According to the flowchart below, I shouldn’t have children. I was knocked out of the running at multiple places — including, “Do you like people barging in on you when you’re having sex?” Who doesn’t ?!?! ;) It’s like that Orphan kitchen scene video, no? Almost getting caught = hot sex. Getting caught = lady boner killer. By the way, you all know what I’m talking about, right? You saw Orphan, didn’t you? If not, I highly recommend it. I don’t think it was supposed to be a comedy, but it was one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in years. Anyway. On to the topic of today’s post …
Funny Things People Say When I Tell Them: “I Don’t Want to Have Children.”
#1. “OF COURSE YOU DO!”
No, really. I don’t
#2. “WHY NOT?”
Quite frankly, the world might be a better place if we reversed the logic on this one. Instead of asking those who don’t want children why they don’t, ask people who want to bring kids into the world why they do. That stuff aside, it’s kind of condescending to ask anyone you don’t know very well WHY they’ve made the choices they have in life. Stranger #1: “I’m a doctor.” Stranger #2: “Oh, really? That’s odd. Why?” But, anyway, in case you were curious, I’ll tell you my answer (because I love Funky Brown Chick readers and we’re real cozy like that around here): I don’t want have to have children because I don’t want to. When I was a little girl and I thought everyone had to have kids, yes, I thought I’d be a mom. However, the moment I realized I didn’t have to, I excitedly thought, “Whew! Okay, then, I’m not going to.”
#3. “BUT YOU WOULD BE A GREAT MOM.”
Smartass response: I know, right? Because no one makes a better parent than someone who doesn’t want to be one. ;)
#4. “PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN ARE SELFISH.”
The decision to be childfree is not less (or more) selfish than the decision to sprout a resource-hogging crotchfruit …. or two, or eight. I wrote about this “people who don’t want kids are selfish” bullshit ages ago. See: Single Chicks vs. The Babymamas. And, if you’re up for reading more kidfree stuff, I also recommend Funky Brown Chick posts: Why I Chose to Be Childless and Happily Childfree By Choice. I also really really really love the site STFU Parents.
#5. “FINE. OKAY, SO, WHY DO YOU HATE CHILDREN?”
I guess, technically, I don’t hate children. My nephews are adorable and I love them. My friends’ kids are equally wonderful. They’re their kids. As in, not mine. I like it that way. Ooh, ooh, ooh … You know what else I like? Please don’t bring Tiny Todd to Manhattan cocktail lounges or late-night, R-Rated movies on weekends. I don’t booze up and grope my lovers on playground swing sets — well, at least not usually. ;) Kids should be able to play in kid spaces unencumbered by adult activities. Likewise, adults like adult spaces. Seems fair enough, yes?
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Image appears online at stfuparents.tumblr.com.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I get knocked out of the running even sooner than you, I think. I don’t even like kids. When I was in my early 20s it seemed like every stranger was trying to convince me that I didn’t know my own mind. I ended up making a list of the reasons for me not to have children, and I think I had 9 distinct reasons (some applicable to me having children, some to adoption, and some to both). I have yet to figure out why so many people approach you in that way–it’s not as if I walk up to strangers (or even people I know) and tell them not to have children: it would be rude!
Sometimes, though, when someone’s children are being annoying and out of control, I feel tempted to approach them and ask if they’ve considered the environmental consequences of unbridled population growth…
I almost tell someone everyday that they should not EVER have children. Have you ever been to Greenwich Connecticut or the Upper East/West sides lol, I almost want to make a T’shirt that says, U SHOULDN’T HAVE KIDS and hand it out to those busy moms that are too busy to care for the kids they managed to pop out.
I can now consider my life complete, and a success, since I have now seen, in print, the phrase “resource-hogging crotchfruit”.
Myself and Mrs. Doodlius have no children, and there will be no little Doodliuses (Doodlii?). We do not want any. This pains me once in a while, when I consider how many papooses are being popped out by people who religiously attend Sarah Palin rallies.
But what can I say, kids aren’t our bag. Unless we could actually *put kids in a bag* when they got out of hand. Then I could deal with them. I doubt society would approve.
I have two boys who I love more than anything. Yet, I feel like I’ve given up a part of me because I have them. I can understand why people don’t want kids. My kids have special needs, i.e. behavioral/neurological problems–if I knew back then what i know now, I probably would not have stopped the birth control and gone forward. Kids are a lot of work, a lot of responsibility and a lot of sacrifice. First, people annoy the hell out of you asking you if you want kids, then when you do, they ask you why you are not having any more. It’s no one’s business if you choose to breed or not. It is a personal choice that you make that works for your lifestyle.Not everyone has these perfect kids who are well-behaved in public and never give any problems at home. The stress and anxiety is a lot to bear, but it can suck the life out of you and if any mother is honest about it, they would say some of the same things.
I think the decision not to have children is in NO WAY selfish. Its not for everybody. I have a daughter and one on the way, but my husbo and I decided a long time ago that we DID want children.
What is NOT responsible is to have children and then neglect their needs to fufill your own. My husband and I dont go out often, dont drink gave up ‘recreational’ activities long ago.
There is a lot that gets pushed to the side. Fortunately for us the Grandparents take the kid every weekend and we still have plenty of time for each other.
Good for you Funky BC for making a RESPONSIBLE UNSELFISH decision!
I truly love this posting. I enjoy children very very much (maybe that’s why I have, at last count, 51 stepchildren), but am not selfish enough to bring more hungry mouths (resource-grabbing crotch fruit) into an already overpopulated world. I also believe that doing so engenders a certain responsibility to be around to take care of the kid until it is at least 30 years old and since I’m certain that I will not be around that much longer, it is easier and more responsible to produce none.
Besides, other people have already produced enough fatherless children who need my skills & services as substitute father figure.
Thank you very much for this tiny bit of sanity in a world that is genuinely insane.
Me thinks thou doth protest too much…. Do people really bother you that much about having kids? You seem to write about it an awful lot. No offense. I truly enjoy your blog. and of course it’s your blog to do as you please, but I’m just saying…:)
Alex – You would be surprised at how many complete strangers or acquaintances feel it is their right to approach women and suggest that they have children! There are also large numbers of women who are nagged by family members although fortunately I’m not one of them.
The fact is that a woman’s reproductive choices are still considered to be a matter of public interest by many. In my opinion it is clearly a question of sexism. When men are pressured about having children, it tends to be by relatives rather than strangers. It also covers the whole range of reproduction, not only the child-free decision.
I have heard from women who have been pregnant that it feels as if your body doesn’t belong to you, as people will come up to you and stick their hands on your stomach without asking permission and offer all sorts of unsolicited advice concerning food intake (it’s also happened that women have been refused food by restaurant staff on the basis of current or not-so-current research concerning food pregnant women should eat…not advised, refused).
Then there’s the question of terminating a pregnancy…there’s no doubt that in many countries this is an issue of public debate!
If you have a child, you can look forward to people telling you that you’re a bad mother if you return to work, and that you’re brainwashed if you don’t. (If you’re a man and you stay home with the children, you’ll probably hear something about that too.)
If Twanna protests a lot, it’s for a reason–women are still experiencing a lot of social pressure about their reproductive choices. As a child-free woman I can assure you that many people seem to think it is a compliment to say: “But you’re so intelligent–you should have children so there will be more smart children!” It’s right up there with: “But you’d be such a good mother!”
I want to have children or a child…eventually but if that doesn’t happen, I won’t feel any lesser for it.
I don’t know. I was one of the weird chicks, never planned their wedding and never thought about when they wanted to have kids.
I’m fine with folks who want to think about those things incessantly (as long as they don’t ask me question after question) and I’m fine with the women who don’t want to take any part in that aspect of life. To each is own. :)
selfish?!
That’s silly.
I can honestly say that me having kids was the right thing to do, because it actually forced me to grow up into a better person for their sakes. But to point to someone who is childfree and say they are being selfish is only a backhanded way of them being pissed that you can’t comiserate in their trials of …
1. finding adequate childcare
2. cursing every retailer that specifically targets kids. So you are compelled to spend $100 on crap that they will tire of 2 weeks later.
3. Watching those days when you could fuck in your living space anywhere and whenever you pleased….goes right out the window.
4. The magic moment when you have the sex talk and realize your kid looks just like the kid on the afterschool special on unplanned teenage pregnancy.
5. Kiss that sporty two seat coupe you were planning on buying goodbye….hellllooooo family truckster
6. No matter what anybody says….the sex is never the same after childbirth
7. Stepping on a nice sharp pointy toy at 2am on your way to the bathroom is all the rage!!
8. Being forced to listen to your parents laugh at you and recount stories of how much of a pain in the ass you were growing up….The revenge comeback is ” nursing home shopping”
9. You just get tired of your kids hogging the playstation…..
and lastly
10. As a father, you know, at some point your kid will punch you in the balls. Everyone will laugh and take videos for youtube….=(
i get the side eye of pity whenever i’m asked if/when i will have kids.and YES, this subject comes up more often than you think. i’ve known since my early 20s (now i’m over 40) that i don’t really enjoy the company of children. and for the record, i have a 4 year old nephew that i adore but i’m happy to hand him back to his parents at the end of the day.
I love kids. I have four great kids whom I adore. These are my blessings but others have their own. It certainly does not add anything to my joy for other people to have children, especially if it will make them miserable. Indeed, I can’t shake the thought that anyone who would try to force parenthood on the unwilling must be unhappy with their own experience as a parent. It sounds like revenge or jealousy.
Never you mind them. Just…
Be you and be happy,
Carl Peter
That stuff aside, it’s kind of condescending to ask anyone you don’t know very well WHY they’ve made the choices they have in life.
Heh, yeah right! I think in that same category are the random (always men in my experience) people who tell/command you to “smile!” or ask, “Why you frownin’?” just because I’m not walking around with a grin on my face like an airhead. I think the next time someone feels so bold as to say that to me I’ll say the only time I smile is when I’m feeling violent then ask if they still want me to smile because now I really AM in the mood to. :)
Quite frankly, the world might be a better place if we reversed the logic on this one. Instead of asking those who don’t want children why they don’t, ask people who want to bring kids into the world why they do.
Amen! That’s all I can really say to that. Sums it up.
Sometimes I think I want to have children but I feel that it would be for the wrong reasons, mainly because I think I’d have beautiful and intelligent children but those aren’t valid reasons for reproduction IMO.
dkzone: 7. Stepping on a nice sharp pointy toy at 2am on your way to the bathroom is all the rage!!
Okay, that I can identify with even though I’m not a parent. I did have a dog and some of his toys weren’t sharp and pointy so much as round and smaller than my foot. So quite a few experiences of stepping on his toys and falling over.
“resource-hogging crotchfruit” – classic
Loved this post. People with kids and those that want them look at those of us who are unsure or don’t want kids like we’re circus freaks. And I so don’t get the selfish thing. Wouldn’t it be more selfish to have a child anyway and potentially mistreat/neglect them?
Oh, you know this issue is close to my heart…and my uterus.
I think the next time someone says “No kids? But why not?” I’m going to look them dead in the eye, screw up my face, burst into hysterical tears and sob “I CAN’T! I CAN’T Oh, GOD! I have MANPARTS on the inside! I CAN’T HAVE BABIES! I’m so effing worthless!”
then hurl myself to the ground and twitch violently in fits until they walk away.
WHY anyone thinks it’s okay to ask ANYONE why they aren’t having kids is beyond me. I dig kids (the littler ones, anyway, before all the talking back), but my hubby and I just can’t hack it. We know this about ourselves. Too much sacrifice, too much responsibility. We’d rather babysit for other peoples kids then return them at the end of the day. Maybe when we’re older and more settled we’ll foster, or something. I don’t know.
All I know is that I’m really, really really really REALLY sick of being asked.
“resource hogging crotchfruit” is a complete gem! i should pay you royalties b/c i will be wearing out that phrase. i am always happy to read a post that supports the ladies that choose not to have kids. as with many posters, i’m irritated by people asking me when i’m going to have children; i’m equally pissed when i get to work extra for ladies who are on bedrest, maternity leave, or needing time off during the day to pump.
my all-time fave “single lady vs. breeder” moment came when a colleague announced that she was late for an AM mtg b/c she was “trying to make a baby.” WTF?!? why is it ok for marrieds to be late b/c they were having sex? i’m sure the reaction would have been very different if i had strolled in 15 mins tardy and said, “sorry to be late. i was making my O face this morning!”
yep, not making any babies and not at all sad about it!
i’m equally pissed when i get to work extra for ladies who are on bedrest, maternity leave, or needing time off during the day to pump.
Okay, I am all about being childfree and not wanting people to feel guilty because they aren’t parents but this statement just sounds like a patriarchal, “women should stay at home and out of the workplace” sort of mentality. So, should these be fired or laid off because they’re having complications with their pregnancy or can’t jump from the delivery room back to the desk within a few hours or because they don’t want milk leaking out from their nipples? Seriously? Statements like that are what gives fuel to the, “childless people are selfish” attitude.
@aspasia…i appreciate your perspective. i want my baby-making lady friends to have the opportunity to deliver and raise healthy children. however, and this may just be a feature of my work place (which is a hospital, curiously), the single ladies carry a disproportionate amount of the weight for “women-related” absences. i’m not sure why this might be. maybe the adminstration thinks that i’m “paying my dues” for future mama issues?
I’m glad you expanded on that Lucy and hopefully in the future you’ll include that condition when making those statements because otherwise you come off as a selfish asshole. :) Glad to know that you aren’t though!
If your employer is only making single women “take up the slack” then I’d say that’s a problem of sexism, not pregnancy and parenthood.
Aspasia -
I’m another one who gets irked by maternity and paternity leave. It’s not that I don’t think that people ought to get time off their jobs, but that I strongly feel that having children does not entitle you to special treatment. I would much rather see the whole system of parental leave replaced with a sabbatical system, with every working person allowed a certain amount of sabbatical in her or his working life (say 2 years). (I haven’t worked out the details of this thought, but I imagine employers would pay into a common fund and people would receive a set stipend, and retire 2 years later.) What I like about this system is that it puts caring for elderly parents, volunteering for a charity, and other worthwhile activities on the same footing as childbirth, eliminating the special treatment for an activity which is (in my eyes) completely a matter of personal choice and therefore no more deserving of special treatment than my personal choices.
Interestingly enough, this sort of a scheme could actually benefit most women. To begin with, in most countries, maternity leave is longer than paternity leave. Companies worry that a new female employee may go on maternity leave shortly after she starts working. Thus being a female within a certain age range (which seems to be increasing due to fertility treatment) has a signaling effect to potential employers. I would not be at all surprised to learn that people consider this during hiring decisions, even if they don’t do it blatantly.
Women who choose to have children would also benefit from the system. Human capital literature shows that there is a scarring effect from periods of unemployment (see Mincer & Ofek, 1982, Interrupted Work Careers: Depreciation and Restoration of Human Capital. The Journal of Human Resources). If person A works for 10 years without leave, and person B works for 5 years, goes on leave for 2, and then works for another 5 years, they have both worked for 10 years. Yet person A will have a higher salary, all other things being equal. Person B will start again not at the same level s/he left off, but at a slightly lower level (presumably to compensate for knowledge obsolescence). As person B regains skills, salary increases sharply for a period, but then resumes a normal slope below the level of person A. There isn’t an economic reason for this, and it is presumed to relate to signaling.
It is possible that if it were normal for everyone to take some time off from work mid-career–as opposed to just women having children–there would be fewer negative perceptions about taking time off work.
The increased flexibility would probably benefit most of us personally as well.
I tried posting a response earlier and it was eaten by the internet aether, so I’ll try again.
What I like about this system is that it puts caring for elderly parents, volunteering for a charity, and other worthwhile activities on the same footing as childbirth,
Volunteering for a charity does not require two years off work nor is it on the same footing as childbirth. Not even close…unless you are the founder, creator and director of said charity which would fall apart without your constant input and oversight. I volunteer in a political grassroots organization (and charity since we have the official tax status) that, in my city, consists of between five to seven active members. I serve as secretary. Yet, I don’t need to take time off of work or school to volunteer.
Caring for elderly parents? Yes, if they actually need the care. Elderly =/= helpless. If there is a sick parent, yes they do need the care. However: 1) A sick parent can be younger than the official age for the “elderly” (usually 65); 2) Taking time off work to care for an elderly or sick parent can, will and IS considered to be a personal choice and one treated with as much derision as the choice to have a child. In my personal experience.
I took seven years off of work AND school (and since you like figures so much can you tell us how many times longer that is than the average maternity leave?) to care for a sick parent. While the reaction was positive for the most part from people who value this duty (and those would be, overall, the same people who don’t see a problem with maternity leave), I received plenty of negative reaction, from my brother no less (yes, my mother’s only son just as I am her only daughter) who told me to “stop fucking around and get a REAL job” because, well, being a caregiver doesn’t pay much (like most female-dominated jobs) and I was having financial problems. Oh yes, he feels the same way that you do, irked by maternity leave because of all the extra work he has to do. My taking this time off school to act as a filial daughter is, guess what, a personal choice. Guess I deserve that scorn, eh? I mean, I could’ve just let a stranger hired by the state come in and play that same role so I wouldn’t irk other people with my family values (real ones, not fakey GOP “family values”).
It is possible that if it were normal for everyone to take some time off from work mid-career–as opposed to just women having children–there would be fewer negative perceptions about taking time off work.
The increased flexibility would probably benefit most of us personally as well.
Exactly where do you think this normalizing will begin if it’s not respected concerning parenthood first? And which is it that really irks you more, since here you only mention women taking time off to have children? (You mentioned not like paternity leave also but was that just thrown in for equality’s sake?) Whether it is “just” having children or “just” caring for sick parents, it all starts with an equal respect for the human element in a workplace who have NAMES and LIVES outside of work and aren’t just dollar signs and input hours moved around on accounting tables. Not recognizing people as people is why there are negative perceptions about taking time off work when LIFE happens. We’re all just supposed to be worker bees who hibernate and do nothing when we’re not at work and there are plenty of people who don’t think workers should have any time off work. At all. For anything and you damn well better die at your desk.
Aspasia,
I am not sure why you feel that my suggestion to offer everyone the opportunity to take time off for personal reasons (thus hopefully making it the norm and less subject to negative economic consequences) as opposed to just a subset of reasons would be detrimental. I agree that the human element in the workplace needs to be respected, but I want to see all people given flexibility, not only those who choose to reproduce. I offered some reasons people might want to take time off: caring for a relative, or spending a year or two abroad volunteering for a charity. Naturally these reasons won’t be relevant or appeal to everyone, but I expect that the vast majority of people have things they want to do which they currently cannot because of the way work is organized.
I don’t think that I expressed any scorn for people who take time off for any of these things, I only stated that I do not like maternity and paternity leave (I live in a country where there is paternity leave, so I did not just tack it on). The reason that I do not like maternity and paternity leave is that it defines one personal choice–namely having a child–as more valuable than other personal choices. Yet, quite aside from the concept that society ought not to value one person’s choices over another person’s, there are economic benefits for the state in enabling other choices. Your experience of caring for a parent is one such example. These are two good reasons why the government should enable leave-taking for a variety of reasons rather than just childbirth.
The current system places those of us who choose not to have children in conflict with those who do have children (often because the childfree, like lucy, are called upon to do extra work, or because we do not see why our dreams are less important). This is why I do not support paternal leave as ‘a good start’ towards recognizing that all individuals have personal desires–paternal leave does not treat all workers equally, and I strongly believe that progress must stem from a basis of equality. We can continue to look at individual issues, such as maternity, paternity, caregiving, etc, and decide what, if any, benefits should be given to people who engage in these activities (which we have seen leads to resentment, inequality, and scorn), or we can simply state that it is absolutely none of the government or employer’s business what our personal desires are, but that everyone is entitled to the same amount of support in reaching them.
A-
This is going to be short because I’m honestly tired of explaining this to you.
I offered some reasons people might want to take time off: caring for a relative, or spending a year or two abroad volunteering for a charity.
Which I addressed and you choose to ignore here so you can put on your, “but..but…I’m not trying to offend!” armor of defense. I also notice that all of a sudden you add the “year or two abroad volunteering for charity” when before you didn’t include the abroad part. Granted, that doesn’t really matter because everyone I know who is involved with the type of charities that can take them abroad chose to leave their other job to work for said charity full time because that is how deep their commitment ran. But they had to take a pay cut and most people aren’t that dedicated to a charity.
I am not sure why you feel that my suggestion to offer everyone the opportunity to take time off for personal reasons (thus hopefully making it the norm and less subject to negative economic consequences) as opposed to just a subset of reasons would be detrimental.
Where did I say that? Point it out and back up your claim. I will say that I think it is hilarious that you believe somehow that employers will consider it an economic benefit that their entire work force could have your suggested one or two years off, instead of a small subset. Also, I’m curious, exactly where do you work that women on maternity leave take THAT much time off? I have never heard of that before and the longest I ever heard of is six months due to this woman having a very delicate pregnancy needing bedrest after she almost had a miscarriage at work; I’m sure that would just make some people roll their eyes and scoff that it’s not their problem that she’s pregnant. Wow. The humanity.
I don’t think that I expressed any scorn for people who take time off for any of these things, I only stated that I do not like maternity and paternity leave (I live in a country where there is paternity leave, so I did not just tack it on).
You need to read a dictionary then:
You: I’m another one who gets irked by maternity and paternity leave.
irk
–verb (used with object)
to irritate, annoy, or exasperate: It irked him to wait in line.
Simply disliking something is a long ways away from feeling “irked” by its very existence.
You: eliminating the special treatment for an activity which is (in my eyes) completely a matter of personal choice and therefore no more deserving of special treatment than my personal choices.
scorn
4.to treat or regard with contempt or disdain: They scorned the old beggar.
5.to reject, refuse, or ignore with contempt or disdain: She scorned my help.
You definitely regard maternity leave (oh, right and paternity leave) with disdain.
I know my response to you will be useless because you are purposely ignoring everything I said which refutes your very shaky claims. Furthermore, I’m done with this argument.
Aspasia – We finally found something to agree upon: there’s no point in us continuing attempting to have a discussion.
Love this post! I couldn’t agree more!
Miss T,
Love to hear about other women who do not want kids. I knew at 16 that I would not be part of the Mother club. Just never wanted to take a chance at being a “single” mother…. So at 24 I had my tubes tied (my mother never knew and would hint about my having at least one child one day) best thing I ever did. Then at 33 I have a partial hysterectomy (had disastrous periods that I couldn’t take anymore) and I have never regretted it. As a matter of fact, I thank my lucky stars everyday that I never have to worry about having a child.
I am also so grateful that most of my close friends are childless. We love our freedom and don’t miss the drama of kids. It is irritating to me that so many people think of having a child as an automatic. And I am sooo over the “I am a single Mom” club and it’s so hard for me. Yikes!!
I think there should be more childless people speaking out so that young people can see that there is an alternative way to live… plus I am all for a little population control :-)
Loving every childless moment…
Cheers
I HATE them!!!!!
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