Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

In Pictures: How I Organized My Tiny NYC Bathroom

I’m still settling into my new apartment. (Don’t EVEN get me started on the ongoing kitchen table debacle!!) Anyway. Moving right along. My place is approx. 450 sq. ft., and I’m in love with Apartment Therapy. (The site helps people “make their homes more beautiful, organized and healthy” regardless of size.) In case you’re curious, I thought I’d share with you a few house porn pics of my smallest space: the bathroom. Here’s the “before” photo:

Oh how I love the toilet-sink-bathtub sandwiches in Manhattan apartments! ;) It doesn’t bother me that everything’s squished together, but I’m not a fan of built-in soap dishes or the thick band of pink shower tile. Because I don’t own, I can’t overhaul it. So, here’s what I did instead. I bought a 100% cotton, thick, white shower curtain to keep the pink tile out of sight. I placed a collection of green and neutral-hued vintage bottles on the sink’s counter to draw your eye away from the soap holders. Yay for color!

Other bathroom items? Toiletries. I have ample storage space. That said, the shelves looked really cluttered until I organized my shampoos, conditioners, soaps and other hair / skin / face goodies. Here’s the BEFORE and AFTER:

So, that’s the bathroom! If you want to know more about individual items in the space, click any of the images above. You’ll be directed to my Flickr which includes notes describing each piece.

Technorati Tags: Apartment Therapy, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Twanna A. Hines

November 29th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

It’s My Pleasure, Really

Just a quick shout out to say thank you to everyone who reads this site, follows my freelance articles and supports my other creative projects. Before boarding my outbound flight for the holiday weekend, I received the following Thanksgiving message in my Facebook inbox from an older, white male Funky Brown Chick reader:

“I’m thankful for discovering you and realizing that I’m not the dirty perv freakazoid that my Pentecostal mother said I was. Thank you for providing the platform for having an honest discussion about sex as a joyous and wonderful experience. Hope you have a wonderful holiday [...]“

I’m really grateful for the encouragement, fun comments, kind words and other things a bunch of you send me via Twitter, Facebook, email and elsewhere supporting my writing. Pssst! Read this post if you want to know why I switched careers from international affairs to publishing in 2005. I’m still growing, changing and figuring out life as I go. (Aren’t we all?) So, to those of you who’ve supported my work in any way — reading, subscribing, commenting, sharing online, etc. — a heartfelt THANK YOU during this Thanksgiving weekend.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, gratitude, thankfulness, Thanksgiving

November 29th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [4] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How Do You Know If You’re ‘Good in Bed’?

I don’t think I give extraordinarily stellar performances in the sack, nor am I particularly horrible. I prefer quality over quantity. I don’t sleep with everyone; so, if I sleep with a particular guy, I want to do it in many positions, places and times of day … pushing our sexual and emotional boundaries as much as we’re both comfortable. And, if I’m really really really really into a guy (and things have progressed to a relationship), my brown body aches for him to touch, taste, smell, penetrate, lick, pinch and suck every single millimeter of it. In my mind, great sex is about mutual pleasure — my humping partner respecting, tending to and pleasing me as much as they want to do the same for them. Of course there are exceptions. If the guy can’t last longer than a few seconds, it doesn’t generally make for a good time. Period. If the dude is EXTREMELY attentive to my body, I’m probably going to have a really good time no matter what.

Who decides how/what/who makes a good lover? Everyone has different answers to that question. So, feel free to share your ideas in the comments section below. I’m particularly interested in hearing from: (1) people who have specific deal breakers that automatically make them go limp / dry up during sex; (2) people who’ve been with men or women who were LOUSY lovers and (3) people who’ve been with EXCELLENT lovers. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, here’s your shot: Use the comments section to describe what works well and what doesn’t.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, women

November 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [22] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Manly Monday Pick: Adam Lambert (Glambert perfomance @ AMAs)

Who doesn’t love a (bi-curious) nice Jewish boy? If the mock cock suck at last night’s American Music Awards didn’t win you over, I don’t know what will!! For me, Glambert is a new discovery. I don’t watch American Idol. So, truth be told, I was wholly unaware and uninterested in the kid until I read his Out magazine interview (part 1, part 2) as well as EIC Aaron Hicklin’s open letter. (”Getting gay stars like yourself [on our cover] is another matter. Much easier to stick you in Details, where your homosexuality can be neutralized by having you awkwardly grabbing a woman’s breast and saying, ‘Women are pretty.; So are kittens, Adam, but it doesn’t mean you have to make out with them.’”) Love Lambert’s classy response. (If you missed it: Chill. I’m not your puppet.) Love him. He’s hardly the first gay / bisexual / bi-curious / gender bending / whatever (who the fuck cares because it’s his business, not mine) rockstar. We’ve been in these waters before, and he’s definitely making bolder moves than David Bowie’s public denials and shame about ever touching a penis. Talk about (social) climate change.

“All hail freedom of expression and artistic integrity,” indeed. Love love LOVE him. But, you know I’m biased. Guy-on-guy action turns me on. What say you? Adam Lambert: hot or not?

Technorati Tags: Aaron Hicklin, Adam Lambert, AMA performance, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Out magazine, Twanna A. Hines, video

November 23rd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How Men Learn to Masturbate

I’ve gotta hand it to Marty Beckerman and Shawn Hollenbach. Last month, at my friend Rachel’s In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, they told a room stuffed with strangers & friends how they learned to masturbate. Separately. I know them; although they’re equally sexy & hilarious, they’re not together. Marty digs chicks. Shawn likes dick. In any case, I love “How I Learned to Masturbate” stories. If you want to read about my first time using a vibrator, it’s on New York Press’ sex column Flavor of the Week. For two guys’ perspectives, here ya go:

SYNOPSIS: Shawn is a comedian who co-produces The Back Room — “a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics” — at Ochi’s Lounge every Friday night at 9pm. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “As I’m doing this, I’m exfoliating my penis [...] It was the most horrific feeling in the world … with my raw penis.”

SYNOPSIS: Marty Beckerman wrote Dumbocracy, Generation S.L.U.T. and Death to All Cheerleaders. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “Suuurpriiiise … Your dick is fucked!” and “No more floor fucking tonight. Weeeell, maybe after the reading.”

If you like the videos above and you live in New York, drop by Kettle of Fish tonight to see Marty, go to Ochi’s on Friday to see Shawn or come to Rachel’s erotic reading series tomorrow. If you don’t live in New York, and you’d like info on male masturbation, Babeland can hook you up with sex toys for men.

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, Marty Beckerman, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Shawn Hollenbach, traumatic masturbatory syndrome, Twanna A. Hines

November 18th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Had Sex Five Times This Year … So Far

I don’t get nearly as much action as men often think I do. Apparently, if you write about (shh, whisper it!) S-E-X — or condoms, dating, relationships and stuff related to getting it on — the assumption seems to be: you must screw around a lot! Seriously? Have we, as a culture, become THAT repressed? I’m human. I’m an adult. Sex happens. Does that mean it occurs every day? Nope. Does it happen with every guy I meet? Absolutely not. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I’m much more exacting than that. Even if I wasn’t, who the hell cares?

I’m single. Using only one hand, I can count the number of times I’ve had sex in 2009 — I mean, you know, with someone besides myself. I don’t keep track of my trysts any more than I keep track of how many times I exercise in a month; The number on its own is meaningless. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say I had sex 4 or 5 times this year. Granted, I have a high sex drive and each “time” included multiple sessions throughout the night and next morning. But, the point is: My bedroom HARDLY has an open door policy. There’s no velvet rope, but I will say this: Very few guys have seen my apartment, fewer know what my bed looks like and even fewer can say they’ve been between my legs — or pumped away inside my vagina while hunched over my back — on my mattress. Or my floor. Or my shower. Or anywhere else in my home.

I know plenty of friends and acquaintances in dead relationships and marriages. I don’t want to date someone for the sake of dating, and I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong guy. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel lonely, wish I had a boyfriend or grow bored of sleeping solo. Nor, for the record, does that mean I haven’t nakedly thumped away with a younger guy or foreign dude (or both!) warmly squeezed between my inner thighs at 2:00a.m., noisily waking the neighbors. [Whistles innocently. Looks at sky. Avoids direct eye contact.] Um, right, so, where was I? Yes …  For now, it simply means, I’m not making my dating life a high priority. Sex life? If I get an itch, I’ll scratch it myself or occasionally accept one of my guy friends / acquaintances’ happy offers.

To be clear, sure, I would still like to fall feet first into a healthy, stable, longterm relationship with a handsome, witty and funny man. But, I’m kind of “over” making efforts to “make it happen.” No more online dating sites. No matchmakers. I’m done. Tired. Finished for the moment. Oddly, now that I’ve pulled away, I’ve met more interesting men in the past few months than I have all year. But, that’s neither here nor there. For now, I’m focused on other things. Writing. The Holidays. Spending great times with good friends. Getting ready to see my family in Illinois. That’s the stuff that occupies my time. Everything else is secondary for now.

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Credit paid: Photo by Mo Riza

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines

November 17th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [15] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What If the Condom Breaks?

Although I use condoms when I have sex, I’ve certainly gone riding without a saddle with longterm boyfriends but, luckily, I’ve never been pregnant, I’m not HIV+ and I’ve never had an STD / STI. When I think about it, it’s kind of creepy that a tiny little rubber keeps my health and childfree status safe. Have you ever wondered: “What if it breaks?” (I’ve had a few break in the past, but those are stories for a different blog post.) In any case, if you’ve ever wondered: “How do they test condoms to make sure it won’t break?”, here’s a video from Consumer Reports’ labs.

Source: It’s tough being perfect, but we found 7 condoms that are.

Technorati Tags: condoms, funkybrownchick, latex condoms, polyurethane condoms, Twanna A. Hines

November 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown

In Pictures: This Is What I Look Like in Bra & Panties

If we’re close, you might know (or, maybe, you didn’t) I don’t generally wear supplemental clothing — no socks, pantyhose, underwear or other items of aren’t really “necessary” for daily functioning. Of course, there are exceptions: when I run, I wear socks inside of my tennis shoes because they protect my feet from excessively rubbing against the leather & rubber; as an accessory, I often fancy up skirts & dresses with patterned hose or fish nets; and, sometimes, I match panties with a pretty bra. I LOVE matching sets.

When I wrote anonymously, I regularly posted pictures in my bra & panties because I found it liberating. It was like telling the world: “This is what a 30-something black woman looks like without her clothes on!! Oh, and, by the way, there’s NOTHING wrong with looking at underwear. It’s not necessarily crude, pervy, titillating, disgusting or pornographic. Yay panties!!!” (Hell, I even flirted with the idea of running a panties blog: Panties210.)

Of course, it was easy to be bolder and more bare — and, since we’re on the topic, give graphic details about my sex & dating life — when my name wasn’t linked to my words. Faceless, I didn’t worry what my past employers, boyfriends, lovers, church members and family might think. Once I came out, linking “Twanna A Hines” and “Funky Brown Chick” together, I stopped the undie pics. It’s time to change that. Why? Because I still believe there’s nothing wrong with seeing a 30-something black woman in her underwear.

This pairing above is one of my favorites because it makes me feel like Wonder Woman. You won’t see me in any underwear ads because I’m neither white nor a size 00. (Nor do I desire to be either.) My stomach isn’t as firmly toned as it was 5 or 10 years ago, but I’m learning my waistline isn’t a measure of my self worth. Whenever I feel doubt, insecurity and/or question whether I’m making the right decisions in love, life or elsewhere, I slip on the superhero set and say: “Somehow, everything’s gonna be alright. I’m going to be okay.”

Technorati Tags: bra, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, lingerie, panties, Twanna A. Hines, Underwear, women, Wonder Woman

November 13th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [24] folks got down with the Funky Brown