How Do You Know If You’re ‘Good in Bed’?
I don’t think I give extraordinarily stellar performances in the sack, nor am I particularly horrible. I prefer quality over quantity. I don’t sleep with everyone; so, if I sleep with a particular guy, I want to do it in many positions, places and times of day … pushing our sexual and emotional boundaries as much as we’re both comfortable. And, if I’m really really really really into a guy (and things have progressed to a relationship), my brown body aches for him to touch, taste, smell, penetrate, lick, pinch and suck every single millimeter of it. In my mind, great sex is about mutual pleasure — my humping partner respecting, tending to and pleasing me as much as they want to do the same for them. Of course there are exceptions. If the guy can’t last longer than a few seconds, it doesn’t generally make for a good time. Period. If the dude is EXTREMELY attentive to my body, I’m probably going to have a really good time no matter what.
Who decides how/what/who makes a good lover? Everyone has different answers to that question. So, feel free to share your ideas in the comments section below. I’m particularly interested in hearing from: (1) people who have specific deal breakers that automatically make them go limp / dry up during sex; (2) people who’ve been with men or women who were LOUSY lovers and (3) people who’ve been with EXCELLENT lovers. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, here’s your shot: Use the comments section to describe what works well and what doesn’t.
November 24th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Birds and nerds are *always* great in the sack.
November 24th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Twanna great post- I’m on the fence about this one. Honestly, I think it comes down to you’re a good lover or you’re not! It’s true I’ve laughed with other women as we swapped stories about the same dude. How could the sex have been bad with both of us? For me you got it or you don’t… And good sex really comes down to knowing the body- that’s my take.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I know for sure that the best I ever had was with this one guy, in which we had an amazing spiritual, emotional, and intellectual connection. I had a girlfriend who was astounded by the fact that he was not the type I typically go for physically. But we had a lot in common and could talk for hours about stuff no one else would care about but two geeks (yes I am a geek on the sneak).Which I think just goes to show, that great sex is more than just the physical.
Shout out to the short geeky guy who totally rocked my world!!!
November 24th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I think it is kinda all relative…It depends on you and your partners expectations. I know my wife thinks I am a REALLY good lover. That being said, I know I am no sexual dynamo and would surely disappoint many (most?) other women.
It comes down to familiarity, knowing boundaries, etc.. I know right where her buttons are and can pick and choose when to push them to make sure she is supremely satisfied. Likewise, she knows her way around me pretty well ;) .
We just celebrated a milestone anniversary and probably had the best sex throughout the long weekend away that we’d had in a while (and we have what I’d consider a GREAT, frequent, sex life). It was truly exhilarating to the point that all each of us wanted was more. There is no doubt in my mind that kind of mind-blowing sex comes from me being “good in bed” for her and her likewise for me.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
For me, it is all about the connection and the individual. That being said, it never hurts to be the sort of person who explores and reads up; on the subject…
November 24th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
It’s not me, it’s us?
I used to be good in bed, I think, but over a decade with a woman who’s wonderful in many ways but just doesn’t get this sex thing has taken its toll. But I’m not even sure — maybe I’m not that inspiring, and she’s just reflecting. (NB – this kind of self-doubt sucks the beef right out of the wienie.)
But 15 years ago, I had a six-month thang, and I’ve been looking for that ever since. Neither one of us has been that fulfilled since, and we know because when we bump into each other every few years that yearning tension is still there. It’s scary now, since we’re married to other people, but I miss that connection with someone, that connection that makes you want to do wrong, right now. We fucked a lot, and it was good.
But was it because of me, or us, or her? I don’t even know anymore.
November 24th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Going 90% of the way….Stop….Go another 9% of the way….Stop….Go all the way….
November 24th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Loved this post!
Here’s my two cents.
I think being a good lover is determined by a person’s openess, selfness (i.e. giving to your partner) and willingness to communicate.
November 25th, 2009 at 4:02 am
I am the WORST lover in the world! You should definitely NOT have sex with me. The last thing you want to do is give up 8-9 hours of your time bothering with mindblowing orgasms. You’ll be spent … unable to move. You may even have to call into work the next day to sleep in. The neighbors will hate you … what with you screaming and all. Torn clothing. Broken furniture. It’s RIDICULOUS! So… whatever you do (and I think it’s clear what NOT to do), I would highly advise against flying out here and spreading those delicious chocolate thighs for me. Just don’t do it. Seriously. Watch some TV. Read a book. Sooooo not worth it.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
if you are good…. there will be repeat performances ….. mucho…..
lamesabassman….. and if you’re bad…. there is no reset button…. massive recalls forever
” Wake me when you’re done, since you’re the only one having fun..”
November 25th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Happy Thanksgiving to one and all…..
lamesabassman….. am hoping that Mr. D will be indoors and off everybody’s menu…
November 26th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Wow, hmmmm, let’s see… I figured I’d give the young, single guy’s take on this topic. What makes a good lover? Well, I’d agree with most of you that a woman’s willingness to be open and selfless is where it starts…(And of course, likewise on my behalf). Foreplay is where it starts and ends for me. To me, foreplay is actually better and more intimate than the penetration itself…but I have to be honest…and speak-up if you feel me on this one…I am firm believer and supporter of the long-lost artform of “making-out!”. Is it just me or are tweens the only people who take the time to make-out anymore? For me, the anticipation begins with wondering all night when or how I’m going to attempt to kiss this woman’s amazing, sexy, full lips…? I stare at them all night across the dinner table or while we sit and talk and finally, when it does come to fruitation, whether or not she CAN kiss is a make or break situation! Ever been soooo attracted to someone, and then kiss them and it’s awful!?!? OMG, it’s like stepping onto a wet floor with the new socks you just put on! It ruins everything! The chemistry is all but gone, you aren’t even in the mood anymore, and you’re about ready to make up an excuse as to why you have to sleep in your own bed tonight!
The other thing that will really turn me off, and ultimately as you put it Twanna, “go limp”—is if a woman refuses to give head. Now, it isn’t refusal for lack of an appropriate relationship with me that bothers me. My turn-off stems from me willingly taking my time to open her up and make sure I do the best, most delicate, attentive job licking her as if she was doing it herself… After pleasing my partner, the “I don’t do that,” or the “I’m not comfortable with that yet” comes out…Yet she had NO issues receiving great head… For me, I will immediately get up, and get dressed and let her know thanks, but no thanks to continuing with sex and leave her feeling naked and unwanted. (The same way I felt in her refusal to return the favor…)
Great lovers???? I mean that comes with letting go…I mean, complete and utter trust and willingness to let it all out. After all, sex I believe, should always be accompanied by smiles…The most dirty, taboo, naughty things are welcome in those moments—and her willingness will secure her place in sexual infamy… ;)
Just my two cents…
LOL. ;)
November 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
lamesabassman: Once again I survived the bird-munch. People usually say they don’t want me because of my skinny legs, but I think it’s because I show them my loaded AK-47 as soon as they start towards me with the axe.
November 27th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
well lets see….
I like to kiss…so full lips are a must.
also must be confident enough to walk across the room completely naked
November 28th, 2009 at 2:32 am
Wow, great post…i agree whole heartedly with quality over quanity baby, cause aint nothing like fucking somebody that your sexually in tune with, it makes explosive sex, makes u climax hard and heavy, whew!!!
As far as your brown body aching for all those things, i like to thing i can cure that for given the opportunity!!!
November 28th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Baba Doodlius: Nerds are EXCELLENT in the sack!
Mikowrites: Definitely an interesting take: “you got it or you don’t.” And, in some ways, I totally agree with you –> Yes people can improve (or have an “off” night). That said, there is a basic level of skill that’s either there or not.
indigodiamond: You said “not the type I typically go for physically.” I used to write guys off by saying, “He’s not my type” until one friend told me “Yeah, but look how good your ‘type’ has worked out for you so far!”
Horton: Congrats on your anniversary! :)
Ryan: Yes, in many ways, education is GOOD :)
Royster: It’s hard to tell. Two thoughts: (1) In sexual desire, sometimes, nothing is a good as the thing you want but can’t have. (2) It’s often hard to return to a “place.” We meet people at specific times and place. Time passes. Things change. I used to date (and after we broke that off, hook up) with a guy friend who was a really good lover. Hooking up again years later wasn’t any good. We were in different places emotionally and the whole thing felt flat and contrived. I used to be TOTALLY under his spell. Now, I see him (and what we had) for what it was. Anyway. Long response to basically say: Who knows what it would be like if you went down that road again. Could be even better because of the forbidden fruit factor. Could be worse because of the guilt. In any case, it’s at least a little bit likely to be “different” than you both remember.
AnthonyB: Okay, so what’s you’re saying is this: You’re a tease! ;)
Skye Blue: Yep. And, self confidence weighs in very heavily as well.
Buddha: When does the next flight leave? ;) By the way, you said: “The neighbors will hate you … what with you screaming and all.” Um, yeah … Funny you mention this because, already, I soooo can’t look my neighbors in the eye. They can tell you EXACTLY how many times I’ve had sex this year.
lamesabassman: Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!!! :)
TeacherMan: Good you mentioned foreplay. You should weigh in on: Is Sexual Tension Better Than Sex?.
dkzone: I almost had an overshare moment, but I stopped myself.
bwill: You said, “aint nothing like fucking somebody that you’re sexually in tune with, it makes explosive sex, makes u climax hard and heavy, whew!!!” YES, YES, YES!!!! :)
November 30th, 2009 at 11:17 am
It’s ok….you can overshare all over me anytime you want.
;)
December 1st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
To Twanna: I agree about nerds. It’s always the guy you underestimate that can surprise you the most. I just think that being willing to do things that most people won’t and not having that many limitations makes a good lover. There is nothing worse than being with someone who has this 10 page list of what they won’t do. I like to be open to doing it all. Being with someone that shares this view makes it even better.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:55 am
dkzone: :)
Puma73: I’m with you re: nerds!
December 9th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
How do you know you’re good in bed?…..
they ask for seconds
;)
December 14th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I think being a good lover really depends on what satisfies you, what you are looking for. For some women, maybe just a big hard dick will satisfy, for some a certain body type, for some sweet and soft love making, for some rough love making….. I guess the list could go on and on …………
For me, I have to feel that person and know that he feels me too. I would have to be attracted to him. I absolutely love a great kisser, cause I have my phd in kissing (smile). Next love making…… he should have an imagination of making me feel good… know where to touch, how to touch it, how long to touch it, when to give and when to hold (making me want more). He should be able to use his lips like magic, he should know how to whisper those sweet stuff in my ears that makes me flow like a river. And when we join…….. ihis manhood should be adequate (not too small- sorry guys with small ones), and he should know how and when to work it. After he has brought me to the point of ecstasy, I should feel like I had an outer body experience, like I levitated, like my body just raised off the bed, even I am still on it (smile).
And just as I am happy about receiving good sweet mind blowing loving, I am just as happy to give it.
December 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
He should:
1. Hold me so tight. Make me feel his manhood.
2. Moan… gently, like he’s enjoying it.
3. Suck on my breasts/ nipples like a starving person.
4. Squeeze my bum so hard.. until it hurts.. not to the point where it bruises though.
5. Be so into it, wouldn’t even remember all the tiny details the next day.
6. Kiss passionately while his dick is inside: still holding on my boob and ass when I’m on top.
7. Have the ability to repeat. Not give in to sex right away after the 1st sex session.
8. Moan when being given a head.
9. Sniff and kiss my neck… leave love-bite marks on.
Hmmmmm…. Men like that are not easy to find. Unfortunately, I only got to experience this ONCE on a one-night stand!
March 17th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Income is extremely tight in my loved ones proper now so several extras are already eliminated from our budget. The earliest thing to go was our cell phone plan and cable wasn’t far behind. At 1st I thought this would be a huge issue as my husband likes to watch sitcom re-runs. Yet, this hasn’t been a issue as he is capable to Get Cracked Porn Site Logins. as well as other favorites of his. I’m glad he found these as I don’t want him to lose everything he loves. Thankfully, I’m capable to write part of our Internet fees off for my job so we didn’t have to get rid of that also. I believe that would happen to be the final straw for him.