From the monthly archives:

October 2009

Inside My NYC Apartment: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

I recently wrote about my teeny-tiny New York City apartment. In case you’re into house porn, here’s a little voyeuristic peek at one of my favorite things inside my home. (Yeah, yeah. Ignore all the shit in the background. The snapshot was taken months ago when I still moving in, packing things away and cleaning up. I’m still messy at times, but I’m not this bad.)

I made this from a lump of clay.

In 1992, I sculpted the object above from a hunk of clay, fired it in a kiln and covered it in tinted glaze. As a little girl, I dreamed of being a writer, dancer, world traveler or painter. However, with age, somewhere along the way I began to believe what everyone around me was saying: “growing up” meant choosing things simply because they’re “practical” (read: financially rewarding). I started the first 5 – 6 years of my career working well-paid, prestigious and safe jobs in international affairs. It felt good to support myself and, if I’m honest, impress others with fancy gigs.

When people asked, “So, what do you do?” I boasted: “I work at the American Embassy.” My verbal back pat probably sounded smug and annoying. But, inside, I felt like I was suffocating by following the crowd, doing what I was supposed to do, and behaving in ways I thought others would deem appropriate or impressive. Long story short: September 11 triggered an internal existential crisis that reminded me life moves pretty fast and you never know when your road will run out. It suddenly seemed kind of stupid to do jobs just because I thought others would like them. I wanted to do stuff I liked.

Everyone is wired the way they are for whatever reasons. Words, art and images inspire me more than money. So, I returned to the U.S. to pursue creative endeavors that yielded far less cash, yet were more emotionally fulfilling and rewarding. But, first, making the switch meant I had to become more comfortable with who I was. One of my favorite Pablo Picasso quotes is: “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once [one] grows up.” In 2002 — coincidentally, almost exactly a decade after fashioning the artistic piece above from clay — I came back to the U.S. and eventually moved to New York, finally embarking on my childhood dream of becoming a writer. My company/brand name, FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, reminds me to be true to myself . It’s okay to be funky. I’m comfortable inside my brown skin. I like being a chick.

Harking back to the beginning of this post, my 459 sq. ft apartment isn’t large; I can observe almost everything in it regardless where I’m standing. So, I see the pottery above several times a day. It’s not worth much nor it is the most beautiful piece of art ever made, but it makes me happy. To me, that’s priceless.

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{ 16 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Breaking News: Black People Have Sex!!!! :)

Come here often? I wrote my first blog post here on June 21, 2005. If you haven’t been reading since the beginning, I don’t want you to feel left out. So, as I mentioned previously, for the remaining Saturdays of the year, I’m writing roundups that highlight things you may have missed. The first Saturday roundup’s was about dating. The second covered living in New York. This week, I’m talking about ethnicity. I’m a sex, dating and relationships writer. I’m also a black woman. I’ve been fairly vocal about the fact “black issues” and “sex issues” aren’t mutually exclusive. Earlier this year at Open Center‘s Sex in America, I (and others) gently reminded the panel — which included no minorities — that people of color have sex, too. Just ask my vagina. She’ll tell you it’s true! :) In case you’re interested in this stuff, below are posts I’ve written about race/ethnicity and sex:

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{ 4 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

A Tits And Ass Man’s Pick I Am Not

When I tweeted I was considering writing about body image issues today, I got a few positive responses from the folks at Single Minded Women and others. So, here we go … I’m not a “Tits & Ass Man’s” choice. Despite what Sir Mix-A-Lot says, my butt will never look “like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” (See Exhibit Badonkadonk: A Picture of My Ass.) The boobies on my chest will always be humble nibbles. (See Exhibit A-Cup: A video of my breasts.) I can make light of this and laugh now, but it wasn’t always that way. I spent much of my teens and my early 20s disliking my body. I wanted to be bigger, curvier and more attractive to men. I figured people who looked like me didn’t get asked out as much as the women with breastier and more bootilicious assets.

Like many (but not all) women, I sometimes have a horrible habit of giving unnecessary attention to things I don’t like about my body. When I was really thin, I wanted curves. Now that I’m a normal weight, I watch what I eat. I’ve since learned there’s no such thing as one perfect body, and I’m developing a healthier relationship with food. Whenever I start freaking out about my size, I divert my thoughts, energy, effort and attention to things that are more important to me — like my writing career, finishing my book, developing deeper spirituality, thinking about my dreams & aspirations and spending time with my family. Besides, I figure everyone has a “Best Physical Trait,” a winning ticket or two. Ages ago, when one of my exes boythings — a cute, white French Canadian brunette with a cute smile — asked which feature I thought was my best asset, I very happily told him my legs:

Inspired by Tina Turner, I strut those things around and show ‘em off in miniskirts and dresses. Seriously, I’ve gotta hand it to Miss Anna Mae Bullock. EVERYONE notices her lower limbs. Former President George W. Bush called them “the most famous in showbusiness.” They’ve also been lauded as simply the best. Hell, even The Onion joked she had a $3.2 million insurance policy on those babies in the satirical piece, Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money. Hats off to her! When I’m 69, I can only hope I look as great as she does. I think she’s gorgeous, and it’s not just about her legs. Rising from a humble and abusive background, she found happiness and blew everyone by accomplishing a lot in her career. But, back to the shallow stuff: I think she’s hot :) So, now, tell me about you. What would you say is your best physical asset and/or which trait do you notice most in men or women that interest you?

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{ 23 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Live The Life You Love

Last night, I went to the second of Single Edition’s three “Live The Life You Love” seminars at Saks Fifth Avenue, and I highly recommend the series. If you want practical advice about insurance, health, fitness, relationships, life planning, finance and other topics that pertain to single people, Live The Life You Love is good stuff! During the first event, I think financial planner Laura Scott was the breakout “OMG-this-woman-is-amazing” speaker with the most valuable takeaways. Yesterday, I liked what the nutritionist said about mindful eating and setting nutrition goals. There was a sexpert present, though I found myself more intrigued by audience members’ comments during that segment. Particularly, one woman confessed she didn’t know how to say “no” when her boyfriend asked her for sex. She said she usually just “goes along with it.” The sexpert said that wasn’t necessarily the best route to a fulfilling sex life, and I agree. In case any Funky Brown Chick readers out there are wondering, “How do I enjoy the horizontal disco with my woman (or my guy) without doing it at times or in ways that make me feel uncomfortable?” here’s a clip from Video Jug.

By the way, getting back to the beginning on this post, I’ve previously written about Single Edition; they recently hooked me up with the hiking trip. If you’d like to know more about them or the Live The Life You Love series, visit their site.

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{ 3 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Confessions From “The Other Woman”

Last night, I had a 94 minute 40 second call (yes, I checked my phone) with a a close pal who has known me since we were 18. Conversation topic? Yesterday’s FUNKY BROWN CHICK® post, “Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men.” She told me she was surprised — and, though she didn’t say it but I get the impression, disappointed – I mentioned I’ve messed around with other women’s boyfriends. “It just doesn’t seem like you,” she said. “You’re generally a consistent person. I know you wouldn’t like it if someone did that to you, so I don’t get why you’d do it to someone else.” Here, grab a seat. I’ll explain. Before I do that, it’s probably appropriate to draw your attention to my interview with Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee author Pamela Druckerman for Huffington Post. Druckerman says Americans get freaked out about cheating because, “We see it as a measure of character.” Perhaps that explains a bit of the heat in yesterday’s comments about infidelity. The overarching theme seemed to be: Pourquoi, pourquoi? WHY?!!? Brotha Tech asks, “Out of all the men/women on this planet…even the white ones, remind me why a married man/woman is actually an option?” As someone who has slept with other women’s dudes, here we go …

1. He Wasn’t Married. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never knowingly slept with a guy with a ringed finger.  Guys in casual relationships? Yes. Married men? No.

2. It’s Not a Game of Numbers. When Clutch magazine interviewed me last November, in passing I admitted, “I have slept with people’s boyfriends – as long as there’s no ring and you’re not promised to someone else [...]” A guy named Mike lamented, “The woman dates every race of man on the planet. How the hell can’t she find single man in NYC?”

I’ve found and dated plenty of single black, white, Latino, European and other men. Some were better matches than others. And, of course, I’ve met and felt intense chemistry with men who were already in relationships, too. There’s a fallacy that more people equals more potential partners. It’s like telling a gay man, “With all these single women in [insert city], you’re bound to find at least ONE that’s a good fit for you.” Try explaining to a lesbian, “You just haven’t met the RIGHT man yet.” It doesn’t work that way. It’s not a numbers game. Chemistry is chemistry, and people like who they like.

3. What Happens In His Bed Is His Business. I’ve never cheated on any of my dates, lovers, boyfriends, exes or whatever because that’s not how I roll when I’m in a relationship. That said, it’s not my place to judge what goes on in others’ romances. This goes back to what I said yesterday. It smacks of the Scarlet Letter era when a single woman was called a “cheater” for messing around with a guy who stepped out on his lover. Remember when that whole Pitt-Jolie-Aniston thing initial went down? Angelina didn’t cheat on anyone; Brad did. Yet, she – not he — was bitch-slapped with the homewrecker label.

4. Life Doesn’t Turn Out As Expected. In high school, a friend’s parents had an interesting “How We Met” story. The mom was engaged to another man. Weeks before the wedding, she met the guy who is her current husband. They sparked a romance. Eventually, she left her fiancee for the new guy (my friend’s dad). More than 30 years later, they’re still married, have three beautiful children and are continuing to build a happy life together. Did they plan it that way? Nope. Did they meet under the most ideal circumstances? Nuh-uh. Would she have missed out on the guy who turned out to be the great love of her life if she’s stayed with the dude she originally planned to marry? Absolutely. When you find a good match, you know it — even if it doesn’t come in the package expected.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never cheated on my boyfriends and I’d like to think I never will. That said, I believe affairs say more about the relationship than it does about the Other Woman or Other Man; afterall, “homewrecking” starts at home. If I was in the longterm relationship with a partner who screwed around and eventually left me for another person, I would hope I’d have the sensibility, strength and courage to let go of that which no longer belonged to me.

5. It’s Nobody’s Business But Theirs. I wrote infidelity again today because last night’s conversation provided tons of food for thought. Yesterday, I mentioned Alicia Keys to illustrate a point. Today, I mentioned Angelina. However, to close — and repeating Tuesday’s thought — If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. I’ve never really spoken at length about The Other Woman stuff because, quite frankly, what happens between Alicia, Angelina or any other woman’s legs is her business.

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{ 18 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men

Sunday, Half Past Ten a.m.Nearly half a dozen of my single girlfriends recently told me they’ve had (or are currently having) affairs with a cheating spouse. Interestingly, when I mention this to others — without outing anyone of course — the responses from outside the community are a bit the same. “Homewreckers!” “These women should know better.” “Wow, did she say WHY she’s going after someone’s husband?” These reactions strike me as strange for two reasons. First, the focus is always on single women. I don’t fault them for dating taken men. They aren’t cheating on their partners; the men are. Take Mashonda‘s eloquent plea to Alicia Keys, for example. (Quick story in case you missed it: Alicia Keys is allegedly having an affair with Mashonda’s husband, producer Swizz Beatz.) She berates Keys’ “constant displays of selfishness and disconcern to me and my son” and barks “you know how you contributed to the ending of my marriage.” It’s glaringly apparent the rant places blame squarely on The Other Woman instead of the Husband. If the rumors are correct, Swizz Beat — much like David Letterman and countless other (albeit less famous) men — had consensual sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife. Which reminds me, I said there were two reasons I don’t “get” why people get riled up about others’ affairs. Here’s the other: If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. (Clarification: That is, if PERSON A is married to PERSON B and cheating with PERSON C, it’s no one’s business except A, B, C and others directly related to the affair.)

To my knowledge, I’ve only slept with one married man. It was a British guy from my first summer in New York, and I’ve written about him before. A white dude with brown hair and blue eyes, he told me he had a high-paying, fancy Wall Street job in lower Manhattan. He was cute. I was attracted to his face and his British accent, not his money. I bought my own drinks to prove it. He told me was single. We flirted for hours over countless beers and cocktails until I eventually took him home. We had sex, but it wasn’t especially good. (Probably my fault as much as it was his; we’d both had a lot to drink.) In any case, once it was over, he asked, “Do you mind if I go home?” I told him he was free to leave if he wanted. I wasn’t going to beg him to sleep over. His response was: “My wife wouldn’t like it if I stayed.” When I reminded him said he was divorced, he replied something like: “Divorced. Separated. Unhappily married. What’s the difference?” Mind you, I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.

Would I sleep with a guy I KNEW was married? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t. Yet. Though, I’ll admit it: Their raw appeal has a certain je ne sais quoi. No, fuck that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Married men are the unknown, forbidden fruit I’m not supposed to desire. I’m subversive and, within limits, I like doing things I’m not supposed to. That said — although I’ve been naked and, yes, had sex with several women’s boyfriends — I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger. For better or worse, I’d probably be a horrible mistress. I’m definitely discrete, so that’s not a problem. But, I don’t think I could handle making myself available to a man on his terms only. I imagine he could only see me when it was convenient for him. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night on a regular basis, answer my calls regardless of present company or do anything else like that says: I’m yours. On the contrary, if he was truly mine, he wouldn’t be married. Besides, in my mind, affairs are about sex. Just sex. Nothing else. From my past experiences sleeping around with guys who’ve had girlfriends, regardless if they said otherwise when we were together, if they got caught they told it like it was to their partners: It was just sex. She didn’t mean anything to me. Generally speaking, if The Other Woman mattered more than the wife, she wouldn’t be relegated to Other Woman status. Quite frankly, that’s why I’ve gone out of my way to make that point with each of the girlfriends who’ve recently linked with nuptialed men. It’s just sex. They’re my pals; I don’t want them to get hurt. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I haven’t been able to go all the way with men I knew were married. I don’t want to get hurt either.

Are you a married man who had (or is having) an affair? Have you been The Other Woman? Are you appalled by people who sleep around with people they shouldn’t? Reading How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught? Debating whether you’d like to sleep with a married man? Are you a married woman cheating on your spouse? One of the fun things about writing on Funky Brown Chick site is that I get to connect with a bunch of different people from various backgrounds who come here with many different experiences. You all know the drill: Agree or disagree with me and/or your fellow commenters if you’d like — just don’t be an asshole about it. So, feel free to leave your two cents below. Speak anonymously if it gives you the ability to be more honest.

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Credit paid: Image is by Stephanie Hofschlaeger

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{ 105 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Is Sexual Tension Better Than Sex?

Gift boxSexual frustration is the tension, anxiety and anticipation building up to a lascivious event. Sometimes, sitting at a restaurant’s table, smiling at the person across the way, kissing, touching, flirting and the other heart-thumping moments are almost as vivid as the real deal. Or, to state it different by quoting a friend from dinner the other night: “Good sexual tension is better than bad sex.” Curious to snoop my friends’ opinions, over dinner with four friends the other night, I posed the question: “Who thinks sexual tension is sometimes better than sex?” Interestingly, all the women rose their hands. The men laughed. The guys made jokes about “blue balls” and one yelled out “cock tease!” Naturally, I wonder if the male / female divide on the “sexual tension vs. sex” question — albeit an incredibly small sample of friends — is the same among people who read my site. So, tell me your impressions: “Is sexual tension sometimes better than sex?”

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Credit paid: Image by Ivan Prole

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{ 18 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

This Is Why We Have Sex …

Sometimes I just want to get fucked. Seriously. I crave the sensation of a guy’s hard penis gliding inside my crevices. I love it when men know exactly how to handle and touch me in a way that makes me feel desired. Whether it’s on my ass, the small of my back, my neck or inside my vagina, I like how men’s strong hands & fingers feel when they touching my body. And, oh my goodness, how much do I love erections?! Looking at a firm tube of flesh (or discretely feeling the bulge through a clothed man’s trousers as he presses again me), is like experiencing several inches stand at attention while crying out to me: “Heeeeeey, Twanna, I am aroused and I want to enter your body.” I. Love. That. Screwing. Boinking. Getting nailed to my mattress as the full weight of his masculinity rubs against me and I grew hotter, hornier, wetter. Sex for fuck’s sake. Literally. Like, you know, when I’m into a guy & we’re dating, I have sex because I like it and it feels good. Who doesn’t like it? Weeelll ….

I recently read about University of Texas at Austin psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss’ book, “Why Women Have Sex.” Published this week, it’s getting a lot of press because they claim there are exactly 237 reasons women have sex — most of which have very little to do with pleasure. The Daily Mail, The Guardian, Huffington Post, Fox News, Newsweek, and others are all gossiping about this, but one piece caught my attention in particular. CNN‘s coverage. Here, watch their video:

In the article that accompanies the clip above, CNN mentions — of the authors’ approximately 1,000 interviewees — “about 80 percent of the women said they were in a relationship at the time.” They close with this observation / excerpt: A 26-year-old heterosexual woman wrote, “When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn’t seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way.” Unfortunately, she’s not alone. In the movie above, the woman with the cute accent proudly admitted: “A lot of times when you don’t want to do it, you do it just to pleasure your partner … Because you don’t want to disappoint them.” Her dude stood by her side in agreement.

Um, what the hell? I don’t care if you’re a man, woman or other: If you’re seeing, dating or married to someone who thinks your needs aren’t nearly as important as theirs, that’s not just a sex issue. That’s a relationship problem that likely manifests itself in many ways — not just the bedroom. Thank god CNN highlighted the married woman who confessed, although she’d been married two years, she never felt is was her “duty” to have sex. Couldn’t agree with her more. Here are a couple questions for you; feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section below: (1) Do you think married women feel a greater sense of obligation to have sex than single women do? (2) Male and female Funky Brown Chick readers — whether you’re married or single — tell me why do YOU have sex?

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{ 22 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

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