Reading: Why I Chose to Be Childless [MORE magazine]
I’m not in my 40s, but I like reading MORE magazine because the tone is smart, adult and interesting. I just read this piece by Stephanie Mills, and I thought I’d share it with you. As many of you know, I’m happily childfree and I don’t have any desire to have kids. I used to say, “I’m never having children” but I’ve soften my stance in recent years. That’s not to say I’ve changed my mind … I just think words like “always” and “never” are a bit too absolute and finite. Who the hell knows what I’ll think 10 or 20 years down the road? Yeah, I mean, sure, my womb doesn’t have anything growing in it RIGHT NOW, and I’m quite happy with that. As far as I know, I’ll still be happy without children in the foreseeable future. Only time will tell. In any case, it’s interesting to read Mills’ thoughts.
“Even though my decision not to have children was made on what might be called political grounds it proved to be a good personal choice. [...] Given my particular nature, the responsibility and distraction of childrearing most likely would have prevented me from pursuing my work as a writer, which has been immensely rewarding, if difficult and uncertain much of the time [...]
[Continue reading at MORE magazine]
August 21st, 2009 at 2:47 am
my music and my poetry are my children …….
lamesabassman….. and may they both change the world for the better…..
August 21st, 2009 at 3:51 am
The older I get, the more firmly I say ‘never’. But then, I don’t like kids even if they belong to someone else.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:17 am
I think we all soften as we experience and understand life. Of course, that hasn’t changed my mind about producing a child. But I’ve always been open to co-parenting with a potential partner if he has a child.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:53 am
lamesabassman: Lots of Funky Brown Chick readers would say the same. Some of you have children. Some of you do not. Some of you are married. Some of you are not. Y’all are a diverse group! :)
A.: I used to say: “New York? Nice place, I’d NEVER live there!” :) Not sure what my future holds, but, I’d be INCREDIBLY surprised if I fast forwarded into the future and saw children next to me calling me “mom.” Totally unrelated sidenote, I notice people w/ children often tell me “You don’t want children? Oh, trust me … You say that now, but you’ll change your mind!!” It’s worth noting I never give the equally condescending response: “You have children? Oh, trust me, you’ll learn to regret that decision!!”
Pamela: Yeah, I say I wouldn’t date a dude with a kid. But, hey, you never know.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Speaking as the mother of two beautiful boys, I can honestly say that kids are overrated. I love my boys to death and wouldn’t trade them for anything,don’t get me wrong, but it’s pretty damned scary realizing that you are in charge of two human beings especially when you don’t exactly have it completely together yourself. Kids can change your life for the better and for the worst. You have to put what you want on hold and put that child first. You can’t go out without planning with military precision which babysitters to use or even if you can get one. They can get on your nerves and push your buttons like no one else.You may have a child with special needs and that makes parenting even more stressful. The Father of your kid(s) may consciously or subconsciously think that it’s a “woman’s job” to deal with the kids and may not have a problem with going out with his buddies to play golf, go to the game, etc. while you sit at home climbing the walls, then come home and wonder why you have an attitude. Not everyone’s situation is like that, I know wonderful co-parenting relationships, where duties are shared and everyone respects each other and the contributions they make to the partnership. I have sat through many sleepless nights when one or both of my kids have been sick, gone to the hospital because one of them had stitches, a seizure, an abnormally high fever due to an ear infection, surgery, etc. It can be stressful, very stressful to have children, but it always annoys me when people ask me “Oh, don’t you want a girl?” My womb is not a vending machine, I just can’t request a specific gender and “Boom” a baby girl will pop out.Or when I didn’t have children, “When are you going to have kids?” Really, it’s none of anyone’s business whether they choose to procreate or not. They aren’t raising the kid(s) or taking care of them, so they need to shut up. If you don’t want kids, then you are probably making a sound decision that is right for you. Too many people have kids and probably don’t need them, or they use them as an accessory like a handbag or a pet to show off because they are so insecure they think that the child is an extension of them, so they over-schedule them with all of these unnecessary extracurricular activities to brag about to anyone willing to listen. The only advice I would give anyone contemplating being a parent is that you have to realize that whatever you do affects the kid in the long run. You never get to be a parent to that child a second time. You can do it right the best way you know how, or screw that kid up for the rest of their lives. All that I can do is tell them I’m sorry if I got it wrong and let them know that Mommy has flaws, but she means well and loves them. Hopefully, they will be able to stay out of a shrink’s chair as adults.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
You’re not alone Twanna! I think we’re about the same age and I LOVE reading my maman’s MORE magazine! It is so refreshing and positive. I think young women would be greatly benefitted by reading that magazine on occasion. There’s still this thought that life ends at 40.
Puma73 everything you said is exactly the reason why I have, at the moment, decided to be childfree. I have finally gotten my family to respect my decision. Despite my feelings on having children, I take motherhood extremely serious. Not a choice to be made lightly (ie. “oops”), again, for all the reasons you stated.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Okay, so I got to perusing the site and wow, this woman here is absolutely STUNNING:
http://www.more.com/2021/7117-this-is-what-50–looks#7
I wanna be her.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:55 am
I think thou doth protest too much Twanna. I still love ya though! :)
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:08 am
i just turned 44 last month…i’ve yet to hear that “clock ticking” thing we women are supposed to hear…truth is, i don’t really enjoy the company of children…i have one nephew who i adore and that’s about all i can handle when it comes to children…
August 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Dear Puma73…… ya mean you didnt get the handbook……..?
lamesabassman……. Amazon.com…… smile…. you got Moxie.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:50 am
I wish that I had gotten it before I decided to get pregnant, but no, I didn’t**LOL**
I think I’d need an entire series…
August 24th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Puma73: Thank you for your honesty!! :) By the way, even if the boys end up on shrinks’ chairs, they’ll be okay. I did and I am. :)
Aspasia: Thanks for that link! And, yes, she is stunning!
Ally: And, I love you too :)
letinstar: [raises glass to you] Here’s to kicking out the silly idea of a universal “biological clock.” :)
August 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
To Twanna: Thanks, and sorry my comment was so long:-) I know that there are people who say that having and raising kids is the best thing in the world, which may be true for them, but everyone’s experiences are different. I have a hyper 3 and a half year old son, and a nearly 6-year-old son who has been formally diagnosed with ADHD and Autism-related issues, so I know that it takes more than love to deal with it all. I have nothing against therapy, I’ve been through it numerous times and it is great, my older son already has a shrink. Time will tell if it will actually help him.
To Lamesabassman:Thanks!!! Love your sense of humor
August 24th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Puma73…… can tell from your tome
it ain’t easy, but it’s home
and life for you,
at times….
has been no crystal stair
but someone has always
been there to take care
holding all of you in His Hands…
the road may be tough
but, you’ve been thru
the rough;
but as we breathe, doors open
the sun rises to light
your way, keep your head up….
better days are waiting
for you with arms open
and smiles…. for days……
lamesabassman….. thanks again for the tome… you’re never alone.. hang tough….
August 25th, 2009 at 12:07 am
*raises glass back at you*…:)
August 26th, 2009 at 8:41 am
No prob about the long comment. As long as it’s related to the post, always feel free to write as much or as little as you’d like.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
This conversation is fascinating! I vacillate between wanting to have kids and not wanting to have them. I wonder what it means if almost every time I see a baby or toddler, I smile and feel happy? Does that mean I want kids–or I just like to smile at them when I see them on the bus? I don’t even like cleaning up after myself or keeping track of my own errands. I really can’t imagine being in charge of someone else’s. Thanks for bringing up this subject.