Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

How Men Learn to Masturbate

I’ve gotta hand it to Marty Beckerman and Shawn Hollenbach. Last month, at my friend Rachel’s In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, they told a room stuffed with strangers & friends how they learned to masturbate. Separately. I know them; although they’re equally sexy & hilarious, they’re not together. Marty digs chicks. Shawn likes dick. In any case, I love “How I Learned to Masturbate” stories. If you want to read about my first time using a vibrator, it’s on New York Press’ sex column Flavor of the Week. For two guys’ perspectives, here ya go:

SYNOPSIS: Shawn is a comedian who co-produces The Back Room — “a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics” — at Ochi’s Lounge every Friday night at 9pm. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “As I’m doing this, I’m exfoliating my penis [...] It was the most horrific feeling in the world … with my raw penis.”

SYNOPSIS: Marty Beckerman wrote Dumbocracy, Generation S.L.U.T. and Death to All Cheerleaders. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “Suuurpriiiise … Your dick is fucked!” and “No more floor fucking tonight. Weeeell, maybe after the reading.”

If you like the videos above and you live in New York, drop by Kettle of Fish tonight to see Marty, go to Ochi’s on Friday to see Shawn or come to Rachel’s erotic reading series tomorrow. If you don’t live in New York, and you’d like info on male masturbation, Babeland can hook you up with sex toys for men.

November 18th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Had Sex Five Times This Year … So Far

I don’t get nearly as much action as men often think I do. Apparently, if you write about (shh, whisper it!) S-E-X — or condoms, dating, relationships and stuff related to getting it on — the assumption seems to be: you must screw around a lot! Seriously? Have we, as a culture, become THAT repressed? I’m human. I’m an adult. Sex happens. Does that mean it occurs every day? Nope. Does it happen with every guy I meet? Absolutely not. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I’m much more exacting than that. Even if I wasn’t, who the hell cares?

I’m single. Using only one hand, I can count the number of times I’ve had sex in 2009 — I mean, you know, with someone besides myself. I don’t keep track of my trysts any more than I keep track of how many times I exercise in a month; The number on its own is meaningless. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say I had sex 4 or 5 times this year. Granted, I have a high sex drive and each “time” included multiple sessions throughout the night and next morning. But, the point is: My bedroom HARDLY has an open door policy. There’s no velvet rope, but I will say this: Very few guys have seen my apartment, fewer know what my bed looks like and even fewer can say they’ve been between my legs — or pumped away inside my vagina while hunched over my back — on my mattress. Or my floor. Or my shower. Or anywhere else in my home.

I know plenty of friends and acquaintances in dead relationships and marriages. I don’t want to date someone for the sake of dating, and I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong guy. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel lonely, wish I had a boyfriend or grow bored of sleeping solo. Nor, for the record, does that mean I haven’t nakedly thumped away with a younger guy or foreign dude (or both!) warmly squeezed between my inner thighs at 2:00a.m., noisily waking the neighbors. [Whistles innocently. Looks at sky. Avoids direct eye contact.] Um, right, so, where was I? Yes …  For now, it simply means, I’m not making my dating life a high priority. Sex life? If I get an itch, I’ll scratch it myself or occasionally accept one of my guy friends / acquaintances’ happy offers.

To be clear, sure, I would still like to fall feet first into a healthy, stable, longterm relationship with a handsome, witty and funny man. But, I’m kind of “over” making efforts to “make it happen.” No more online dating sites. No matchmakers. I’m done. Tired. Finished for the moment. Oddly, now that I’ve pulled away, I’ve met more interesting men in the past few months than I have all year. But, that’s neither here nor there. For now, I’m focused on other things. Writing. The Holidays. Spending great times with good friends. Getting ready to see my family in Illinois. That’s the stuff that occupies my time. Everything else is secondary for now.

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Credit paid: Photo by Mo Riza

November 17th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What If the Condom Breaks?

Although I use condoms when I have sex, I’ve certainly gone riding without a saddle with longterm boyfriends but, luckily, I’ve never been pregnant, I’m not HIV+ and I’ve never had an STD / STI. When I think about it, it’s kind of creepy that a tiny little rubber keeps my health and childfree status safe. Have you ever wondered: “What if it breaks?” (I’ve had a few break in the past, but those are stories for a different blog post.) In any case, if you’ve ever wondered: “How do they test condoms to make sure it won’t break?”, here’s a video from Consumer Reports’ labs.

Source: It’s tough being perfect, but we found 7 condoms that are.

November 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

In Pictures: This Is What I Look Like in Bra & Panties

If we’re close, you might know (or, maybe, you didn’t) I don’t generally wear supplemental clothing — no socks, pantyhose, underwear or other items of aren’t really “necessary” for daily functioning. Of course, there are exceptions: when I run, I wear socks inside of my tennis shoes because they protect my feet from excessively rubbing against the leather & rubber; as an accessory, I often fancy up skirts & dresses with patterned hose or fish nets; and, sometimes, I match panties with a pretty bra. I LOVE matching sets.

When I wrote anonymously, I regularly posted pictures in my bra & panties because I found it liberating. It was like telling the world: “This is what a 30-something black woman looks like without her clothes on!! Oh, and, by the way, there’s NOTHING wrong with looking at underwear. It’s not necessarily crude, pervy, titillating, disgusting or pornographic. Yay panties!!!” (Hell, I even flirted with the idea of running a panties blog: Panties210.)

Of course, it was easy to be bolder and more bare — and, since we’re on the topic, give graphic details about my sex & dating life — when my name wasn’t linked to my words. Faceless, I didn’t worry what my past employers, boyfriends, lovers, church members and family might think. Once I came out, linking “Twanna A Hines” and “Funky Brown Chick” together, I stopped the undie pics. It’s time to change that. Why? Because I still believe there’s nothing wrong with seeing a 30-something black woman in her underwear.

This pairing above is one of my favorites because it makes me feel like Wonder Woman. You won’t see me in any underwear ads because I’m neither white nor a size 00. (Nor do I desire to be either.) My stomach isn’t as firmly toned as it was 5 or 10 years ago, but I’m learning my waistline isn’t a measure of my self worth. Whenever I feel doubt, insecurity and/or question whether I’m making the right decisions in love, life or elsewhere, I slip on the superhero set and say: “Somehow, everything’s gonna be alright. I’m going to be okay.”

November 13th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Have You Ever Wondered: WHAT IF …

I think I’m going through something. Is there a name for the period between the quarterlife crisis and a midlife crises? Maybe 33 and 1/3 or something like that? Over the past month or so, I’ve put more thought into adulthood, my career, how I spend my days, friendship, my love life and etc. I’ve even started listening to Tara Brach’s Buddhist meditation podcasts. I think I’m searching. For what, I don’t know. I’m not sure what triggered my recent bout of introspection. Could be the weather. When the sky turns grey and the temperature drops, I tend to hibernate. I don’t own a television because I read, catch up with friends and family on the phone and organize my life more without a timesuckage box in front of me. (Granted my computer screen has become the new I.V. drip, but that’s conversation for a completely different post.) As I was saying … More time at home = more thinking.

If the weather isn’t affecting me, it could be something else. Maybe the book. I’ve said: “After it’s finished, everything is up in the air.” Will I stay in New York or move to a different city? If I move, will I stay in the U.S. or go back to Europe? I’ll likely always be online; however, will I keep writing for magazines and newspapers (a dying, underpaid art form) or will I switch to film and television writing (growing, higher paid). Speaking of money, maybe the economy is kicking my ass toward more self reflection? There’s nothing like a good ol’ fashion recession to shake everything up and make you wonder: Is what I’m doing at this very moment worthwhile, important and true to my dreams? Currently, thankfully, the answer is yes. I want to write a book. I want to live in New York. Still, I’m kind of of turning a lot of different “longterm” ideas around in my head.

I find life transitions exciting, fun, scary, interesting and challenging. I’m not risk averse; I’ve moved around a lot and worked in different fields. I was a bartender in London, taught in Florida, managed film courses in Chicago, led a theater program in New York and dabbled in a bunch of other things in between. The most interesting part about making a “life change” is the period right before I make the jump. It’s that “what if” part. What if I do ___? What if I stay right where I am? I’m never 100% certain of the outcome. Ah, Uncertainty.

Do you mind a tangent? No? Okay, good. Have you seen the movie Sliding Doors? I thought it was really good, though I often wonder if it’s because I overidentified with the film’s “what if” theme. The plot developed as Gwynnie Paltrow ran to catch a train. Semi spoiler: In one scenario, she arrived home in time to catch her boyfriend cheating on her. In the other scenario, she arrived late and didn’t find out he was screwing around. It gets interesting because you see how her life radically changes based on such an insignificant act: catching a train. It’s worth mentioning, when I saw the movie, I was living in London and I hadn’t yet decided if I would return to the U.S. or stay in England. In the end, I left.

Fast forward 11 years. I’m in New York now. There’s a new movie, Uncertainty. Go look at its Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter. Pssst! If you’re a fellow New Yorker, see Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who, by the way, looks A LOT like that Terminator kid,  a young Edward Furlong) in person along with directors David Siegel and Scott McGehee at the Friday evening shows. See IFC Center for details. The timing of the film’s opening is quite serendipitous. Description: “What if? A couple at a crossroads in their relationship, facing, one fateful July 4, the seemingly simple decision between a family barbecue or dim sum in Chinatown. Splitting the tale in two, exploring what happens as the couple follow both options and the consequences of making a choice–or not.” Should be interesting. That’s all. I don’t really have much else to say. Just, you know, thinking about being an adult and living everyday life.

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Credit paid: Image above appears courtesy of IFC Films.

November 12th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

On Video: 2010 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party

(I’ve got a few pictures uploaded to Flickr. More coming soon.)

November 7th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [3] folks got down with the Funky Brown

This Is Why We Love and Cheat

“Romantic love is a drive. In fact, I think it’s more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask someone to go to bed with you and they say “no thank you” you certainly don’t kill yourself or slip into a depression. But, certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love with kill for it. People live for love, kill for love and will die for it.”

Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, Why We Love and Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray

Heads up: The video clip above is 20+ minutes. It’s a bit long, but it’s thought-provoking and worth watching. I’m much more drawn to these kinds of discussions than the fluffy “Top 10 Ways To Turn Your Man on TONIGHT!!!!” stuff.

November 4th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Getting to The Finish Line: How to Write a Book

It’s National Novel Writing Month. Basically, a bunch of people will to start writing November 1 and continue for 50,000 words / 175-pages until November 30. It probably sounds harder than it is because, believe it or not, quite a few people have done it. How to Knit a Love Song, Flying Changes: A Novel, Wish You Were Here and other books are reportedly successful NaNoWriMo projects. I’m not participating this year because I’m smack at the tail end of my finishing up my memoir and I don’t want to get distracted by starting another project. And, since, we’re on the topic of writing in general, here’s the latest update about the book … I’ve written 79,609 words. I have three chapters to finish re-editing. For now, I aim to wrap it up by late December / early January. On Twitter, Affable Alpha asked me, “Is it preferable to write the entire novel before submitting it? I feel like doing so would be a waste of time [...] I was thinking of writing a synopsis for every chapter of the novel and then submit it to the literary agent or publisher.” Ah, the ongoing “proposal” vs “full manuscript” debate. I chose the latter route to:

1. Follow advice. One of my writing mentors successfully wrote and sold 7 books in the past 7 years. Each time, she handed in a full manuscript instead of a proposal. It worked for her, and she suggests her students do the same.
2. Reduce stress. I’ve written articles, penned columns and contributed chapters to others’ anthologies. But, this is my first full memoir. As I mentioned in my last update, it’s nice to take as long as I need to grow, learn and finish it — without the added stress of looming deadlines from editors. That will come later :)
3. Get it out of the way. As more than one published authors reminded me: “It’s not like finishing the proposal means you don’t have to write the book. You’ve gotta write it anyway, so may as well do it now.”
4. Understand the Project. For me, the biggest benefit of writing the full thing is that I’ve come to understand my project MUCH better. When I started, I didn’t have a clear sense of what I was doing with it. I knew I was writing a memoir, but the outline was pretty vague. I’m much more focused now that I’ve written the first full draft.

That said, quite frankly, I don’t think there’s one “right” way to write a book. Jean-Dominique Bauby supposedly finished The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by blinking the whole thing out one letter at a time over the course of a year or so. NaNoWriMo are sprinting through it all in a month. Cliff Chase, one of my favorite people from my time spent working as a peon at Newsweek, told me he dedicated many many years to finishing Winkie. (The book Writing a book is like completing marathon. Both require a tremendous amount of motivation, effort and time. But, the purpose isn’t to “win.” It’s about finishing it at your own pace to accomplish whatever personal goal(s) you’ve set for yourself. So, I guess the question: “How should I write a book?” is: Follow whichever way works for you and stick with it the best you can until you finish.

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Credit paid: Marathon image is by Randy Lemoine

November 3rd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown