I’m back in New York after a weekend in DC. I have a post brewing called “I Can’t Date A Man Unless He Knows How to Fight.” I’ll publish it sometime later this week, and I’ll also upload my Rally to Restore Sanity videos & photos. In the meantime, you can find top rally sign photos online here. Now, on to today’s post …
As some of you may know, I’m originally from a small town in the cornfields. It’s the kind of place where trips to the local Wal-Mart were like high school reunions, and underage drinkers got their names printed in the local newspaper. Small Town USA. My business was your business and vice versa. I loved several things about the place (low cost of living, friendly people, a sense of community, etc.), but one of the many reasons why I left is this: I was dying there. Not literally, but my soul was suffocating and I needed space. Privacy. The ability to walk down a street and see no one who knew me.
Having jumped out of the fishbowl, I found myself in graduate school many years later. Florida. I was chair of the BGSA’s social committee. Shocker, right? Me? Social? Anyway. BGSA = Black Graduate Student Association. Within the university population, a relatively small number of students are MA, MBA and PhD candidates. Among that small group, a smaller number are black / African American. Inside that little circle, there are waaaay more women than men. I didn’t pursue an economics degree, but I understand sexual laws of supply and demand. If you were a Black man pursuing an MBA, your ass was hot property among BGSA women. Given the size of the group, it didn’t take long before everyone was boinking everyone else. Man A was sleeping with Woman B and Woman C at the same time even though he was in a so-called “monogamous” relationship with Woman D. Hell, I took part, too. And, you know what, I grew really sick of that crap. I’m all for sleeping around. Sex is good. Here’s the part that bothered me … When it comes to my sex life, I don’t like my business in everyone else’s faces.
Yes, I write about about my sex & dating life online, but there’s a difference between CHOOSING what I share and physically throwing my shit up in the crowd. I can’t count the number of men I’ve kissed, sucked, blown or fucked then written about them on my site. But, I can tell you exactly how many I’ve identified by name: 0. In recent weeks, there’s been a guy I’ve wanted to screw soooooooo badly I could almost taste his semen in my mouth. Making out with him the other night, I wanted to scream: “Just fuck me already! Screw all this other shit, let me drag you back to my place so we can fuck each other’s brains out for a couple hours until we both collapse … and, your ass BETTER take care of me again in the morning.” But, I didn’t. Why not? Honestly, it’s because he works in media / publishing. If I want to fuck a man real good and hard, that’s my business. I don’t want to walk into a party three weeks later (with the next man I’m screwing, mind you) and see the other guy with another girl he’s screwing — who I may or may not know from one of my previous threesomes. I’m much more discreet than that. Seriously, I don’t like the circle fuck.
ME: [removes dick from mouth] Wouldn’t it bother you?
HIM: What?
ME: If we’re in a party here next week and I’m with another guy who works with you?
HIM: I wouldn’t mind. I’d think: Good for him. I hit that, and now it’s his turn.
It’s called polyamory. Personally, I prefer monogamy but I fervently believe everyone should mutually consent to whatever type of relationships they wish. You can take the girl out of the Midwest … ah, you know the rest of the saying. Or, maybe it’s the other way around: What the hell is the point of leaving the Midwest to partake in a small Manhattan / Brooklyn-based community where everyone’s all up in each other’s business? Who knows? Life’s experiences thus far have taught me that relationships can be messy, confusing, exhilarating, beautiful, terrifying, comforting and wonderful. Not everything fits neatly inside one box. What I want today may not be what I want 5 or 10 years from today. And, I’m okay with that.
How about you? Have you ever found yourself in a circle of friends and/or industry (um, like, I don’t know, media / publishing) where everyone’s sleeping with each other? Are you in a polyamorous relationship? What’s your story?
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Photo credit: Paul Gallo
I have been called “male slut” more times than I care to count. Probably because i have dabbled a few flowers….in the same garden. On several occasions. The thing about it for me has always been that everyone is cool, because I always make sure the relationships are defined….and there are no hard feelings.
I’ve even had two former flames end up being roomates……LOL.
You’ve dated people THEN lived with them in totally platonic contexts? That must’ve been an interesting house because you would meet their new partners/lovers or introduce them to yours, no? Not sure I could do it! :)
oh…no no no….
I would date girl A…then Girl B…
Then Girl A and B would live together…
Although i still get visiting priveledges.
=)
Never been a fan of the double, triple, quadtriple dipping thing myself… relocated from a major European city to an island (for work) with close to 75,000 people and believe me, polyamory is not so uncommon here. I work in the medical field (also a pretty close knit community) so much so that I decided to date exclusively off island – my man A. lives a short flight away in Miami :) … p.s. I’m a virgin to the FBC blog and have been throughly enjoying the posts. You go girl!!
WELCOME to the brown!! :) Glad to have you here. And, I know what you mean about dating people outside the circle. I told a guy (the one mentioned in this post) that I can’t date media people anymore and I really meant it. Last dude I kissed / snuggled / whatever was a lawyer. I liked that.
Polyamory? Â I never met Poly, but I probably would’ve done some amory with her.
Hell, for my entire dating life I’da settled for *any* amory, poly or otherwise, as long as there was some amory happening and I was in there somewhere. Â All ancient history now, though – I’m happy with my mono-amorical situation.
Glad you found the right person for you :)
I am a one per “circle” gal.
Me too!
Well I personally don’t like to double dip because no matter how emotionally prepared you are for the situation. Your partners may have a change of heart and make the situation difficult. Maybe it is because I am in the south but it seems tough to even find folks who will admit they want to just enjoy themselves without some pseudo hang up and thus they create un-needed connections to almost every person they sleep with. This may not be true for everyone but this has been my dilema. I am 100% honest with these folks and they still push the edge.
That hasn’t been my experience in New York. Sometimes sex is just sex. And, people feel relatively less pressure to make it more than it is. Having said that, I’m kind of over “just sex” and I’m looking for something a bit more substantive.
From what I’ve experienced polyamory isn’t having casual sex with people who are simply within the same social circles as you. It’s a consenting relationship consisting of more than 2 partners. What you’re describing are the complications of casual sex on any level, and if that’s the definition of polyamory then most Americans are or have been polyamorous whether they claim to be monogamous or not.
Point taken. Good distinction. These terms are definitely slippery. Like: Monogamy. Could mean monogamous sex with serial partners or a monogamous relationship.
“From what I’ve experienced polyamory isn’t having casual sex with people who are simply within the same social circles as you. It’s a consenting relationship consisting of more than 2 partners. ”
Thanks for stating this. I’m in a polyamorous marriage and for a time my husband and I were dating a married woman. Her husband also has a girlfriend. It wasn’t about banging everyone we could. It was about loving multiple people with everyone’s full consent.
@Amina, yeah, I think you’ve noted a big distinction. Â From what I understand, polyamory implied a commmitment, it’s just a commitment to more than one person. Â All the parties know about each other. Â It is NOT the same as casual sex.
My days in college, I guess. I once drew a diagram of who was seeing who, and it looked like a spider web.
Currently in intimate relationships with two beautiful women. Love and happiness. So long as everybody’s happy, does it really matter?
Doesn’t matter at all. As I mention in the post, I really think everyone should mutually consent to whatever type of relationship they wish. I know what I like and what I don’t like in my personal relationships. But, that doesn’t mean I expect others (I’m not dating) to be just like me.
I just love your honesty, Twanna, no matter what you’re writing about. And this post is a great example of refusing to play to any type. It’s always refreshing.
I love your honesty! Wow, I just recently heard of this term and I know it isn’t for me. Some can handle relationships like this, but for others focusing on one is enough. This is where I first heard of polyamorous relationships. My first thought was this person mentioned in the article was a weird situation. http://blog.californiapsychics.com/?p=5857000