I updated my iPod again recently. Music always reminds me of random things and people. Many many years ago, I was in love with a French guy. You probably know the story because, maybe, you’ve had a similar situation … I thought he was ridiculously handsome, smart and genuinely a really funny guy. We’d been going on dates for several months, but we weren’t exclusive. I didn’t want to see anyone else, but I knew he did. So, I pretended it was okay. Of course that didn’t work. Sitting across dinner tables with different dudes only reminded me how much I’d rather be with the French guy. So, Le Frenchie (because he was a smart little thing) started to figure it out: I liked him much more than he liked me. Eventually, he granted me the greatest kindest he could ever give anyone in that predicament: he ended things. It hurt like hell, but I’d rather be sad that we weren’t dating than pissed because he’d strung me along. Months passed. I got over him … in so much as anyone’s ever truly “over” unrequited love.
Two summers ago, I attended the New York premiere of Dans Paris at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. (Or, “BAM” as us locals call it.) There’s a song in it that reminds me of him and every other guy who hasn’t liked me as much as I liked them or vice versa. If you’re not into snotty French New Wave cinema and/or really slow-moving independent films, you’ll hate Dans Paris. If you like that stuff, it’s worth renting it on Netflix. The song starts during this sappy scene where two lovers realize their relationship is over. The guy is depressed, suicidal and bearded. He hasn’t shaved in weeks. Having just finished crying, the woman (his ex) is getting ready for bed. Alone. He calls her from his apartment and they sing this really beautiful tune back and forward to each other. The song, “Avant la haine” (“Before the Hatred”), is in French but the gist of it is: I’ve got a really good idea … let’s “avoid the unbearable” and get out of this while the gettin’ is still good. Before we hate each other. Before we’re screaming and shouting about how much we can’t stand each other. “Before the sorrow and the disgust. Let’s break up now, please.” It’s really beautiful. It reminds me of the Frenchman and other relationships when I’ve stumbled into that sad, lonely moment where my partner and I were both fully aware that we liked each other; yet, for whatever reason, we also knew it wasn’t going to work. Breakups are rarely easy. The decision to get out is rarely black and white. And, NOT hating someone doesn’t make it any easier to break up with them or have them break up with you. Video below. Lyrics in English and French follow.
| Lui : Sais-tu ma belle que les amours Les plus brillantes ternissent Le sale soleil du jour le jour Les soumet au supliceJ’ai une idée inattaquable Pour éviter l’insupportable Avant la haine, avant les coups Elle : Tu croyais pouvoir t’en sortir, Avant la haine, avant les coups Lui : Lui : Elle : Ensemble : |
He: Did you know my darling The most brilliant loves tarnish The day’s dirty sun in the day Subjects them to tormentI have an irrefutable idea To avoid the unbearable Before the hatred, before the blows She: You thought you’d be able to Before the hatred, before the blows He: He: She: Together: |
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Breaking up sucks…there’s no two ways about it.
But I think there’s a kind of nobility in breaking up with someone so that they may find the right person. Otherwise, you’re just “shoplifting the pootie”
I’ve looked into the eyes of women and basicaly told them ” It’s time to go, I don’t want to be that person that uses you. ” On more than one occassion, I got the ” It’s ok…..use me… Really I don’t mind. ” And while that may have been true from their standpoint. I minded.
Now I’ll be real, there may have been some goodbye sex…….booty is a helluva drug.
But in the end I think I’ve made the right decisions.
Sometimes I wish for the bad ending at least you knew why it had to dissipate. I think it’s harder the other way…I got emotional watching the video NOT because of the situation but I know I bad those two must have felt while singing the song to each other. I think it hurts worse.
It definitely hurts worse. So easy to walk away when there’s good reason to (cheating, abuse, falling out of love). What do you do, though, when you love them… but you’re almost positive that it won’t work? Do you stay, give it a chance, and see it through? Do you walk away, knowing they’ll find someone better for them… even though it kills you? Yeah… I agree. I think it hurts much worse when the reason isn’t black/white.
who wants to be the first to say goodbye…….. Dang…. that’s a serious move…. just how deep the thoughts of what was and what will never be .. don’t you really go for the moments..
or does that person really curl your toes… or are they filling a want.. not a need nor desire..
a want…. you know going in just how long this gig ‘s gonna last …. if the perp’s a keeper…
or a sleeper…. and … just how deep is the itch….. when the Dawn comes … may common
sense arise with it…. just how you wish to be… and with whom…. ’cause you do know the first thing you see in the morning is … yourself….. just how do you wish to remember your
odd night out….. does lightening strike twice….. or…. will you wonder what was on your mind
when you walked down this street…. or did it feel good or did it leave you…. wanting….
lamesabassman…… just a thought….
P.S. … ma petit….. what does’nt kill you…. makes you stronger….. you tell us what gets you thru the the nite….. but when the lights go down low….. you still got company….
and that’s hellcool ’cause you have been there… and you do know which way is up….
so,since you do give you’re all .. they seem to be dropping the ball…. it ain’t you… it’s
them and their mind set….. at times … we are all one… some know you and attempt to
bypass your inner self … which is always on point…. and this you see …. hello… so if they
can’t hang…. it’s on them …. and it ain’t on you…. by just standing still and taking a good look at you…. those boyo’s in question would see what’s in front of them already….
lamesabassman…… and if they don’t….. it’s their loss…. don’t dwell…. it’s usually messy..
dkzone: Sounds like you made the right decision. Even if the woman said it was okay to use her, she would’ve resented you if you did.
Cynthia: One of my most serious relationships ever had a very anti-climatic ending. It was kind of like. Oh, okay, so it’s really not going to work is it? It’s really over? It was kind of sad.
lamesabassman: It’s almost always messy.
Interesting story you got there…however I think in the movie Dans Paris the song is meant to be that there is no need to break up yet, because “mais je t’embrasse, et ca passe…on ne se debarasse pas de moi comme ca”
Thanks for sarinhg. Always good to find a real expert.
Pretty song. I’ve seen him before… some French movie with Johnny Depp’s wife.
HEARTBREAKER!! :)
That’s the one! :)
:)