it leaves me unsatisfied. sex with myself is usually awesome. yeah. that poster is WRONG. even if you add the cuddling factor, that poster is wrong.
January 25th, 2009 at 3:38 am
gee… I dunno….. like take tonight for an example….. went out with a lady that I have’nt seen in a while….. we bumped into each other at Venice Beach last Saturday nite …. hung out for a bit … I was meeting friends…. likewise her… so,
we made plans for the following Saturday…. we were heavy back in the day…. I met her on Sunset at 7pm …. we went to dinner… then she came to my gig at the Knitting Factory.. we had a few Cosmos..when the gig was over, she wanted me to drive her home since she felt she couldn’t….. and I did…. no sooner we hit the door….. she was on me like a shadow on a stone….. now since I knew her before and now viewing the after….. it was not the same…. maybe I felt that we
should be on the same page…. but the level she was on …. well , it didnt feel
right…. so, I tuck her in …. she to her that I was going to the Bathroom… and
I booked….. sent a buddy to flatbed her car to her home .. and I did the same.
but, I couldn’t sleep…. so am writing this bit to unwind…. yeah, most of you
are thinking …. dude, you were golden, dive in….. nope, that’s not my style…
’cause I like my partner on the same page as I…. when we is driving, we’s cool
if it’s getting sloppy style drunk…. I cant hang…. I kinda like a responsive playmate….. so. would you call that bad sex….. some would…. I dont think it
would have been good sex…. for I know that she could and can do….. I just
didnt feel that it was a good time and place to Rumba …..
so, in the place of such….. some good ganja …. a glass of Brandy and a classic
DVD of choice…. guess my Saturday nite was alright….. for now
lamesabassman…… some days, you’re the bug…. some days, you’re the windshield…..
January 25th, 2009 at 5:05 am
I definitely disagree with the poster. Sex with yourself is always better. Bad sex with others often inspires great sex with yourself anyways so why waste your time with others?
I loved your blunt honestly in the first paragraph… captured my attention instantly. Dry spells are hard to survive… you will appreciate each kiss and touch even more when it happens. Shame it has to be that way though. I do agree with your married friend…. marriage doesn’t equal regular sex…. hell, having a live-in boyfriend doesn’t either.
Thank goodness for vibrators, dildos and digits.
Be patient and do you! It works… and is emotionally safe.
Z!
January 25th, 2009 at 5:05 am
I definitely disagree with the poster. Sex with yourself is always better. Bad sex with others often inspires great sex with yourself anyways so why waste your time with others?
I loved your blunt honestly in the first paragraph… captured my attention instantly. Dry spells are hard to survive… you will appreciate each kiss and touch even more when it happens. Shame it has to be that way though. I do agree with your married friend…. marriage doesn’t equal regular sex…. hell, having a live-in boyfriend doesn’t either.
Thank goodness for vibrators, dildos and digits.
Be patient and do you! It works… and is emotionally safe.
Z!
January 25th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I used to be like that.. Have sex with random guys that I dated. Then I ended up with a boyfriend that made me see colorful clouds every time we had sex. We were together for close to 6 years. So when I tried to date someone else the sex sucked.. So I prefer now to have good sex alone. Sometimes I pray that Acid Dick would come back into my life…
January 25th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
he will be back before you even know he’s been gone that long…
lamesabassman….. he surely knows what he is missing…. and that he is missed..
January 26th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Having been on every side of coin you’re tossing (married with bad sex/no sex) meaningless trysts, fuck buddies, over-flowing “goodie drawers” and finally amazing sex with an amazing partner (to whom I’m lucky enough to now be married)I agree with your sentiments 100%.
Every time I had a one night stand or sex with somebody that I just wasn’t that into, the sex sucked. And it took me a while to realize why that was. Sex for sex’s sake is just too much work that it takes the fun out of it. You’re busy being self-conscious if what you’re doing is right, wondering what the hell he’s up to down there, and frankly, if I had to work that hard to get off, I’d rather whip out the rabbit, nubby G or watch some porn and get off myself. I know what I like and how to get myself off. Guaranteed win all around.
Vibrating/Plastic friends don’t replace that male body, and neither does a stranger. Intimacy with a partner is very different than just having sex and I’d say that’s the part your craving. Not just sex but true intimacy with a body you know and that knows yours.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:24 am
I second that emotion……..
lamesabassman……. it’s gettin’ Smokey up in here……
February 2nd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Wow, I’ve been single and living out here inn Denver more than I want to think about. I’m getting to the point where sex with myself is becoming more of the norm than I care to admit. I have been longing for those east coast days where I would have/find a partner and I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m getting to old for the dating thing and its time to settle down. But why settle???
Taking myself in hand is better than some of the folks I’ve met out here. And intimacy is more improtant than sex anyday.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:33 am
i find it fun to put a finger up my arse any one got some good self sex tips or tricks
June 28th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
What about oral sex. you can’t get that from your hand and if the person does it right your head would spin for days. I’ve really only had sex with one person but I will tell you that the nut from sex is sooooooo much better than that from masturbating. But I can’t really say I’ve had bad sex before. But Im sure those days may come.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
[...] are the most important qualities in a mate; (2) what are my dealbreakers; and (3) how important is sex in a relationship? Granted, I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring any of this stuff up during a first date. [...]