Last month I wrote, I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes â€” a bisexual man with many many years of delicious dick slurping experience â€” showed me how. Several of you emailed me (and a few friends directly asked) about that comment. Yes, I’ve dated bisexual men. A few. My first was a boyfriend from university days. He asked me out. I told him I thought he was gay. He responded, “Everyone thinks that.” So, of course, I asked, “Are you?” He said no. When I asked, “But, how many men have slept with?” His response was “four.” That’s when I learned people typically only answer the questions you ask them. If you ask a man, “Are you gay?” or “Are you on the down low?” the answer might be “no” if he doesn’t want to believe he is. So, now, I ask dudes, “If you could harmlessly fantasize about having sex with a man, what would that look like?” The answers are often very very juicy. It’s a conversation starter that leads to more intimate discussions about what same-sex experiences they’ve already had and/or which one’s they’re open to experiencing.
I don’t solely believe in strictly gay, straight and bisexual men. By that, I mean I don’t think guys are all 100% exclusively attracted to other guys OR 100% exclusively attracted to women OR exactly 50% into dudes / 50% into the ladies. Another one of my exes — though he’d never slept with a man (at that time) — said he wouldn’t feel his life was complete if he left the earth without being anally penetrated by another dude. To be clear, each of my bisexual guys probably wouldn’t have told me ANY of this stuff if: (1) I hadn’t asked them and (2) I didn’t communicate I would not — under absolutely any circumstance — judge them based on what they told me. So, when other women tell me they’ve never dated a bisexual guy, I usually respond, “At least not to your knowledge.”
At home, I have an original, green cloth copy of Kinsey, Pomeroy & Martin‘s 1948 edition of “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.” (Amazing what retiring sociology professors give away to their students.) The book is actually a really good read. You can buy a copy on Amazon or read it online at Google Books. In writing about his Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, Kinsey said, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual […] The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats […] The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” When Kinsey asked men about their sexual orientation, answers ranged from:
- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
- Exclusively homosexual
Fifty-two years after that study, it’s really hard for some men to admit they’re bisexual. For the most part, straight women (and many gay men) assume bi guys are really GAY … but they just haven’t, you know, totally come out of the closet yet. In fact, the first bisexual/ bi curious dude I dated mentioned this bias. Years after we broke up, he said he’d gone back to dating men exclusively because it was easier; no one challenged his sexual identity when he neatly fit within the gay box. He actually told me, “After you, Twanna, I never dated another woman again.” Wasn’t quite sure how to interpret that — i.e. either I was so much woman that he didn’t need to experience others anymore or I was so neurotic that he decided to give up vaginas for good. I’m okay with either :) Anyway. Pity he’s not into boobs anymore. Saw his pictures on Facebook and he’s fucking HOT now. Six pack abs. Sexy smile. Looks even better than he did when he only dated women.
If you’re a straight woman and you’ve had experience — either positive or negative — with discovering your lover (married or single) was bisexual, please use the comment section below to tell us about it. If you’re a gay, straight or bi dude, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well. As a guy, do you think it’s still much easy for women to be bisexual than men? And, if so, why is that STILL the case in 2010? Feel free to share your dudely or womanly thoughts on bisexuality.
Image by Caitlin Childs