Oct 292010
 

I hope I don’t oversleep. I’m supposed to wake at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow to roll out of Manhattan on The Huffington Post‘s pre-dawn party bus to DC. I’m going to the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or March to Keep Fear Alive. Yay Stephen Colbert! (Watch him tell congress he doesn’t want his fruits and veggies picked by Mexicans, or buy his book I Am America (And So Can You!).) Yay Jon Stewart! (View his Obama interview; buy his book Earth: A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race). For those of you not going to DC, I’ll take pictures, videos and post tweets of the rally to take you along. Good times to be shared by all! By the way, if any of you know of other not-be-be missed events, exhibitions or other shindigs in town during this weekend, let me know. I’ve heard about a couple Halloween costume parties, and I might attend. A friend of a guy friend is throwing a yacht party, and I’ve stopped just short of threatening him with physical harm if he doesn’t take me along ;) I’ve never been on a yacht. I’ll let you what, if anything, happens with that invite. In the meantime, since we’re talking about political stuff, here are a few reader favorites from the news & politics section of FUNKY BROWN CHICK® over the years:

  • Divorce & the Nip Tucked Kidney. Samirah said one of her coworkers gave her sickly husband a kidney, but then the dude left her. I joked: “In the divorce settlement, I would have asked for my kidney back.” I figured I’d never actually be in that hypothetical situation. No one would. Well …
  • Do I Sound Black? A fellow black woman in media casually told me black people don’t have sex.
Oct 252010
 

This summer, I read at MEDIA SEX NIGHT at In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series. Victoria from EdenFantasys recently tagged me in this picture:

In The Flesh: MEDIA SEX NIGHT

From left to right: Jo Weldon (Striptease for Burlesque, Exotic Dance & Real Life), Rachel Shukert (Everything Is Going to Be Great: An Underfunded and Overexposed European Grand Tour), Kevin Allison (The State: The Complete Series), Jillian Lauren (Some Girls: My Life in a Harem), Rachel Kramer Bussel (too many to list), Twanna A. Hines (forthcoming memoir) and Jerry Portwood (editor, New York Press).

I saw this picture because Victoria originally posted it on Facebook. If you and I aren’t already, we should be friends on Facebook. Also, if you live in New York, be sure to catch Rachel’s next In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series: COMEDY SEX NIGHT. November 18, 2010, 8:00 pm – 10 pm, Happy Ending Lounge (302 Broome Street, NYC, 212-334-9676). To get there, take either: B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue. It’s between Forsyth & Eldridge under the hot pink awning marked “XIE HE Health Club.” Admission: Free.

Oct 222010
 

Direct Video Link:

To adjust video player size, click bottom right corner of the video screen. Additionally, here’s the direct link: http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-go-on-a-date-to-the-movies

Transcript:

Step 1: That film you want to see

It’s important to go to the flicks with your new partner early on, so you can be sure they are able to stop talking when required. If they can’t keep quiet, it’s important to find out now. If you’re still trying to impress, then you may pretend to want to see certain films to make yourself seem sophisticated and intellectual. Out of politeness, your new partner might agree. The result is you both sit through some arthouse nonsense full of subtexts and juxtapositions. Forget that! Be honest, then you could see Stallone in Rock Hard 4, or Clooney in that new comedy Touch My Tookas.

Step 2: How to decide

But if you have got to that stage in your relationship where you can both be brutally honest, then beware. If she loves action thrillers, and he’s a sucker for fantasy adventures, then devise a method of choosing what you see. Either take it in turns, or play scissors paper stone, or just be gentlemanly about it. If you are often at loggerheads about what to see then decide before you get there. Otherwise you might row, or be tempted to go to separate movies. This would clearly be the worst date ever, and would probably mark the end of your relationship.

Step 3: Snacks

Sometime, somewhere a movie mogul decided that popcorn should be the movie snack of choice. He was an idiot, because it is the loudest food in the world, rendering whole lines of dialogue inaudible for you- and your date. If you must have it, try and shovel it all in before the main feature starts. Or your date will hate you. The other paradox about popcorn is that it can only be eaten attractively in single pieces, but is only tasty in mouthfuls. So to appreciate it you are going to look disgusting. All in all, ice cream is a far better bet for a date.

Step 4: Bigness

Get rid of that big hat, or big hair. Few things are more annoying than an obscured movie screen. If your date suffers from this, then offer to switch seats; or even have a gentle word with the offender. Also, keep big laughs to a minimum- particularly if you have a strange one. You don’t want to be set upon by the rest of the audience, your date may decide she’s with them.

Step 5: Reliving the movie

After the curtains close, you can judge how well the date has gone, by which scenes of the movie you end up re-enacting.

Oct 212010
 

Before I trash anyone’s dating book or other creative project, I think: Remember Aimee Mann. If you missed last spring’s pop culture rumblings, she Tweeted, “Christ, there is no reason in the world anyone should ever have cast Ice T in a television show.” Ice T got wind of her comments, and responded, “Hey [Aimee], stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time.. Eat a hot bowl of Dicks!”

Although I never found a recipe for said Hot Bowl of Dicks, the Mann – T smackdown taught me a lesson: Don’t talk shit about other people’s creative careers. You never know who’s listening. Not to mention, after all, your comments’ target is simply an artist trying to make a living doing something that interests them. There are certainly worse things someone could do with their time. Aimee Mann agreed. “I do not like to hurt people’s feelings,” she Tweeted. “I forget that twitter is not just me and four other dorky friends, ragging on TV stars. He’s out there doing his job. He doesn’t need any heckling from the peanut gallery. So, I am sorry, Mr. T! You get out there and DO IT!” Cease fire declared. “Once again there’s peace in Twitterland.”

Why am I telling you this story? Yesterday, Samhita gave me a heads up about a Katherine Chloe Cahoon’s video Why Single Girls Want to Meet European Men. My immediate reaction was, “Is this chick fucking serious?!?!”

I was going to rail against her “fetish” for European dudes and — as someone who lived in the UK and Europe for many years — explain that there are just as many jerks in Europe as there are in the US. No one country, continent or group of men (or women) has exclusive rights to being hot, sexy, rude, kind or anything else. Instead, I bit my lip and googled Katherine Chloe Cahoon. I sought to find out, Who is this woman and what’s her story? Over at The Gloss, Jennifer Wright wrote:

I’ve watched this video three times to try to figure out if recent Vanderbilt cheerleader/graduate Katherine Chloe Cahoon is serious, and I still can’t tell. Well, I watched it once while laughing so hard that vodka came out my nose, and then I watched it twice more, so I’m not sure the first viewing really counts. But, oh, God, “he’s like Albert Einstein in a Lance Armstrong’s body!” And then she wears a dress [that looks] as though she’s about to tear out Alexis Carrington’s hair in the grand foyer. So, basically, this is the best dating video in the history of the world.”

Jennifer’s right. This video is great and, by the way, Katherine Chloe Cahoon is one smart cookie. In her Are My Videos For Real or Parodies blog post, she writes:

Come on, friends, do you really think I am being serious?! Of course they are parodies! No, I do not expect a girl will try to flirt with European men as six bulls are bearing down on her at The Running of the Bulls. It’s a joke. No, I don’t wear a dress when I bike…much less one matching a basket of flowers on the handlebars. I don’t even own a bike. And no, I do not go around constantly posing. I believe that if others are going to participate in my parody, it’s only fair that I join in.

Brilliant. Katherine talks about her video and the positive reviews the book itself received. She even mentions the title of her book. Oh, and did I mention she’s selling a book? ;) The Single Girl’s Guide to Meeting European Men. [Sidenote: Modern day Europe is much browner than her cover image.] I haven’t read the book. Having already “been there done that (and moved on to the next continent)” I probably won’t. Quality/content aside, generally speaking, over at the past few months I’ve been following publishing trends closely as I edit my manuscript and start the pitching process. I’m listening, learning, researching and watching what others are doing to sell their books. When I last checked, Katherine was #3 on Amazon’s list of top-selling list about solo travel. Interesting marketing ploy for a book about dating dudes from Europe, huh?

While we’re on the topic of dating, heads up … I’m going to be a guest on Alan Roger Currie’s radio show tonight. He’s the author of Mode One: Let The Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking, and he asked me to come on the show to discuss something like, shedding prudish ways and becoming more of a freak in the bedroom ;) Shoshi will be there, too. We’ll tell you about the nuances of women’s feelings about sex, seduction, erotica and intimacy. Tune in tonight at 10:00 p.m. ET.

Oct 202010
 

Photo Shoot With Bill Wadman

If a blog is a website with regular commentary or graphics maintained by an individual or group of individuals, a sex blog focuses on sex. Pleasure. Arousal. Sexual activity. Sex commentary. Last night, sipping coffee with a brunette friend with long wavy hair and cool glasses, she told me she found it difficult to explain FUNKY BROWN CHICK® to others.

HER: I was with a group of people before I met up with you, and I was trying to explain your site. They don’t read blogs, so they totally didn’t get it.
ME: What do you mean?
HER: I said, She writes about sex. They were like, Oh, so it’s porn? I told them, no, it’s stories. Then, they were really confused.

I’m online. A lot. I’ve got “my Facebook all up in my thing’s Twitter” so much, that I often forget to cover the basics for those who’ve only discovered my site recently and may not know much about sex blogs. (By the way, shout out to Audacia! Village Voice just named her Best Sex Blogger 2010.) If this is your first time getting down with the funky brown, here’s the backstory. “Sex Blogs Explained” if you will. For those who’ve been here countless times, cover your ears and come back tomorrow :)

WHAT IS FUNKY BROWN CHICK?

I write articles for websites, newspapers and magazines. See writing samples and bio for more information. In addition to freelance writing, I have a personal blog. That’s what you’re reading now. FUNKY BROWN CHICK®. Featured in the New York City Sex Blogger calendar because my genre is sex / relationships; technically, my site is considered a sex blog. The term sex blog is broad, encompassing everyone and everything — feminist writers, BDSM sites, bloggers, food porn photoblogs, fetish sites, etc. So, what’s MY site? It’s basically the behind-the-scenes view of a sex / relationships writer’s life in Manhattan. Photos, videos, stories. You name it. On my about me page, I explain: My name is Twanna; I’m a sex, dating and relationships writer in New York, and FUNKY BROWN CHICK® chronicles my life. That doesn’t mean you’ll get every in and out (pun intended) of my sex life. Just like, for example, people with mom blogs aren’t obligated to tell anyone how they conceived nor is every food blogger required to disclose what they eat for dinner each night. I still guard my partners’ privacy — and mine — to some degree.

WHY DO PEOPLE READ BLOGS?

Great question. Actually, I’d widen that to: “What’s the value of storytelling? Why do people read?” As print magazines shrink or evaporate entirely, the publishing industry struggles to answer that question. This New York Times piece takes a stab at explaining the written word’s lure. This video does an even better job. (Watch the whole thing to get the effect.)

People who read my site do so because: (a) they’re city-dwelling, brown-skinned women who can relate or (b) they’re nothing like me at all [male? white? non-NYC?] and they like the voyeuristic perspective on particular topics or (c) something else entirely. I asked my readers why they get down with the funky brown; read what they told me.

If you have any specific questions about sex blogs, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Oct 192010
 

Mailbox

Netflix. Ford Motor Company. PR Newswire. GQ. Several companies offer to partner or share info with me so I’ll write about their products on FUNKY BROWN CHICK®. Usually, I say no.When I say yes — as is the case with the companies I just listed — my guiding principles are:

  1. Full Disclosure. I’ll explicitly say something like ‘I was asked to write about this’ so you’ll know it wasn’t my brainchild; someone else pitched me the idea.
  2. Integrity. I only write about stuff that, had I known about it without being pitched, I would’ve already written about it anyway.

Remember Netflix Greatest Kiss Challenge? I ADORE movies — especially romantic comedies. So, when they told me about a contest that would let you guys “recreate” your favorite film kiss, upload it to Netflix’s YouTube channel and win a trip, OF COURSE I wrote about it. Having recently cleared my inbox and screened a bunch of pitches, here are few things that might be interest you. (No, I am not being paid to promote this stuff.)

  • CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? lets you share “hilarious, embarrassing or downright shameful dating stories.” I write about my personal life online because it’s cathartic to confess stories to others who can relate. If you have a dating story to get off your chest, submit it to their site. “EVERY chick (brown or otherwise) has a story to tell,” they told me. “You can dish tales of revenge, wild hookups and dating disasters or read stories from other women who share your relationship woes.”
  • Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk looks like an interesting book. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ll let you know if I do.
  • The Greene Space at WNYC brings you “The Sound of Young America” hosted by Jesse Thorn, features Amy Sedaris, John Hodgman, Judah Friedlander, Baratunde Thurston, and Les Savy Fav. Watch live video if you can’t make the show.
  • Men’s Health says 24% of Facebook-flirters use the social network to flirt with someone other than their current partner. Read the full survey.
  • winkVID. I knew nothing about this site other than what appears online: “Meet singles via live-video speed-dating events.” Sounds like Chat Roulette meets Match.com. Because they’re based in my native Illinois, I hope their business does well. I checked in with one of their cofounders, Jake, and asked why anyone should use their site. “If you’re tired of the bs of typical profile-based dating sites,” he assured me, “WinkVid is a fresh alternative you’ll love.” If any of you guys try winkVID, tell me what you think.
Oct 182010
 

I haven’t seen Andrea since she returned from vacation. How was Columbia? I excitedly text her, accidentally misspelling the country as if she had sunbathed uptown on an Ivy league campus instead of South America. We should catch up over coffee, I suggest.

Armed with caffeine and strawberry and chocolate scones two hours later, we meet at Central Park. Passing couples peacefully rowing boats on the lake, it’s easy to forget 8,000,000 people surround this oasis. I snap a picture. “The park is so beautiful this time of year.”

Central Park

Strolling, Andrea and I catch up about her travels, each of our love lives, family and other stuff. I tell her I’m grateful for the little things. Sunshine-filled days. Auburn, golden and rust-colored leaves. Fresh air. Living in close proximity to Central Park. Catching up with her, my friend. I also fill her in about a bunch of personal stuff and current challenges. Suffice it to say, life warms my heart as often as it breaks it.

Oct 152010
 

Direct Video Link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TMTrpugT0E
fckh8.com

Credit Paid:

Thank you, Heidi, for letting me know about the video. Shout out to Queerty for the transcript.

Love Letter To Each of You:

By the way, apologies for the slow-posting week. A bit of private, personal stuff going on plus I’m working on book stuff. Back to the regular Monday – Friday posting schedule next week! In the meantime, heads up: you can subscribe to my site via EMAIL or RSS to be automatically updated when I post.

Transcript:

Hi. Are you one of those fuckwads that has a fucking problem with my gay son getting married?

And my two moms. You fucking wanna stop them from getting married?

Then listen up haters, for some fuckin’ straight talk on gay marriage.

Number 1

If you don’t want gay marriage, then don’t marry someone with the same fucking junk in their undies. Pretty fuckin’ simple.

Number 2

So if you were really all about “protecting marriage”, you’d be fucking making divorce illegal for straight people, not cockblocking Adam and Steve from getting a fucking bridal registry.

Don’t fuck with my two gay dads.

Number 3

The Christian fucking Right? You’ve got it all fuckin’ wrong. Don’t fucking talk to me about “family values” when you want to fuck gays and their kids out of emergency hospital visitation, custody of their children and health insurance benefits.

Number 4

Fuckin’ hypocritical Republicans. So, it’s cool for Rush Limbaugh to be on his fourth fuckin’ wife, but if Cathy wants to marry Karen, then that’s an “attack” on the institution? …HELLO?

How the fuck does ripping up state constitutions and the rights they protect make this the “Land of the Free”?

So…if you hate gay marriage, it’s really because you hate gay love.

Then, you’re gonna fuckin’ hate this. [Two gay couples kissing.]

GET THE FUCK OVER IT! Some dude’s marry dudes. Some chicks marry chicks. GET. THE FUCK. OVER IT.

I’m gay.
I’m straight [laughing]…well, not really.
I’m straight.

And we’re standing together to FUCK HATE.

Across the country, in the courtroom and at the ballot box, the right to marry who you love is under attack.

We’re fundraising for that fight. Marry this shirt! Do good, and look good doin’ it. Proceeds from each shirt goes directly to fund the fight for equal marriage rights. Tell people what you think, take a stand in pink. Share this video with five friends.

I’m getting my Facebook all up in this thing’s Twitter! Spread this shit! Totally!

Don’t fuck with my gay friends. Don’t fuck with my husband. Don’t fuck with my wife. Don’t fuck with my queer daddies. Don’t fuck with our families. FUCK HATE. [whistles] FCKH8.COM!

(And, scene.)