I’m perched several stories in the dark sky, curled up on the floral couch of my apartment’s living room. I’m alone. It’s 2:00 a.m and Manhattan’s streets are quiet — at least they are in this part of town. Wearing panties and a t-shirt, I’m on the phone with my friend Anna-Scarlet. Speaking softly, I explain lovers from my past fall into two categories. When I’ve felt vulnerable, I gravitated toward The Silent Types. They were introverted, came from money, had few friends, managed steady careers and were total neat freaks. They were in control. Predictable. Safe. At my strongest and most independent moments, I sought fun-loving, well-traveled, wild & crazy partners in crime. Apparently, uncertainty makes me crave stability and stability makes me stircrazy.
“Why do you think I chose those men?” I question Anna-Scarlet via my little red touch phone.
My Life Choices is a topic over which I ruminate plenty. So, I didn’t ask her because I lack self reflection. I simply wanted to hear her perspective. She’s one my of favorite no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends. Unafraid to shield my feelings by only saying things I want to hear, she often provides personal insights I hadn’t considered.
“Twanna,” she sighs in a drawl. Anna-Scarlet is a fellow black woman raised in the deep south like I was (during childhood). “You’re afraid of intimacy. When you date risk-taking loose cannons, you’re actively seeking out people you know aren’t capable of forming stable relationships.”
I already know her words are true. She continues speaking, figuratively holding up a mirror to reflect an imperfection I often try to avoid. I keep men at a distance so they can’t danger my heart. Anna-Scarlet wants me to be a better person, and she wants me to have more fulfilling relationships.
My voice falls silent until I eventually mumble, “I know, I know.”
Now it’s my turn to sigh. I’m not sleepy; I’m weary. Everyone has emotional baggage. I’d like to check mine in somewhere and leave them for good but, oddly, I feel more comfortable with them at my side. “Okay,” I challenge, “So, what the story with the other side of the equation? Why do I date stable dudes?”
“You write about relationships and shit!!” She giggles. “Why are you asking me?”
“Even doctors seek second opinions when it comes to their personal health. Outside perspectives are always good.”
“True,” she agrees.
I think I hear her nod. “Soooo?” I wait. “What?”
“What do you mean ‘what’?”
“When do you think I’ll stop repeating the same patterns?”
“Twanna,” she starts. “You’ll stop seeking stability in men once you’ve discovered that for yourself. And, you’ll stop dating unattainable guys when you get tired of the dance and you’re ready to settle down.”
I know she’s right.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
now this is the real shit. anna-scarlet hit it on the head. for what it’s worth, stable guys who are edgy, fun-loving and well traveled DO exist. we’re just waiting for the woman who’s grown enough to not run away when we show up on their doorsteps…
nuff respect
jfb
Just wanted to say that this was a great post. :)
Hmmm, I know you already knew the answers to these questions. BUT we always need to hear and see if something we’re supposedly missing will come up.
From reading your blog over the years up until the point you talked about your birthday I speculated you were an Aquarius. This is typical Aqua behavior, I should know being in the same predicament myself and an aqua myself. If your not into astrology I recommend checking it out for self reflection purposes; there’s definitely more to it than daily horoscope mumbo jumbo. Do an astro chart for your other placements as well.
The matter of changing our behavior is the hardest, but I’m trying…Seems like whenever I’m ready there is no one in sight lol.
I know you not at all and I could have told you the same thing. How? I’ve heard it before. Not to belittle your unique uniqueness, but LOTS of folks a) have issues with intimacy, and b) have trouble changing habitual behavior. For what it’s worth, I wish you the best of success in finding whatever or whoever makes you happy.
Maybe you need to get a bird. Birds are cool.
I like this post a lot…
Just don’t waste the pretty (on someone undeserving).
Wow! Loved this post. I can so relate, though my patterns re men are a little different.
Re Anna-Scarlet and all the other women out there like her – THANK GOD for ‘no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends’.
Perhaps you’re actually looking for elements of each of these types. Believe it or not, there are guys out there who are ( well-traveled, rich, stable, funloving, introspective, yet not introverted)
How about a guy that you can sit on your couch with on a sunday morning ( T-shirt and panties) who can go from mindlessly massaging your feet while he reads the newspaper, to tickling said foot, and then sucking on a toe as a prelude to sunday morning nookie?
I’m just saying, men don’t come in black and white….but a whole lotta gray…may you’ll find the perfect shade for you
Its good to have a close friend to share your thoughts and get really good advice.
Settling down doesn’t mean you’ll lose yourself, it’ll be an enhancement to your life.
Thanks for sharing this you might want to check this cool dating Chat Line
She is a real true friend. You are blessed to call her one.And she is right when you are ready to settle down you will date accordingly.
You and all the emotions, feelings and questions you have all seem seem very normal to me. Thank you for the intimate glimpses into your life and mind. Please forgive me for having to try so hard to get past the delicious image of you in your T-shirt and panties at 2 AM. As an aside, I loved that short unscripted one take video of you on YouTube about your having kissed a boy. It was sweet and adorable.
I suggest you do not punish yourself with others fault. Be brave, there will be more happiness in your love life than sadness. Those positive people even keep seeking their loved one at niche dating community like PozRomance dot com. You should not give up love.
Good post, but why do you have to ever settle down? If you’re living life on your own terms, continue to “do you,” and date the men who interest you most.
Two thoughts.
1) You don’t give yourself and your heart enough credit. You’ve survived a lot of heartaches in your short time on this earth and have lived to tell the tale. So perhaps your heart doesn’t need you to protect it. It’s strong enough and it will survive. So, love with reckless abandonment knowing that you have friends who love you and will help you pick up the pieces if the need arise.
2) Your friend is totally on the right track, I think. You are looking for those guys to provide you something that you are missing yourself (both the crazy and the stable ones). What if you cultivate those things in yourself and find a dude who YOU WANT TO GIVE/SHARE those qualities with. When you find the guy, give with reckless abandonment w/out expecting anything in return.
Anybody else here have the sudden urge to check this cool dating Chat Line? No?
There is nothing like having a friend who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. When Mr. Right comes along, you will feel it in the pit of your stomach. I’ve only been in love twice in my life, so I know there is such a thing as finding “The One.” But there can be more than one soul mate in a lifetime and I’m experiencing that right now.
One question… just exactly what kind of panties are we talking about? :)
Hello, my dear…
Your friend is brilliant. I really do believe that we seek out what we don’t have or feel we can’t give to ourselves (thus, opposites attract). Sometimes it’s a great thing; if we’re ready for it. Other times, it’s just us avoiding something we need to work on.
Great piece.
Having a defense mechanism isn’t necessarily a bad thing. besides, you’re a friendly and likeable woman so the right man in the universe will eventually find you.