Mar 232010

Last month I wrote, I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes — a bisexual man with many many years of delicious dick slurping experience — showed me how. Several of you emailed me (and a few friends directly asked) about that comment. Yes, I’ve dated bisexual men. A few. My first was a boyfriend from university days. He asked me out. I told him I thought he was gay. He responded, “Everyone thinks that.” So, of course, I asked, “Are you?” He said no. When I asked, “But, how many men have slept with?” His response was “four.” That’s when I learned people typically only answer the questions you ask them. If you ask a man, “Are you gay?” or “Are you on the down low?” the answer might be “no” if he doesn’t want to believe he is. So, now, I ask dudes, “If you could harmlessly fantasize about having sex with a man, what would that look like?” The answers are often very very juicy. It’s a conversation starter that leads to more intimate discussions about what same-sex experiences they’ve already had and/or which one’s they’re open to experiencing.

bisexuals: they do exist!

I don’t solely believe in strictly gay, straight and bisexual men. By that, I mean I don’t think guys are all 100% exclusively attracted to other guys OR 100% exclusively attracted to women OR exactly 50% into dudes / 50% into the ladies. Another one of my exes — though he’d never slept with a man (at that time) — said he wouldn’t feel his life was complete if he left the earth without being anally penetrated by another dude. To be clear, each of my bisexual guys probably wouldn’t have told me ANY of this stuff if: (1) I hadn’t asked them and (2) I didn’t communicate I would not — under absolutely any circumstance — judge them based on what they told me. So, when other women tell me they’ve never dated a bisexual guy, I usually respond, “At least not to your knowledge.”

At home, I have an original, green cloth copy of Kinsey, Pomeroy & Martin‘s 1948 edition of “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.” (Amazing what retiring sociology professors give away to their students.) The book is actually a really good read. You can buy a copy on Amazon or read it online at Google Books. In writing about his Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, Kinsey said, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual [...] The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats [...] The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” When Kinsey asked men about their sexual orientation, answers ranged from:

  • Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
  • Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
  • Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
  • Equally heterosexual and homosexual
  • Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
  • Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
  • Exclusively homosexual

Fifty-two years after that study, it’s really hard for some men to admit they’re bisexual. For the most part, straight women (and many gay men) assume bi guys are really GAY … but they just haven’t, you know, totally come out of the closet yet. In fact, the first bisexual/ bi curious dude I dated mentioned this bias. Years after we broke up, he said he’d gone back to dating men exclusively because it was easier; no one challenged his sexual identity when he neatly fit within the gay box. He actually told me, “After you, Twanna, I never dated another woman again.” Wasn’t quite sure how to interpret that — i.e. either I was so much woman that he didn’t need to experience others anymore or I was so neurotic that he decided to give up vaginas for good. I’m okay with either :) Anyway. Pity he’s not into boobs anymore. Saw his pictures on Facebook and he’s fucking HOT now. Six pack abs. Sexy smile. Looks even better than he did when he only dated women.

If you’re a straight woman and you’ve had experience — either positive or negative — with discovering your lover (married or single) was bisexual, please use the comment section below to tell us about it. If you’re a gay, straight or bi dude, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well. As a guy, do you think it’s still much easy for women to be bisexual than men? And, if so, why is that STILL the case in 2010? Feel free to share your dudely or womanly thoughts on bisexuality.

Image by Caitlin Childs

  58 Responses to “Straight Woman Dating Bisexual / Bi Curious Guys”

  1. I started dating my husband 3 years ago and just this year after a year of being married found out that he was bi.  Of course he never would admit to it and when I approached him with this he just denied it.  At the time I didn’t tell him why I suspended this, he didn’t know that I had gone through his computer and found all types of pics and odd emails.
    Though we have separated because we just felt we weren’t compatible.  I knew in my heart that I could never see him in the same light again after finding out this information.  I feel so betrayed by him and feel like I’ve lived a lie for the past three years.  Not to mention the fear of what I may have contracted from him due to him not ever wearing protection.
    It’s no one’s business how someone chooses to live their life… but I strongly feel it is when you’re deceiving or withholding such imperative information about ones lifestyles…. especially if they’re still engaging in such.
    The hardest and saddest part of it all is that deep inside I still love my husband, and miss the friend I once had in him.  But then again… was that all a lie too.

  2.  well I stumbled across this site, and I just have to say that I think Twanna is one cool chick… well my story goes like this… I have dated alot of guys that incessantly go to jail, so I do not know if I was ever dating a guy who might have been bisexual, but anyways fast forward to now, I recently caught myself in a situation that I had never been in before, out the blue I started dating this guy, who I really love and I totally see myself with, and to him the feeling is mutual he feels the same way about me, we have great chemistry and things is great, and the thing that made it difficult is the fact that he’s a “semi celebrity” he’s talented and he is somewhat in the public eye.. and when I met him I looked up his name and saw that he had been publicly “outed” by and angry ex male lover… and it was a shock to me, and I wrote him a note saying” wow I didnt knwo you were , gay ur just too sexy to be gay…I thought I had a chance with you..” and he replied that he wasn’t gay. which now I know it means he doesnt identify as “gay” but anyways we kept talking, and I realized that I wasnt going to give up and smart, business savvy, sexy, successful, talented, handsome brotha,over something like this, especially when its so hard to find a good man these days, I had to do alot of thinking a soul searching, the only thing that gave me strength was when I read a story about “Magic Johnson and his wife Cookie” it was about how the love that she had for him was real, so real that she decided to stay with him when he had announced to her that he had full blown aids, while she was pregnant with his child and after they had just gotten married, but through it all she loved him so much she decided to stay and I knew that if she could work through that then Im pretty damn sure she could have worked through it if he would have told her that he was “bisexual”. So reading about her gave me alot of strength, and her story taught me that love conquers all, and that sometimes there will be things you have to overlook in order to be happy with the one you love. And I realized that the only thing really bothering me was the fact that his personal business was all over the net,(which we are having removed very soon, yay!) but half the time I even forget about the Bisexuality cuz my man is very sexy and masculine, he doesnt act effeminate at all, he’s very confident in himself as a man and that’s sexy, he has so many good qualities about him, so I had to make a choice either I was going to throw away something that could be the greatest great and it only get better….

  3. oops I meant at the bottom, that either I was going to throw away something that could be the greatest lvoe in the world or I was going to leave it in the dumpster, I decided to keep it and so far it has been great and will only get better…..

  4. I just came out of a relationship with a bisexual man in his late thirties (I’m a woman in my early thirties). He was very honest about it and told me on our third date, giving me the opportunity to decide if I wanted to continue seeing him before things got intimate. I pondered the idea for about a week, then decided that he was a sweet and loyal enough person for me to give a chance to, so I went with the flow.
    The first couple of months were magical, pampering and showering me with attention. We got very close very quickly. Perhaps too quickly. He was introducing me to his friends, family and coworkers, and even discussing big plans like moving in together which was way too soon for me.
    Then I found out that he had never had a long term relationship before and this puzzled me. How could this gorgeous, kind & loving man still be single? I voiced my concerns, but he was always fairly hush hush about his past.
    Anyways, long story short, as soon as things started getting more intense with us, he started making selfish decisions and excluding me from plans. Eventually we just broke it off by the end of month 3. When I said that he wasn’t able to let relationships get past the honeymoon phase, he agreed and said maybe he wasn’t able to have one.
    I don’t want to blame his emotional immaturity on his bisexuality, but do you think that maybe his confusion and split sexuality could be playing a part in his inability to settle down?

  5. after eight years of very healthy releshonship with a heteresexual man  ,i fall in love and found the right person for my future , he is extremely kind attentive , very good in bed and he maneged to get my two children on his side  ….BUT HE IS BISEXUAL  ,although he deny it , you can tell by his extreme behavior as gay and viceversa. i am very worried if this is going to last or end drastically, he is so persuasive that i am afraid that he could put my children against me one day…….. what shall i do at this early stage ,    please help man

Share your thoughts | Get down with the funky brown ...