Is It Okay to Snoop on Your Dates?
This week is going to be a little insane — – socializing, working on financial stuff, dating, looking at apartments, editing my book, a couple Tribeca Film Festival events, etc. It’s my own fault. I’m horrible at compartmentalizing my life, and I easily overwhelm. When that happens, I withdraw — the rationale being, “I have so much stuff to do that I don’t even know where to start, so I’m not going to do anything.” The result? I get even more overwhelmed because I have even more to do. And, not to mention, I feel like I’m letting other people down. More about that later. For now, I’ll just tell you about a guy.
A month or so ago, I meet a Polish dude who says he was a doctor. We go on a few dates. I haven’t written about him before because, during one of our early conversations, he told me he reads this site because he searched for my name online. When you google Twanna A. Hines, either Funky Brown Chick or my writing portfolio (TwannaHines.com) is usually the first hit.
“Why don’t you like to kiss on the mouth?” The Polish doctor asks me.
“What are you talking about?” I’m confused because, of course, I LOVE kissing on the mouth. And on the neck. And on the torso. And below the belly button …
“I saw one of your interviews and you said you don’t like to kiss on the mouth.”
“What are you talking about?!?!?!? I would never say that.”
“I saw you say it. You were talking with a British girl, and you said you don’t like to kiss on the mouth!”
“Ohhhhhh!” Slow on the uptake. [Remembers he's ESL and doesn't know American expressions. Talks slower.] “You mean the interview with Zoe?! I soooo didn’t say I didn’t like KISSING. I said I don’t like PISSING in the mouth; I said I won’t let a man piss in my throat.”
So, now the Polish dude seems disgusted that I even talk about these things. Whatever. Life’s too short and I sooo can’t worry about what some random guy thinks about what OTHERS say. Anyway. Different, albeit it related, topic: Using the internet to snoop about your dates. I freely admit I’m a paranoid freakshow who assumes most Manhattan men I don’t know very well are willing to lie about damn near anything (their jobs, criminal backgrounds, marital status, etc.) to get a bit of ass. So, of course, I google the Polish dude, right? Guess what happens? Nothing comes up. Seriously. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Rien. Creepy, right?
“How do you you live your life as a doctor and go to conferences and stuff,” I ask a friend and her boyfriend, “without showing up online anywhere? Like, ANYWHERE?”
“Dude,” my friend’s boyfriend responds, “how to do you live your life PERIOD without showing up online somewhere? That’s weird.”
Good point. So, I start snooping. I go to the New York State site that verifies all regulated professions to check if the Polish guy is really a doctor. Guess what? His name doesn’t come up. Unfortunately, I don’t have a chance to ask the guy about it because: (1) I stopped calling him and he hasn’t called me since and (2) it would’ve been weird to say, “So, yeah, um, WTF? I was stalking you online the other day and I couldn’t verify your credentials. What’s going on?” So, here’s a question for you: Is it okay to snoop on your dates, boyfriends, lovers or others with whom you share the covers? And, if so, would you confront them if the info you found didn’t match up with the stories they’ve told you?”
April 28th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I’ve been googling myself since college and to this day I still never come up. Apparently there’s a famous German doctor with my name though. Sometimes I feel like a huge loser because Google finds me insignificant, but I always tell myself that in my real life it doesn’t matter. After reading this though I have to wonder how many dates I lost because a guy can’t search for me on Twitter…
April 28th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
This is awesome because now he’s going to check this site and find out that you’ve been online stalking him. Maybe he’ll confirm his credentials in the comments section? Let’s hope so.
But really, I don’t see what’s so bad about it. I google everyone — and I mean everyone — that I meet, regardless of if it’s a date or some random person I just met. I’m curious by nature.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
On one hand, I think it is of course nice to know if someone is generally truthful before you get involved with her/him. Plus, in the early stages of a relationship it’s natural to want to find out as much about a person as possible just because you enjoy reading anything you can about her/him.
On the other hand, I think there are often mundane explanations for things which may at first glance appear sinister. The internet has made so much information available that it’s possible for a few coincidences to look like evidence. Multiple people with the same name may confuse matters. It’s also very easy for someone with malicious intent to manipulate a person’s image in a negative way online. So let’s look at the things you pointed out.
To begin with, the fact that you could not find him online. He might prefer to use an alias which he doesn’t link to his real name (simply because he prefers to compartmentalize his life). He may value his privacy, and avoid posting on public forums. The name he gave you may have been an Americanized version of his real name, which is the one he posts under. Similarly, your search might be limited to English results.
Next let’s consider the doctor bit. Are you certain that the professional listing is both mandatory and up-to-date? Could he be an intern or medical student, but unable to express this distinction because of his language skills (or maybe just slightly inflating his credentials)? Could he have a PhD in another field, and be taking the title of ‘Dr.’ from that, again due to language skills? It’s also possible that he’s a doctor in Poland but not the US–a friend of mine who moved to the Netherlands didn’t stop identifying herself as a dentist during the five years it took her to earn Dutch certification; she’d been a dentist in her native country.
So I would be careful about confronting someone about an apparent incongruity between what s/he said and what you have discovered. Asking more questions in a neutral way about the areas of concern might be one way to do it. For example: “What hospital do you work at?”
April 28th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
A couple of things:
1) You’re looking for an apartment? Oooh, moving, fun!
2) Kissing, pissing, whatever.
3) Yes, of COURSE it’s OK to Google a date. Hell, it should be expected behavior by now. But in order to make this effective you have to be sure to date people with interesting names. If you go out with James Johnson, you can expect to be too busy digging through the 18 bazillion Google hits to ever find time to actually go on a date with him. Best stick to guys with names like Randolph Schwartzengrubenflurber.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I fell out of my chair reading this “Oh I like kissing on the mouth I just don’t like pissing in the mouth”
Doesn’t mean he isn’t Doctor if you can’t verify him through NY boards. I married a foreign doctor and it took years for him to go through the USMLE System to get his certification, then he had to redo a residency program (even though he had 8 years experience)in this country and then through a state boards.
Maybe you can check through USMLE. At least you would be sure he going through our process
April 28th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
BTW I think it’s ok to snoop your dates
April 28th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Great timing–just wrote about this very topic for Marie Claire (http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/tips/google-stalking-date)! In my opinion, it’s not only OK to Google your dates, but it’s expected and totally acceptable. I do it to everyone I date and assume they’re doing the same–and your friend’s boyfriend has a good point. I definitely raise an eyebrow if I can’t find ANY trace of him on Google.
Also, LOL at that kissing/pissing exchange!
April 28th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I have gone back and forth with the idea of internet snooping. I understand a person’s desire to verify another’s bonafides. However, you cannot trust everything you read online either. Personally, I feel violated just thinking about it. I had a friend call and leave me a message that said, “I know your birthday is around this time if I missed it Happy Belated Birthday and if not Happy Birthday.” We finally caught up yesterday and I let her know that I got her message, she says, “yeah I could not remember if your birthday was Saturday or Monday, so I went online to find that it was Sunday.” Even though she got the right date, she still stuck with her message left on my voicemail days before. I said to myself, “yeah thanks for making me feel violated!”
April 28th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Hell to the Yea! Girl, Goggle those folk. As you can see he did it to you. And he probably doesn’t have any credentials to speak of – not medical anyway. Or, maybe he meant he was a phd -or not.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I hate the fact that my name is ridiculously Google-able. I couldn’t lie about myself if I tried. That said, I think doing a simple search is fine- better safe than sorry.
April 28th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
whoa….. yeah, if the gut starts to talk…… better listen
lamesabassman……. kinda reminds one of Robert Palmer’s songs… ” Looking for clues….”
April 29th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I internet snoop of course! It makes me feel like they can be held accountable if I do find the facebook page, twitter, email on a site etc. It’s like they aren’t 1. married and hiding with this secret account 2. want me to know their main email = trust worthy but then again I want to find that stripper site where they posted their email as well. Lord.
I search for the good and the bad… if nothing pops up then… I work out a plan B.
Okay, if what they are saying doesn’t match up with what I heard… then they are not likely to hear back from me (if it is something serious most likely = work lie, relationship lie etc). If this person is confused about their life then I’ll leave them to figure it out on their own. People are too insane to do anything else (in my p.o.v.)
April 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I google just about everybody( including screen names and email address ) just for shits and giggles.
April 29th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
and…. dkzone…… are you surprised at what you find….
lamesabassman…… me 2…..
April 29th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
depends on the person. I found one chick I dated in a lesbians chatroom. a news article about another friend who used to play HS softball.
I tend not to keep in touch. So this allows me to take a tiny peek in on people.
=)
April 29th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I dunno if it’s okay to google a date or not, but it’s okay by me if someone tries it on me.
It’s certainly okay in your case because he googled you first.