Apr 202009


Whenever men who aren’t black ask me, “What’s it like to date a black woman?” I respond by joking, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never dated one. Ask a lesbian.” ;) For the curious among you … Voila! Finally, the wait is over: a list of DOs and DON’Ts, your  5 Tips for Picking Up Black Women:

DO make it simple. If you’ve never dated a black woman before and you’d like to ask someone out, simply say something like: “Hey, are you free on Friday? Maybe we could be grab coffee or drinks or something?” Yep, my sweeties, it’s that easy. If you still need help, watch VideoJug’s How to Ask a Woman Out on A Date.

DON’T overcompensate. Rattling off endorsements like “I’ve always luuuuuved looking at black women” or “Black women have more flava” will only make you look like an ass. On a related note, under absolutely NO circumstances should you bust out in a spontaneous freestyle rap to prove how “down” you are. [le sigh ... if I had a dollar for every time ... ]

DO be truthful. Should the topic come up, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying, “I’ve never been on a date with a black woman before because ___.” Chances are pretty good your date will respect your honesty. By the way, on a related note, don’t lie. No one likes to be led on. So, if you don’t really want to DATE a black woman but you’d just like to FUCK one, there are plenty of places and opportunities to do that. Place a Craigslist ad. Look into raceplay communities.

DO have an open mind. People are such unique and interesting creatures. We all come from different ethnicities, economic classes, educational backgrounds, religions (or not) and regions of the globe. And, of course, we’re all raised by totally different, crazy families. As a result, we each have very specific ideas about how the world works. When dating anyone, regardless of background, be prepared to brush up against ideas that may or may not run counter to your beliefs. In that case, resist the urge to think your way is automatically “right” and theirs is “different” (read: “wrong”). You might learn something new.

DO treat your date like a DATE. Duh, right? As a general rule of thumb, ask yourself: When someone goes on a date with you, who do they expect to show up? Tip: If you answered “you” instead of “your ethnicity” you’re right. I could be completely loony and totally off base with this, but I think most people want to be cherished / loved / cared for / desired / etc. for who THEY are. So, it’s kind of impossible for me to provide an exhaustive list of what works for every black woman because each of us is very different. YOUR date will have her own unique interests, likes, dislikes, values and expectations. Spend a little time getting to know her. Act like it’s a, you know, DATE. ;)

Photo credit: Image appears on Interracial Cupid

  43 Responses to “How to Date a Black Woman”

  1. so love this.
    but so wish it didnt have to be written.

  2. Agree…sad that it needs to be said, especially the last point.

  3. OMG. Can we get the ad council to film this as a PSA?

    Things I've heard and hated: “I've never been with a black woman before!” And now you never will.

    “Oh, so you're a sophisticated sista!” From a guy responding to my OKC profile, upon learning I hold an M.S. and have traveled as extensively as he has. He never got a response.

    “I really just think culturally we're too different.” From a Guyanese Indian guy who I dated just fine for a while between grad and undergrad, but who then proceeded to propose marriage weeks after meeting an Indian woman. An Indian woman from a totally different country, different region of India, different religion, and for whom he actually had to learn a new language. But *we* were too different. See your point on being truthful.

    But dude, people have rapped for you? I'm feeling a little bit left out, here. Dang.

    I would like to add, also: Do not grab your potential date's hair without asking. (Or ask off the bat if her hair is fake. It is akin to saying “Hey, nice tits. They real?”) If I had a dollar for every time some random did that, I'd be rich as Croesus.

  4. The overcompensation one really annoys me.

    “Dear White Men: you don't have to try and sway me by saying you love Biggie or Jay Z and that Bed-Stuy is one of your favorite 'hoods just because I'm from there. It's okay if Skokie, Ill. and Hootie and the Blowfish are more your speed.”

    I hate a poseur more than anything! Just be yourself, and then the female can decide if she wants to be with you or not.

    And PS- assuming I like rap and hip hop? Just rude! I mean, I do, but STILL… rude! lol

  5. Don't assume you know what I like and dislike b/c you've been with black women before and you've got us figured out!

    Great post FBC!

  6. From one sista to another: Great post, FBC!!!

  7. great post… i've been on a date with two white men. one wanted to prove how down he was the whole night. after a few days and a brief arguement about the n-word we decided to be friends. the other was a double date and he seemed to not have anything to talk about (he's the one who asked me out by the way) I don't know if he was bored lol or just nervous to be on a date with black girl.

  8. you know who,

    Why does Relationship matters what race you are? really? if you were to be blinded at birth,YOU wouldn't know any difference!

    I still remember Tamica P. who died in BJHS back in Oct 2, 1987

  9. I've only dated one white guy and with three swings, he struck out with me!

    First he gave me the line that he had never been with a black woman. (Strike One) He slipped and accidentally told me the truth and I found out that he had so he lied. (Strike Two) Then I found out he was married. (Strike Three, You're Out!!)

  10. This post could have been simply titled “How to date a woman”. Wait, you mean women with dark skin are still WOMEN?!? Wow, whoda thunk it.

    I'd love to have heard you rapping suitor, though. Word up fer shizzle.

  11. I find it so funny when guys feel the need to ask about different a different race. I usually tell them if they have to ask they shouldn't bother haha. I've dated a lot of different races, but mostly white guys and I've rarely had issues with…misunderstandings…However, the men I've dated I've met in places I worked, went to school, went out at night, through friends. If you're interested in someone because they're attractive and into the same things as you than there's no problem dating them. If you're after them just because you're hunting for a skin color, well like I said before…don't bother :-)

  12. I especially liked the one about knowing the difference between dating and trying to sex a woman. That should be a rule for ALL men but we know it's up to us to discern who's sincere and who's sincerely a throwaway guy.

  13. hehe, sorry to put you out there… thanks!

    Ugh, please dont walk up to me and all of a sudden have a 'twang' in your voice and say “wassup gurl”… you dont do that to everyone else…and I dont speak that way either.

    Be yourself.

  14. so….. you winter in Long Beach….. eh, Mr. D…..

    lamesabassman…… word to the feather….

  15. gee…. who'da thunk it…… did'nt know one needed a primer on the subject….
    Bklyn has been cool like that….. for days…. some parts of Queens….. and The Bronx…… mellow…. just be yourself and chill….. and no wise cracks….
    either the sistahs will dig you….. or you'll sleep with the fishes…. no half steppin'
    be real and you might see home plate from the outfield…..

    lamesabassman….. and bring flowers…. real ones,guys….

  16. to all the white men i've dated.

    please do not assume that since i'm a black woman i HAVE to be in charge! i like manly men (in all shades!).

    please do not be surprised that i don't walk around calling everything racists and hating “the man”.

    please don't think that it's your job to “save me”. and to one particular white man in general “when i asked that capers be left out of my pasta, it wasn't because i'd never tried capers, it's because i HAVE tried capers and i don't like them. i've had the same jar of capers in my fridge since 2005!”

    please don't introduce me to your friends/family if you know they will disapprove. not unless we're serious, at which point you've got a decision to make. dating me is not your chance to rebel against your family or make a social statement.

  17. or ….. not to be treated like a science project

    lamesabassman……. or a flavor of the week…..

  18. Uh, well, I've *been* to Long Beach once. I was getting off a container ship.

    One other thing: I'd really like to know, once and for all, just what in the fucking hell “word up” means. (I don't even care anymore about that whole “shizzle” thing, though.)

  19. Well I learn something new everyday…raceplay?!

    And craigslist is usually Anything but Black. O.o

  20. Twanna, thank you so much for this blog! Might I add this one, don’t automatically start talking about getting under the sheets, and how nice our skin complexions would look on top of each other (I got those exact words from a guy on Match.com). In fact, don’t approach Black women as an experiment for yourself or something you can check off from your “100 Top Things to do Before I Die list”.

    Is it wishful thinking that all women should be approached in this manner, no matter what their race is? Just be respectful, and everything will work out well.

  21. great article..i have nothing else to add….

  22. That was well worth the wait. Thanks for finally putting it up. Now I have something to refer my white guy friends to, although I KNOW what they’re intentions are, and it has lots to do with getting brown skin women in the sack. Men and their sex….

  23. well, Mr.D ….. on that topic…. am lost for words….. guess it means” come correct” or we cant dance….. gee,Mr.D, I’m from Bklyn and never knew….there
    can be just so many ways you can put a swerve on a word… then it morphs to
    another level ’til we kinda Twitter what Man has carefully built and molded since
    he belched his first word…… the fine art of Talking……

    lamesabassman……. word to the feather…..

  24. Very well written article! Wow… I must admit that I am completely amazed that this article had to be written. Being a white male I would assume that treating a woman like a woman, with respect, would be common sense for a date with any woman regardless of her race. I have personally had long term relationships with women of many races and one thing holds true a woman is a woman, treat her with dignity, respect, honesty, and politeness.

    The woman who holds my heart happens to be black, I didn’t fall in love with her because of the color of her skin, I fell in love with her heart, her soul and the way she lights up my heart.

    Come on guys lets use our heads here…. treat the ladies right! Oh and have some damn manners…… didn’t your Mother’s teach you to hold the door, take the check (unless its her treat), help her with her coat, hold the umbrella, say please and thank you! Quit acting like a bunch of boys and act like men!

  25. I am always interested in learning how others have dealt with this issue. I currently have a beautiful black girlfriend. It was love at first site for both and it was not my first experience with dating a black female but it was her first at dating a white male. I don’t think she was really ready for it but as we learned about each other it just happened. Open and honest communication, question and answer, grow and bond. Like two people do regardless of other factors, like skin or age. It’s been 1 n 1/2 years and we still are moving forward. So I guess my advice is be your self, try and discover the differences and those things that are the same, and with this you will have much to talk and grow with. Black women and White men are the same as any other couple they want love, kindness and a bond of honesty n commitment. Funny story is early on in our relationship the topic of slavery came up and after about an hour of taking my girlfriend said “I would have never thought I would ever in my life discuss this issue with a white guy, let alone a white guy who was my boyfriend.” We have come along way America. She tells me most everyday that the best of her life was the day we first met. I must agree!

  26. Another tip- Black people from the suburbs are not “whiter” than you are…. =[

  27. I have dated only black women for many years and have found out that love has no color.   My first true to whom I was to marry was my soulmate and we just loved to be together.  So everyone, if u do not want to be together for love and friendship, just do not date for any other reason!!  White, Black..are we not just men and women!!

  28. [...] City, maybe. She’s always got something on her plate, from heavy-duty writing workshops to interracial dating. There’s the flavor of an active metropolitan lifestyle. Twanna’s not writing for the [...]

  29. This is so stupid for anyone i mean to be honest why does it matter what color, race, religious background you follow as for me i dont care though it brings up a question for me why is it being a red head and white seem like and makes women of any color believe that i find them inferior or just objects becuase that is a lie from society and i hate being looked at and having people go “he is just an asshole” when i am not i am very caring, thoughtful, loving, and i respect women and treat as a tresure of this earth they are more precious the diamonds and i cant understand why its hard for women to believe of me when i say this seeing as ive never tried or plan on just having a woman in bed thats not how i am i want a real relationship were the man and woman both support each others decisions and ideals and build trust im not a man that would boss my girlfriend or wife around its not right. you women of this world have voices and opions that mean just as much as men i listen to them and respect them as they should be

  30. Twanna–Thanks for this article. I think there are so many misconceptions that people have of what it is like to date a black woman or any other woman of color.  Yes, we’re all individuals but too often people assume certain things about women of a certain race. It always annoys me when people ask me would I ever date someone who is white. Of course my answer is YES but why is is that they automatically assume  that wouldn’t. The better question might be would a white guy consider dating me. I think we are starting to see more evidence that they would which is an encouraging sign for black women. Hopefully, your post will give white men and black women more liberty to approach each other in the dating game. Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Currently, I am blogging about women of color, relationships, dating, love and romance and I would love to get your feedback. Could you please check out my blog site at http://smelodydiva.wordpress.com. I look forward to hearing from you.–Afua

  31. lol, why would anyone need a guide to date a specific race hahah, just supports the idea of races being certain ways i.e racism.  just treat them like any other girl you wish to date because thats what they are. im white, my GF is a beautiful dark brown ebony goddess and im going to marry her and we gonna be happy in spite of all the dissaproval from her family

  32. I have dated black women for some time now, and about three years ago I met my soulmate online and we were married a year ago. Our relationship does not have any problems, but our cultural differences are creating an issue. I am from NC and she is from NY. She is in her late forties and I am in early fifties. We truly love each other get along great. We have no problem going anywhere we desire and do not have problems when others stare (that is their problem). Our only problem is she has a large house in the city and I have a moderate house in the subburbs and we can’t get this issue worked out, as of yet. My comment is that I married the WOMAN I love and she just happened to be black. Life is too short not to follow the desires of your heart.

  33. I am a Black highschool girl and actually more than one of my white guy friends have busted out in a rap to try and impress me but oddly enough, my favorite genre isn’t rap [It was almost comical how shocked he was =)  ] I love every form of music that includes TI, Eminem and Beyonce but I love Three Days Grace, Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, Owl City, David Hayes, My Chemical Romance… .I hate to say that some guys of other races do need a guide (my best friend from Asia is by no means included in that, he’s an absolute sweetheart  <3  ) but a list of don’ts is very necessary for the other ones.  I don’t know if its because of nerves or what but this guy is extremely sweet but maybe it’s just a matter of putting his foot in his mouth.

  34. as a white male who has been married to a beautiful, unique, and strong, black woman for over 28 years;
    I would like to suggest that all people foget the hell about race and just see each person as individuals.
    Do you have common interests?  Common values?
    The fact is that (sadly), that a majority of men in this day and age, choose to be selfish in one way or another.  Now it seems that women are trying to play catch up.
    The most powerful person in the world is a black man ( Pres. Obama)
    The second most powerful person in the world is a black woman ( Oprah)
    Can we just please celebrate that this is the beginning of an opportunity to just see people as people?
    What we need is grown men of all races to teach their young men to respect women of all races.
    Let the combined wisdom of all cultures and both sexes work together to make this world what it can possibly be.
    Sorry for the intrusion.

  35. Swm in greenville looking for a nice thin to med built black woman to date for love and companionship! Age open from 31 to 61, prefer nice brest! I’m looking for a good loveing woman!

  36. Swm looking for a nice black woman to have a romantic relationship with. Age not important, as long as you have a nice bubble butt. Email me back if interested.

  37. Just met the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent & sexy woman at work. I’ve had a rule not to date or get involved with co-workers and for 8yrs I’ve been true to my own rule. Except for this girl that for some reason I’m so attracted to her, and it’s just not her looks “Which are amazing”. She’s caring , down to earth and has a good idea of what she wants out of her life. Went on a pre-date last night after work and we talked and I’ve haven’t felt so comfortable with someone in a long time. Hope things work out for both of us. Wish me luck ! By the way I’m a hispanic male and she a beautiful vision !

    • Update : Well today was our first official date. Took her to the shooting range since she’s never shot a gun before. She looked “Amazing” and shooting a gun made that much more sexier ! She had a great time and I was glad to be part of it. Went to a nice Pizzeria place afterwards and we had lunch. I simply was in awe by her beauty and the way she carries herself. She’s an amazing woman & I’m thankful and blessed to have spent time with her.

  38. Men are confused about Black women and they should be. Since the recession, the middle class/professional Black woman has decreased (actually the ENTIRE middle class has shrunk) and the low-income Black women have greatly increased.

    Low-income Black women have much lower standards for how they allow themselves to be treated and what they expect from a man. Since there are so many of them (they outnumber all other segments of the Black population), they are almost the FACE of Black women today. Men are confused because low-income Black women accept A LOT and men think middle-class Black women will accept the same.

    And for the men who are Black and trying to date a Black woman…..

    I’ve dealt with gainfully employed Black men who consistently dated low-income Black women and I really had to walk away because the RE-TRAINING curve was just too big. I didn’t have time to re-educate them on how to treat a lady. Once they get used to SAYING anything to you, it’s hard to get them to turn back.

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