Tiffany B. Brown forwarded me “What Do Women Want?” — a New York Times article from the weekend that quickly picked up the #1 slot on their popularity sidebar. Everyone’s reading it. Basically, Meredith Chivers is a 30-something sexologist who studies female lust, arousal and desire. I’d talk about that, but today’s Manly Monday on www.funkybrownchick.com where the “M” in Monday stands for: Mmm, mmm, men! So, from what I gather from the Times article, Chivers recently discovered straight dudes get aroused by ogling “heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women.” However, looking at two dudes go at it creates ZERO reaction in the straight dudes’ nads. For gay men, the response was just the opposite: up (literally) with guy-on-guy action, down with heterosexuals bumping uglies and girls getting it on. And, in case you were wondering, neither straight nor gay guys dig bonobos sex.
Okay, so, I went to a book reading and party celebrating the book babes‘ latest: Between the Covers: The Book Babes’ Guide to a Woman’s Reading Pleasures. Interestingly, a fellow (heterosexual) writer dude and I got into a conversation about how I pick up men.
WRITER FRIEND DUDE: When you’re talking to a guy and you feel like you just aren’t connecting, do you later ever ask yourself what you could’ve done differently to seal the deal?
MOI: [clearly baffled] Me? Like what could I do differently?
WRITER FRIEND DUDE: Yeah . I mean, no. I don’t mean like YOU personally. I’m just saying, you know, women … But, let’s play this out a bit … Do you ever wonder?”
MOI: Wonder what?
WRITER FRIEND DUDE: Why you don’t seal the deal.
MOI: [silently cursing: Um, I didn't think I had a problem sealing the deal. Fucking blog!!! Dudes who don't even know me that well now read it and think they know what my love "problems" are.]
MOI: Nope. That thought has never entered my mind.
WRITER FRIEND DUDE: Perhaps it should.
Whatever. Anyway. So, the rest of the conversation was about how writer friend dude is reading The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. (Gotta hand it to Strauss; he’s got staying power — though the book is already a couple years old, writer friend dude is the second or third guy friend to recently espouse the joys of The Game to me.) I’ve not read the book in its entirety yet, so I’m not gonna bash it. That said, I will say this: I don’t think I’d want to be picked up by a “pickup artist.” And, take heed: thou who doth playeth the game shalt be played. I really believe in that “you get from the world what you put into it” stuff. Don’t play games and, hopefully, you won’t attract as many people who seek to do the same. Easier said than done, no? Because, really, doesn’t EVERYONE play a game to a certain degree?
Call it “being on your best behavior.” I know I certainly hide my deck of crazy cards until AT LEAST the third or fourth date. Here’s what’s behind that: I’m far from perfect and I’m afraid that, if I show a guy my messy bits too early, he’ll be turned off. Early in the dating stuff, I’m more likely to curl my hair pretty, wear make up, slip on high heels, keep my apartment clean, be super agreeable / let minor annoyances slide, etc. With time, I ease up a little bit and show him the “me” that my friends and family see (and love!) every day. That way, it’s a lot easier to stomach it if doesn’t work out. He’s not rejecting me; shit, the dude barely even knows me. Self preservation, really.
But, getting back to the heart of this post. What do men want? Hokey-pokey scientific bonobos stuff aside, if men are anything like women — at their core and regardless if they’re gay straight or otherwise — I think many men are looking for the same thing I’m looking for: someone who will be attracted to and, with time, love me for who I am … flaws along with everything else. That’s my $0.02. Ladies and gentlemen, please feel free to use the comments section to share yours.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m going to have bonobos in my head all day now.
As far as what men want, I don’t know. I could get deep and say “Someone who is willing to share the experience of life with them and grow spiritually with”. But honestly its probably like you said. Somebody they can spend time with and tolerate enough to bump ugly with. Oh and to tell them how huge their penis is. Reguardless to the cure they are grading it on.
I’m getting to that age where I see the benefit in wanting a friend and partner as well as a lover. Life is too hard to get though my yourself most the time. Its nice to have someone in your corner. Tell you your hansom and sexy when you feel ugly and unwanted. Give you a reason to pull your head off the pillow in the morning and not just be another good for nothing pile of shit not doing anything in life. Cause its a lot easier to be that then people would like to admit.
In my experience, that’s what most people want. Men and women aren’t really so different from each other, except for a few people who haven’t outgrown stereotypes yet.
what do men want?!……
at first it sounds like an easy question for a man to answer, and being the manly man that I am….
But i think about it a bit and realize that i don’t always know what i want. Like, when I go out to the mall….I may walk into various shops and look at stuff that I thought i really wanted….Until, i realized that i really don’t want it and leave it at the store.
anyway, heres my list
1. freedom….freedom to be who we are, not the image of who you want us to be.
2. sex……we probably don’t want sex as much as you think….BUT WE DO WANT IT!
3. Someone to listen to us when we have something we want to say, thats important.
4. someone to play grabass in the kitchen with…..I know this sounds crazy. But you are in good when you can have your ass playfully grabbed or do the grabbing, in the kitchen for no other reason than you want that person to know you find them sexy enough to grope them.
5. We don’t want to feel like a machine….we may act like it from time to time….but we need a break and some spontaneity too
6. We watch sports because “WE LIKE SPORTS” it is not a requirement that the woman we are into also like it….but it is a plus….But having a woman purposefully try and sabotage our watching of sports is a big no no…..like why in the world would you want to talk about the drapes during any playoff event? or schedule things during times that you know are important to him.
I agree that men and women pretty much want the same things. When I was younger and more out there on the dating scene I always generalize all men based on the few men I met who were just looking for a good time and had no regard for a woman’s emotions. I think we just meet people at different stages i their life; in my previous bad luck I met men when they still didn’t know what they want. Today, I’m meeting men who want the same thing we want, I guess the games and flings get old and eventually we all want stability and that one.
I think in the end men want a more to stimulate them, pamper them, and give them great sex! As a matter of fact, I want that too! :)
@dkzone – Most of the men I’ve been involved with didn’t like sports, or at most had one sport that they liked to watch (formula one, wrestling).
@Powder Room Girl – Maybe I was meeting your men. When I was out looking for a good time and had no regard for men’s emotions, I only encountered men who wanted relationships.
what do men want…… the ability to be free enough to have and to hold …. to not
be afraid to admit to have fear…. love…. an opinion …. to talk and be heard….
date dutch treat without being called cheap….. or a pimp….. to share thoughts freely without being called a nerd….. to have a point of view…..
what do guys want…… to not be treated like a sex toy/boy toy….. to want women
to be real enough to say wants on their mind….. what they desire and if they just
want a one night stand just say so….. and not an affair just linger on ….
lamesabassman…… guys want what woman want….. warmth and faith….
and a few cupcakes would’nt hoit……
lamesabassman…… and no 2% milk…..
Funny how this post has not gotten a lot of responses. Men are expected to be simple creatures, the candy bar to the woman’s chocolate box. Enough of that…
(Most) Men want to be able to grow up. They want to have friends who respect them when they develop emotionally and diminish physically. They want guidance for the things they could not possibly know. However, we need to know that the people we love count on us, also. We want to be respected for what we offer and not so quickly corrected. Disagree, but let it be.
And when you ask what is on our minds, and we say “nothing”, that means that nothing is wrong, nothing is lacking, nothing needs to be mended, and we were in a tranquil place enjoying that lazy hazy elusive peace that comes from contentment.
And a beer. An ice cold beer.
Hey Aenn I think you were, isn’t it funny that when you don’t care to get involved with men that’s when most of them seek you? I think when you show less interest for something you are pushed on that direction?
Armando G, I like how said it. I think we tend to generalize and underestimate men. I think, even though we tend to be the ones to give things too much thought and over analyze, in the end we don’t really understand man. We focus on the bad & the ugly and overlook what you guys are really about.
I told myself recently that I’m gonna relax and take things easy and just let things unfold like men do. I love your last paragraph, I wish we could learn to just sit back and just enjoy the feeling of contentment :)
Armando G and DKZone said it all except make it a bourbon and coke instead of a beer – sounds like what women want as well.
this reminds me of some humor emails i get every once in a while that’s a huge laundry list of what women want from men, with over a hundred items. finally it gets to what men want from women and it’s two things:
1. show up naked.
2. bring beer.
not always, but sometimes it is that easy.
the naked part is easy…. the beer part….. is getting kinda hard…. it’s the carbs…
lamesabassman….. sometimes… ya gotta look good… to get it….
As a man, who is a father and has been married and divorced, and has seen behind the wizard’s mask, All I really want is a neat single malt scotch, a great cigar, my Harley, and a woman who will make me happy (What ever the hell that means). At this stage I don’t want marriage, I don’t want drama, I don’t want problem women. I don’t want baby’s mama’s, with all their drama. I want “ME”. I want a sexual partner who is good to go, home after we’re done.
Been living other people’s drama for too many years to saddle up and ride that nag again. For now, after a while I will be ready to hitch up again.