Ooooh, you guys went easy on me. ;) Last week, I gave you the chance to ask me anything and I promised I’d answer all questions. Time’s up. Questions have been posted. My answers are below.
Kevin Styles asked, “How many people (men and women) have you had sex with?”
In college and grad school, I used to lie and say “I’ve only slept with four guys” because it seemed like a wholesome answer. I look at it differently now. Take a 40-year-old man who became sexually active at 15. Even if he was serially monogamous and only had one serious girlfriend (with sex) every year, he would’ve slept with 25 women by now. I’m not a man, nor am I 40 nor have I slept with 25 people.
So, now, I always answer the “how many people have you slept with” question with another question: Why does it matter? If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m a slut, the # of people I’ve slept with won’t give that away because, quite frankly, I think the term slut is bullshit. If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m safe / disease free, a better question might be: “With how many of your coke-addicted friends have you shared needles?” I don’t do coke. But, it’s interesting the “How many people have you fucked?” question starts with the assumption that sex is more common and/or “dirtier” than drugs.
Baba Doodlius asked, “Here’s one: What’s a nice girl like you doing in an internet like this?”
I made my first webpage (100% HTML hand-coded and uploaded using only MS Notepad and an FTP program) in 1995. I’ve been addicted to the internet ever since. So, yeah, I’m online because I’m a geek. ;) Hell, I was in Math Club in high school for crying out loud. I think I was one of very few — if not the only one — who wore a cheerleading skirt in Calculus class.
lamesabassman asked, “Salma Hayek…… or … Hallie Berry….. or Drew Barrymore….. or Pam G.”
I think they’re all good actors.
dkzone asked, “Ever fool around with another chick? If so, would you do it again?”
I had a threesome almost exactly a year ago: 2 girls and 1 guy. I’d do it again under different circumstances / with a different guy.
Alex asked, “I love your site Twanna but….. in this post “greatful”should be grateful no?”
Yep. Thanks for catching the typo. :) I usually write my posts at the ass crack of dawn and/or during late nights. Grammar flubs happen. Through out the day, I catch typos, missing words, etc. and I correct them. Sometimes you guys catch it before I do.
@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “How did you find the opportunities to work/live abroad? (I read your 101 things)”
Before I moved to New York and became a writer, I worked in international affairs. I did my BS and MA degrees in sociology, and I wrote my thesis paper on immigration in Europe. I speak Dutch fluently as well as a bit of French and Italian. My advice would be to learn as many languages as you can, and the opportunities will follow. Or, you might already know languages. Or, you can always go to Australia, England, Ireland or another place where you’ll be fine with English. :) The Department of Defense schools offer teaching jobs across the globe. One friend is teaching in London, and I have another in Indonesia and yet another in China. Additionally, the French and Spanish governments (and others) offer Americans who speak the language teaching opportunities in their countries. Peace Corps is another option. Also, tons of independent organizations offer work abroad and volunteer abroad opportunities.
dkzone asked, “Which would you choose: fantastic relationship, but mediocre sex…. or fantastic sex, but mediocre relationship?”
Fantastic relationship with mediocre sex. You can always help make the boinking better. But, you can’t “work on” a person to change them into someone they aren’t. By the way, if you missed them, you might be interested in these FBC posts: Is Good Sex a Basic Human Need? and Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?.
@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “Being someone who relocated to NY from somewhere else (like myself) how did you make friends? And where is your favorite place in NY to hang out?”
GREAT question! (Friends who’ve relocated often ask me this.) I move around a lot, so I’m kind of used to starting fresh and meeting new people. The easiest way to do it is do stuff you like doing. Sports? Join a non-professional team in your city. Reading? Join a book club. Movies? Join a film center. Speak Dutch and like to make out with tall, gorgeous Dutch boys? Go to NLBorrels. Oh, wait, shit. That last one was for me. ;) But, um, yeah, getting back to the question … Once you’ve met new people, you’ll have to keep doing it for a while. You won’t like some of them. Others might move away and/or not like you. It’s an ongoing process. By the way, I soooo can’t speak highly enough about Meetup.com. It’s a great way to meet people when you’re new to a city. And, you asked, Where are my favorite NYC place to hang out? At the moment, my apartment. I love my place. Other than that … Essex for brunch, MoMA for art, IFC Center for film, Central Park for running, etc.
dkzone asked, “Also have the items in your kitchen solely been used for cooking purposes?”
Nope. :) I keep my hammer, measuring tape, power drill, nails and other hardware goods in a kitchen drawer near my refrigerator. I don’t use those items to cook, but I’ve used them to hang paintings on my wall and affix coat hooks to the back of my door. :)
@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “If you’re in a relationship with someone and you know that love them and are sexually attracted to them but have a hard time actually having sex with them, what do you think that means?”
Couple things. If the sex has always been mediocre, it means the two people aren’t communicating. The best way to make “okay” sex “great” sex is to talk about it — what works, what doesn’t work, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what could be different, etc. If the sex was good but now it’s not, something’s changed. Maybe one person doesn’t feel emotionally close to the other anymore. Maybe one partner has gained weight and doesn’t feel comfortable in their body anymore. Could be anything. In any case, it gets better with communication. If one or both partners aren’t able to talk about it, I’d suggest therapy. I love therapy.
Mindspin asked, “What’s the sexiest thing in your underwear drawer?”
Lately, I like this pink and black ribbon chemise by Rampage best.
Baba Doodlius asked, “How about: Do gerbils cower in fear at your approach, like they do for Richard Gere?”
I only like animals when I’m eating them. Speaking of which …
Baba Doodlius asked, “Breakfast – bacon and eggs or pancakes and sausage?”
I usually prefer steak & eggs for breakfast. Egg whites only. Multi-grain toast. And at least 2 or 3 mimosas.
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Image by Tory Byrne
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I also think the how many people have u slept with question is BS. I have slept with a good number of people but I never thought of myself as a slut or conducted or carried myself in a slutty way. I was just doing what I wanted to do. Now I admit that I may had some self esteem issues in my younger years which sometimes led me to make some poor judgement calls but I’ve never allowed any man who I was involved with to blatantly direspect me and I’ve rarely fucked solely for lust and the pure pleasure of fucking – which is how would define a “slut” (which could be a man or woman). I genuinely liked and/or had feelings for almost every one of them, so does that make me a bad person? And I’m still cool with a lot of the guys to this day – we don’t fuck anymore but we may still get together and chop it up from time to time. So yes while I may have been a little misguided, I never whored myself out for some superficial reason and was never anyones late night booty call. I have no regrets though, its made me who I am today and to be honest, its really no one elses business.
It’s never worth lying about how many people you’ve slept with, but very few people have any right to know the answer to that question.
gee…. do the math….. if you’re hellacool…. and you only deal with one as try as you
might to do so….. stuff happens….. when you are out there … trying to make ends meet
you meet people and when poeple… meet people…. stuff happens….. and if more in the
world did so…. no more wars…. no pain… just some very crowded countries down the road
smiling peacefully … how many…. do you really want to know…. to be compared ….
could you handle that…. how many…. enough to know you’re no rookie when it comes to
nookie…. so bring it ….
but… it ain’t the number…. it’s the style….. Mae West was known to say.. ” It’s not the Men
in my Life…. but, the life in my men.. that counts…”
do you like to be massaged when you arise in the AM before you face
your day…..
lamesabassman…. and is that before or after the mimosas….
No, you’re not alone. Neither was I. A fellow cheerleader and I took Calculus, and on Pep Rally days, we wore the uniform to class.
@thepopculturist: I disagree with you definition of a slut, but I’m right there with you on the “it’s really no one else’s business.”
A: Exactly! :)
lamesabassman: Love the Mae West quote! Your comment about massages was kind of creepy.
Well I think the term slut is just BS in general, because I don’t think there should be any stigma associated with enjoying sex and having multiple partners. But if I were to define a “slut” that’s how I would define it however there are some additional caveats that should have accompanied it:
1. You’re having sex with multiple people and not using protection.
2. You’re married or in a committed relationship with someone and you’re conducting repeated sexual escapades with multiple partners behind their back and with no regard to your commitment. This is even worse if there are kids in the picture (Cheating happens but once or twice is one thing but to be a serial cheater is another)
3. You frequently mislead people in thinking that you want something more from them when you are only interested in sex.
Now if you have two (or more) people who are prudent and consenting adults who wanna fuck just to fuck or to fulfill some fantasy or fetish and people are open and honest about their expectations and they’re using protection and no ones getting hurt in the process, by all means go for it!
thepopculturist: “You’re married or in a committed relationship with someone and you’re conducting repeated sexual escapades with multiple partners behind their back”.
That’s not a slut. That’s an asshole.
Baba Doodlius: correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re assuming I’m talking about a man. I’ve rarely heard anyone refer to a female using the word “asshole”. That term seems to be reserved only for men. The female equivalent, and again correct if I’m wrong, is usually “bitch” “slut” or “whore” – Which is messed up in itself because I find those words much more degrading than the word asshole yet they’re not often used to describe men. Men aren’t called whores or sluts – they’re called players or dogs or “philanderers”. The only words that are truly degrading to men is to be called a “bitch” “punk” or a “fag” which all basically mean that he’s not acting like a man which in essence means he’s acting like a woman.
But I digress..So if a woman was creepin on her boyfriend or husband with all these different men behind his back – what would you call her? A desperate housewife? A horrible person? A typical Hollywood celebrity?
My guess is that you and most other people would call her a bitch and/or a slut and/or a whore.
thepopculturist: Were I referring strictly to a man, I would have said “”That’s not a slut. That’s a dick.” “Asshole” is an equal opportunity epithet.
let me clarify …. am in the gym early in the AM …. do my workout,then get a massage, some steam,shower then face the day…. either IHOP or Roscoe’s for breakfast then on to work.. does’nt everybody do the gym early in NYC…. it just cant be a Cali thang….. didnt
mean to creep you out…. I do the Gym 6 days a week…. Sunday …. I rest….
and the name thing….. I dont do that…. dont call anybody anything that I dont wish to be
called… bitch… slut… punk or asshole….. I will just say “Dude ” and chill…. anything else
is very bad karma…
and Mr. D …. you are right on the money…. if a woman or man was creepin’ on their
partner… you could say that they were just using their options of choice very badly…
and you will be called on it….
lamesabassman…. sorry FBC…. I will expand in the future….
and … yes …. I do mimosas in the AM…. great way to face the day…. chicken and waffles..
plus mimosas….
lamesabassman….. priceless…
Baba Doodlius: I’m a fan of the word “asshole” too!! :)
me 2….. I just think it rather than say it ….. being from BKLYN,NYC…. to say something
the wrong way to the wrong person… well, you either packed some heat or ran a track meet
I did my share of standing and running but in doing so re-learned the fine art of talking to defuse any and all situations…. you would be surprised how you could call someone a low life
in an elegant way….. and leave their heads spinning for days….
lamesabassman….. but, yeah, asshole is a great word to use in a pinch…..
Complete side question: what do you think about couples who have threesomes?
Rachel: To each their own. :) I see nothing wrong with it.