Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

New York, I Hate You … But, I Love You Too.

Just got back from an extended trip to Illinois. When I’m in the Midwest, I get really nostalgic and I wonder why I ever left. Sometimes, I fucking hate New York. Seriously. I want to be near my Chicago-based family and friends again. And, I miss having a decent standard of living that didn’t require forking over my entire paycheck to support it. If I lived in Chicago, I’d see my closest relatives on a regular basis. My Midwest mortgage + car payment would be less than my NYC rent. Sometimes, I look at my friends back home and I’m jealous that they’re able to live in an extremely comfortable world. They go on nice vacations. They own the spaces in which they live. They have what seems like — from the outside at least — VERY easy lives. Yes, I know the facade often hides what’s beneath. And, yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. (But, sometimes, I do.) Fuck me; I’m human.

I think back to the years I lived in the CHI. I had a great job, wonderful apartment, padded savings account, etc. But, I felt soooo alone and out of place there. I didn’t feel like I could be myself because people would judge me. I’ve said it before: People generally come from all over the entire world to live in New York City. People generally come from all over the entire Midwest to live in Chicago. In my mind, Illinois is provincial. That doesn’t make it a bad place. Actually, on the contrary, that’s one of its good points. The place is STUFFED with decent fucking down home people — the kind that often seem sparce on the Isle of Manhattan. It’s as if Illinois is the “sensible guy” I should be dating. But, I can’t help it. I’ve never been any good at: (1) being good or (2) doing something solely because it was good for me. Give me a stable, healthy existence without any real challenges (i.e. Illinois) and I’ll bore. I want thrills. Fun. Adventure. Shitty experiences that I’ll bitch and moan about for ages until, years later, I’ll be thankful they caused to me grow into a better person. To me, that’s better than experiencing regrets and unfulfilled dreams. I want to live. You know, like, REALLY live instead of just settling for something that’s the sensible/right thing to do.

Anyway. So, yeah, I really fucking hate New York sometimes. But, I love it too.

Changing the subject. Kind of.

You know it snowed in Illinois on Christmas, right? Snow can be pretty. But, sometimes, it makes cold, damp, grey and cloudy weather.

Sure, it snows in New York, too. But, we have fun with it.

Ages ago, before I moved to Manhattan, a guy friend who is a New Yorker-turned-Chicagoan described Manhattan to me by saying, “It was like watching color TV after only having experienced black and white.” I understand. I really do.

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* Pssssst, the dating culture here is whack, too. But that’s a topic for tomorrow’s post.

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Manhattan, New York, NYC, Twanna A. Hines

December 29th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Manly Monday: What is The Average Penis Size?

Technorati Tags: dating, genitalia, genitals, Men, penises, relationships, sex, women

December 28th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Keep Men At a Distance So They Can’t Danger My Heart

I’m perched several stories in the dark sky, curled up on the floral couch of my apartment’s living room. I’m alone. It’s 2:00 a.m and Manhattan’s streets are quiet — at least they are in this part of town. Wearing panties and a t-shirt, I’m on the phone with my friend Anna-Scarlet. Speaking softly, I explain lovers from my past fall into two categories. When I’ve felt vulnerable, I gravitated toward The Silent Types. They were introverted, came from money, had few friends, managed steady careers and were total neat freaks. They were in control. Predictable. Safe. At my strongest and most independent moments, I sought fun-loving, well-traveled, wild & crazy partners in crime. Apparently, uncertainty makes me crave stability and stability makes me stircrazy.

“Why do you think I chose those men?” I question Anna-Scarlet via my little red touch phone.

My Life Choices is a topic over which I ruminate plenty. So, I didn’t ask her because I lack self reflection. I simply wanted to hear her perspective. She’s one my of favorite no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends. Unafraid to shield my feelings by only saying things I want to hear, she often provides personal insights I hadn’t considered.

“Twanna,” she sighs in a drawl. Anna-Scarlet is a fellow black woman raised in the deep south like I was (during childhood). “You’re afraid of intimacy. When you date risk-taking loose cannons, you’re actively seeking out people you know aren’t capable of forming stable relationships.”

I already know her words are true. She continues speaking, figuratively holding up a mirror to reflect an imperfection I often try to avoid. I keep men at a distance so they can’t danger my heart. Anna-Scarlet wants me to be a better person, and she wants me to have more fulfilling relationships.

My voice falls silent until I eventually mumble, “I know, I know.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. I’m not sleepy; I’m weary. Everyone has emotional baggage. I’d like to check mine in somewhere and leave them for good but, oddly, I feel more comfortable with them at my side. “Okay,” I challenge, “So, what the story with the other side of the equation? Why do I date stable dudes?”

“You write about relationships and shit!!” She giggles. “Why are you asking me?”

“Even doctors seek second opinions when it comes to their personal health. Outside perspectives are always good.”

“True,” she agrees.

I think I hear her nod. “Soooo?” I wait. “What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’?”

“When do you think I’ll stop repeating the same patterns?”

“Twanna,” she starts. “You’ll stop seeking stability in men once you’ve discovered that for yourself. And, you’ll stop dating unattainable guys when you get tired of the dance and you’re ready to settle down.”

I know she’s right.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 22nd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

In Pictures: Caption This Photo: ___________

My friend John is an actor in New York, and I love film. So, last night, we went to the “IFP & Shooting People Holiday Happy Hour.” Although my hair looks a bit messy, I actually really really LIKE this photo of us. Plus, I love how full my chest looks. On Flickr, I actually titled the picture “My Boobs Look Huge In This Dress.” :)

Funky Brown Chick readers are witty, clever, fun and interesting! Feel free to use your creativity to caption the photo above. If you’re new around here, my only comment policy is “Be Kind” (to me, the your fellow comment leavers, etc., etc.) So, if you want to post something shitty about me — or my charming & amazing friend John — please don’t waste your time.

Technorati Tags: 92YTribeca, funky brown chick, IFP Film, John Jude, Shooting People, Twanna A. Hines

December 17th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How To Pick Up Women

If you could see my calendar, you’d know why I didn’t get around to updating Funky Brown Chick yesterday. (Actually, in case you’re interested, here’s a screenshot.) There’s something on every evening. And, some nights, like tonight, there are several events at the same time. Things are a bit crazier than usual because it’s the holiday season + end of the year when everything gets crammed in before we all kiss 2009 goodbye. Speaking of “kissing” (and events), I had a great time at Abiola’s Kiss and Tell Live. It’s a monthly erotic reading series. If you missed it last night, come in February for The Valentine’s Day Hangover. I’ll be performing. Haven’t decided what yet, but I’ll probably put it to a vote later and let Funky Brown Chick readers decide.

At last night’s Kiss and Tell, I’d already met everyone except the duo named Dave and Ethan. I checked out their website. They’ve got quite a few fun videos, so I thought I’d share one with you today.

Oooh, ooh, ooh, this gives me an idea!!! For the February performance, I might share the sexy story about how one of my exes picked me up. Hmmm … Gotta think about whether or not I want to talk about that one. Anyway. Guys, if you’ve got a fun story about picking up a woman you adored, feel free to share it in the comments section below. Ditto for the women; If someone wooed you particularly well, tell us how they did it.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, how to pick up women, Men, relationships, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Santigold: Hot, Sexy Brown Woman Alert!!!

If we’re friends on Facebook, you already know I’ve recently discovered Santigold. By “discovered” I mean, yesterday at lunch at FreeFoods, a great song blasted overhead. Wondering what is was, I whipped out my touch phone, threw it in the air and loaded Shazam. Voila, L.E.S. Artists! It appears Santigold’s first singles dropped in 2008. But Rolling Stone, always in touch with what’s new, already named her an Artist to Watch in 2007. I’m late to the game on this one, so many of you have probably already heard of her. In any case, I’m posting the video because I LOVE it. Hope you like it, too!

In case you were wondering … Nope, no one’s paying me to plug her or otherwise endorse her stuff. I just like the music.

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, LES Artists, music, Santigold, Twanna A. Hines

December 10th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Top 25 Must-See Foreign Films (No dubbing!!)

Blowing dust off my inbox, I’m answering an old question from a Funky Brown Chick reader. A few months ago, someone asked: “I seem to like your taste in films. I was wondering if you could do a blog about top foreign films that are a ‘must see’ or that you’ve just plain ol’ enjoyed.” Of course I can! It’s hardly a “Best Foreign Films EVER” list; nevertheless, in alphabetical order and off the top of my head, here are 25 of my personal favorite romantic comedies, dramas, indie flicks and other films from other countries. Click links to see trailers. If you’ve seen any of the movies — or, if I’ve left a flick off the list and you’d like to recommend it to me — feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section below.

1. 2 Days in Paris (Similar: Broken English)
2. Bend It Like Beckham
3. Better Than Sex
4. Buddy (Tiny Norwegian film about fame & friendship)
5. Karakter
6. Cinema Paradiso
7. City of God
8. Europa Europa
9. Farinelli
10. Flirting
11. La Femme Nikita
12. Late Marriage
13. L’Auberge Espagnole
14. Love and Other Catastrophes
15. Love Serenade (Tiny Australian flick about dating)
16. Moolaadé
17. Muriel’s Wedding
18. Priceless
19. Rudo y Cursi
20. Run Lola Run
21. Stranded: I’ve Come from a Plane that Crashed on the Mountains (Similar: Touching the Void)
22. The Bubble
23. The Edukators
24. The Vanishing
25. Y tu mamá también

Technorati Tags: film, foreign film, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, movies, relationships, romantic comedies, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 9th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Manly Monday: Tiger Woods’ Hole In One (Or More)

Gaaaah! I’m tired of this story already. When I heard about Tiger Woods car crash, I tweeted about it because I thought the guy was dying. As the story unfolded, it was clear his life and limbs were not in jeopardy. His groin’s adventures became the “real” headline.

Several people recently asked, “You write about relationships. What do you think about Tiger Woods?” As I’ve said before, If PERSON A cheats on PERSON B with PERSON C, it’s really no one’s business except the parties involved. Tiger is neither my father, lover, husband nor an acquaintance. Right now, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be in Elin Nordegren’s shoes. That said, I’m uninterested in her & her husbands’ personal affairs. In fact, I think the fascination with love lives of the rich & famous says more about our country’s penchant for gawking than it does about our spry young Tiger’s alleged ability to wear women out. Pssst! If you’re interested in theories about Americans’ general views on cheating, I’ve previously written about the topic over at Huffington Post. (Link: Political Sex Scandals: Obama, McCain & Palin.) I also recommend Google Searches for Information about Tiger Woods vs. Afghanistan.

Ah, each day has its many complications, joys, thrills, disappointments, challenges and surprises, no? Many ideas enter my thoughts, but Tiger Woods’ personal life isn’t typically one of them. I pray about my family. I get excited that I’m almost finished with my book. I question how long I’ll remain in New York. I think about my future plans. I hang out and have great times with good friends. I improve my personal finances. Tiger Woods? As long as the man isn’t breaking the law or committing any crimes, I think he deserves his privacy. I’m glad he’s safe. I wish him the best at golf, and I hope he has (or finds) peace in his home life.

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Credit paid: Image is by freelance sports photographer Keith Allison.

Technorati Tags: cheating, Elin Nordegren, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, infidelity, mistresses, Tiger Woods, Twanna A. Hines

December 7th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [15] folks got down with the Funky Brown