Would You Sleep with an HIV+ Partner?
I’ve known my pal “Bro-Bro” since I was 18. She’s one of my closest friends. Kinder and more caring than I am, she inspires me to be a better person. Ages ago, we were gabbing about dating and the conversation went something like: “Would you date someone significantly older than you are?” “Younger?” “Someone with an STI?” and so on and so on. Then, the topic turned to HIV and AIDS. Bro mentioned she would date an HIV+ partner. I said I wouldn’t. Here’s my logic … In dating, I’ve always said it’s unfair to ask for something in a partner that you can’t deliver yourself. For example, I work out and I eat relatively healthy. I’m not unreasonable; I wouldn’t AVOID dating someone who wasn’t in good shape — I’d just prefer that my partner take care of his body the same way I do mine. That’s fair, no? Likewise, because I’m not HIV+, I don’t think it’s unrealistic to seek a partner who shares my HIV-free status. Plus, sex is a factor in my relationships. And by “sex” (in this context), I mean “a penis in my body.” Sex toys are great, but nothing compares to being properly stuffed with a stiff, clean, fleshy shaft (with a condom). It’s not the only component of my relationships, but it definitely matters. Bro agrees that sex is a factor in healthy relationships, but she says somethings weigh more heavily.
“Everyone needs someone to love,” she says. “And, what if you contracted HIV? Wouldn’t you still want to kiss, hold hands, date and get physical with someone? That desire wouldn’t go away.”
See what I mean? Bro’s a good person. She genuinely cares more about others and wants the best for humankind. And, not to mention, she makes a good point; there’s no guarantee I’ll never contract HIV … or, for that matter, my future HIV-free boyfriend won’t contract the virus (or a different yet-to-be-discovered retrovirus) from some other source after we start dating. Having said all that, still, I don’t think I could knowingly have sex with an HIV+ partner. Life’s too short, and I don’t want to gamble with making mine even shorter when there’s such a wide selection of HIV- men available. Hmmm …. What say you? Would you date or sleep with an HIV+ partner?
July 13th, 2009 at 11:41 am
no
July 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Not for a million billion dollars. I think sleeping with an HIV+ partner is like playing Russian Roulette. What would your friend Bro do if the condom broke or has a tear? No amount of “baby, I’m sorry” is going to keep you from having the most massive freakout ever.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Great post once again.
In the gay community, this is a loaded topic (no pun intended). No. There’s this strange undercurrent of bug chasers and people looking to catch a strain. There are people that have screwed up sex on Tina. Strangely, a lot of people have the – “Are you clean and negative” conversation, very early on. Some people ask it right before taking the fella home. Also, the online forums have a tag that allows everyone to disclose their status. Some people have told me straight off the bat that they’re positive. I have an ex that told me he had Herpes when we were about to hook up again. We didn’t.
Is this fair, does this cause people to be spit into groups. Yes. Would I knowingly date a HIV + partner. Nope. Couldn’t do it. I would fear slipping and getting drunk one night and going there. I have a friend who is dating someone + for about a year now. He slipped and well, he’s going a bit crazy.
I hope we find a cure soon and it helps us unlock many viruses. Yet this is a touchy topic. We try and keep ourselves as safe as possible.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I would certainly consider getting involved with someone who had a disease which I could be inoculated against, like hep B. But until there is a vaccine for HIV, I would not want to be involved with someone who was HIV+. I would be friends, but I would not engage in any activity where there is a risk of infection.
If I were ever to become infected with a transmittable, incurable disease, I think I would seek out a partner with a similar situation because I do not think I could risk infecting someone I cared about, even if that person were aware of the risks. I know this would be difficult, but I feel it is the right thing to do.
I have had the experience of having a very difficult disease to treat, which was transmitted by skin contact. For the six months it took to get over the disease, I was very careful in my interactions with others, going further than the doctors advised in avoiding contact (no hugs, for instance). I was completely miserable and envisioned spending the rest of my life alone, because it wasn’t certain that I would respond to the treatment. Even so, I could not envision putting myself in a position to infect anyone else.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
This is absolutely about education. The fact that a comment here flat out says ‘no’ shows that it’s still a topic people don’t understand… and people fear what they don’t understand. You can’t get HIV from holding someones hand… and there are ways to have safe sex… it’s just about re-educating and learning about the facts of this disease.
I wouldn’t write anybody off without having met them. If it happens that my soul mate, the person I am meant to be with is HIV + then that’s just something we’d learnt to manage together.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Hi, all. Twanna told me I would be part of a “controversial” topic today, and I see she is right! And my views (as they are generally) are probably rather unconventional! However, just to clarify — I didn’t say I would necessarily have sex with an HIV + individual. But I am open to dating someone who may be. Obviously, if it were to become physical, I wouldn’t just wantonly, with no respect for the consequences whatsoever, just be like, “Ok!” and jump in the sack. I know very little about sex between + and – people, and I’d consult physicians and do research and ultimately make a decision then. Maybe that decision would be “absolutely not!” and it ends there. Maybe I would be open to other physical activities that didn’t necessarily involve sex. I’ve never had to deal with this, so my views are purely theoretical. I’m also aware that there’s generally a risk with sexual encounters generally, so a condom could break with someone I presumed was – and be SOL at that point as well. However, where relationships are concerned, I feel that finding a relationship isn’t the easiest thing, and is truly a blessing when it happens, so I try to be relatively open in who I might be interested in.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
By the way, that should read when a truly loving and caring relationship happens. Important distinction!
July 13th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Kate, I think that people understand that you cannot get HIV from holding someone’s hand. However, many (most?) people don’t want a relationship which stops at holding hands. Like Funkybrownchick, they want penetrative sex. That can be made safer, but you still can’t call it ’safe sex.’ In what way do you feel people need to be corrected?
July 13th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
no…i would not knowingly have sex with an hiv+ person…
July 13th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Nope. Safe Sex is not 100% safe, and HIV is still a deadly virus. Even if the risk is small, the potential worst case result is that you could suffer a long, slow death. Not worth taking the chance.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I can be friends with an HIV positive person. I will dine with them, and I have absolutely no problem being seen in public with them. But I will not be intimate with them People are not owed sex, they have to deserve it. And those with HIV have put themselves beyond the pale. Sorry, but that’s that.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
No!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
it’s kinda like playing Russian Roulette with FULLY LOADED GUN…. yeah can hang with
them …. dine …. shoot hoops….. but….. oh, hell no …. no sex…
thru no fault of their own or by not being VERY CAREFUL that they were to receive such a
death sentence means that they’re in a world by themselves….. no kissing…. can do hugs
and no mambos ever….
and the ones who spread it because someone gave it to them,so they are returning the favor
deserve to be drawn and quartered and roasted over a slow fire….
and …. yeah, if and when that I EVER caught this curse…. I would kill myself is to not spread
this to anyone else….
lamesabassman…. this is the only time that something like this is not even open for discussion…. no quarter, period.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:44 am
I would not have sex with an HIV positive person. It’s not safe and I wouldn’t want to put myself at risk. Your friend’s comment about everyone needing someone to love is valid, but an HIV positive person can’t expect to get that love from people who don’t have the disease.
If I were HIV positive, I’d pretty much figure all people without HIV were off limits to me and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of dating people who didn’t have the disease. I’d probably just give up on love. But if I was HIV positive and did want to date, I’d look for other HIV positive people to date and have sex with. There are actually dating sites for this, such as http://www.HIVnet.com, http://www.positivesdating.com, http://www.hivpositivedating.net, and http://www.pozmatch.com.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:23 am
No thank you.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:57 am
No Nonsense: A clear answer :)
DivaDivine: I’ll let Bro answer that one …
Alex: VERY good point about needing a cure. For me, that’s what scares and saddens me about HIV and AIDS. Like herpes, for now, it’s a gift for life.
Anon: Ditto on the “until there is a vaccine.” And, good comment about the “I think I would seek out a partner with a similar situation” stuff. Goes back to my point that it’s not entirely fair to ask for something in others that I can’t provide in return.
Kate: Thanks for commenting! The world is most interesting when people respectfully disagree. I’m 100% with you on “This is absolutely about education.” And, yeah, I’ll admit I don’t know as much about the issues as I could. At the same time, there’s a caveat; even with education, I think everyone should be able to date as they please — whether that decision is based on race, height, weight, economic status, infection status, etc. And, yeah, I would absolutely write some people off without having met them. If I met a guy online and he told me he served 10 – 20 years for a murder/rape, there’s NO WAY I’d go on a date with him. You gave me an idea for Wednesday’s FBC post: Dealbreakers – Men I Absolutely Would Not Date.
Original_Bro: Thanks for commenting!!! :)
A.: Good point about “you still can’t call it ’safe sex.’” I got in the habit of writing safe(r) sex, but sometimes I forget. In all honestly, as long as you’re having sex, it’s never 100% safe.
letinstar: And, that’s your right.
Baba Doodlius: Right there with you.
trevor: Oooh, I agree and disagree here too. :) I’m not going to (knowingly) sleep with an HIV+ person. That said, I don’t hold anyone totally responsible for their status. I think many people who carry HIV haven’t been any more or less responsible in sex than I have. I’m really careful about safety but, yeah, I’ve screwed around without a condom w/ longterm boyfriend and I’ve had a condom break with shortterm dudes. I also had surgery in the 80s and received blood products. I know my status; I’m not HIV+. But, I have a “there but by the grace of God go I” attitude about it. That said, as long as I’m HIV-, I’ll try my damdest stay that way and I’m certainly not going to sleep with an HIV+ person.
anthonyb: And, you’re 100% free to feel that way. :)
lamesabassman: Bro brought up a good point when I talked to her last night: “Technically, to some degree, every time you have sex, you’re playing roulette.”
mydria: Thanks for posting the links!!! I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me to include that in my original post.
Lady: From your response it sounds like you’re still sitting on fence about this. Made up your mind yet? ;)
July 14th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
that’s so true,my sister….. please be careful….
lamesabassman… am losing so many good friends to this… will someone find a cure,please…
July 14th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Consider this.
In much the same manner that exposure to semen does not result in pregnancy in every instance (quite the opposite really),contact, even sexual contact that results in you getting exposed to the virus, does not guarantee that you will contract the virus. But yes, it is a huge risk.
That being said, I would not become involved sexually with someone that I knew was HIV positive.
However, if I were with someone, my current partner for instance, and, by some unfortunate happenstance, he contracted the virus, I would not just pick up and leave him either.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@ Kate: My simple is answer of NO has nothing to do with lack of education, it’s a boundary issue for me. We all have boundaries, would I date a convicted criminal? no– my boundary, would I date some one who pays no attention to personal hygiene, bad breath smelly arm pits? no… another boundary, and many others I can think of. No one should consider educating me on empathy because criminals are off limits for me. So don’t assume I know nothing about HIV, it’s just that’s a boundary I created when I dated. As a matter of fact, before I got married whomever I was considering dating, we would go together and get tested before sex.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Desiree: Yep, exactly. There’s a difference between “starting” a relationship with a handful of knowledge vs. being in a relationship any finding something out later.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“nothing compares to being properly stuffed with a stiff, clean, fleshy shaft (with a condom).”
Truer words have never been spoken. You are a woman after my own heart!
August 8th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Knowingly no, but then again people don’t always know. I guess to be safe, I’d prefer dating someone who did regular checkups and was clean.
If my lover contracted it somehow, and I didn’t have it. I’m not sure what I would do. If he were screwing around on me and got it, I’d be pissed and most likely leave his ass. If it were from some other situation, I wouldn’t want to just up and abandon him. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him though.