Men’s Minds: What’s the Difference Between a Flirt and a Cocktease?
It’s the top of the week and, as usual, Mondays are “manly” here at Funky Brown Chick where the day kicks off with a tribute to a particular guy, mantrend or other male-related topic. Today, we’re going to look at the minds of men. Matt Hutson has an article in the May/June issue of Psychology Today called “Romantic Road Signs: Studies identify what cues people use to judge a lady’s sexual openness.” I was going to write about it sooner, but I’d tucked the piece into a deep crevice in my brain and it didn’t reappear until last weekend. After The Webutante Ball, Rachel, Nichelle, Sherri, Lauren and I went to 212 Bar and got into a goofy conversation about “sexual teasing” — i.e. giving off clues that you’re sexually open when you’re not. To be clear, I fully admit I’m a flirt. I flirt with men, women, friends, lovers, waiters, puppy dogs and almost any other living thing on the planet. And, of course, I like kissing boys. Who doesn’t like to be showered with attention, be made to feel attractive and be the objection of affection? Men like that. Women like that. Everyone does, no? So, if I see a guy who’s cute and sweet, I’ll flirt with him. It puts a smile on his face and it makes him feel good. But, that doesn’t mean I want to fuck the guy or that I expect him to sleep with me. In my mind, we’re just having light and charming fun. Perhaps, men see it differently? And, I think that was the topic of my (possible) disagreement with the girls the other night.
ME: “I get called a tease quite often.”
The Girls: [chiming] “We’re not surprised.”
I don’t think smiling, blowing kisses, touching someone’s thigh under the table or any other actions from the flirting toolbox connote: I am going to have sex with you. So, how do you let a guy know that you ARE interested in having sex? In short, here’s what I think my girlfriends sitting around the table at the bar thought: Be smart. If you go back to a guy’s place alone, please know that he’ll think you want to sleep with him. So, if you don’t want to have sex, don’t go back to his place. We don’t want you to get hurt. I disagreed … or, maybe I agreed and we were just saying the exact same thing using different words.
I think I SHOULD be able to flirt with a guy and, possibly, even go back to his place without him: (1) raping me or (2) thinking I’m a cocktease* if I don’t fuck him. BUT, because I feel like I live in a world where the power (burden?) of flipping the yes/no sex switch often seems to fall squarely on women’s shoulders, I usually don’t go back to a date’s place alone unless I’m almost positive I’d have sex with him. Does that make me a tease? I say no. Or, to paraphrase what one of my readers, Raymond, said the last time I wrote about this topic: Flirting doesn’t make you a tease. If you give a guy a snack, it doesn’t automatically mean he gets the run of the kitchen. My thoughts exactly. What say you? How would you define “a flirt” vs. “a cocktease“? (SIDENOTE: By the way, for the record, I hate that word cocktease because it’s sooooo sex negative / loaded — and, not to mention, men are rarely if ever called a vag tease when they flirt.)
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Image by Sanja Gjenero
June 8th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I’m not trying to come off as “Joe Ladykiller” or anything but I’ve always found that the guys who cry “tease” with the most passion, are the ones that had a hard time getting women. They seem to think that even a smile means “she wants me!” – - something I grew out of in, oh, 6th grade.
There are some genuine teases, of course, but I think anyone with a working BS-detector can spot em. They aren’t exactly the queens of subtlety.
As for the difference, flirting is more innocent, i’d say. Telling someone “I bet you fuck like a gibbon” while you let them rub oil on your back may be crossing the line (if you aren’t really interested, that is). But it’s all a case by case, and some distinctions arent so clear.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:00 am
going home with someone doesn’t necesarily mean a ” greenlight” on the boulevard de coitus.
I will admit that its one step closer to sealing the ” deal”, that is if that’s my aim. But it may not necesarily be what I’m looking for. Maybe I want her to try a dessert wine that I have sitting on my shelf, or maybe just a more quiet place to talk.
I flirt alot….sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it. I do however enjoy it. both giving and receiving. Putting a smile on a complete strangers face is …well…..like eating the perfect brownie on a sunny day when everything goes right. It just feels heavenly.
And I have been accused of being a tease. I was once invited back to a young lady’s apartment, from the bar. We started making out. She stops abruptly, and proceeds to tell me ” we are not having sex!” I say ok and give her my word that no matter what happens I will not have sex with her. Fast forward an hour, bras off, pants off…panties are “moist”….I tell her it’s getting late, and I need to get home. She gets upset because I won’t have sex with her….now that she ” definately” wants to. I gave my word and rolled out. Now that’s not saying I didn’t want to dive in. I really did. But I didn’t. Things were not the same afterward….LOL
But back to flirting…..
For some reason most of the security at my building are female. One of which I flirt with daily, she’s a beautiful Dominican woman with cocoa brown skin, hips, lips and all the good stuff. It almost makes it worthwhile coming to work. LOL
June 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
This is a great topic! One which I can speak volumes on, I should add. I don’t see anything wrong with flirting even if you are in a relationship. Flirting is not only fun but I personally think its one of those personality traits that wins people over and can help you get what you want in many situations. I prefer to call it my feminine charm. My mom always said you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar so I don’t see anything wrong with being a little flirtatious with the waiter at the restaurant or the bartender or the Arab/Spanish guy at your bodega or even over the phone with the customer service guy. Most of the time it has nothing to do with sex – you’re just being friendly or you’re just trying to get the hook up, so shit, why not?
Now on to going back to a guys place. I feel that as a modern and secure strong woman if I want to go back to a guys place, hell, I’m gonna do it. If he assumes that means I want to have sex with him, that’s his fault and he’s setting himself up to get played. I have no problem shutting that down immediately and getting up and leaving. Its all about your body language. Now if you go back to a guys house who you’re not 100% sure that you want to have sex with – yet you’re being all EXTRA flirty and sitting all cuddled up with him and letting him massage your feet while you give him the “bedroom eyes” or end up making out with him, do expect that he will try to take it a step further. That’s just what men are hardwired to do when they are given an opportunity. VERY few guys will just stop at the kissing and say “I really respect you and I don’t want to force anything on you.” (However some guys WILL do this to trick you into believing they’re this nice sensitive guy so the next time you’re alone together, he’s basically guaranteed to get some – a guy actually told me this).
However if you go to a guys house (or invite him to yours) and just keep it very professional and light (and brief!) and you don’t get too comfy (or drunk) and make it very clear through your body language that you’re not there for any shenanigans, a guy (at least a smart one) will pick up on that. So as soon as they say “why are you sitting all the way over there, come closer” or “I just want to cuddle/hold you” or “do you want a massage” that means they’re moving in for the kill. That’s your cue to either a) start making your exit or b) stay and get groped and then be labeled a cocktease when you act all surprised and insulted he tried to make a move on you. On the other hand, if you’ve already made up your mind before you get to his place that you don’t care if this guys calls you tomorrow or ever again, then go for it!!
Its all very simple once you realize how men think. Sex doesn’t just happen and one thing only leads to another if you allow it to because you always have a choice. Because the moment I don’t feel comfortable anymore, I’m out of there plain and simple. Call me a cocktease or whatever you want, I don’t owe a man sex or anything else for that matter just because I flirted with him or he bought me dinner or was nice to me. Its my body I’ll do whatever the fuck I want and if you don’t like it, fuck off!!
I think the real problem is this arrogance and sense of entitlement with men that leads them to feel you owe them your body just because they spent some money on you or bought you something. Bottom line, if he’s worth it, he’ll wait and be respectful of your comfort level and when you’re ready. Remember, its YOUR body, you don’t owe them a damn thing, fuck how they feel!!
PS – I’m not a feminist or a lesbian or anything of the sort. Just been in this situation a million times and gave in because I didn’t want to be considered a “cocktease”
June 8th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
The line between flirting and teasing is mostly in the eye of the flirtee/teasee. I don’t know you. I have never met you. I only know what you write, and judging your behavior based on that would be akin to sitting on a jury only during the defense arguments without listening to the prosecution at all. Bottom line, if you “get called a tease quite often”, and moreso if your friends say they are not surprised, there’s a good chance you are a tease. Knowing what you look like, I can say definitively that guys you meet are going to WANT to have sex with you, and given that, they will be prone to read more into your bahvior than you intend. Bearing that in mind, it’s still flirting if it’s all talk and blowing kisses, but the more touchy-touchy you throw in there, the more chance that your flirting will be misconstrued as “let’s go big boy”. Going home with someone is not a guarantee of some hot hubba-hubba (there’s no guarantee until she says “Do it NOW!”), but it certainly is beyond flirting.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Lately, you’re writing about these topics that I have thought about A LOT. This one is the flip side of a topic that I’ve been thinking about almost constantly for the last few months.
We live in a society that encourages the somewhat natural inclination of men to want to pursue or chase the people they are interested in. Because of this, it can be beneficial to be a woman who is good at being chased.
Flirting (or teasing – I think they’re the actions are the same, it’s merely the perception that differs) is part of that chase. Women who are good flirts, get and maintain men’s attention and can then decide what they want to do with that attention.
Basically, men like the play the chasing game, and flirting is part of that game.
If you accept that is the game and all players involved know where they want the game to go – then all is good.
The problem with the game is when different players want different things, or when one party isn’t good at playing the game, or when someone tires of the game.
Basically, if a man is playing the game and enjoying himself, then the woman is a flirt and that’s good. If the game goes on too long, or the game doesn’t eventually reach the resolution the man was hoping or (sex) then the woman suddenly becomes a tease.
Women who refuse to play the game – are either sluts or frigid.
It’s all about men’s perceptions. And that’s my problem with the game.
I don’t like games. Flirting is fine I suppose, but I’m not particularly fond of it, the same way I’m not particularly fond of window shopping. If I want something (or someone), I want it and if I don’t want something, I can’t be bothered. I’m not going to flirt with a man I don’t want to sleep with. And I’m only going to flirt so long with one I want to before we need to stop playing and start getting real. And I don’t like be chased. If I want you, then you shouldn’t have to chase me. And if I don’t want you, I sure as hell don’t want you to chase me. Ewwww!
But the problem is (for me at least) that we live in a society that encourages men to chase and encourages women to be chased. So men ALWAYS think that a no can be turned into a yes. They just have to figure out the right approach. Too many men have been playing the game for so long, they really don’t know what to do if someone won’t play or if someone has a different end game in mind.
So, yeah, you’re entitled to flirt as much as you like. But keep in mind that the man you’re flirting with quite likely expects that eventually you will end up in bed. The flirting is all part of the chase for him and if he’s chasing you – he expects that eventually you will get caught.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
wellll….. to get to the heart of this matter ….. some days, you’re the bug…. some days,
you’re the windshield….. all we are doing is expressing one’s self to others to let one and all
to know that we are still alive….. and normal…. and mingling is Life Itself…. so we taste
as we go….. we may linger here and there… from checking a V.P.L. to marveling the many
ways fabric can mold things… we do what we do.. and as we do not hurt a living soul while
on our quest for desire…..
lamesabassman….. nothing ventured , nothing gained…..
June 9th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Jeffrey: Well, hello Joe Ladykiller! ;) By the way, would you think less of me if I told you I had to google “Gibbon.” You would? Okay, well, pretend I didn’t say that.
dkzone: Seeee, you get it!!!! “Putting a smile on a complete strangers face is …well…..like eating the perfect brownie on a sunny day when everything goes right. It just feels heavenly.“ [bats eyelashes] I knew there was a reason I liked you. ;)
@thepopculturist: I’ve heard the “catch more flies” saying, too, and I try to live by it. And, you’re right: a little charm goes a long way. It’s usually much easier and productive to be kind than it is to be an asshole. By the way, you mentioned “VERY few guys will just stop at the kissing and say “I really respect you and I don’t want to force anything on you.” I can honestly say each guy I’ve slept with has usually said something like this on the first time; they usually go out of their way to be sure they have the green light.
Baba Doodlius: I totally got stuck on the part where you said “guys you meet are going to WANT to have sex with you.” If only I knew more who actually wanted to date me. :) I could get laid any night of the week ( … I’m not special, I’d venture to say it’s the case for most women … ) but it’s much harder to find a quality person to date. If I knew as many men who wanted to DATE me as SLEEP WITH me, I’d be a lucky woman. That reminds me; I soooo need to post an update about my JDate stuff.
fatlady: Whenever I see your comment, I always feel like it’s going to be the last word on my posts. I think: “She’s singing, she’s singing!!!” ;) Funny you mention flirting and teasing are one of the same. It’s the similar for men? What’s the difference between harassment and flirting? Hot guys flirt, men you’re not attracted to harass/annoy. By the way, your anti-flirt / cut the bullshit approach TOTALLY sounds like my friends Mags and Bro. They both say they feel like they’re being playing with and/or led on when others flirt with them with no intention. Completely unrelated but, if you’re not into guys who “ALWAYS think that a no can be turned into a yes” sooooo stay aways from dudes who work in sales. They’re the worst.
lamesabassman: Indeed. Everyone is expressing themselves in one way or another; the trick is to be sure you’re understood and that you understand others — in dating and in life in general, no?
June 9th, 2009 at 4:25 am
PS: That’s a rhetorical question. :)
June 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Maybe I’m just more blunt than others.
I do feel that some women enjoy the act of rejecting men more than sex. Those women are the cock teasers. They do everything to imply that your going to have sex, and then pull back. Those women live for the man to beg them. But like an earlier poster said. It is not hard to spot those women.
Now simple flirting between adults is actually normal. You both can sense that its going nowhere at that moment, and possibily could lead to something in the future. I believe the possible future sexcapade is the appeal of flirting.
But that is the difference in my opinion.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:19 am
yes…. that is so very so, ma petit , the more things change , at times, the more they remain
the same…. just when did we as a culture forget the fine art of Love Fencing …. the many
ways one would let one know which way was up …. and if the flow was going both ways….
well, one could smile the night away, without malice aforethought ,towards many wonderful evenings ….. if possible …. or it could end with a trip to palookaville with you asking ..” was
this trip really worthy it….” every Tom, Dick and Hazel has been there …. now, that time
is long lost…. it’s all cut ‘n’ run…. and you know that’s no fun…. so we go places where
we will flow … mingle…. act… react… learn and try not to be burned… no matter what
your day was … your week was…. your life at this moment…..
lamesabassman….. never let them see you sweat while you enjoy…. the flow…
June 11th, 2009 at 11:31 am
and …. Mr. D…. what you said is so to the point…. my mama always said …” dont let your mouth or your body write a check that you wont be able to cash…” if the Lady in question
feels the need to express herself in such a way as she so deeply explained … then she knows
who and what she really is and should invest in some face time with a shrink…. or rent the
movie… ” Looking for Mr. Goodbar ” or if she continues on the road she is on…. she may
not like the movie’s ending,but when you go around saying that you love your Good and Plenty
and not share… smile sweetly… and then.. bust a move….
lamesabassman….. then… you are what you are and may the devil take the hindmost….
June 15th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
JoeBMore: Thanks for commenting! :) You mention:
I do feel that some women enjoy the act of rejecting men more than sex. Those women are the cock teasers. They do everything to imply that your going to have sex, and then pull back. Those women live for the man to beg them. But like an earlier poster said. It is not hard to spot those women.
What’s the male equivalent?