Just got back from an extended trip to Illinois. When I’m in the Midwest, I get really nostalgic and I wonder why I ever left. Sometimes, I fucking hate New York. Seriously. I want to be near my Chicago-based family and friends again. And, I miss having a decent standard of living that didn’t require forking over my entire paycheck to support it. If I lived in Chicago, I’d see my closest relatives on a regular basis. My Midwest mortgage + car payment would be less than my NYC rent. Sometimes, I look at my friends back home and I’m jealous that they’re able to live in an extremely comfortable world. They go on nice vacations. They own the spaces in which they live. They have what seems like — from the outside at least — VERY easy lives. Yes, I know the facade often hides what’s beneath. And, yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. (But, sometimes, I do.) Fuck me; I’m human.
I think back to the years I lived in the CHI. I had a great job, wonderful apartment, padded savings account, etc. But, I felt soooo alone and out of place there. I didn’t feel like I could be myself because people would judge me. I’ve said it before: People generally come from all over the entire world to live in New York City. People generally come from all over the entire Midwest to live in Chicago. In my mind, Illinois is provincial. That doesn’t make it a bad place. Actually, on the contrary, that’s one of its good points. The place is STUFFED with decent fucking down home people — the kind that often seem sparce on the Isle of Manhattan. It’s as if Illinois is the “sensible guy” I should be dating. But, I can’t help it. I’ve never been any good at: (1) being good or (2) doing something solely because it was good for me. Give me a stable, healthy existence without any real challenges (i.e. Illinois) and I’ll bore. I want thrills. Fun. Adventure. Shitty experiences that I’ll bitch and moan about for ages until, years later, I’ll be thankful they caused to me grow into a better person. To me, that’s better than experiencing regrets and unfulfilled dreams. I want to live. You know, like, REALLY live instead of just settling for something that’s the sensible/right thing to do.
Anyway. So, yeah, I really fucking hate New York sometimes. But, I love it too.
Changing the subject. Kind of.
You know it snowed in Illinois on Christmas, right? Snow can be pretty. But, sometimes, it makes cold, damp, grey and cloudy weather.
Sure, it snows in New York, too. But, we have fun with it.
Ages ago, before I moved to Manhattan, a guy friend who is a New Yorker-turned-Chicagoan described Manhattan to me by saying, “It was like watching color TV after only having experienced black and white.” I understand. I really do.
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* Pssssst, the dating culture here is whack, too. But that’s a topic for tomorrow’s post.
I would love to have a love/hate relationship with a city. Right now, unfortunately it’s just hate/hate. I own a place in Atlanta and I wish I never signed the mortgage. Anyway, I understand where your head is at though.
Oh, and how I miss the snow.
Totally understand. When I was living in NYC, I had the internal love/hate battle year round. Generally loved NY during the Spring,Summer and early Fall, Winter would bring my utter disain.
I live in Atlanta now and not all in a rush to sign any papers:)
Last thing, Twanna, I sent my friend a blog post that I wrote a few days ago and he positively gushed about your Manly Monday average penis post. He said he learned a lot, just passing his comments along.
You are on my blog roll that he is how he discovered your site.
As always this post is on fire!!! -I love it. Reminds me of how I feel being a thirty something Buffalonian. Truly this place is where I live work and play and it remains dear to me…its home. Your post Twanna reminded me of the feelings I have about Buffalo. I too hate and love this place. But I’m here. And I think it has something to do with an undergraduate professor who said this…”You can be great anywhere” those words stuck with me and after living in other cities I’m back here trying to reach greatness! Thanks for the post…its a goodie.
I suppose that’s one reason I feel so at home in Chicago. I have always done what’s “right” for me, what’s “stable.” Some may say that’s boring, but I find my challenges within the ordinary, like trying to get my husband to see that the broken laundry room door is merely part of homeownership and not something over which you should lose your cool.
cynthia & alicia: You live in the same city you too should meet. Or, at least read each other’s blogs if you don’t already :)
alicia: THANK YOU for linking my site and letting me know that your friend liked the post!
Miko Holt: I believe that: “You can be great anywhere” — emphasis on YOU. Some folks feel at home in New York … others in Atlanta .. others in London … others Johannesburg and other elsewhere. The key is finding the place that matches YOU.
Pegs: Woman, if I were a lesbian, I would totally stalk you. Why can’t you have a penis?? WHY?!?! You’re totally the yin to my yang because I, like your husband, would totally FLIP OUT and loose my shit about a broken laundry room door :) I can see it now: “Seeeee? This is why I fucking rented for so long. I would just call the super for this crap!” :)
A couple of things:
1) Is that snowman flipping somone off with the hand we can’t see?
2) Your relationships with cities sound much like your relationships with men.
3) You said “Fuck me; I’m human.”… I could make oh-so-many comments about this, but I’m not going to.
i do love new york..whenever i’m there…i live in boston now…and i know it’s not the same thing… i lived in phoenix for years and moved to boston two years ago…i question why i’m here the minute the temperaure hits below 50 degrees…
I feel the same about Seattle; she’s such a beeyotch sometimes! But, as I’m a “weather wimp”, I still love the weather here, grey skies and rain included.  It’s moody and quiet and that suits me. Although I’m not a hikey-bikey person like so many that live here, I still enjoy the natural beauty – and there’s no place like Seattle in the summer – warm nights that still have daylight until nearly 10pm, sitting outside on the deck of a restaurant on Lake Union, watching the yachts go by, sipping margaritas . . . Aaaaahhhh! It is such a boater’s paradise here! But yet, even though there’s such a great arts scene here, not enough interesting URBAN guys yet – too many fleece-wearin’ idiots! I do still toy with the idea of moving to NY; but am unsure. So for now, it’s cloudy skies and being surrounded by mountains and water – Not a bad thing at all!
I guess I’ve always been lucky, to live in the suburban shadows of NYC. So I both love the city and loathe it aswell.
kinda like the sidechick that you keep for when you want to have some fun…but loathe when you are forced to spend time with……
I love the city but I also like the suburbs where I can just feel relaxed and not have to check the doorlock before I go to sleep.  Â
My family lives in NYC and I grew up there for the most part. After grad school I moved to Dallas, TX for what should have been a 1-2 yr stint. At first I hated it b/c it was not NY. I missed the culture, the diversity, not having to drive EVERY DAMN WHERE. But once I stopped comparing it to NYC, I started appreciating Dallas for what it has to offer (wonderful people, a vibrant art scene, open space, my fabulous 2BR2Ba in a ritzy neighborhood that I could NEVER afford in the northeast, very busy dating life ;-). It’s been 4 years and I am happy as a clam at high tide. Now, when I visit the fam in NYC I can’t wait to get back home, to Dallas. The world is made up of more than NYC and Chi-town. I am thinking Portland, Seattle, Austin are all cities that could provide you w/the best of both worlds.Â
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Y’know how the decade doesn’t start until 2011? It’s based on the first year starting from 0 to 1 (A.D.), first decade 11, century 101 and so on to 2011. Here’s a thread of geekdom going at it over the decade http://www.engadget.com/2009/12/30/ten-gadgets-that-defined-the-decade Since we’re in this new millennium, shouldn’t we be ’bout it and start the decade in 2011? (and yeah, Prince got 1999 wrong, best song though)
You know what?
As much as I bitch and moan about where I live, which is St. Louis. I Love it here!
I remember going to Paris last year, and by the end of my trip, I was SO ready to be back int the Midwest where things felt familiar.
This is an interesting post about where one chooses to live. I lost my job (one of the many casualties of the lovely year 2009), and so I don’t know where I will end up geographically when I do land a job.
I am in Chicago now (actually the far suburbs), and I don’t really want to move. My family is here, and I like Chicago quite a lot. If I do end up staying, and if for any reason you move back to Chi-town, Twanna, I’d love to meet you. You seem pretty cool. And CUTE!
I keep meaning to come visit friends in NYC; it’s on my “to-do” list. I bought one of those Frommer’s travel books and everything. But now that I’ve got the time, I really am not in a financial position where I should go. So, sadly, I probably won’t be exploring NYC anytime soon.
Not having visited NYC, it’s hard for me to see what the big deal is. I mean, Chicago has lots and lots of culture: great restaurants, music, theater, public events. It’s architecturally beautiful. It’s actually every bit as ethnically diverse as New York. And Chicago is hardly a small-minded town, although rural Illinois can be. I’ve lived in Texas, briefly — believe me, I know what small-minded is!
So I ask myself, how much better could the cultural life really be? How much more open-minded could the people really be? People who live in New York (and similarly, San Francisco) assure me that it is. But then the same people tell me cost-of-living horror stories of professionals renting walk-in closets as living space. How can that possibly be worth it? How can it be worth it to live in Manhattan, in particular, unless you’re a Wall Street mogul or the heir to a cosmetics company fortune?
Maybe one of these days, I’ll actually get the chance to come visit and unravel the mystery…Â Here’s hoping.
I lived in Chicago for over 8 years – the city, that is. 54th floor at Marina City, then in another highrise by the Sears Tower (48th floor). I miss the views, the cabs, the train and the food. I don’t miss the weather or the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING to do in the Midwest.
I grew up in the suburbs. The North Shore is nice and, as I said… Chicago is a great city.  I just have no desire to go back. I wouldn’t mind living up in San Francisco, though; I fly up a few times a year to get a dose of “city” (L.A. doesn’t cut it).  My family is in New England. I can see moving there someday. I suppose it’s all about family and what you like in life. You can probably live in Fargo and be happy… if that’s where your family and friends live, too.
First I want to say I love your blog! Â This is great, so candid and so real. Thanks. Â Second I know exactly what you mean about your love/hate relationship with NYC. Â I love NYC, but I don’t live there, sometimes I wish I did, but I do live in Florence Italy which is beautiful and amazing but it is by no means perfect like everyone thinks it is, especially for a foreign woman from L.A. Â I moved there to study art and history and 10 years later I’m still here. But I know what you mean, every time I go home I see my friends and family with there big houses, 2 cars and 2.2 kids and I get depressed thinking about my little tiny studio apartment in Florence and think to myself “what am I doing here” Â there is a lack of jobs available in Florence and the salaries shameful, but I stay because the city has so much to offer otherwise and I never felt more at home than I do here. I never felt comfortable in L.A. (I am a native New Yorker by birth my entire family was born and raised there; maybe thats why) it never really felt like home to me and I always felt that I had to be something I wasn’t. Its a constant struggle though between friends and family and the city that I love/hate! So keep on keepin on! Â life has a funny way of bringing us where we are supposed to be…
I feel the same about Chicago. I love the food, the people and the culture. At the same time I hate the winter weather (it is 16 degrees) the cost of living and the corruption. I’m torn, do I move so I have nicer weather in the winter, or do I stay to be great in a place that I love? Yes you can be great anywhere but I would rather be great in Chicago, NYC, LA or Miami versus being great in Ashville, NC. Besides if it is all love wouldn’t you get a little bored? A little hate makes it interesting.
Baba Doodlius:Â Oh, but I want to hear your comments! :)
letinstar: Boston? That’s not too bad. You could have even colder weather. You could live in Chicago. I remember thinking I was going to FREEZE while waiting outside under the people warmers at the CTA. Those heater things look just like the lamps McDonalds uses to warm their fries. But, in Chicago, the city uses larger versions of them to heat people.
LadyD: Believe it or not, I’ve never been to Seattle! It’s on The List of places I’d like to visit.
dkzone: I’ve considered moving outside the city. The rents would definitely be cheaper and spaces much bigger.
Pink_Thursday: Yeah, you never know where life will lead. The first time I visited New York, I hated. When I moved here years later, I liked it but I figured I’d only stay a couple years. I’m closing out my 5th year, and I’ll begin counting the 6th this April. I soooooo never thought I’d live here as long as I have. Who knows what’s next in life. Oddly, the uncertainty is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.
timeflies: :)
The Hooker Chronicles: The Midwest is quite lovely. Sometimes I really really miss it. Especially the people.
Tom: First, sorry to hear you lost your job :( I have several friends who’ve met the same fate in recent years. It’s tough :( Thanks for the compliments, by the way! And, yes, you have to visit New York to see it. It’s not for everyone. But, for those who love it (even if we hate it sometimes), it’s worth it! :)
Buddha: I agree about the family and friends thing. Very, very true.
Sara: Firenze is GORGEOUS! I haven’t been back to Italy in ages, but I loved it when I was there. Walking the streets felt like strolling an outdoor museum. Great place! And, by the way, I loooooove what you’ve said about: “life has a funny way of bringing us where we are supposed to be…”
44Black: Indeed!
I’m definitely a ride or die NYC chick. lol, but I just came back from my first visit to Chicago, and I have to say that I loved it. So I can see how you would miss it. I love the vibe and the feel of rich culture I felt while I was there. And I’m slightly obsessed with footworkin and juke music. :-) Definitely worth a trip back there.