Psychology Today’s Are You with the Right Mate? is appealing. It’s a question we all ask: Is there something better? Homebuyers wonder if they’re picking the right house. Renters who double up wonder if life would be sweeter with a different roommate. Employees wonder if they should stick with their current job’s stability or accept a new opportunity with better pay or a better work environment.
I recently returned from a Chicago stay at the Hotel Felix where a friend and I overheard a 20 something dude in the lobby bar ruminating about his love life, sloppily debating whether or not he should leave his 34 year-old girlfriend. “I’m 28. I don’t have any kids. I’ve never been married. I own my own business …” Dumbass, I muttered under my breath. You think you might be able to get something better because you’re a catch in the Midwest. In Manhattan, I can’t go to a party and spit straight without it hitting at least a dozen guys kind of like you except they would be richer and hotter. If you truly love your girlfriend — and, more importantly, if she’s good to you — keep her. For now.
I’m a fan of casual sex, fucking around, and having tons of experiences with a lot of different people when you’re single. New Yorkers live the hell out of life first, then settle down (if ever). I’m in my 30s, single, never been married, and I don’t have any children. I was frustrated with the Hotel Felix lobby bar guy because I wondered: “If I ever move back to Chicago, will all the good men my age be already married? Would I be stuck dating someone like this guy — a 20-something blabbing he wanted to dump me?”
Read this. It’s from a couple years ago, but I still feel the same. I miss the Midwest like hell, and I’ve contemplated moving back. Not tomorrow. Someday. I’m noncommittal about longterm plans. I could own a pad in River West, Wicker Park or Humbolt Park in 2016, or I could remain on the East Coast forever. It’s like that old adage: The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. Today, I’m watering the grass in New York City. If I ever decide to move, I’ll water the grass somewhere else just fine, too.
I will always love New York. For your viewing pleasure: “Never A Dull Moment On the NYC Subway” (via the lovely and delicious Jonathan Fields)
“Sooner or later there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake,” says the Are You with the Right Mate? article. Finding happiness isn’t about chasing the next best thing. Regardless who you’re with now (or are seeking), there will always be someone hotter, richer, smarter, thinner, curvier, less challenging, more challenging, more fun, more something. If you believe your personal happiness is what matters most and you would be happier without your significant other, it may be time to figuratively “water” the relationship a bit more. However, if you’re already doing that yet grass keeps dying anyway, it may be time to reevaluate.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
ITA with what you are saying. And it sounds like dating is a nightmare— stories like this make me almost glad to married. I’m in my 30′s and even some of my friends who got out of their relationships and jumped back in the dating pool, went back to their ex and worked it out. It’s like the lesser of two evils– yeah, the dude might have been a complte asshole,but at least they knew what they were getting. It’s hard work trying to make it work with someone who has just as much, if not more baggage than you do. And when you have kids, it’s not easy trying to findsomeone who will accept you and your kids. I’m sure this guy in the convo you overheard probably does think he’s a catch, but he sounds deeply immature. So, if a woman in her 30′s who may or may not have kids, have been married or not, and is looking for a meaningful relationship, is going to have a hard time. Casual relationships may be the way to go, if these types of guys are what you have to choose from. If I found myself divorced or widowed, I’d rather be alone and occupy myself with vibrators. You are definitely braver than I am to deal with these men in the single world— kudos, seriously….
The one thing I do miss about marriage was that it made things simpler. “Here I am, make it work.” It didn’t. Like you say, the grass is greener where you water it. I’m not even sure if there is such a thing as “compatibility” beyond the need to be mostly matched intellectually and ethically.
I agree with Scott. I think that relationships areole about compatibility. You can have all of the passion and like-minded sexual appetites in the world, but if you want different things out of life, it won’t last. As you get older, you want different things from the person you are with. My divorced friends always wonder if they really did try hard enough to make it work– and I guess you can never really know if you did or not. It’s more about being tired of being miserable– being together when you don’t make each other happy anymore.
Love NY too, and yes, it seems the dating dynamics in other places are decidedly different (as are the marrying trends). The grass CAN be greener, but it can also turn quite brown when always looking for greener pasteurs so thanks for providing this interesting food for thought. LOVE thename of your blog btw, happy we happened upon it! Funny, enteratining post-thanks!
I think that Puma has probably hit the nail square on the head. I have been guilty of falling into that “the grass is always greener” thought pattern (and always regretted it). If the relationship was worth starting in the first place, then it is worth the effort to improve/modify it.