Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

How NOT to Ask for Dating Advice

As many of you know, I post my email address and phone number online. My telephone number is for writing and appearance stuff related to print, online and TV. My email address is posted for readers. Yep, you guys. I really like hearing from you, and  I feel flattered when you take time out of your day to write to me. So, I try to respond to as many messages as possible — even if I can’t do it until many many weeks later. Most of your messages are like “I like your blog” or “I disagree with what your wrote” or “Hey, can you do a post about this” or “How do you get your hair to curl like that” or other random fun stuff. A few of the messages share really heartfelt and serious stories from your personal lives. Some emails are laugh out loud hilarious. Others are  … well, just, you know, a little bit strange.

Given the response to my HIV post, it seems fitting to write about the guy who claims a lying, thieving, phony, cheating female pastor gave him herpes. He starts his letter to me “Hey Tawana.” SIDENOTE … In college, I once asked a guy named Gebhardt Gurkewitz for a letter of recommendation, and I fucked up his name in the request. He told me, “If you’re going to ask someone to do something for you, the very least you can do is spell their name right.” He had a point. And, for the record, my name is spelled Twanna. (Like “I wanna” but with a “T.”) Moving right along … So, the reader’s email says he was accused of being an abuser by a woman who gave him herpes. He wants me to write details about said woman so he can shame her and get his side of the story out. Not a good idea. For “Mr. Herpes” and anyone else who has ever considered emailing me (or any other relationships writer) to ask for advice, here a four free tips / lessons …

DON’T SUBMIT REQUESTS TO THE WRONG PLACE. In addition to getting the name right, it’s probably good to poke around the internet to see if you even WANT advice from that person. If you read Funky Brown Chick, you’ll notice it’s a positive space and I don’t like drama. The only rule in the comment section is “be kind.” Disagree, get angry, tell me you think my ideas are cockamamie … but don’t be an asshole. Given that’s the tone of my site, it’s safe to assume I’m not going to accept requests to use Funky Brown Chick for a reader’s revenge.

DO BACK AWAY IF YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE. Take Mr. Herpes, for example. Here’s the sum total of what I know about him … He emails me at 10:30 p.m. on a Thursday night and follows that up with an 11:00pm telephone call and two text messages. When he receives zero response, the next afternoon, he texts me again at 1:30pm. I don’t respond. So, the next day, he texts me again. And, by the way, remember, by his own admission (via email), at least one woman has accused him of abusing her. Question: Why the FUCK would I want to get involved with any of that mess?

DON’T BE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. Once, I think I got an email from a girl in her early teens. She said a 20-something guy tells her he loves her, but then he sometimes doesn’t show up to see her when he says he will. God, I soooo remember how frustrating, confused and awkward my teen years were. Seriously, you couldn’t pay me to re-live junior high or high school. So, yeah, teens seeking advice should look for resources especially geared toward minors. And, for what it’s worth, I agree with Nikol. “If you’re in junior high and you’re dating someone who’s out of high school, he’s a pedophile.”

DO CONSIDER THERAPY. If you were bleeding from your eyeballs and the lower half of your body went numb, you’d see a doctor. The logic? “Something’s not quite right with my physical health, and I probably need a professional’s advice.” However, I’ve had friends (and readers) tell me their parents have died (or divorced), they’re unable to have sex because they don’t trust men, their wife cheated on them, they were raped by a guy friend in college or a whole host of other things. When I suggest they find a therapist, it seems to fall on deaf ears. The logic? “I’m not crazy!” Possibly not. But, then again, few people wait until they’re dying to see a doctor. So, why wait to see a counselor until life becomes UNBEARABLE?! Last year, I wrote a post titled “How to Find a Therapist.” Read it — especially if your current situation or family history involves sexual, physical or emotional abuse.