Nearly half a dozen of my single girlfriends recently told me they’ve had (or are currently having) affairs with a cheating spouse. Interestingly, when I mention this to others — without outing anyone of course — the responses from outside the community are a bit the same. “Homewreckers!” “These women should know better.” “Wow, did she say WHY she’s going after someone’s husband?” These reactions strike me as strange for two reasons. First, the focus is always on single women. I don’t fault them for dating taken men. They aren’t cheating on their partners; the men are. Take Mashonda‘s eloquent plea to Alicia Keys, for example. (Quick story in case you missed it: Alicia Keys is allegedly having an affair with Mashonda’s husband, producer Swizz Beatz.) She berates Keys’ “constant displays of selfishness and disconcern to me and my son” and barks “you know how you contributed to the ending of my marriage.” It’s glaringly apparent the rant places blame squarely on The Other Woman instead of the Husband. If the rumors are correct, Swizz Beat — much like David Letterman and countless other (albeit less famous) men — had consensual sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife. Which reminds me, I said there were two reasons I don’t “get” why people get riled up about others’ affairs. Here’s the other: If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. (Clarification: That is, if PERSON A is married to PERSON B and cheating with PERSON C, it’s no one’s business except A, B, C and others directly related to the affair.)
To my knowledge, I’ve only slept with one married man. It was a British guy from my first summer in New York, and I’ve written about him before. A white dude with brown hair and blue eyes, he told me he had a high-paying, fancy Wall Street job in lower Manhattan. He was cute. I was attracted to his face and his British accent, not his money. I bought my own drinks to prove it. He told me was single. We flirted for hours over countless beers and cocktails until I eventually took him home. We had sex, but it wasn’t especially good. (Probably my fault as much as it was his; we’d both had a lot to drink.) In any case, once it was over, he asked, “Do you mind if I go home?” I told him he was free to leave if he wanted. I wasn’t going to beg him to sleep over. His response was: “My wife wouldn’t like it if I stayed.” When I reminded him said he was divorced, he replied something like: “Divorced. Separated. Unhappily married. What’s the difference?” Mind you, I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.
Would I sleep with a guy I KNEW was married? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t. Yet. Though, I’ll admit it: Their raw appeal has a certain je ne sais quoi. No, fuck that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Married men are the unknown, forbidden fruit I’m not supposed to desire. I’m subversive and, within limits, I like doing things I’m not supposed to. That said — although I’ve been naked and, yes, had sex with several women’s boyfriends — I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger. For better or worse, I’d probably be a horrible mistress. I’m definitely discrete, so that’s not a problem. But, I don’t think I could handle making myself available to a man on his terms only. I imagine he could only see me when it was convenient for him. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night on a regular basis, answer my calls regardless of present company or do anything else like that says: I’m yours. On the contrary, if he was truly mine, he wouldn’t be married. Besides, in my mind, affairs are about sex. Just sex. Nothing else. From my past experiences sleeping around with guys who’ve had girlfriends, regardless if they said otherwise when we were together, if they got caught they told it like it was to their partners: It was just sex. She didn’t mean anything to me. Generally speaking, if The Other Woman mattered more than the wife, she wouldn’t be relegated to Other Woman status. Quite frankly, that’s why I’ve gone out of my way to make that point with each of the girlfriends who’ve recently linked with nuptialed men. It’s just sex. They’re my pals; I don’t want them to get hurt. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I haven’t been able to go all the way with men I knew were married. I don’t want to get hurt either.
Are you a married man who had (or is having) an affair? Have you been The Other Woman? Are you appalled by people who sleep around with people they shouldn’t? Reading How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught? Debating whether you’d like to sleep with a married man? Are you a married woman cheating on your spouse? One of the fun things about writing on Funky Brown Chick site is that I get to connect with a bunch of different people from various backgrounds who come here with many different experiences. You all know the drill: Agree or disagree with me and/or your fellow commenters if you’d like — just don’t be an asshole about it. So, feel free to leave your two cents below. Speak anonymously if it gives you the ability to be more honest.
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Credit paid: Image is by Stephanie Hofschlaeger
{ 90 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello Twanna! Just saw your newest article and felt compelled to respond, because I have had my own affair, the only one, earlier this year.
As for why, it’s because we were temporarily separated at the time. Gave me time to think. and I came to the realization that I had been unhappily married for most of our marriage. I am seriously thinking of divorce and making preparations for that change. Not crazy about the idea, but I have to make changes.
It was with a single, never married older man. My landlord at the time. My husband knows and is very bitter about it and hates his guts. Honestly, I think I’ve fallen in love with him in a way that I’m not sure I ever felt with my husband. And I think the feeling is mutual. There’s just too much pain in my marriage to overcome for me to think that I can be truly happy with my husband. I miss the other man very much and think about him constantly. When I do, I always have a smile on my face, not so much when I think of my husband, though I do love him, it’s not the same.
I’m beginning to think that the character of Spock is very much similar to my situation. Lived a Vulcan life and experienced much that is good, but not enough to make me feel human as well. When I was with him (and I do still see him on occassion despite what feels like orders to not go near him) the feelings that I have are natural, rather than forced.
If this helps you for your article, go for it. If and very likely when my husband divorce, I plan to date other guys (to get some stress out of my system) before I make any definite future plans with the other man. I already have my eyes (and had my eyes on them for a long time) on a few men that I’d like to ask out for a date or two.
Good luck!
A handful of things:
1) I’m terribly sorry, and probably entirely too old, but I have no idea who Mashonda and Swizz Beat are. (To my credit, I have actually heard of Alicia Keys, although I would not be able to pick her out of a lineup.)
2) It’s not my business what people do in their private lives, and I really do not care who is boinking whom. The exception to this is if hypocrisy is involved, like when pro-family-values politicians are fucking around. Even then it’s not the affairs that upset me, it’s the hypocrisy part. That really boils my bacon.
3) Even though it is not my business, I still have a moral compass, so if I hear that someone is fucking around, I think less of that person. If you’re married, one can assume you made some vow not to fuck around, so if you do it you’re an asshole. But neither party in an affair is blameless; if you’re the single person, you should just know better than to mess around with someone who is already taken. You wouldn’t eat off a stranger’s plate in a restaurant, you wouldn’t drive off in someone else’s car, so why would you wokka-wokka with someone else’s spouse?
4) It’s not really anybody’s business, but in case you were wondering I’ll just state for the record that I have never had any extra-relationship sexual activity whatsoever .
Well,
I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t American and their family wanted them to marry someone else and I guess forced the situation (even though he allowed it so he’s far from blameless). There was a period of time at the end where I was left in the dark, couldn’t talk or see him and all this shit. It fucked up my psyche for real because I was the one being up front and honest.
Anyway, I see some similarities. I know how it feels to be that woman so I wouldn’t want to intentionally put myself back in that situation ever again.
I do believe each is own BUT if you are going to get married, uphold those vows OR else don’t do it. Or, I know life doesn’t always work like that if you want to cheat, leave your spouse. Life is way too short to be unhappy and enmeshed in bullshit.
Its very true no ones business is mine and I prefer to stay as far away as possible from drama. However, like Baba, I too have a moral compass and it does effect the way I look at the parties involved (equally).
I like to think of everything I do as karmic energy, so I treat others the way I want to be treated. Therefore I refrain from doing anything to anyone that I wouldn’t be happy with happening to me. I’m not saying every situation is the same and everything is in black and white, but I’m gonna try my darndest not to ever place myself in that situation and I hope the same courtesy will be given to me.
I have had guys with gf’s try and there hand at me and if I were remotely into them I would let them know I am not that type of girl, so they would either have to come correct or not cum at all. =)
According to my gay friends, AK is not into guys at all (is he a reverse beard?)
From what I’ve read, Letterman was not married (yet).
Why the focus on men? Recent stats seem to indicate married women cheat as much as men, if not more… (can’t seem to google the link quick enough, did it not appear on this site?)
Ask around and I think you’ll find most men do not go outside the marriage for sex, but to recapture something they’ve lost: attention, admiration, exhilaration, feeling valued, feeling young. Sex is a pleasant by-product, but rarely the true motivation and, let’s be honest, very rarely any better than at home once the initial infatuation with the object of our affection wears off and the rush of adrenaline/dopamine/serotonin subsides.
Women who date married men should do so to enjoy the ride, but realize that very (very) few will actually leave their wives. Wives are more difficult to replace than lovers… (or in my case –since I never sleep with them– ‘sugar-babies’).
PS to the people with the moral compass who think less of those who run astray… might I inquire if you are now or ever have been married? If not, what is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Did any of them exceed 7 years?
It reminds me of people who have a license but have never actually owned a car, or if they did have driven one less than 5k miles in their lifetime, yet state “I’ve never been in an accident and my car has never broken down on me. Anyone who has experienced this must not be a good driver or has failed to maintain their car properly.”
(I’m on my fourth set of tires and my second transmission. When I look in my rear view mirror I see a lot of smoke, but the seats are mighty comfy. Don’t judge me if I sometimes take a test drive in a model I can’t afford to buy, but fill it up with premium gas, drop the top, and take it for a spin around the country side)
Yep. I’ve messed around with a married man waaaaay back when I was a young college senior and he was 14 years older. it was a 3 year relationship and I was a complete naive idiot. I don’t regret the relationship because I learned a lot from him but I doubt I will do anything like that ever again. It really de values you in a way you don’t see until after it’s all over.
Having said that, I have a HUGE attraction to a married man I work with. The energy crackles between us, we both come from the same background. He is however, married although unhappily, he is married. Do I want to be with him? Yep. Does he know it? yep. Will I do it?….um…..I dunno. Not saying I’m right but there are a lot of single women out here who have been single for a long time. When chemistry is very strong, it’s hard to ignore. the only thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow is remembering what it felt like to always be “second”.
I am a happily married guy of almost 10 years….been with my wife for over 15 years. She is the greatest thing ever for me. Sure, I sometimes fantasize, but in my heart of hearts I know it would be “just sex” and there is no way that “just sex” could compete with what I get from my wife, what I have with my wife.
I know that does not really speak to the topic, but I like to chime in.
For what it is worth, I am a Christian man (go ahead and bash away), and I do feel that I made a vow to my wife before God that binds me to her (and consequently away from other women when it comes to sex), but to be honest, I don’t want any other women. She fulfills me in every way. Additionally, I love my wife too much to be selfish about something that I consider sacred. I am not attending to be holier than thou, because I am certainly a sinner that falls short in so many areas of my life. I have no ground to judge. Just my two cents (and probably not worth that much).
it’s hard for me, as i read through the comments, to not feel appalled at the number of people who either are okay with cheating (married, committed, in a relationship, whatever the case), or have participated in it. while sex between two people is their business, if one of the parties is otherwise committed (or supposed to be) to someone else, it becomes their business as well.
i’m not blaming the straying significant other any more than the one allowing the cheating to happen. i am blaming both equally. very few people in this world are forced to be in situations that they don’t want to be in. if you are in a committed, not open, relationship, or married, chances are most likely that you chose to be in it. is it normal to doubt, to wonder what if, etc? usually yes. but to overstep the bounds is something completely different. also, sometimes even before the physical, there is emotional cheating. and it is unfair to the person that you made a commitment to. if someone is unhappy, they have every right to leave, get a divorce, date around, etc. but it’s act of selfishness that bothers me the most. regardless of the situation, if you made a commitment, i’m assuming it is usually to someone you love, or at least care about. is it really okay to be selfish to explore other options, while hurting another person? lives change, love changes – but cheating isn’t the only option for either gender. and for the ones that allow it knowingly by being the other man/woman – while it is your business who you sleep with, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
i fully agree with Berriblk that we all have responsibilities as adults, and if a committed person would like to stray, they can be upfront with all parties involved first. and to errorboy, to answer your question, i’ve been in a relationship for nearly 6 years, and regardless of future circumstances, i would hope to act with integrity and courage if faced with a possible cheating situation, and be honest with all parties before committing adulterous acts.
Heidi: Divorce is a reality for many couples. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed or you’re a bad person. It means you’re both human … and life happens.
Baba Doodlius: Tons of great food for thought. (By the way, your commentary has become popular among my friends. I told Bro I was thinking about writing about infidelity today, and the response was: “Ooh, I can’t wait to see what Doodlius is gonna say about that. He loves his wife!” By the way, you’re not too old. You’re probably just not into celebrity gossip :) Okay, here are my thoughts … Maybe hypocrisy and affairs go hand and hand? If someone feels that they’ll be judged if they admit their shortcomings, they’re less likely to admit them. So, they’ll keep preaching the Stright-And-Narrow — even if they aren’t walking on it. Of course that’s the very definition of hypocrisy. That said, I honestly think that’s how people reconcile it. Either that or they’re just really evil bastard who get a thrill off judging others’ so-called flaws.
Cynthia: You said, “if you are going to get married, uphold those vows OR else don’t do it.” Oh you just said a mouthful!! :) I’ll write a post about my views on marriage later this week. If I forget to do it, please remind me.
Berriblk: Can I be honest? I don’t like the phrase “moral compass.” :( It seems to imply some mistakes are more horrible than others and the ones that are worst are (surprise, surprise) the ones we don’t make ourselves. Or, if we do, we don’t admit it. It also seems to ignore a tiny piece that belongs to that same compass: “Judge not lest you be judged.” That said, yes, I believe it the “Treat Others The Way You’d Like To Be Treated” philosophy of life. :-)
errorboy: I really really appreciate your honesty. And, yes, I did a post on “women who cheat” a while back. I’ll write about it again soon. Hmm, I agree and disagree with you. Sex MUST be the motivation to some extent; otherwise, married men could simply have platonic friendships that offer attention, admiration, exhilaration, blah blah blah. By the way, I couldn’t agree with you more about this: Women who date married men should do so to enjoy the ride, but realize that very (very) few will actually leave their wives.
Miss Pam: Thank you for your honesty. You said: “It really devalues you in a way you don’t see until after it’s all over [...] the only thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow is remembering what it felt like to always be ‘second.’” That’s what keeps me from sleeping with married dudes. For now. When I was younger and less experienced in life, I often said “I’d NEVER do blah blah blah.” As I grow older and experience different people / views / places / whatever, I pull away from extremist views. The world is very rarely black and white. I’ve never cheated on any of my exes and I’d like to think I wouldn’t. That said, speculating about the futre is jsut that: speculation. We don’t know how we’ll behave in a given situation until we’re in it.
Horton: Nope; not gonna bash you not at all. I’m a Christian, too.
phoebe: I’d venture to say cheating is more common than most people admit. I used to say, “None of my exes ever cheated.” Now I say: “As far as I know, no one has ever cheated on me.” Afterall, when I screwed around with others’ boyfriends, most of their girlfriends didn’t know. By the way, I agree with you that “if one of the parties is otherwise committed [...] it becomes their business as well.” I include the partners, too (i.e. if A is cheating on B who is married to C, it’s A, B and C’s business. Not mine.) You mentioned, “If someone is unhappy, they have every right to leave, get a divorce, date around, etc.” We know sexless marriages exist and unhappy marriages exist. We also know people stay in relationships they probably shouldn’t for a myriad of reasons — i.e. afraid to be alone, the kids, feeling like they won’t find anyone better, scared to lose health insurance, inertia / complacency, etc. True, they aren’t “forced” to be there, but they feel stuck. It’s like work. I know plenty of people who hate their jobs. But, they aren’t necessarily able to quit — even though no one’s “forcing” them to stay, per se.
I used to get really high and mighty about how despicable these women were who slept with married men, but then I realized how it takes to to tango. Really, more of the anger should be placed on the man– he mad a commitment to the wife, not the other woman.
But on the flip-side, when you have been married for a long time, and the person you are with isn’t the person you married, it is more complicated than just saying that you are just going to pack up and leave. There are the kids, the stability of the home and how leaving will affect those kids. I’ve had friends who have taken their husband’s back after mulitiple cheating for financial reasons and because their kids were miserable without Daddy in the home and they just could not see introducing some new guy to their kids, because after all, no man is going to love their kids like their biological father. But it does not change the heart–I know what it is to be in love with one person and married to another. The unfairness to the “other person” the guilt of betraying your spouse even if it is an emotional affair, which is probably worse than a physical one. But, the reality is, I love my kids more and being a parent means sacrificing your own happiness for theirs. Even if I have to endure a dysfunctional relationship consisting of verbal/ emotional abuse from their Dad, it’s worth it for them. The therapy, the anti-depressants and the alcohol will see me through, but I’m praying that one day I won’t need them and will be truly happy. KIds complicate the situation and the thought of having to one day explain to them why I left their Dad and broke up the family because I was being selfish. Relationships are a lot of work, unfortunately, some take more work than others. But I do know, that you can’t fix a relationship by going outside of it.
Staying for the kids does just as much damage to the children often times than leaving.
I have typed, and erased, and typed…and erased again and I honestly could not come up with a logical response to this topic outside of “you know good and well you are wrong for going after a knowingly married man/woman…divorced, separated, or otherwise.”
I’m sorry…I REALLY tried. I know love is “complicated” and I know we are not perfect and something about judging; but as the all-wise Ed Lover once said
“C’MON SON!”
Out of all the men/women on this planet…even the white ones, remind me why a married man/woman is actually an option?
Seriously (and not in a sarcastic, rhetorical question type of way either) I really wanna know?
In my late twenties I engaged in a bit of double-dipping, and the impact on my then-boyfriend shocked me. He broke down in tears when I confessed to cheating, and his eventual forgiveness was more torment than solace. My selfish desire to join the mile-high club (with a stranger no less!) ended up wounding one of the most decent men I’ve ever met. A much wiser woman than I snapped him up about ten years ago, and they are now happily wed and bred. The tables were turned on me by an ex-boyfriend when I was in my early thirties, and I’ll never forget how angry/bitter/confused I felt. Having been on both ends of the equation, I’ll never cheat again. Cheating is vicious, plain and simple, unless of course you have an “arrangement”.
As a soul much wiser than I once said, “Experience is cheap”. I endorse closing your eyes while fucking your beloved and pretending that the object of your desire is between your thighs. You can also engage your own hand/dildo/butt plug and fantasize like crazy. If you really love someone you will ultimately destroy the relationship by straying, and if you screw the partner of another you’ll claim an innocent victim, and for what? To satisfy your fragile ego.
Finally (I’m almost done! hurray!), if you don’t really love your partner but just want security, please let them go. He’ll/she’ll thank you, and if you have kids they’ll be better off without your crappy example. And one more thing – karma is a bitch.
I had an affair once with a married guy when I was young and single and just out of college. We worked together and I knew from the start he was married. He was fun, interesting and made me laugh – he was the kind of guy I would have dated if a) I was looking for a relationship and b) he had been single. But at that time, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, so his being married was perfect. I enjoyed spending the (little) time we had together, I loved the thrill of doing something “naughty” and I loved that it was just sex and I could keep him at arm’s length with no obligations.
As far as his wife — I didn’t really worry about her. I had NO intention of taking him away from her and I even told him I wouldn’t want him if he wasn’t married. (Not that I think he was ever considering leaving her for me, anyway, but I put it out there anyway). I felt like I wasn’t really hurting her – he and I spent so little time together that I really wasn’t taking time away from her or the (nearly grown) kids.
As a now married woman, I don’t suppose I’d like if my husband was doing the same to me, but if it was safe sex, I didn’t know about it, and he really had no intention of leaving me, I guess it wouldn’t be that horrible.
I’m with you, though, that it’s so annoying when women blame the women their husbands cheat with and not their husbands. They act like their husbands are innocent victims of some evil temptress that came along and forced them to have sex with them. Um, no, it was his choice, and they should take it up with him, not some woman who has no loyalty to you, anyway.
errorboy: Yes, I am married, and yes, I have been with Mrs. Doodlius for more than 7 years.
Apologies to Mr Lennon, but: Imagine there’s no other… It’s easy if you try.
Having been married, I’d hate to find out that my husband was cheating on me. However, I read somewhere that sometimes cheating can be good for a marriage as an outlet and a way to diagnose a problem that needs further exploration. For instance, by cheating, a man might figure out that he really does want to be a with his wife and work on their “problems” OR he’ll discover what the “problems” are and decide that a separate or divorce is the better solution.
I’ve never slept with a married man, and I don’t intend to do so on purpose. But if I unknowingly do, then I hope that our actions lead to some clarity in his marital situation.
Cheating is simply an idea, the illusion that someone you thought was your possession was for a time used by Casper the friendly ghost. Question. How many people still have their member’s only jacket or Calvin Klein jeans? Check the Salvation Army and see if you find it.
Regardless of what promises were given in good faith, people satisfy there needs the following day. That is why after 55 years of marriage my friends grandfather leaves granny and now works as a gigolo (unauthorized by Holland America) for the golden girls caribbean cruises, that’s no joke people. Or a 65 year old woman I know gets her breasts pimped out evicts her husband and 18 year old son for a 44 year old, shirtless, beer tipping trucker. By the way I call them Old Critter and Shameless, God could’nt write comedy that outrageous.
I do not approve of cheating. When you have made a promise to someone that you will only have sex with her or him, you need to uphold that promise or else let the person know that you can no longer keep it. It is amoral to hurt the feelings and possibly the health (by passing on a sexually-transmitted disease) of someone you claim to care about for selfish reasons; even if you have stopped caring about the person it is still unfair to not let her/him know that the situation has changed, so that s/he can take measures to protect her/himself.
I would also focus the blame on the person who broke the promise more than the person who assisted in that (assuming they weren’t both in relationships) although I do think that the other person has some responsibility.
That said, I have been involved with people who had partners, but not in a situation of cheating, where the other partner didn’t know about it in advance.
puma73: You said, “it takes to to tango” and “you can’t fix a relationship by going outside of it.” So true.
Berriblk: I agree. Ditto for relationships. Staying with a partner for the sake of his/her needs while neglects your own, often does just as much as leaving.
Brotha Tech: Love your comment so much, I dedicated an entire blog post to it. :) See Confessions from The Other Woman.
toot-toot-tootsie: You mentioned, “I’ll never cheat again.” Have I ever told you I used to say, “New York is a nice city, but I’d never live there.” Life is full of surprises and expected developments.
Phoena:Yeah, I’m kind of over the “innocent victims of some evil temptress” stuff.
Baba Doodlius: I love John Lennon!! :)
mydria: Ooh, very good point — affairs often uproot much deeper issues in the relationship.
Inomi13: I was going to bring up your point in talking about “selfishness.” It’s a subjective word. Holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be with you is likely no more or less of a selfish act than dating someone else’s partner.
A: Good point. Not all external relationships are cheating.
the husband is the one to blame. definitely.
i would draw the line on whether i knew there were kids in the marriage. it’s not their fault they have a shitty father.
Hi Twanna: I was 27 when I last cheated on a boyfriend (with an attached man – the guy on the plane), and I’m 45 now. As nutty as this may sound, if I’m no longer attracted to the man I’m with I end the relationship. Quite simply, I’m a horrible actress who is frequently single. I wait at least one month after breaking up, then move forward. The reason I do this is to show respect to my ex-, as I’d feel pretty horrible knowing that another woman had taken my place when my side of the bed was still warm.
As for having an affair with a married and/or attached man, that will never happen. Why would I begin a relationship with a lie? When you knowingly sleep with someone who is attached, it’s just, well … kind of sad. Getting laid is so easy these days, and while the pickings are slim there is still some meat left on the bones.
For the record I’m casually involved with a 36 year-old man right now. After two dates I knew that a relationship was not an option, but my girl bits had other ideas. I was completely honest with him, and though he was hurt at first he now thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. When we find other lovers it’ll smart a bit, but at least our eyes are wide open.
Carolina Pereira: Very well said! :)
Twanna, you hold such views because you are not married with a child/children. I think people expect too much from women. Do you really expect Mashonda to feel nothing towards Alicia? Really?
Here’s a different perspective. Dismissing views outright by saying, “you hold such views because you are ___” is another way of saying “because you are ____, I think your opinion on these matter is less valuable,” no? Otherwise, why would it be important to bring the “___” up? Seriously, fill in that blank with anything and really let that approach sink in.
You ask: “Do you really expect Mashonda to feel nothing towards Alicia?” Please, re-read my post. I said nothing of the sort. Does she have the right to be angry? Absolutely! That said, she still wrote an extremely reasoned, heartfelt and honest plea. In this post, I talked about Mashonda’s rant, not her as a person. I don’t know her. About the rant, I only said two things: (1) It was very “eloquent.” and (2) “It’s glaringly apparent the rant places blame squarely on The Other Woman instead of the Husband.”
I would agree with you that if Alex and Chris have an affair, and Alex is married to Marion, it is only a matter which concerns Alex, Chris and Marion…for the most part. It’s reasonable for Marion’s friends to get involved, and Alex and Chris might also speak with their friends.
As a stranger, the situation is not my business. I don’t know the details, such as whether Marion and Alex had an open relationship or whether Marion previously cheated on Alex. I do have my general moral view that “cheating is wrong,” but I’m not really qualified to make judgments about the Alex-Chris-Marion situation. That’s one of the reason I have no interest in celebrity gossip magazines.
I do feel that there is an exception, and that is when Alex has been using morality as a reason for judging or interfering in the lives of others. So I believe it is important to hear about Mark Sanford, John Ensign, or other “sanctity of marriage”/”family values” politicians and their hypocrisy.
Otherwise, regardless of the person’s position (politician, celebrity, etc), I don’t think it’s my business unless it affects the individual’s work, and that individual is in a position of authority. For instance if a politician gives a bonus to a sexy intern, the public interest is in the corruption, and the affair is only relevant in that it explains the motivation behind the corruption. If the affair took place but no favoritism or misuse of funds or other forms of corruption took place, and the politician did not use “family values” as part of a platform, the affair should remain a private matter.
To Toot Toot: While I agree with some parts of what you said, there are two sides to every story. From what I know, there are two people in a relationship and both parties have done something to bring about the cheating, not just the cheater. As for kids in the situation, my children never see me argue, they see him acting badly, I never bad-mouth their father, he does a good enough job by his own example, and as far as they know, Mommy and Daddy may have conflict, but they always make-up in front of them. My situation is not that cut and dried, and no, it is not a justification, but I no longer judge others, it’s not my place and we all have to own up to the bad things we have done to others– no one is an angel. My husband has done far worse things so many times and I’ve taken him back, so he’s not exactly a victim. That’s why I don’t feel too guilty about having an emotional affair.
gee whiz…. this is the way of the world….. and .. yes maybe not everyone pulls up a chair
but I dont see a lotta people standing….. on any given day…. someone walks that way….
either by thought…. or deed….. we service somebody…. if it’s 5 o’clock somewhere…..
somebody is smiling very deeply right now…. and.. yes… one should be mindful of
the OPP….. if you respect yourself…. then it’s easy to pass on the OPP…. but…. in the
heat of the moment…. in the midnight hour on Blueberry Hill….. ya gonna serve somebody..
yeah…. we try like the dickens to draw a line in the sand……
lamesabassman…. then, the wind whispers .. hello .. it’s me…..
Well let me start of by saying that I am a married family man and I have and most likely will continue having an outside affair. I always let the person know so they can make their own mind up about the situation. There are to many reasons a man will go outside the home to even try to list. My reason is lack of a personal relationship (besides I have always had a high sex drive and she knew it when she met me and was ok with it.). We have a great family relationship (home responsibilites and what not), but our personal relationship is like the Sahara Desert.
When we first met I was in high school (I’m 31 now my wife is older than me) and was in a relationship with someone at the time. I told her this and her response was “What…Does that mean you can’t come see me?”, and of course I my response was “HELL YEA I’LL COME SEE YOU!” And we’ve been together every since (some spots throught the years we spit, but never for a long time and always ended up back together). So I believe we were ment for each other, but too much, too fast, too young doomed us from the start.
All my encouters have been to satisfy needs not met at home. ALL MEN HAVE NEEDS, BUT NOT ALL NEEDS ARE THE SAME FOR ALL MEN. What’s important to one man may be useless to another. My wife has been there for me and is a wonderful mother. I don’t see myself getting a divorce for four reasons:
1 = I love her…yes even though i’m having an affair.
2 = How in the hell can I divorce someone and I’m doing damn near everything
under the sun?
3 = The lack of personal attention is a major issue for me, but is it worth
giving up all the good things about her and what she does?
4 = A man can not leave a woman for a woman.
So my solution to this problem is don’t sell the car because the tire is flat…..just get a spare.
What I lack at home I try to make up for outside. Sex, conversation, and even just to know that someone still wants you. We tend to forget that you have to show the other person that you still want them, not just because we are married–that’s obligation and I don’t nor do I know any man that truly wants a woman to be with him just because of obligation—-well atleast not a man worth a damn. It feels good knowing that there is someone who’s not obligated to you and yet still wants you because you not only satisfy their needs but they enjoy the person that is you.
It’s not always about sex and that’s where the pain begins. I gets hard going home sometimes; but I am married and it really hurts when they say “I wish you didn’t have to go”. We both knew the situation and what it is is what it is. That’s why I always let them know I am married–you knew and you made your own choice. If it’s just sex, you get yours and I get mine…the end, thanks and bye is the easy part….the hard thing is when you find someone who is a good person and truly cares about you and wants you knowing your situation–hell and you want them. I know women that I have been with that I could be happy with for all time, but it hurts to find someone like that and I know it hurts them to know they fell for some one who can’t be theirs.
To the women dealing with married man, you may never truly know how much you have saved that person from what ever is going on–and on behalf of married men in a situation like mine I want to thank you. So until things change or someone can suggest something different, I’m thankful for the moments we spend together and truly thankful for making me feel wanted.
outside looking in xcelled, but it sounds like you have and your wife have detoured into the friend zone and don’t need to be together.
how in the hell can you divorce someone when you’re doing dirt? man please. it’s simple: she’s not meeting your emotional or physical needs. i mean you said yourself that it’s not always about sex. and i promise you that if you are out f*cking other women, you are not meeting her needs either. i only hope she has someone else who is.
if you want attention and conversation minus the emotional attachment: dude, that’s what escort services are for. even if you’re being up front about being married, that doesn’t make the emotional damage you’re doing to yourself, the wife you claim to love, and the multiple women you’re bedding any more right. does your wife at least KNOW that you’re having sex with other women? if you’re going to be a slut, be an ethical one, and most of all be a safe-sex practicing one.
Wow Xcelled. Good read, love the honesty. You’ve captured a lot in your comment.
First time commenter here.I’m not married but I am engaged and the topic of cheating is a mighty one. In regards to where the blame should be placed, of course it lies with the cheater. He/She who made the vow based on a promise to their partner and their God (if any) has to take responsibility for their actions.
Xcelled compelled me to comment. A co-worker frustrated over constantly being solicited by married men asked me, “why do so many married men try to pick me up?” I told her because you act like what you are, a single woman. Your interactions are the same interactions that usually attracted the married man to his then single wife. Chances are that is no longer the case. Now this is not to shift blame from the cheater to the cheated on. I’m speaking only to the question of why do people (in this case men) cheat. Men are simple. Oftentimes our desires are carnal. The things that attract us to sexual partners does not shut off when vows are taken. This holds true for women. I’m sure men have heard, “you don’t take me out anymore,” or “you used to give me more than 5 minutes, what happened?” So on and so on. So basically what I am saying is what pretty much has already been noted, unless you have someone hell bent on cheating which you can’t do anything about anyway, it shouldn’t be too surprising to either gender when someone seeks another person to make them feel intimately alive. And that is never only about sex.
Tiffany, My comment was just a small glimpse of different decisions a man have, has and will have to make. I’m not trying to justify my actions, just venting my reasons. True my decision is not the best one, but do you leave a good woman only to try to find a good woman, but with more personal interaction?
There is a saying that you have to give up something to get something. Believe it or not this saying is true. Look any accomplishment you’ve made….what did you not do to get that accomplishment accomplished? For a male our decisions affect the entire home. If I leave, then why? for a woman? It’s one thing if she decides to leave me, but I will say it again…A MAN CANNOT LEAVE A WOMAN FOR A WOMAN. And like Mister Analytical stated “Oftentimes our desires are carnal” and that too me is no reason too leave a woman, get left by one—yea but not the other way around. Once your married you have other people watching you in the house to answer too beside a woman. Can you tell them you left for a woman?
Is leaving worth the risk to find something that’s missing only too realize when you find it that you gave up the good things you had trying to get the one thing you didn’t? No Man shall ever find nor achieve perfection(not males, man all inclusive). For men(once again a man cannot speak for all men, because everyone has different variables in there equation) we are bound by the one thing that I stated in my earlier comment that I don’t want to be the reason a woman is with me—Obligation (figure that shit out!).
Now I don’t truly expect you to understand what I just said, simply because the trials and tribulations that one sex deals with will never be truely understood by the other. If I understood everything about a woman, I wouldn’t be writing this comment. If women understood men, this subject would never have been posted.
Also, thank you Mister Analytical for your comment. That was my first time commenting as well. Your comment just proves how the opposite sex can see the same picture and see two different images.
I thank you for and appreciate your responses. It’s always good to have insight on matters from a view point that’s impossible for one to see….The outside of your own situation.
Remember this is an expressional dialogue, not a defensive plea for cheaters.
I have to admit that I am a bit surprised at some of the reactions to why men (and women) have affairs. Sometimes there really are reasons why.
A friend (now deceased) had multiple affairs on his wife. It wasn’t right, but I understand why. Sex was painful for her and she never underwent treatment to find a reason or get it treated. He never pressed her to get it checked out. In their case, the “blame” can be placed on both. His wife even adopted a child that he had fathered from one of the relationships when the mother died (after they had already parted ways). It wasn’t until she was on her deathbed that he realized how much he really did love her and kept her cell phone on just so he could hear her voice.
I too had previously looked at people that had engaged in extra marital affairs with derision until I had the one of my own. There were reasons, though it doesn’t seem like many responders can comprehend why some people have affairs. There were reasons. My mother is surprised that I hadn’t had one long ago. Let’s put it this way: would you enjoy your home life if you can count the number of times that you had gone out as a couple on one hand over the course of 5 years? Your spouse never really had any interest in any of your friends (through work), and the few times that you did go out as a couple it was always cut short and to be with his friends? Untreated depression is a very nasty disease. It is being treated now (and I’m on a mild dosage of an anti-depressant too), but we’re now trying to rebuild the relationship. Unfortunately, what I’m seeing appears to be a replay of some actions of my high school “sweetheart”- not a good thing.
I am trying to stay away from the other man, but it is not easy. Not easy at all. He treats me with more gentleness than any that I have ever received from my husband. When I’m with him, I feel like I should have felt at the age of 16, not in my 40s (when I’m really the same age as Funky Brown Chick) as I do when I’m with my husband.
At least now I am able to acknowledge that I can have a divorce. It’s the getting over the sense of fear of change and getting ready, financially, to I have to work on.
I am a 31 year old single female. I’ve just come off a cycle – now, thankfully, ended – in which I slept with a series of three married men. I am finished with it and I will not sleep with a married man ever again in my life. But I had to come full circle on it.
Guy # 1 is twenty years older, a successful consultant, funny, smart, a great friend. We are still friends. He has a college age son and a wife of 21 years who is great.
Guy #2 is ten years older, also a successful consultant (who used to work for Guy #1 years back, ironically # 1 introduced me to # 2), also funny, smart, a great friend. We are not as good of friends as we once were since he knows I do not want to engage in carnal relations anymore, so I feel like now I am not as interesting to him. This guy has been married 8 years, no children.
Guy # 3 is seven years older, once again, a successful consultant (I guess I’m seeing a theme here), funny, dynamic. He has three kids and his marriage is on the rocks. This one was the last straw. I only slept with him once and he became basically obsessed – saying I was his soul mate etc. Out of compassion, I spent one last evening with him at a dinner giving him advice about his marriage, how to save it, and assuring him that he was not in love with me, but merely that I was a catalyst for him to wake the fuck up and save his family, and that my only role was to remind him of the good things he has in his life. He said I was discounting myself but let’s be real. He barely knew me and was merely infatuated. I was a mere vessel that he poured his projected problems into, and thankfully I was able to perform some alchemy and help him transform.
But the whole series, and the last one in particular, was incredibly exhausting.
At no time did I ever know or meet the wives of these men (although I did meet one wife by chance recently and she was very nice. The last time I slept with her husband was over a year ago and I broke it off so I did not feel bad meeting her and it only reinforced my decision.) The guilt and responsibility I felt for these women however was the reason I decided not to carry on long term affairs with these men. It really is sexual misconduct.
I have tons of friends whom I love, like a big tribe. I am an intelligent, successful, independent professional, albeit with limited time to initiate a romantic relationship due to 60+ hour weeks as a litigator doing work (which I adore, I dont mind working so much it’s just that I know I’m not going to meet anybody or maintain a relationship.) Additionally I occupy a particular position due to my particular career situation in which I am supposed to maintain, shall we say, a good reputation for the public. So these married men know I won’t say anything because I have a “lot to lose” if it came out. Not that I would say anything anyway – there’s nothing to be gained by confessing your sins to anybody, seriously.
I feel like I am a target for married men. Married men constantly solicit me to have affairs with them. It’s not as if this is coming from the same circle either – it’s like, all the time, and constant. This has caused me to have absolutely no faith in the institution of marriage. I simply do not believe it is possible to have a loving, monogamous relationship or more personally, that I will ever have one. Somebody somewhere is getting bored and when they do they are going to hit on the younger secretary/associate/friend/etc and sleep with them and potentially leave you for them or cause pain in the relationship.
Even now that I have stopped engaging in affairs myself, I cant escape them. I discovered last night that two colleagues are having an affair because myself and another colleague walked in on them. So even when I choose not to engage, it’s still right there. Inescapable.
The whole experience of affairs has obviously made me deeply cynical. It made me feel powerful at first and like I was some kind of “modern woman,” an idea bolstered by my friends (both male and female) who were like “go for it, you dont owe those women anything.” But I dont recommend that anyone engage in it. It’s a dead end street – more like a cul de sac where all the houses are filled with happy families and you’re sitting in your car outside and once in a while the husbands run out and want a blow job or stare longingly at you from behind the curtains. The whole institution of marriage is a farce.
only if you wish it be….. affairs are like reading the newspapers…. once past the comics
it goes downhill … now … were you happy for the zipless funand games…. or did it make you
wonder when you finally get lucky and find you pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… will it be yours… or will you be sharing that as well…. there is no excuse for this carnal merry go
round…. you pay your ticket and get a seat…. you sample and move on…. does it make you sharper…. stronger… more knowledgeable…. or wanting more…. as long as there are no kids in the mix…. then … party on….. in your circle…. it was just a matter of course… in the big picture…. it’s done 24/7 365 all over the world…. if safe sex is practiced… then your techniques are improving…. it may be a dead end street… but it’s on a very large block
called Life…. when you find The Golden One…. are you gonna check behind the curtain…
lamesabassman….. or … sit down and order…. for they maybe on a lot of menus at the same time….. share and share alike…. deal… or no deal… sometimes… it’s best to smile and dig in…. choices do make things difficult…..
lamesabassman, that makes no sense. You have to be more clear!
“I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger.”– I don’t think anyone does until they decide to do it. I agree with Twanna, I don’t have an issue with it because its not my business. I, also think I would be a terrible mistress for the same reasons she stated.That being said who am I to judge married men for cheating or single women for sleeping with married men.The single woman did not make vows to the wife of the married man. And the married man broke one of many vows to his wife. It is no one else’s business who’s doing who unless one of the whos is you.
I am that man that has and has had women on the side while being married. I have never tried to hide the fact that i have an affinity for other women, in fact I wish everybody could get along and my life would be gravy. But seriously, I do come from a different viewpoint on marriage, and that is that I should have more than one wife, or at least a wife and a concubine. Yes i am one of those polygamist guys.
Women who date married men sacrifice a lot, and are always playing second fiddle if 1. you are a secret and 2. If the wife doesn’t approve of you. Yes, sometimes I get up and leave at 3 or 4 in the morning to go home, and it’s not that my wife doesn’t know i was gone. She just doesn’t ask questions she doesn’t want to know the answer to. From my perspective though, regardless of what I do a certain level of respect must be maintained. Women want to be respected above all else, and honesty is always the best policy, even if it hurts. I like being married and realize that I am not totally fulfilled in my marriage to one woman. It doesn’t mean I want to divorce my wife and find someone else to fulfill me either. I happen to believe that plural marriage is possible.
Before women go off talking about what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander, let me remind sistas that the idea of polygamy has been around for thousands of years. In fact most cultures around the world still practice it. It is not a democratic egalitarian system that allows women to do the same thing, that is unless you want to create war between competing men. Also note that there are lots more women than thee are men, and this is the primary reason women sleep with married men in the first place. So unless you want a lot of lonely, horny women walking around coveting your husbands, it may be time to open our minds up to doing this another way.
Meanwhile I think there will still be men like me, who have relationships with single women who know that I am married. The reason (so I’m told) is that women like the stability of mature responsible men, that they are unlikely to find in most single men. Until I find that woman who is willing to join us as a second wife, I will remain a cheater.
Im 29 years old and for the first time in my life, Im the other woman. Let me be the first to say: IT FUCKIN SUCKS!!! For two very specific reasons, I have always kept my vow to myself to never be with a married man.
1) Its morally wrong.
2) Karma is a bitch.
Yet and still i find myself yearning, lusting, and now desiring more time from this man than he could ever give me. Right now im single by choice and he was only supposed to be a sexual past time. Unfortunately, we have an amazing connection (one that ive never felt with ex’s in my past). What started and shouldve remained strictly sexual has become an emotional and complicated situation for him and i.
He spends alot more time at my house. Some nights i literally have to push him out the door to make him go home. He says hes “addicted to me” and “wishes that he wouldve met me back in the day”.
The reality of it is, hes married, im the sideline and there is no future for us. Even if there was a potential future for us, I wouldnt dare be with him because I see firsthand that hes a cheater. Absurd huh?! Yea I know, guess its the whole “forbidden fruit thing”. As more time passes, it becomes harder and harder to walk away from him (trust me ive tried (a few times). But for right now, this is where i am: Caught up.
PS, you can say what you want to or about me. Your opinions wont make or break me. Besides, hell i just needed to vent.
Hypocrite! And I quote; “I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.”
Men who fuck around on their wives are lying both to their wives and to God. They are running around sinning while only pretending to honour their SACRED vows before God to remain exclusively with their spouse. I don’t see how lying to you, a person who acts like a skank, should be seen as being a worse offense than lying to his wife, the mother of his children, and the keeper of his heart and home. Women who are unfaithful are no better either.
What is it with this screwed-up world? It’s OK to lie to somebody else, but it’s wrong when they lie to you? Pray tell, don’t you think you’re going to be lied to if that’s your attitude? You reap what you sew, young lady. You are your own worst enemy.
@Faithful: Haha, funny. Nothing more amusing than a nut-job relifreak to point out the flaws in others… I wonder how you ended up on this site. Looking for internet penii perhaps?
This is the best conversation ever! I LOVE IT! Well… Faithful perhaps, you’re feeling the backlash of a marriage/relationship gone wrong. Not sure but it sounds like it. Listen really. I have a very attractive hubby and women (regardless of me) have thrown themselves at him. Two can play the cheating game…it goes both ways. Sometimes forbidden fruit is the sweetest…so they think. But, really Caught Up told the truth…she’s in a situation that she sees as a “going nowhere” type of thing. I’m married and I respect her honesty… So should you. And Twanna your comeback was the cream of the crop…it always is! :)
I always wear my wedding ring, and freely mention my wife and child. No woman gives me a second look. And that is why I have honored my vows for 21 years. No one has invited me to stray, and I don’t do much business travel. But if I were out of town, and a woman was to proposition me knowing full well that I was married, and she was smart and lively, I am not sure I could be trusted. Especially if she said “I hear you are uncircumcised and I’ve never been with a guy like that.” But I do not see this temptation becoming real. Because women do NOT throw themselves at me at all.
I am married and have been havinng an affair with a single, younger woman for 5 years. For a year or two it was just fun, but in the past 2-3 years it developed into a very deep and meaningful, loving relationship, as ridiculous as that may sound. You cannot control who you love or don’t love, so please don’t judge. It is a serial relationship, and my only one out of marriage, and I would never consider having an affair with anyone else.
However, since I vacillated with her on divorce (mine that is, she wanted me to get one to be with her) and tried to have my cake and eat it too, she finally got sick of it, and started seeing another single man – in fact she no longer wants me to get a divorce and be with her – she loves me, and enjoys my company and sex (sex is fantastic and just gets better after 5 years), she says just doesn’t want to be with me in that sense anymore, because I killed her hope years ago. It’s now killing me, and now I am stuck with the remains of what once was, both in the marriage and in the affair. I am sure it won’t last much longer, and I will have a painful road to recovery.
My advice is, if you have an affair, and it is serial, it lasts 2 + years and you both make each other happy during that time, then I would either (a) divorce and be with the woman you love, or (b) end it and get on with your life, and repairing your marriage.
And lastly, be careful married people when you enter into an affair – I never would have done this if I had know the depths of agony it would impart to me. You think it may not last, or it is a dalliance, or that you can handle it, but if you fall in love, it will be ungodly painful when it ends.
I find it funny that you seem to have no moral problem with men cheating on their wives, but if a dude lies to you about his married status and you’re the one getting lied to this time you take such offense! Don’t feel good to be on that end of it huh? Stupid.
Myrick: Marriage, cheating and everything else aside, I think people get hit on more than they realize. I mean think about it … How many times have YOU (before you were married or whenever) hit on a woman who didn’t know you were hitting on her? I’m not saying, “if I woman smiles at you, it means she wants to blow you.” Just saying don’t be so hard on yourself by thinking women aren’t interested in you. Tip: Flirtatiously asking, “Were you hitting on me just now?” can be a good way to get a clear answer. If she says “yes” (or no) she means it.
ErrorOfWays: Sincerest thanks for your honesty.
Bizmommy: I don’t remember saying I “have no moral problem with men cheating on their wives.” I remember saying it’s none of my business. For the record, ending a comment with “stupid” isn’t necessarily the best way to convince anyone to convert to your ideas.
Twanna I love you! Lol you’re alawys so diplomatic and true. Even to the nasty comments you rock!
Had some encounters with married men that apply to this situation, and here’s how that broke down:
Guy #1: I was young and stupid, but after the second or third time we had sex, I realized that it wasn’t a good situation for me to be in and I stopped inviting him over. Years later when I learned he wouldn’t grant his wife a divorce, I “womaned up,” confessed to her that I’d had sex with him, and told her I’d testify on her behalf if it ever came down to it. It didn’t, but she did thank me for my honesty.
Guy #2: I’m never ever going to dip back into this well again, but it’s awfully tempting to do so because he’s one of the best lovers I ever had as well as being the most generous. This is also cross-country affair that stretched over hundreds of miles, across a border, and over about a decade off-and-on; even after he finally married his long-term girlfriend and they had a kid, we still had one-offs here and there.
Guy #3: The second time we had our long weekend away, I asked him point-blank why he not only had a girlfriend in the midwest but also was very active in the BDSM community. He gave a very good explanation about how his wife just isn’t able to physically keep up with him anymore due to medical conditions and that was a good enough explanation for me.
Most of my life (I’m 27) the world was just black and white to me, no grays. And I was living by the rules and taken men were a huge taboo for me. And I always said to myself – I’m NEVER gonna have anything with a married man! And to be frank, one of my close friends had an affair for several years with a married man and I did judge her behind her back and was sure that would never happen with me. Little did I know…
For the past three years an ex.colleague of mine /whom I know for almost 7 years now/ is showing me signs of interest /big time flirting, dirty talk, etc/. He’s married, much older than me and I know his wife.
When it started I told myself – NEVER – and just joked off any passes from him. He didn’t give up, I stuck to my grounds. We’re good acquaintances.
And just few months ago I learned that life is not black and white – it actually has lots of shades of gray (duh!).
My heart finally melted, and I decided I will give in. And I won’t judge anyone ever again. I learned that you never know how you will behave in a situation until you find yourself in that situation.
I feel very strongly about infidelity. I personally don’t really understand it. I think very little of skanky women and men who sleep around. You are giving yourself choices that your partner doesn’t have and engaging in behavior that potentially will not only scar them emotionally but could affect them physically. Is that fair? Is that what you call love and respect?
I grew up with a father who was a philanderer. His need to follow his dick, I cannot comment on how that affected my mother but it did result in me growing up without a father. So infidelity is not a victimless fun-time “crime” If you honestly can’t keep it in your pants maybe you should not marry or marry someone who is OK with an open relationship.
As for single women boinking married guys, I was unitentionally one of those and it felt lousy to have his wife call me and tell me what a whore I was when the real whore was her triffling husband.
Needless to say, I would not knowingly sleep with a married man even if all I wanted was sex. There are plenty of single guys out there. Why should I take sloppy seconds? And who needs the drama?
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