Rewind to last week. I’m sitting on a bar stool at Tiny Lounge (New York Times review, Photo Tour) with my friend Liz. It’s Wednesday night, so the place isn’t crowded. Most patrons either comfy up at tables or sit outside enjoying Chicago‘s lovely summertime evening weather, so Liz and I claim the bar area for ourselves. I flew in from JFK earlier in the evening, so my body is filled with two glasses of wine and a Bloody Mary (to calm my Fear of Flying nerves) and two bottles of Duvel and two cocktails from the bar. I love party and bullshit, but I’m poor at gauging how much I drink when I’m talking to my friends. A typically youngest child, I get uber-engaged in the company of my pals, flail my arms, laugh loudly and giggle from my bar stool before self-reflecting to realize: I’m drunk.
“OMG, Liz,” I exclaim in a voice loud enough for not only Liz but also the bartender to hear as well, “My fuck buddy is huge!” (Mind you, I don’t even remember saying this! I’m telling you the story as Liz told me the next morning. I know she isn’t lying because what follows below is true and Liz wouldn’t know it had I not said it.)
Liz starts laughing. I keep going.
“No really, he’s HUUUUGE!!! The guy’s like 6 feet tall and he’s bigger than I am. So, when we had sex, I only wanted it missionary because the pressure felt so good. Seriously ..” [apparently, at this point, I start fanning myself because I'm getting hot] ” .. The pressure of his body pinning mine against the mattress felt sooooo good. It’s great. Wonderful. Gooooood, I loved it!!!!!!!”
Cut to the next morning. Liz tells me what I told her and I, hungover, almost shrivel into a tiny little pool and collapse on her kitchen floor.
“I can’t believe I said that!!! I mean, yeah, he’s a bigger guy but I can’t believe I went into details about my sex life at the bar!! And the bartender heard me?!?!!”
Liz nods her head. I shiver.
Later during our visit — while I’m less inebriated and plastered with fewer smiles and giggles — the conversation turns to my love life. It’s a pity I can’t broach the subject without getting upset. I tell Liz it’s really hard in New York. I can go on dates. I can get laid. I can meet men. But, I’ve been here nearly five years and I’ve yet to link up with a partner in a crime — a boyfriend. Even my fuck buddy isn’t a true “fuck buddy” because I’m getting tired of sleeping with male pals. The guy in question is just a friend I had sex with once (so far?) because we’d been out drinking together and complained about how long it’d been since we’d each had sex. He suggested we hook up, and I went for it because it was fun to spend a hot evening scratching each others’ itches … of course, with him on top because he’s bigger than me and the pressure & friction felt really good. :)
But, whatever. In all seriousness, I’m pissed off because I know New York is the root cause of my muted dating life. In the five years prior to moving here, I was never without a man in my life for more than a few days at a time. I’ve lived in London, Chicago, Amsterdam, The Hague, Los Angeles, Florida and elsewhere. In each location, I’ve had a boyfriend, fuck buddies, admirers and other men who’ve expressed interest in me. In New York, I often feel invisible. As I tell my friend Liz about how frustrated I am with my dating life at the moment, I feel tears well in my eyes. I don’t want to cry because I feel slightly needy or pathetic saying “I want a boyfriend” but I do.
Back in New York.
“I don’t get it,” Tess tells me last night, “Every guy I know is like, ‘Twanna is so sweet. She seems adorable. Why isn’t she dating?’ I tell them, ‘I don’t know!’”
Funny she would mention that because none of the guys wondering “Why isn’t Twanna dating?” have ever asked me out. But, whatever. It’s not just about dating. I KNOW how and where to find men in New York City. I’ve been on hundreds of dates in this town, and I’m tired of the stupid first/second/third date getting-to-know-all-about-you period. I wanna go the distance with a guy who knows EXACTLY what I’m feeling just by listening to my voice on the phone or seeing my face when I walk in the door. It’s the same emotional intimacy I have with friends and others that I’ve known for longer than three or four dinner-and-a-movie sessions.
I want a boyfriend. But, it’s not that easy. Saying it doesn’t make one materialize. I want chocolate. I buy it. The desire subsides. I want a boyfriend. I call my single girlfriends to commiserate and the longing continues for another day, week, or even a year. In the meantime, I focus on me. I workout. I re-edit my book to get it closer to completion. I spend time with my friends. I do other things that make me feel whole, happy, good and healthy. Everyone tells me: Good! You’ll find someone when you’re not looking and when you least expect it. My response? Fuck you because I already know that. I hate hearing the “when you’re not looking” shit because, to me, it brings to mind the very dated (no pun intended) notion of a desperate, sad and lonely spinster who anxiously seeks a mate while her clock ticks away. I’m not desperate. And, I don’t want children. I simply want to share my life with another person and experience the very real human need for touch and affection.
“Twanna! Welcome back!” writes my friend Julia upon hearing I’ve returned from Chicago and I’m back in New York City. “I hope to see you soon. I also want to introduce you to my friend Michelle. She wants to become a match-maker. And she wants to match you up with 100 men! It sounds like a fun idea.”
Indeed, it does.
———
Photo Credit: Image of Patti Stanger appears on BravoTV.com.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I marvel at how you are able to be so honest. I’m a good writer, and yet I won’t write anything down. Not just because I’m afraid someone else might know my innermost thoughts, but because I don’t want to have my innermost thoughts take form and stare back at me!
I would love to have someone to share my life with, a certain someone actually. But since he’s made himself unavailable he is not an option. I am so sick of being treated badly though (it’s all good for a while..), and I so don’t want to deal with anyone else’s shit that I would truly rather be on my own 90% of the time.
So like you I focus on myself, my goals, and try to find joy where I can.
Matchmaking may not be a bad idea for you. At least the pool would be narrowed down to men that actually want a long term relationship, and that criteria is perhaps the best starting point.
Hey Twanna,
Been lurking (not commenting) for far too long. You know (and remember) my trouble finding girlfriends in Vancouver and I can commisserate about the feeling of trying to find somebody new.
That being said, go for the matchmaking – a friend of mine did that in Vancouver and is now in a thoroughly nauseatingly cute relationship (in a good way!). And whatever happens, just realize you deserve the best, so don’t settle for anything less than that!
Take care!
Mitch
Twanna,
Your post was so heartfelt…I would love to ask you though, why do you want a boyfriend and what would a relationship with that person look and feel like to you?
You don’t have to answer, but you see for the last 3 years I’ve felt the same as you. I got my wish 4 months ago and met a great guy. We broke up recently because we just weren’t meant for each other and I was becoming increasingly unhappy. It finally dawned on me though (after a couple of sessions with my Life Coach) that the love and support I was looking for I can provide for myself. This is not too say I don’t want a boyfriend and thinks that now that i’ve stopped searching, prince charming will just pop up. (It really annoys me when people say that shit.) I’ve merely realized that I am able to love and support myself to the fullest. Anyway, that is my 2 cents.
Blessed be,
pink
P.S. It goes w/out saying that by support i am not referring to financial kind.
Beautifully written post—it’s so difficult to cop to loneliness. I’ve so been there. I also loathe people who told me “just stop looking and you’ll find it.” That only happens in rom coms. You try different things, meet people out of your comfort circle, and up your odds. That’s how you do it. NYC is rougher than anywhere and you’re doing great. It’ll happen for you. Can’t wait to hear how the matchmaker works out!
LOL…..You got drunk in a bar and the bartender heard about your sex life….LOL
Furiously scribles that she likes fuckbuddies 6′ or taller……..checks height….6’2″
You are so deliciously wonderful, I am at a loss, when trying to find someone worthy of you. I think the matchmaker thing might be perfect. The problem may be that, there are “dealbreakers” that we know and ones that we don’t know in our own heads. Like when we describe the perfect person for us and someone presents an example of what we describe as what we want…..it may end up being something we really don’t want. kind of like my omelet theory.
Everyone loves omelets.
but if you add every other thing that you like into an omelet…..its god awful nasty.
yanno?
Jeez, Twanna. Except for a few parts I’d swear you could swap out your name for mine!
I’m over NYC. I’ve lived here my WHOLE life and have had no luck with guys. When I lived in D.C. however, I had to beat them off of me with a stick. Quelle bizarre. I don’t want to be sexy, single and sixty–which is what I’ll be if I stay here. As soon as I get my license, I’m moving. If you value your love life, you will too.
Best!
clarification: I went to college in D.C.
NYC is a tough town for single women. Anyone who says otherwise is a big fat liar. But I love it here and I’ve been lucky enough to find a few keepers (well, on a temporary basis) over the years. It just takes a little bit more work here, and a hell of a lot of patience.
Anyway, I can’t wait to hear about your experience with the matchmaker. It’s something I’ve been curious about for ages.
Story of my life!
Well not the first half of the story, more so middle to last section…but you get the gist.
I’d love to move to NY, but I need all the help and luck I can get when it comes to meeting a man, so….I just do know about NYC…
Twanna, I love your honesty as well. This posting is great and I totally understand where you are coming from.
Here’s what I have to say about finding someone when you least expect: It’s true. It happens. It happened to me. I met my ex-husband that way. I was renting a car while mine was in the shop, and he was the guy from Enterprise who picked me up. I asked him out after I returned the car, and the rest is history.
Since that relationship, I have been focusing a lot on me and not on dating at all. Like Pink, I’ve been able to “love and support myself to the fullest,” but I’m SOOO over that now. I want a man to love too! I’ve been pretty damn patient, but I’m reaching a breaking point….where is he? when is he coming, if at all???
If woman wants a boyfriend, maybe instead of not focusing on it and relying on unexpectancy, she should put all of her efforts towards going for what she wants. I heard that Chinese actress Joan Chen had a goal to be married (for the second time) by age 30, so she went on a date every single weekend until she found “the one.” She met him on a blind date and got married three months before her 30th birthday. I’m not sure how much settling was involved there, but she eventually met her goal and acheived her goal.
This was a very touching account. I feel bad because I am one of those guys that is more than happy being single…it’s my “natural state”. I I don’t like seeing people unhappy
Waiting for love isn’t as dumb as it seems and it doesn’t just happen in romantic comedies. You want someone that clicks with you. The person you will end up with isn’t someone you neccessarily would normally get with, but because there is something about him that’s worth sticking around for, you’ll leap for him more than someone that someone else (a matchmaker) found for you.
I’ve done the personals thing. It appears to me that everyone who signs up for that kind of thing are depressed that they even have to do that in the first place. Some are forced into it by their friends who probably are sick of them saying how lonely they are and when they ultimately sign up, everyone who contacts them gets blown off by them because they feel they’ll meet fat unattractive video game nerds who are relatively nice guys aside from the fact they aren’t Brad Pitt and get down to the Super Mario Brothers theme.
Nowhere in that paragraph am I talking about myself. I think.
Anyhow, I have a video coming up based around this blog post. For better or for worse, you may get some good insight from it.
Matthew
Kalisia: I know what you mean about being on your own instead of being with the wrong guy. If I wanted to date just to date, I could. But, I’d like (and am worth) more than that.
Mitch: I sooo remember those days! And, for the record, I still read and lurk your blog :) I’ll keep you posted on the matchmaking sessions!
pink_thursday: Thanks for the comment and insights. You ask: “why do you want a boyfriend and what would a relationship with that person look and feel like to you?” I’m going to answer that question in a full post because it’s waaay to big to tackle in a comment. :)
Judy: Yeah, I’m excited about the matchmaker stuff too. She’s not a miracle worker, so I’m not expecting magic. It just think it will be a fun thing to do. Something different.
dkzone: You are so sweet!! :) Thanks! And I love that omlette theory, by the way.
DivaDivine: “I don’t want to be sexy, single and sixty–which is what I’ll be if I stay here.” Co-sign. I feel the exact same way.
Simone Grant: Love you. Love your site. I’ll tell you about the matchmaker over drinnks. Speaking of that, we still need to set a date woman!! :)
Lady_m: New York is difficult — in many ways.
mydria: “I’ve been able to “love and support myself to the fullest,” but I’m SOOO over that now. I want a man to love too! I’ve been pretty damn patient, but I’m reaching a breaking point….where is he? when is he coming, if at all???” I SOOO AGREE!!! :)
Marcus: It’s good you know what you want. :) Everyone should lead the life (yes, including LOVE life) they choose. In my own dating life, I have no probs w/ dudes who want to roll single and/or date several people at the same time — as long as they’re honest about their intentions.
Matthew Milam: Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Wow, Twanna! Your post conveys much of what I’ve been feeling lately…THANK YOU!
Gurl……..are you in my head? I feel the exact same way. You put it so honestly and so beautifully, thank you. I too tire of the “you’ll find it when you’re not looking for it” BS…no one has anything more original to say? I hope things go well with the matchmaker, let us know if she has some secret ingredient we’re missing!!!
So guys don’t ask you out. Can’t you ask them? You’re one of them ‘liberated chicks’, right?
so… ya gonna roll the dice…..
and fade the fates
then ….. go for the gusto…..
lamesabassman ….. and damn the torpedos ….
Quick question for the Funky Brown Chick–can you ask your friend Michelle how one becomes a matchmaker? This Patty person is fortunate enough to have been born into the industry. How does the average person get a fun job like this?
WonderLove: You’re very welcome!!
Shermayne M Brown: Will do!! :)
Baba Doodlius: Guys asks me out and I ask them out. I just haven’t found anyone that’s interested in something more longterm. And, for the record, yep! :) I’m one of those ‘liberated chicks’ ;)
lamesabassman: I’m always up for a new adventure — especially if it ends up with me making out with a hot man ;)
Rochelle: I think it’s like any other profession; she found / is finding her path into it. :) Like writing. People ask: How do you become a writer? Lots of different ways. It’s more about finding the right road for the right person at the right time.
Well same problem here not because I can’t find guys that are interested ,but because usually after a while they show how much they are big bigoted asshole . Better be alone than in bad company. I hope to meet some nice someday. i can see it in your future . How could you not find someone you’re awesome , you’re just in the wrong city, country! lol just like me.
zindzhi: Big Bigoted Assholes, you say? Where do you live? And, yeah, sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong city. But, then, I leave New York for a while and I think: “I miss and love it. For better or worse, it’s home.”
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