Oct 052009

Sunday, Half Past Ten a.m.Nearly half a dozen of my single girlfriends recently told me they’ve had (or are currently having) affairs with a cheating spouse. Interestingly, when I mention this to others — without outing anyone of course — the responses from outside the community are a bit the same. “Homewreckers!” “These women should know better.” “Wow, did she say WHY she’s going after someone’s husband?” These reactions strike me as strange for two reasons. First, the focus is always on single women. I don’t fault them for dating taken men. They aren’t cheating on their partners; the men are. Take Mashonda‘s eloquent plea to Alicia Keys, for example. (Quick story in case you missed it: Alicia Keys is allegedly having an affair with Mashonda’s husband, producer Swizz Beatz.) She berates Keys’ “constant displays of selfishness and disconcern to me and my son” and barks “you know how you contributed to the ending of my marriage.” It’s glaringly apparent the rant places blame squarely on The Other Woman instead of the Husband. If the rumors are correct, Swizz Beat — much like David Letterman and countless other (albeit less famous) men — had consensual sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife. Which reminds me, I said there were two reasons I don’t “get” why people get riled up about others’ affairs. Here’s the other: If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. (Clarification: That is, if PERSON A is married to PERSON B and cheating with PERSON C, it’s no one’s business except A, B, C and others directly related to the affair.)

To my knowledge, I’ve only slept with one married man. It was a British guy from my first summer in New York, and I’ve written about him before. A white dude with brown hair and blue eyes, he told me he had a high-paying, fancy Wall Street job in lower Manhattan. He was cute. I was attracted to his face and his British accent, not his money. I bought my own drinks to prove it. He told me was single. We flirted for hours over countless beers and cocktails until I eventually took him home. We had sex, but it wasn’t especially good. (Probably my fault as much as it was his; we’d both had a lot to drink.) In any case, once it was over, he asked, “Do you mind if I go home?” I told him he was free to leave if he wanted. I wasn’t going to beg him to sleep over. His response was: “My wife wouldn’t like it if I stayed.” When I reminded him said he was divorced, he replied something like: “Divorced. Separated. Unhappily married. What’s the difference?” Mind you, I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.

Would I sleep with a guy I KNEW was married? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t. Yet. Though, I’ll admit it: Their raw appeal has a certain je ne sais quoi. No, fuck that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Married men are the unknown, forbidden fruit I’m not supposed to desire. I’m subversive and, within limits, I like doing things I’m not supposed to. That said — although I’ve been naked and, yes, had sex with several women’s boyfriends — I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger. For better or worse, I’d probably be a horrible mistress. I’m definitely discrete, so that’s not a problem. But, I don’t think I could handle making myself available to a man on his terms only. I imagine he could only see me when it was convenient for him. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night on a regular basis, answer my calls regardless of present company or do anything else like that says: I’m yours. On the contrary, if he was truly mine, he wouldn’t be married. Besides, in my mind, affairs are about sex. Just sex. Nothing else. From my past experiences sleeping around with guys who’ve had girlfriends, regardless if they said otherwise when we were together, if they got caught they told it like it was to their partners: It was just sex. She didn’t mean anything to me. Generally speaking, if The Other Woman mattered more than the wife, she wouldn’t be relegated to Other Woman status. Quite frankly, that’s why I’ve gone out of my way to make that point with each of the girlfriends who’ve recently linked with nuptialed men. It’s just sex. They’re my pals; I don’t want them to get hurt. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I haven’t been able to go all the way with men I knew were married. I don’t want to get hurt either.

Are you a married man who had (or is having) an affair? Have you been The Other Woman? Are you appalled by people who sleep around with people they shouldn’t? Reading How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught? Debating whether you’d like to sleep with a married man? Are you a married woman cheating on your spouse? One of the fun things about writing on Funky Brown Chick site is that I get to connect with a bunch of different people from various backgrounds who come here with many different experiences. You all know the drill: Agree or disagree with me and/or your fellow commenters if you’d like — just don’t be an asshole about it. So, feel free to leave your two cents below. Speak anonymously if it gives you the ability to be more honest.

Credit paid: Image is by Stephanie Hofschlaeger

  113 Responses to “Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men”

  1. I feel very strongly about infidelity.  I personally don’t really understand it.  I think very little of skanky women and men who sleep around.  You are giving yourself choices that your partner doesn’t have and engaging in behavior that potentially will not only scar them emotionally but  could affect them physically.  Is that fair?  Is that what you call love and respect?

    I grew up with a father who was a philanderer.  His need to follow his dick, I cannot comment on how that affected my mother but it did result in me growing up without a father. So infidelity is not a victimless fun-time “crime” If you honestly can’t keep it in your pants maybe you should not marry or marry someone who is OK with an open relationship.
    As for single women boinking married guys, I was unitentionally one of those and it felt lousy to have his wife call me and tell me what a whore I was when the real whore was her triffling husband. 

    Needless to say, I would not knowingly sleep with a  married man even if all I wanted was sex.  There are plenty of single guys out there.  Why should I take sloppy seconds? And who needs the drama?

  2. dondig: This was for the other person who took to name calling and threw out the word “skank” but you’re welcome to read it too.

  3. Twanna, I didn’t call you a skank.  If you’re a skank then so am I because I also slept with a married man not once but for nearly a decade.  Initially I did not know he was married, but by then I was caught up and thinking he would leave his wife (he said he would) he never did. 

    But yes, sleeping with people who are attached is skanky behavior let’s face that.  There’s nothing you can say to justify it.  Unless the divorce is going through at that very moment or they have been separated for years, but then how do you even know that’s true? 

    These men are running a game.  They’re telling you wifey doesn’t understand me, wifey won’t do this and she won’t do that.  You’re so young, sexy and scintillating that I’m breaking my vows for you!  And we swallow that sh* hook line and sinker.  And I really feel so sorry for the girl who like me falls in love with a selfish b* who doesn’t have the balls to man up and tell his wife he doesn’t want her and he’s leaving – or from day one I like to bed hop can you handle that?

    I hate the whole hypcrisy, deceit, and cowardice of it all.  I hope and pray that you don’t marry one day and find out to your shock and horror that the vows the man made with you were complete bullsh* and that he has been keeping a lover or two or even God forbid that he brings an STD to you like my ex did for me. 

    It bares repeating: if you want multiple partners stay single or if you want a relationship with lots of people try polyamory.  But don’t, don’t take vows to be faithful and true and then change the game.  There’s no getting around the fact that what you have done is wrong.  Period.  It just is.  And those that enable that knowingly are also wrong, and yes, they are skanky.

    • I am sleeping with two married men. Neither one has ever told me that they hate their wives or are unhappy or anything that would make you wonder why they are sneaking off with me once a week. They both seem to have very loving homes with kids they adore. They go to functions with their wives and seem to have a great life. Who says they don’t. They are both wealthy and have attractive wives. Why do they cheat? Because as one puts it ” sure I have fillet mignon at home but sometimes I just want pizza”. You can take that as you want. Wives are high maintenance and complicated. I am fun and simple. No demands. No questions. And sometimes we all need a little slice of a great pizza. It can be more satisfying and enjoyable than a piece of Kobe without the drama.
      I am not expecting them to leave their wives for me. I don’t want them too. I am quit content with my arrangement. I have my own life, they have theirs and then we have ours. We are discreet careful, respectful and have just one rule, no one gets hurt.
      I’m not a skank or a whore. You can believe what you want. What I think of myself is what counts. What anyone thinks of me is none of my business.
      It is just a physical escape for me and them. I don’t think they are bad men either. If you are hungry and there is no food in the fridge at home then you have to go out and get it.

      • Cece,  I’m sorry to say but you are living under darkness. Both the married men are taking undue advantage of you.  At some point you will understand that these men will lose their respect for you no matter how good they appear to be. They want you only for sex. If they are truly value you and respect you, they should be your good friends only.  You can go steady with a single man instead. If they find someone better than you, they may sleep with her as well.  It is for you to turn inward and reconcile your life. May God Help you in doing this…

      • I have no problem with grown ups doing what they want as long as everyone knows what’s up.  The wives have no idea what’s going on, it sounds like, and that’s something I could not be OK with.  But I realize lots of people enjoy having some on the side.  It’s difficult for some people to be satisfied with the same person for sex years on end. And they get attracted to or fall in love with other people. Or they are just sociopaths who enjoy cheating and deceiving those they have vowed their love and loyalty to.  It’s the last thing I object to, vehemently. It goes beyond whether you love sex a lot or whatever.  This is real moral stuff for me. Deception is not good in this case.  People get pregnant, get diseases, sh*t people get killed behind stuff like this.  I think your paramours are bad men, I won’t apologize for that.  They are endangering their families every moment they are with you and disrespecting the vows they made.  People like them and you should enter into an honest poly amorous situation where all partners know what is going on.  

      • Very refreshing to read a women who sees things like a man. As a married man I happen to have had this type of relation with a single women and it was just perfect for everybody for the time it lasted. When it ended nobody got hurt as the strings were honestly explained and accepted before the relations stated.
        Keep it up

  4. Thanks for the follow up and glad to know you weren’t calling us skanks. Sorry to hear about your ex. Sent you an email as well.

  5. Ugh. I can’t control another person’s behavior, but I certainly can control my own. To me that means not getting involved with someone who is clearly involved. In my book,even if their current relationship is “almost over” that doesn’t make it okay to go for it. Not getting tangled up with someone who is tangled up with someone else.
    but that is just me.

  6. I love this. Great piece.
    I recently slept with a married man and I do regret it, but not because of my morals, but because the woman emailed me.
    My reasoning is this,
    1) I am a single adult
    2) I did not enjoy it and i felt rather uncomforable, which is why i made it short
    3) He planned it! He called and asked to hang out and I had no idea of his intentions. He also told me he has been thinking of me during their sexual encounters.
    So who should she really be mad at?
    And since this is not his first time cheating, should she even be with him?

  7. @ Rachel… honey, I found your post so interesting that I stopped working on a big project to comment :)
    well, this is my take—(and mind you, I’m writing as a married woman) okay, here we go…
    the wife emailed you because it’s partly your fault too. You knew (I assume) beforehand, this man was married. Yes, you’re a single adult (as you pointed out) but it’s almost a slap in the face to not have regard for his wife—-men, lie. BELIEVE ME! The “other women” usually believe ohhh he doesn’t love her anymore, he fantasizes about me and not her blah blah blah…the truth of the matter is that—- there is a marriage involved, bottom line. Once a person chooses to step into that circle, they are vulnerable and may get just about anything in return. So my advice to you— duck! :)

  8. @Rachel
    Girl, give me a break. You knew what his intentions were.  And let me say, no single woman should be “hanging out” alone with any married man.  Particularly if you have not met the wife.  Two red flags right there.  In fact I would venture to say stay away from any attached man who does not know how to conduct himself as such.  As in telling single women he fantasizes about them. WTF?  Can you say slimy pervert?
    Now, should the wife be mad at her husband?  Oh, hell yeah.  Like slap some divorce papers on his cheating ass mad.  But she also has every right to be angry with you.  Just because you don’t know the wife, or she’s a bitch (or so he claims), or he came on to you or whatever lame excuses you or he would dream up to make your liaison OK – it ain’t okay.
    Yes, I find it morally reprehensible to sleep with someone else’s man.  It sullies me and it sullies him.  I’m sure there are plenty of single guys out there that would want you.  I don’t understand the allure of a married or attached guy.  I can dig the no strings nookie, but sleeping with a married guy has all kinds of strings attached.  Like his pissed off wife phoning or e-mailing you and calling you a whore. (This actually happened to me.  I didn’t know he was married when we hooked up.)
    So don’t try and act like just because you didn’t enjoy it and he made the first move that you’re some kind of doe-eyed naif.  We both know that’s utter BS.  Women who knowingly sleep with married or attached men are whores.  They’re worse than whores, because at least a whore gets something out of it.  And just so you don’t think I’m applying a double standard, the husband’s worse than a whore too.  He’s a douche bag of the highest order.  I don’t have enough insults for such a scum sucking philandering pig. 
    My advice: stay away from attached men.  They don’t leave their wives typically, they’re using you (and probably several other women on the side) and they’re stepping all over the heart of some poor woman who probably still loves his stupid a** Do you really need the drama?  For some sloppy seconds?  For real?  As I said earlier I’m not against casual sex, but there’s nothing casual about jumping a dude that’s already in a relationship.

  9. I was a mistress I am now his live in girlfriend…Ladies if your man is out there it’s because you either not sleeping with him have a dirty house have no maternal skills or sweetie he’s cheated on you before and your low self esteem behind took him back…So before you all cast stones look at yourselves what let’s your hubby step out of his home to be satisfied…You ladies make me sick If you would let him go as soon as you found out they were cheating they wouldn’t think you were stupid enough to keep cheating on…Get yourselves together I don’t care what life style I lived if he cheats on me he’s gone…Money no money kids no kids I have my dignity( i will not lay in bed with a man who has touched the flesh of another) Your pride ( show your children you will not toleratwe such blatant disrespect) your integrity (you let eat and sleep in your home when they come to see your children) man up ladies as the mistresses you may dislike us but you really hate yourselves…PATHETIC…blames yourselves men will only do to you what you allow them to do…

    • Millie—thank you for sharing your story. Although, I can not personally relate to your situation, because I am a wife and never have been a mistress— I can understand what you are saying. It’s interesting though—really it is. Because these replies are focused on what the women are not doing…who the women are (mistress/wife etc)…what the women will and will not take and so on. What about the men? Isn’t cheating a sign that the individual has little morals, values? What makes you think Millie—that your former cheating partner…now live in boyfriend will not turn around and do the same EXACT thing to do? Is this far fetched or reality? I am a wife and perhaps I think like one. Listen this is the real deal— men don’t do what they think they can—it comes down to either you have morals or you don’t. Bottom line. And, furthermore what makes you believe that you can change a man that once cheated on another? Food for thought.

      • I too at one time was the wife..and when he cheated I left I never gave him the opportunity to do it again. As a mistress the man i am currently with has had many indiscretions. and has always been welcomed back. Now as for morals Miko why should I have the morals I was not married or even dating at the time her HUSBAND made a play for me. So why are my morals being questioned. As far as food for thought if he cheats on me you can bet your bottom dollar he won’t be arounfd for long.

        Maybe if we stopped blaming the women they run too and start blaming the runner. Things would be different? I didn’t call my ex’s mistress or follow her around I BLAMED HIM not her…she was the supply to his demand 

  10. I’m newly driving a married man CRAZY yes I’m not in it for LOVE or FEELINGS I have things to do, places to go people to meet we happened to meet and 3wks later I guessed he’s married HOWEVER I’m into ME not him and he provides MONEY, GIFTS and sex how I want it when I want it now other than that I’m on a whole other level. I’m coldblooded, charming and doin My thang has NOTHING to do with him now men been doin this for years so don’t give me that you should be ashamed of yourself crap cause I’m NOT and ain’t gone be…by the way (poor guy cause i’m out to do me and drive him CRAZY in the process so it’s ME he gone be chasin, in fact I seldom if ever call him but he CALLIN ME off the chain CRAZY and openly pursuing me, confessing his feelings to me and ALL lol but ummm when i’m done with him i’ll let him know…peace,=…

  11. I think everyone’s lumping all “other women” into the same category.  When I met my husband, there was a spark I could not explain, thank God he wasn’t married!  I hadn’t been married before either and promised to remain that way at the time, thinking our relationship would not go the usual boring ugly way many marriages do. But guess what, only the absolute strongest apparently survive the ugliness of raising infants and small children together, we’ve been through a war and have the marks to prove it.  Now I find myself slowly more interested in a married man the more time I happen to spend with him.  I didn’t seek him out, just there he was.  I already know 2nd marriage wouldn’t work out for me, I’ve tried it and it has not panned out like I thought, I’d have to be crazy to think another marriage wouldn’t cause me to turn into the same miserable person with miserable behavior, why bring that on someone else now that I know how I change.  About being the other woman, I think insecure wives are the ones who absolutely cannot fathom cheating or being cheated on, b/c they don’t believe they could catch or be comfortable in bed with anyone else now that they’re stretched out, tired looking, overweight, and maybe no longer earning their own empowering paycheck.  Back to the man, it’s not about a relationship, I’m just curious as hell to the point of mild frustration how he is in bed.  At first I couldn’t think of him that way, he was too platonic to me, but without even meaning to I started to notice his stature, his strong arms.  Just once I’d like to see what he does with all of that so I can STOP imagining, and move on, preferably with someone who isn’t married someday, or hell maybe even with my husband.  I don’t want to ruin both our marriages b/c of my temporary curiosity, I want to borrow this man discretely, and give him back as promised, no worse for the wear, not lure him away from another woman, she’s not even playing into the picture I assure you.  I’m trying to see it from her perspective but failing unfortunately.  This is my first interest in a married man, however, this is also the oldest I’ve ever been, and I imagine the older you get, the harder it is to find unmarried men you happen to be attracted to?  What to do?  You only get one life, after all.   I’m not saying run around with several at once, in the same bed they share with their wife, unprotected, having their kids!!!  I’m saying put out the fire just once (or once in a while depending on your situation).  I’ve had my kids, permanently sterilized, and I’d have to say I’m somewhat choosy in my sexual interests (this is the first man I’ve actually wanted to sleep with since marrying my husband).  Bottom line, it’s not the fact that a man is married that attracts me to one, it’s an accidental carnal interest that builds over time without my consent, and without any alternative for recovery b/c he happens to be married.  I’ll either approach him about it eventually, or enough time will go by that my interest finally burns out, it’ll be a matter of willpower from both of us.  You don’t blast the occasional overeater or social drinker, what’s the difference here?

  12. I have to get this off my chest and away from my heart.
    I moved into a new complex, had some wine and introduced myself to all the neighbors in my building. One man who answered the door made me blush. He was cute and had that swagga that makes you wonder where he grew up and that it had to be outside of Suburbia.
    Anyway, his friend was over and his wife and 2-year old son were away in Peru. (She was Peruvian, he was not). He cooked me what they were eating; steak and potatoes. I said good bye, but he arrived at my door that night at midnight, asking to borrow a movie. It didn’t happen then. I was too embarrassed and he was bold enough to come over, but too timid to initiate a real physical move. I mean, not timid. Just waiting for me to let him know that I wanted it, too.
    The next weekend, he saw me as I pulled up in my parking space. Struck up conversation, asked me for my number and I gave it to him. He started texting me the whole night (eventually asking me to “send him a pic”. What the hell I look like 10th grade?), and I knew it was going to happen. He arrives after 2:00 in the morning; he has an affair and I f*ck a married man.
    I never saw him again ( he lives in my building, we’ve both been careful to avoid each other) until today. His son is at the foot of my steps to my place. I lock eyes with his dad and felt so overcome with guilt and regret, but still, eager to relive that night one month ago. Mental sex replays are a muthaf*cka.
    I shouldn’t do it. His wife is back, his son (who is just heartbreakingly adorable) is here.
    (Heavy sigh.)
    This was not what you were asking for in response to your post, but I felt like if a random stranger judged me for my indiscretion instead of my friends, I can live with that.
    I just needed to move this shit out of my head.

  13. I am a married man who has a six years older daughter. I was in love to my wife and didn’t hesitate to have a baby. I am very found of sex yet she doesn’t care much about it.  She is very workaholic. When we have sex she enjoys it and it takes her months to do it again! Doing it again with my wife sometime takes six months. She says she is sorry but she is not really found of it, besides she has more things to think about it like paying things and she is always tired since she works a lot and puts long hours. I love my daughter and she needs both a mom and a dad to grow up healthy.
    When I talked about my needs to my wife she feels or seems like she is  sad. However that doesn’t change anything! Ones she send me to a vacation to fool around and said do what ever you want to since I deserved it but don’t fall in love and come back to me. And she paid for the surprise vacation. She even rent a car for a week for me.
    I am a healthy man and very fond of sex. I barely get layed. I meet sexy women and get numbers but never call! I cannot lie neighter to the girl nor my wife! I am pretty confused what to do. I am first time sharing this with total strangers like you. So what do you think that I am supposed to do? Sometimes I am thinking to find a woman who feels the same. And accept me the way i am. I can cheat I can lie. I know I can. But that is not me..

    • Sorry to hear about that.  Time for a marriage counselor.  Your wife needs to know she is driving you to the brink and the two of you need to work on some strategies to ensure your needs get met.

  14. Hi all.
    I am having an affair with a married man for the past 5 years! He has ditsanced himself from his wife (they don’t sleep together anymore,he’s sleeps on the couch). I have cheated on him on numerous occassions. He can’t get over that. I really do love him and I know he loves me. But does this make sense to anyone

  15. Men who cheat on their wives deserve to be ashamed yes but so do women who sleep with married men.  What do you have to say about men who want to sleep with married women.  I guess these women get some kind of thrill out of being somehow superior to his wife of seducing him.  Sure the guy is ultimately responsible but don’t tell me a big part of the fun for the kind of women that do this is imagining that he isn’t.  And while men ultimately shouldn’t get off clean with the boys will be boys excuse it is genuinely quite hard for a man to resist a womans aggressive advances.  My other question is why the hell do married men who would sleep with you have an allure.  It means they are of fairly low character, or at least being of low character.  Time and time again I ask myself why do women sleep with total assholes/guys that are acting like total assholes?  And why does the “nice guy” so often get ignored.  Guess what guys have caught onto this so next time you’re complaining with your “girlfriends” about what assholes guys are keep that question in mind.  In a world where disrespecting women led to not getting laid well men would act a whole lot differently

    • If a woman knows the man is attached she is just as responsible as he is. You could argue that she is more responsible, because as you noted, it is difficult for men to resist a woman’s advances.  These relationships can’t happen without the green light from the woman.  We are the gatekeepers.

      I agree that cheaters are of low character.  I will also agree with you that a lot of women sleep with married men for the feeling of being triumphant over the wife and feeling superior, prettier, sexier than her.  A lot of the time that is rarely the case.  Men often cheat with women that are not as pretty or accomplished as the wife.  Just different.

      We all teach other people how to treat us.  If women stopped forgiving men for cheating on them and other disrespectful actions and demanded the respect they are due, men would act differently.  I think that is true.


        • hi…i have been to countless counciling sessions,but ntn seems to be helping in such a crucial situation.i am 19 years im dating a 27 year old married man(not legall)wat i mean is dat hes married only in churchnot registered..he has a 5 year old son from his wife .i have been dating him for the past 5 months and our relationship as been so good i love him so much i really do hes also the first guy i have had sex with,i dont know weta its bcoz of this that im attached to him but when we started dating he told me he was seperated fropm his wife dats the only reason i gt involved with him..now i found out he was still living with her for the past 4 mnths..i confronted him about it and he left the home but gave ha no reason …now he wants me to move with him on his own,,but every day he says me he has been with his wife for 15 years and he still loves ha but he cant leave ha coz his son is his life…but he also cant leave me coz he loves me…now i really dont know wat to do..how can i be sure he lovs me..u know i dont know wat to do he has told his family about me and dey love me to bit s but i dont wana hurt his wife but i love him…wat am i suposed to do now please be honest and give me sum advice especially dondig u quiet open minded

  16. I love seducing men…I cant help it! I love sex and passion so much. I could be at the market, look at all the men, and if a strong man, very masculine/strong looking…Hairy chested…I will start flirting w/him….maybe flash my bush at him, innocently…..nine times out of ten, that man will end up pumping away inside of my pussy….sensuous sex, in the backseat of my SUV. married or not, if a man makes me wett, I will sleep with him. the other day, this very attractive, strong built, newly married young black man, aged 24, a boxboy at the market. He helped me carry out my groceries…I asked him if he wanted to see and touch my pussy…of course he did, and we met after he got off at work…we got a room and he got off many, many times! Never had a black man before, but I never had a man go so deep up inside of me. He is also very obsessed with my blonde pubic hair (bush). He such a good lover…I am such a slut, but I love sexx and seduction so much.

    I may seduce/sleep with your husband today. If I want him, I will take him….on top of me and deep inside of me….What woukd my husband think?

  17. I fell for a married man 3 years ago, and our relationship lasted for about a year and half. At the time, I was young, foolish, and not thinking anything of myself. The relationship that we had was very bittersweet as I fell for all the things that he said. From the negative things he hates about his wife that he wish he could change, to the lovely things he says about what we have going on. Yes I knew that he was married, actually I met the wife the night before me and him hooked up. The time we spent together was the best time ever, and don’t get me wrong I still remanisce about it till this day, hoping that one day I will be abnle to accept that what we had was rather wonderful but yet WRONG and move on. I don’t know how to move on. but reading from the comments above it kinda help me to look at it at a different persective. So, advice on how I can let go would be great!!! =S

  18. I’m a young, single woman in a new city. I have been looking to meet people online, and was messaged by a very charming, very handsome married man. He let me know he was married after we’d messaged a few times back and forth. I probably should have cut it off right there, but I was curious as to why he would be messaging me in the first place. So I enquired. He has told me that his relationship with his wife is great, very loving, but she simply is not interested in sex anymore. They don’t have any kids, she doesn’t want them, he would love to have a child. Although he is willing to accept this situation for now, its an interest he is hoping he will be able to spark in her later on. They have not had sex in 8 months. He has never cheated on her, chatted online with other women, but never actually done the deed. (Or so he says)
    I mainly enquired because I was curious as to why a man’s eyes would stray from a woman that he is obviously in love with. He simply wants sex, is seeking it out, but still playing it safe by keeping his distance from behind a computer screen.
    We have talked about maybe meeting for coffee one day (a real coffee). I said I would consider it, but I really don’t know how I feel about messing around with him. I have never been with a married man, always said that I wouldn’t, but all of a sudden, I’m very intrigued. I’m not lonely, I have friends and lovers. I guess it is just the shear raw excitement of something you are not supposed to touch. So naughty.
    His wife doesn’t know, and is definitely not the type of woman that, like above, would buy him some tickets to go on “vacation”. This is sooo against my morals, and I’m really wondering what is going on with me that I would even consider meeting this guy for coffee, let alone thinking about giving him the Christmas present he should have gotten from his wife.

  19. Okay so I’m sleeping with a married man, for about 3 years. I found out early on he was married and the basic situation is due to cultural pressures, he was pretty much pushed into a marriage he didn’t want and she is scared of family and cultural pressures if they divorced so he is essentially staying in a loveless marriage, with little sex. I”m pretty sure she knows he is sleeping with someone else and I know little to nothing about her…no name, etc. While I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this, the sex is fantastic, and to be honest the way I justify it to myself is that I didn’t take the vows. Yes, that may be a scapegoat, but really, I haven’t allowed it to be more than a physical relationship. 

    • Krista, how do you know all that stuff your married lover is telling you is true? He’s probably lying.  Men will say anything to get a woman on the hook sexually.

      No, you did not take the vows but since you knew he was married you’re equally at fault for whatever the fall out might be.  If I was you, I would get out of this situation.  There are plenty of single men and men with integrity.  

      And I totally don’t believe that your relationship is just physical.  Please. Do you believe that?  Three years and there’s nothing but sex.  That’s bullsh**

  20. I know a married couple who are fanatastic together, yet the husband has cheated several times.  Not just one night stands, but for months at a time with one mistress at a time.  He loves his wife, they both seem happy.  The only problem they seem to face is that he gets jealous of her first boyfriend (who she keeps in contact with) and that their sex life could be more than just occassional.  I asked him why he does it, he has no idea and feels he doesn’t have the right to be jealous of her.  Deep down I believe he feels threatened by the first boyfriend and tries to save future hurt by become the cheater.  His affairs are basically sex, even though he does care for them as a person/friend, just not love.  This case has me totally puzzled as I’ve always admired their seemingly “perfect” relationship.

  21. I have been cheated on by my husband and i have cheated on my husband because of he hurt .I come from a broken home ,abusive marriage .right now I am seeing a married man. He restored me .we are best friends and makes me feel good about myself. He made plans to see me more .for me it is not about home wrecking .if i wanted to do it I could have done so long time ago. I just want to be loved and have lots of sex with no strings. Sex with him is amazing and lasts for hours. We do every position . I am top of him ,he on top of me.He cums deep inside me and on me .Really turns me on. our understanding is when I meet someone special then I can leave him .He says he will never leave me and never has not for the past 4 years .I love him and we are best friends.Whoever married person feels I am a whore ,i don;t care ,married partners also have a responsibility to look after there husbands and take care of them and there needs,otherwise they would not have been looking around .

    • you sleep with a married man without protection???? Your a PIG…He goes home and makes love to his wife??? I don’t care what he tells you…I have slept with a married man and now he left his wife for me but sleeping with a married man without protection just makes you a class A SLOB

  22. I’ve never understood why so many women were willing to enter a relationship with someone they know is already engaged in another one. When a woman sleeps with a man she knows is married, she knows that the wife is going to be hurt, but she does it anyway. How than can the morals of the mistress not be called into question, just as much as those of the husband? Is the hurt one will cause to another so easy to dismiss? is it so easy to live with the knowledge that one is the kind of people who chose to hurt someone to satisfy their own desires?

    • It6’s like going for a job interview and the person your going to replace still works for the company you don’t care why the company is letting them go your just replying to the ad…The company advertised the job your just looking to fill the position if the company doesn’t care about it’s loyal employee why should you 

  23. I don’t think it’s an accurate analogy, really. An employee renders a service in exchange for money. This is business. The emotional context is completely different, or at least it should be. I don’t know anyone who expect their company to love them and stay with them for better or worse. I also know of no company that promise anything like this to its employees.

    • An employee renders a service in exchange for money…
      Mistresses get paid and none of the dream of the white wedding…They just supply to the demand

  24. I read the story of affair with a married man. I feel sorry for the woman who is taken for a ride. Hope she does not end on bad roads.

  25. i posted in nov 2009 under the name caught up and before i continue with my response i am proud to say that i am no longer caught up. my affair ended in sept of last year. i ended it. i got to a point where i just wasnt happy with myself anymore. everytime i looked in the mirror i was disgusted with who and what i had become and i just slowly started to pulll away. it was hard cause he would pop up at the house and he called constantly. but i wouldnt answer the door or his calls. i had had enough of being his sideline hoe. period. today i am a very happy single woman who isnt even dating. i am focused on raising my children and getting to know myself. being willing to be involved with a married man let me know that there are some issues within myself that i need to work out. i deserve my own full time man and when i am ready to be in a relationship thats what it will be. and its gonna be a while before im ready for that.  ive cleaned up my life in several areas. developed a relationship with god and i see how hes working in me as a person and in my life. all i could do was shake my head when i read my previous post. while i am not ashamed of the affair i am glad that i serve a forgiving god and im glad he cared enough about me to save me from my own stupidity and self destruction. i pray to god that when i get married my husband is faithful to me but if he isnt ill just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it because we reap what we sow.  

  26. Major thankies for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Keep writing.

  27. At the end of your life, you will be held accountable for all the evils you have commited.

    • You are exactly right when they stand in front of God naked and they can tell no more lies they will answer for all the pain that these little girls have caused but i guess if you don’t believe in anything but your pussy then it doesn’t matter…

  28. Yes, i’ve had an affair with a married man who i wasn’t attached to at all. I guess for me it was an emotional thing. I knew he was married… he knew i had a terrible heartbreak. I just wanted time for myself to explore my options. unfortunately fortunate, i chose the married man.

    He designs womens clothing… and well i was called to model for him. I’m no model–i have an amazing career, but i just wanted to know a designer. I sat, talked, and hit it off. We had a bottle of champagne.. loud music.. and started dancing. In my head, i kept thinking this is a cool guy.. someone i wouldn’t mind being a friend with.
    We didn’t get intimate, but we did kiss and i backed off saying.. Woah you’re married.

    All went well… we just laughed it off.. and i went back home thinking i’m an idiot. Following week, i went to pick up my dress.. and he didn’t charge me.. he apologized for making me feel uncomfortable… when in all sincerity, i didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.. i figured it’s just one of those things.. he’s a nice guy.. would never want a relationship with.. but can’t help being attracted to.
    Again, talked.. laughed.. and decided we’d grab a bite to eat.. I asked him about his family..

    he had a son, a wife–whom he married because he just needed to be married and she needed to be married. now i’m thinking in my head, sure he’s just saying that to get in my pants. BUT HECK i can’t help being attracted to him.. Good pheromones i guess… He specifically said to me, “my wife knows i’m always surrounded by beautiful women. I’ve had many sexual encounters with women which i find to be spiritual and mutual.” He went off explaining why he was physically attracted to me.. Said i reminded him of an affair he had when he was younger (not his first love.. but an affair) He even told me, he went to that affairs wedding.

    I’m fascinated by the entire story, thinking, is it really wrong? my ex and i had problems due to another woman.. he left me for another woman. and the thought of it kept repeating in my head. Just like every other woman i was blaming the woman.. when i should have blamed the man. So now i’m starting to realize it was the MAN who actually played the biggest role in this. and now i just didn’t want any commitment whatsoever.

    To make it short, the next time i saw my designer friend, i had so much anger built up inside me, i drank and drank.. danced.. had a good time.. and started making out with him. i wanted to see a reaction out of him… i guess.. and didn’t get intimate—again.. and i did get a reaction.

    The reaction was, “you are a beautiful woman.. and you deserve a good man. I’m so attracted to you… you turn me on.. but alas i have to go home to my wife.”

    That same night, on the local station, i see my friend and his wife being interviewed.. The reporter asks the wife, “how do you feel about **** working with many women” his wife laughs and replies, “The industry is full of beautiful women, but I’m the one he returns to at the end of the night and my ring is still on my finger.”—they laugh it off.

    So that’s where it began. I continued to see him.. and we got intimate every time.

    The fortunate part was I felt comfortable knowing that i didn’t have to commit to him at all. He knew i didn’t want commitment for him.. our friendship grew.. and all i wanted was for him to keep his wife extremely happy.

    I know it’s not alright.. i know it’s wrong to do this.. but i feel no emotional bond with him and i can detach whenever i feel it, without getting mine or his feelings hurt.

    The Unfortunate part is, i have met his wife.. and i know she knows. because she gives me one of those half-ass smiles which translate to.. i’m watching you.

    I dont’ know.. i’m a horrible person… i’m responsible for my own actions.. but i just don’t feel it being wrong.

  29. I have just slept with my married exboyfriend and I am fully aware of the wrong I have done, not just morally for myself, but also to his wife. This all started back in high school, he was my first serious boyfriend, well, my first everything. We dated for a little over two years and had a pregnancy scare, so I knew how he felt about having children, he did not want any at this time of his life. Understandable, we were in high school. We talked of going to college together, getting married and the type of house we’d live in and how many kids we’d have. As time went on our senior year, he began hanging out with other people, broke off our relationship. The connection we had was so strong, we continued to see eachother periodically. Then during Spring break, I met a great guy and we hit it off. I stopped all communication with my exboyfriend and started a serious relationship with who would become my ex husband. Not long after meeting my now ex husband, I found out I was pregnant and it definitely was my exboyfriend’s child. My ex husband said he wanted to marry me no matter that I was pregnant with someone else’s child. This is what happened in short version, we married had 3 children, marriage soured due to his cheating and the truth was told to my teenage son for the first time in his life that he had a different father (not in a nice way). My son searched out and made contact with his very shocked, married father, my exboyfriend. They continue to have their own relationship, I in the meantime became divorced after my ex husband cheated. This is where I am so emotionally confused! My exboyfriend contacted me an wanted to talk about our son. From the get go he made it clear he wanted to continue where we left off with just a sexual relationship, nothing more because he would never leave his wife or their daughter. I had told him I would not want to even consider that because he was married and I knew how a woman who had been cheated on felt like. As I left, we hugged and all the smells and feelings came back of what we were. One thing led to another and we had sex. After all of this, we said it would be between us, just sex and we would act like it never happened. Now I am mentally just a mess, which I know I deserve much worse. I know what I should do morally, but I can’t stop thinking about him. What to do?

  30. I have a friendship with a married man who I’m very attracted to and who has asked me to have sex with him. I’ve turned him down because I don’t feel right about it, and he accepted that respectfully, but we’ve continued to be in contact and we often talk about the attraction we feel for each other. He seems to have a good relationship with his wife and he’s never tried to tell me otherwise. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t feel guilty about wanting to sleep with another woman – because I feel guilty – and he says marriage is no fairytale, people are not perfect and he doesn’t believe in absolute right or wrong. Part of me thinks, fine – it’s his marriage and that’s how he sees it. But another part of me thinks that’s not going to be how his wife sees it.
    I like him, I get a lot of pleasure from just being around him and I really want to sleep with him, but I still don’t know what to do.

    • Run, don’t walk away from this guy. Put yourself in the wife’s shoes and find another friend. He is probably running a game on you. All married men looking for extra are going to say “I’m not happy” “My wife doesn’t do this, that or the other thing.” It’s bullshit most of the time. If he’s that unhappy, he should get a divorce. Do not sleep with this man. He has no integrity and you obviously do, so seriously, walk away. You’ll just end up hating yourself. Take it from me.

  31. Why is cheating seen as something fun? Does anyone thing about the emotional trauma and psychological scars it causes?
    My father had affairs and it is still causing me to have trust issues with men. I Hope i will be able to get over this one day and trust someone enough to marry them.

  32. It seems to me the other woman is always being blamed. I have personally played both sides of the field. I have been cheated on, and I have helped them cheat. The only thing I can say which is “positive” in my favor, is that I have never cheated. Anyway, that is far beside the point. I would not stay with a cheater, and I would not cheat. I believe if one is not happy they should change it, work on it, or stop it.

    In the last year and a half, I was left for another woman, my son’s father cheated on me and left us for another woman. It tore me up inside, it hurt, but it also darkened and dulled my morals. I think I have few morals left to speak of when it comes to sleeping with married men. I do not initiate it, I refuse them, and question their motives, and eventually it just seems to lead to sex.

    The first one constantly made sexual remarks, it went on for months with the remarks and me reminding him he was married. Months down the road, we had sex. He told his wife, she stayed with him, and she hates me. Oh well. Her choice to stay with someone who was so willing to cheat on her not even a year into the marriage.

    The second one says he is trying to be happy but can’t, feels he is locked into a marriage, and she openly acknowledges that as fact. I kept telling him he is married and yet it still led to sex. Great sex.

    Now, the real question here is this: would I do it again? Yes. It was the most passionate, frenzied, fulfilling sex of my life. Plain and simple, I don’t want a relationship, I think they are lies, I just want sex. Sadly, it seems like it is only the married men who want sex. Single men do not seem to flirt with, initiate, or even propose the idea of sex. Who am I to refuse what I want and what they obviously want? I understand the hurt that being cheated on and left can cause, believe me how I understand, but I also understand that as a woman, one should have the self-worth to red-flag a cheater and get the f*** out.

    Do I think any kind of relationship would come of sleeping with a married man? No, they are cheaters… Does it make me feel bad that I have slept with a married man, or two, or three? No. The only thing that makes me feel bad is that I no longer feel bad about it. For all the talk of the downfall of society that I do, I am part of the cause.

    I wish fully that I understood why I do not care anymore, when at one point in my life I was adamantly against it, but I do not. Morals change as times change, I am not committed to anyone, and nor are they apparently. My questions to all you avid readers and commentators is this:

    How do you explain attraction or morals? What makes something moral on a whole global level? There are plenty of norms in other societies that say it is okay to sleep around, if you are a man, but as a woman, it is death worthy. Why do women always take the blame? How can you decide if something is moral for another human being or not, morals are not laws, and they differ from person to person.

    • I can understand where you’re coming from, but I do not condone it. What I think is interesting is how some people can experience great hurt and go on to do better, be determined not to inflict the same time of pain on others, and how some people do the opposite. It doesn’t surprise me people like you.

      Not all relationships are lies. Many are, but not all. I guess I’m more optimistic than you are. Women always take the blame for one simple reason: this is a man’s world. They make the rules and it’s their privilege to be able to exercise their sexuality how they deem fit and vto their benefit. That’s just the way it is. To my way of thinking the woman that cheats with the married man is just as much to blame as he is. She is complicit in hurting the other woman. But from the wife’s perspective, the husband deserves more of her anger, rarely is all the anger directed at him. Certainly though the other woman deserves equal blame. Extramarital sex simply does not happen without the woman’s say so. Consensual sex is decided always by the woman and women know this.

      Your comment about single men not initiating sex is just an excuse. You throw sex in any man’s face and he’s going to take it. So that’s a bunch of BS you’re talking. Single men are always running around hard up for some nookie. Ninety nine point nine percent of their waking thoughts are about how they can get laid. You’re just a filthy cum dumpster for immoral men who want some pussy on the side. You are being used.

      • Interesting that you can insult someone online, I do not mind. I am sure it makes you feel better somehow. A for effort though. As for single men, I am not lying, the only men I have come across that want to have sex are married. As for being out to hurt other people, that is not what I am about, it is not as though I am thinking blatantly about hurting someone else but think or believe what you will.

        As far as being some “pussy on the side” do you think that bothers me, or any other woman who willing has sex with a married person? Sadly, it does not, and unless the woman has some vendetta against the wife, I do not believe it is about hurting them. Sometimes things happen, it is what it is.. It is a part of life.

        You are absolutely correct that the woman has control of the situation, 100%. However, if the man isn’t trying to get it, or doesn’t want it, then it won’t happen. So again, blame the woman, that is fine. It is a man’s world but how long will that last? Only time will tell.

        Single, not single, involved, married, separated, what difference does it make? You throw your insults and comments around, but if you read in my post, I fully take blame for what I have done and may do again. I am part of the problem with society. The simple fact of the matter is regardless of how someone might feel about things, it does not change the circumstances.

        In my experience, 99% of all relationships are lies, based on lies, or simple shows for one’s religious beliefs; the reality of it is, people are not happy but do nothing to change it. Sorry if my post offended you, as it clearly did, the question was about morals in general, not about my own morals or about what I may choose to or not to do with my body, time, and sexuality. Thank you for the reply though. :)

        • If you accept what you do, then accept that people think you’re skanky. Man and woman are equally to blame. And yep, it is what it is, I suppose. I have another perspective on the whole thing. I was the child of the wife who was taken along with her father on his trysts with the other woman who became his wife. I was the child who watched her father drift away, her mother suffer while she carried my brother (and the mistress carried my half brother). I guess in my mind morals are not hurting others to pursue your selfish pleasures. Pleasures you could easily get elsewhere. I hope and pray for you that you never encounter a vengeful spouse like my great uncle did. His wife caught him messing around and stabbed him in the chest. To me the pain and horrors of infidelity far outweigh the pleasures. But apparently for a lot of people they don’t care. Too bad those people can’t be identified ahead of time. I think you’re right about relationships. There can be a lot of lies, but that’s all relationships. It’s just a matter of degrees.

          • Relationships should not have lies. I understand that relationships can have fights and arguments, but lying is simply ignorant. If one is too afraid to, doesn’t want to, or does not feel the need to tell the truth, maybe there is a problem there as well.

            As for the life you had to grow up in, I am very sorry. I can only imagine how hard that must have been. I grew up in a home of love for the first few years. Then my mother went off the deep end, choosing to stay out partying, sleeping around, and doing drugs. My mother’s lifestyle resulted in my having to grow up and parent my infant sister, and a divorce for my parents. So, I can sort of empathize with your childhood.

            As far as people thinking I, or any other woman/man who sleeps with others is skanky, more power to them. I am not worried about what others think of me, they likely aren’t either. Believe me when I tell you I am trying to figure out WTF happened to my morals and why I choose to go down this path of not caring. It feels like a self-destructive war path. I came to this forum looking for anyone who has issues similar to mine. I am sure the answers will one day come. However, in the mean time, I will be safe and discreet with what I choose to do.

            I have not an issue admitting when I am wrong but when things do not feel wrong there has to be a problem, right? How does one rationalize and make sense of something to others when it doesn’t even make sense to themselves?

        • I agree with you!

  33. I find myself in a situation that perplexes me and that I am struggling to reconcile. I’m single, but have been in relationships, good relationships with real friendships. I enjoy sex, believe that to do so is healthy and important for the soul, and have always maintained high morals. I’ve never betrayed a relationship, nor have I been betrayed. By chance, I met a man the other evening and found him extremely attractive. I was in a foreign country and met him through mutual friends at dinner. We all went to a bar afterwards. This man and I talked, about a range of subjects, openly and frank. It was refreshing for both of us. We arranged to catch up a few days later, and whilst we didn’t sleep together (we kissed), we certainly would of had we had condoms available. He is married. He will be coming to my country in the near future, and asked whether I would like for him to contact me. I would like to see him as I enjoy his company, and want to sleep with him. He has a wife and children and I have no reason to believe that he isn’t happy with his marriage. I don’t have a desire to have a relationship with him, we live in separate countries. I have always found cheating to be abhorrent, and do not condone it. Yet, I now find myself in a position where I don’t feel as guilty as I think I should for what has to date happened, and for what I would like to happen. We enjoy each others company, it will be an extremely limited experience, and we are both adults, aware of our individual situations. The great surprise to myself, is that I know and to a large part agree with all of the arguments re how this is morally reprehensible. However, I find myself having crossed a boundary (and wanting to continue to do so albeit it once) I swore I would never cross, yet don’t feel that I am doing anything wrong. We are two consenting adults, responsible for the decisions that we individually make.

    • Hello,

      That is the exact conflict within oneself that I speak of. What are morals when it does not feel wrong? Consenting adults are responsible for their individual choices; who are we, as adults, humans, individuals to judge others for their choices? The problem is, after once depending on how each of you feels, it might happen again.

      In my experience, when something feels wrong, it must be wrong. However, if it does not feel wrong then why is it wrong? For example, we might do something that feels right but another person’s morals says it is wrong, 100%. How does that make it wrong? Simply because one individual says it is wrong does not make it wrong. One might say we are toying with the Id, a Freudian belief that we feed our primal needs and urges. Maybe this is the case, but if it is, why is it wrong? As infants we are driven solely by the Id. Yes, our superego develops and it tries to govern our choices and kick the guilt in… Sometimes it fails, or it simply does not feel the situation is wrong.

      The only thing I can say is be careful with a “one time” ordeal.. Sometimes they stay as a one time ordeal but other times they carry on, involving more than simply sex. This is when it can be dangerous to everyone involved.

      I am no saint, and I am not the best to give advice, as you can tell from other people’s responses to me, however; we only live once, why fight something like that and live with the “what if’s” that might follow. Enjoy yourself, be safe, courteous, and conscientious of yourself and the other party. Live your life. Follow your heart, your soul, your mind… Do so with conscientiousness. :)

      • Thank you so much ‘What are morals’ and ‘Intellectually curious’for your posts. I find myself in sorta similar shoes to you both and it is reassuring to know I am not completely alone and crazy in my thoughts!

        My story short, I’ve always gone with what I feel is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in my little heart and this has consistently put me in good stead. I seem to make good decisions and have very few regrets. I THINK I am a generally kind and compassionate girl, get kicks out of helping others and am particulaly honest and upfront about most of my doings.

        My past eighteen months have completely thrown all that. My married boss at work turned into a friend, then a flirty friend, and somewhere along the slippery track, a lover. All this despite much hesitancy on my side and a smidgeon on his. All in all, to me, I’ve just felt like any ‘ol girl falling for any ‘ol guy. It felt good. It felt right…

        …except for those god damn ‘morals’…

        But to my take on marriage first. I agree with you,
        I too think most marriages are bursting with lies. Cheating being a big fat obvious one. And when the lovely wife finds out, the big fat lie is uncorked and out hobbles all the little lies in its’ wake. But I think that it is THEIR marriage, that it is THEIR lie. The deviant, social monster that is ‘the other woman’ is ulitmately just an insignificant accessory to their own crime.

        As for me, I have chosen to stop seeing my man. I have broken my own heart, because I don’t want to be associated with their lies. I don’t want to be the bottle opener. I don’t want to see either of them hurt even if all the ingredients for pain still exist without me.

        But it is so god damn hard to walk away.

        In all truth, it feels ‘unnatural’ and ‘wrong’ to not answer his calls. Not seeing him feels like the most dishonest thing I have ever done in my life. I have no regrets in all my doings with him. My only regrets are my not doings.

        So I guess I went against my own morals twice. The first, when I started seeing him, the second, when I stopped seeing him. Go figure. x

  34. This sounds kind of like, “Hate the game; not the player.”

  35. I just knowingly slept with a married man. We met at a bar a month ago, got talking, exchanged numbers, he persistently messaged and suggested meeeting up, witout mention of a wife, he is in the states, where his wife is and we are both living in Asia, I wasn’t really interested and kept dodging the meetups. Then a week ago, I go back to the bar, it’s my favourite, and obviously his aswell, and we meet, and a friend mentions his wife….but still, it happened. I know nothing about his life, his wife, and I don’t feel any shame or guilt. I didn’t do the pursuing or force him to sleep with me, quite the opposite. No force or anything like that insinuates….but you know what I mean. He was the pursuer.
    I don’t know why he cheats, if he’s unhappy, anything like that. I have cheated on my boyfriends before and whilst generally things haven’t been the absolute best, sometimes situations present themselves and you just think why the heck not.
    It’s for this reason I am not going to get married, I’ve seen too many married/engaged men act out their desires. Sure I wouldn’t like it if someone slept with my husband, so I don’t put myself in that situation. We can’t control anybody.
    You can’t blame the woman, unless she actively seeks out and seduces the married man, I think that is a different story, but if two consenting adults meet, and sparks fly, and I’m single…..then I can still live with myself and get to sleep at night.
    Maybe this sounds selfish, sociopathic, heartless, but at least it’s honest.

  36. To those making general statements about all men cheating is a hogwash! Not all men cheat just because the ones you know and have engaged in infidelity do, doesn’t mean all ment cheat. My dad didn’t cheat on my mom, and neither did my beloved stepdad, and mom and stepdad were married and committed to each other for over 30 years. Those of you who don’t want to get married because you’ve concluded that it’s a lie, then don’t, but don’t act like you’re making some grand discovery for all to participate in because that is your truth, not mine.

    My story is like this: from 19 to 35 years old, I’ve had short term sexual flings with married men sporadically between rebounds and breakups. If I had to do it all over again, I would of been stronger and said no, I only want to be platonic friends, not friends with benefits, not a wannabe mistress, not a sextext buddy, but platonic friends. I was on a self-destructive path that led me to a world of hurt, guilt, shame, and pain. I wasn’t the time of woman who sought married guys as some kind of conquest, or competition to be the best lover he’s had outside his wife, or even to take the married man away from his wife. No, I had no interest at all of being a mistress, and I can’t think of one married man I was with where he paid one bill or rent. And let me tell you, the guilt is indescribable. It’s like heavy weights on your shoulders.

    For those of you being callous and thinking payback isn’t a bitch, or it will not happen to you because you have it all together and figured out, THINK. AGAIN! Payback is coming for all of you who’ve cheated on wives, husbands, and with those who are married. Let me tell you, I gave up sleeping with married men permanently because I wanted to be a wife someday and I hated the empty feelings and what I was doing.Even after my painful divorce, I still want to get married once more, for good.

    Back when I was sleeping with married men, I only wanted the security of being married and found those qualities attractive in a man. But those men, as nice as they were, are liars, cheaters, and have integrity and character issues. Ladies, if he’ll cheat on his wife, don’t think you pussy is made of rainbows and life changing dreams. It’s not. You are there for one thing only: sexual fulfillment from a married man. You are not his marriage and sex therapist, his confidante, his best friend, so stop trying to make yourselves out to be more than what you really are: easy lays for married men. I can say that because I was there. I’ve never, ever wanted to fight the wife, replace the wife, stalk the wife in anyway. I was jealous that they were special enough to get married and I wanted to get married in my confused and selfish state.

    I’ll say this. I got my payback in spades. Understand? IN.SPADES. I got married, and my marriage only lasted a few short years, but I was so deeply in love with him. My health deteriorated, my finances dried up, and I couldn’t find work for two years after my divorce. When my ex-husband fell out of love with me, and I realized that I couldn’t hold onto a man who didn’t love me, so we divorced. I was in the most heartbreaking experience in my entire life, and my divorce was just as traumatic as my childhood when my parent’s divorced. My ex-husband and I are civil and the divorce was amicable, and I still loved him a year after my divorce. However, when I left, I knew I wasn’t coming back. He gave up on me and that left me devastated. When I met my now ex-husband, he and I were both single with no kids and no crazy exes.

    During the time of our separation, I met this hot and sexy man at the gym, and the attraction was strong and powerful, I would literally dream of him in the middle of the night and wake up wet. however, I couldn’t and would not cheat on my ex-husband because I loved him to much and wanted it to work. The time came and my ex-husband met someone else during our legal separation. I granted him a divorce without drama and walked away. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life over a man. That pain ripped through me. He’s a good man and we still have friendly text. Thankfully there were no kids involved. I wish him the best, and I’m a better person because I felt everything a wife goes through when a marriage dies. And now 2 years later, I’m healing with the help of support groups and counselors. During the demise of my marriage, I worked on my spiritual life as well. I’m going to be a better me. Now at early 40+, no kids, single, regaining my health and employed again, and haven’t dated since my divorce nor had sex in over 3 years. I wanted time to heal completely before dating again. As I type this post, for the first time in a very long time, I feel good about I’m becoming a healthier and stronger woman one step at a time. Sure I get lonely, but I will not settle for half a man when I want all of him.

    I tell all the married women who have had their hearts broken over the lies their husband tells by cheating on them with other women: I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. My motto is to married men: you are as useless to me as a bisexual man. I’m Not your counselor, your sanctuary, your therapist, your conscious. I will never, ever be with another married man again for as long as I live, and I no longer find the married actors I use to fantasize about a turn on. I’m standing on new ground built with solid materials. To the married men devoted to your wives, may God bless and keep you always.

    Thank you for letting me share my story.

    • To add: married men who cheat on their wives are dirty, low down bottom feeders. These married men giving you single women all the attention and money they should be investing in his legally married wife are not great catchers for you. Stop making excuses as to why a married man made the choice to cheat on his wife with you. Trust me, there were some married guys who were good, but what is it in their character that compels them to cheat and not just simply divorce their wives? the opportunity to have their cake and eat it too. And when I look back, I truly regret being with each and every married man I’ve every slept with. I will never be with a man who has a live in girlfriend or a long term one. If he’ll cheat on his girlfriend and wife with you, he sure as hell will not have a great epiphany and remember to respect his side piece and mistress because love has found him. No. he’ll cheat on you, so prepare yourself. If you think you’re going to be scot-free because you decide you don’t want to ever married, don’t think payback is going to pass you by.

      And to Tawana, I’m not posting to you because you did it once and you were lied to. You’re except from payback that’s coming to all the posters responding to your blog about feeling some kind of pride in having attention from married. There is a saying about forbidden fruit, but look what happened to those who eat the forbidden fruit? Separated from paradise and fell into great despair. It’s not worth it. To those of you toying with the idea of being with a married man, please don’t do it. Say no, mean it. All this bullcrap talk about powerful attractions to a married man is justification for laying down and spreading your legs in order to absolve yourself from guilt. Nope, not a chance. Payback will catch up to you. Like one poster said, put your big girl panties on and deal.

      To the lying, cheating married men, I’ve seen what old age does to old cheaters when they start losing their looks, money, health, and it’s not a pretty sight. So you think you’re doing you and getting away with it. NOPE. Count on your payback as well, more so than the single women you pursue. I’ve seen what happened to men in my family who died broke, rundown, penniless, and desperate single women sucking them dry.

      Payback is coming for you. Brace yourselves. What goes around, comes around. IN. SPADES.

  37. Yes. I feel bad that my married partner wife doesn’t know. I don’t feel morally wrong though. They aren’t happy but don’t want to live through custody battles and divorce court. Having been there I agree- divorce sucks, and it’s not always ‘better tha staying in a unhappy marriage’. His biggest problem is having a desire for passion but no outlet. He doesn’t not love his wife. He’s not going to leave her. I doubt she would ever give him a divorce. He is my friend we talk, laugh, hang out and occasionally fall into bed. (a week or so every six months) I don’t want him as my husband. He is working things out in his family a way that works. I sometimes even feel like their marriage is better because he has an outlet. I don’t see him when I have a boyfriend. I wish, honestly, for my friends happiness. Maybe someday he will fix his issues via divorce or counseling. For now he has sex therapy. Yes I’d face her, I’d be scared but I’d face her.

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