Sometimes I feel lonely in New York City. As I’ve said before, loneliness is about not having one’s needs met and it doesn’t have anything to do with the # of people around you. In my past, the times I’ve felt most alone were when I was in a relationship with a man who was either incapable or unwilling to “be there” for me emotionally when I needed him most. But, he’s a topic for a different day, a different blog post. Back to me. So, if loneliness is about not having one’s needs met, I wonder: what “needs” do I have.
Um, I’m not getting laid on a regular basis. That, of course, sucks. I had some dude / “Facebook friend” I’ve never met offer to give me a massage. Horny as I am, I still declined. I’m not in the habit of making appointments to meet strangers in unknown spaces by myself and letting them touch my naked flesh. I NEED A FUCK BUDDY. Where are my male friends in my hour of need???? ;) That aside, I guess I felt pretty lonely recently because the Chelsea v. Liv’pool game was on Sunday, and I didn’t have anyone watch it with me. My fellow soccer fanatic, Bro, wasn’t in town and I don’t think Irene watched the game. Ro was supposed to meet me at the bar, but she got delayed at home then caught up in parade traffic. I ended up watching the game at Slainte by myself. It was the first time I’ve ever done that. It was great because I was around others who got PISSED OFF when Lampard was sent off for no good reason … and when that smug little fucker Torres slid into a pose after his first goal. But, truth be told, being there also felt kind of strange, like a public declaration: “I’m sitting on this bar stool alone because I have zero friends.” Nonsense, I know. I have friends. I just need to meet more people who actually like soccer — that way, I don’t have to watch games by myself. Thank God for Meetup! I joined the New York English Premier League and World Cup group. Also, I might connect with the New York Blues; they support one of my teams, Chelsea, and they seem even more hardcore than I am.
After the game ended, I met up with Sakes, Angie and Ro for our Beautiful Brown Girls Brunch Club. (Some members pictured below.) Every couple months or so, a group of brown-skinned friends from different ethnic backgrounds get together to talk about our relationships, the black men in our lives, dating, jobs, etc. You know, the stuff that makes live beautiful. Stuff like friendship. “In a 90s 00s kind of world, I’m glad I got my girls.” Anyway. Last time we met up, we went to Insomnia Cookies; this time, we went to Essex. Chatting, Sacred told us Facebook recently disable Sacred’s account because her name didn’t sound real or something like that. Crazy, right? What’s more? This TOTALLY sucks because she’s an international humanitarian aid worker abroad who honestly NEEDS that site to send birthday greetings to friends, view pics of loved ones and do other stuff that helps her keep in contact with the rest of us back home. It’s her lifeline to stay connected to us while she’s living in fairly harsh, isolated, dangerous and, yes, lonely conditions abroad. Thankfully, for now, we’ve got her in New York visiting for a while and my fingers are crossed that Facebook reopens her account before she leaves.
Taking a page from Grateful Dating, I should probably spend more time focusing on the things for which I’m grateful. Today, it’s friendship. How about you? What makes you feel grateful today?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I just had this conversation with a friend last night. I’m grateful for friends too. I’m also grateful for being able to pursue my interest in filmmaking. It’s been a great creative outlet.
I’ve never been big into friends so this is a conversation to which I can’t really relate. I have one “friend” from childhood, and he lives in Georgia.
I do have several acquaintances from my childhood but really they’re just people I chat with on Facebook, I also know people from the job I am on sabbatical from but they’re work friends.
Sometimes I am wistful to see my friend since it has been 10 years since I last saw him, but I have one friend I am most wistful to see again, it has been 12 going on 13 years since I’ve seen him, my brother who was heinously murdered in 1996.
Because he and my father have both died, I am most grateful for my memories so I can still see them, hear their voices, and recall times we spent together.
Why would someone need Facebook? There are lots of ways to keep in contact, ranging from using another company (like any one of the bazillion social networking sites out there) to getting your own server to host the stuff.
The net is a nice way to keep in touch with people when you’re away, but I wouldn’t want to put all my faith in Facebook.
Anyhow, today I’m grateful that I have evidence to back up my complaints. Yes, it’s one of those kinds of days, where you find out it’s a good thing if you keep records and logs…not exactly a good day.
Who are the friends in the photo?
Interesting perspective. Hit the spot for me, I’ve been traveling nonstop for the past 4 months now,and it gets super, super lonely. At some point going to cool bars, eateries and night spots alone gets really, really old.
Twanna…thanks for this! As a mom, i’m always concerned that my 15 year old daughter doesn’t say things like “i don’t trust women” and/or “i can’t count my friends on one hand”. I have a group of girls I hang out with from time to time and it’s cool! We love and cry together and live life together… I believe women should do more of that! And, we need to stop saying WE DON’T trust one another! That’s ridiculous…as always gurl you’re on point! thanks! MK
I want to join the club if I get to hang out with Angie and Twanna, where and when are we having lunch next? :)
Twanna, I listened to your NPR segment the other day, your voice sounds absolutely delicious.
Good Luck with the Fuck Buddy’s
I think the answer is pretty clear. You need to find someone who’s your Facebook friend (other than the creepy massage guy) and make a pact to be FBF (Fuck Buddies Forever, though I just made that up). You’re in New York, so… you should spread out. Maybe pick a guy from the West Coast. Southern California, perhaps. Maybe The OC. Pick a coastal town like … Irvine.
It shouldn’t be someone you know very well, but definitely someone you’ve at least communicated with in, say… a comments section of a blog. He should be charming … maybe another writer. He might liken you to a Nia Long in some random post about interracial videos, thinking he’s “the blues in your left thigh trying to become the funk in your right”, but let’s be honest… if he lives in Cali… he’s probably a flake.
But, hey… what do I know.
you are so blessed to have such a cool posse…..
lamesabassman…… “…. one for all …. and all for one….. “
Dang…. Buddha…… those are my thoughts exactly…… you wish to be my agent…
but .. I dunno… I snore., am in the studio more than home…. got bad habits, I
drink my tea at 3….. yeah ….. very bad music pun…. Nia Long aint 2 bad….. but
after seeing FBC in those black and green teddys ….. to quote Mr.Pryor…. ” she’s
soooo fine, that I would drink her bath water….. ” I, while I do live in Cali…
to quote Nixon….. ” I am not a flake….. ” just a hellacool Aquarius…. smile… bustin’ chops between gigs…. but… it could happen…..
have cupcakes….. will travel…..
lamesabassman…… how’s 30% sound as an agent’s fee…. smile….
If you really like the person and have amazing sex/chemistry, how the hell do you keep from getting attached to your Fuck Buddy/Friend with Benefits, and not want more, especially over time?
If you really like the person and have amazing sex/chemistry, how the hell do you keep from getting attached to your Fuck Buddy/Friend with Benefits, and not want more, especially over time?
cause a wise Hollywood woman once said….. ” if it feels good…. do it…”
lamesabassman……. if you cant be with the one you love… love the one you’re
with…..
I’m about to be greatful for my trip to the Dominican republic next month.
for now i will be greatful for that little voice in the back of my head that makes me think that i want to do a bunch of beautiful brown girls for brunch….. ;)
The only fuckable one is the 2 from the left.
whose left….. awwww come on now pulllllllleeeeezzzze say somethin’
lamesabassman….. am no good at guessin’
That is an insult, they are all beautiful brown women.
Whenever we’re mentioned on your blog, I feel famous–kind of like I’m on reality t.v.! Good seeing & talking w/you FBC, even when we disagree! :-) ENwayz, Facebook is great for keeping in touch, but there’s nothing like seeing your girls in person! :-)
I’m grateful for my girl, my family, my health, the writing finally going somewhere, my sweet housing setup, the great meals I have…
Wow, these are the halcyon days of my existence.
in these days and times, Brenz, you are so blessed……
lamesabassman…….. long may you wave…..
I’ve heard of this with the whole FB thing. A lot of Native Americans are getting rejected due to their names (Man Killer).
Girl, at least you’ve got your friends…
I know exactly what you mean.
In this city of millions, its remarkably easy to be surrounded by dozens of cool people, but they may not have ascended to the level of friend/close friend–most likely due to the brutish schedules we keep (especially those of use that dabble in the media).
Nearly all of my blood brothers have either moved out of town, got married and had kids, or just havent grown up since high school. I have one truly good friend in town, but his schooling prevents us from hanging as we should.
I grew up as an only child..dont have to many qualms going to a bar/movies/eating alone. The only times when I feel then need to actually be forced into socializing is when on the odd time, usually when the weather is warm, when i just want to BS in Prospect Park, go to an outdoor concert, or street fair.
You can’t have a fuck buddy if you feel lonely cause you will be needy. That’s why guys and girls who have tons of friends always seem to be the only ones who are able to make it work.