Jan 302013

It would be fantastic if you had a Bullshit Detector. The good news is: you do. It’s called trust. In intimate relationships, if a partner is honest — and exhibits desires, willingness and capabilities upon which you can rely — you might likely deem them trustworthy, that is, worthy of your trust.

interracial couple

When I’m scared or upset, I stop breathing. When I’m hurt, I cry. When I’m unsure what to do, I laugh. Mindful reflection has taught me to breathe deeply from my abdomen and relax as I acknowledge what my body and instincts are telling me. In love, although confessing my emotions to a partner exposes me to vulnerability, it’s often in that open state that I’ve learned the most about my partners’ intentions.

Are they insensitive? If your partner shows little concern for your emotions, they may simply be a bit insensitive. If you or your partner is emotionally closed or simply not paying attention, you may be missing needs they are communicating to you. Be there for your partner, and be emotionally honest. However, if you’re vulnerable and they continue to display a lack concern, determine whether or not you should trust their desire, willingness and capability to love you the way you wish to be loved.

Are they emotionally abusive? Trust should be earned, not necessarily given indiscriminately. One of the proudest moments in my career arrived via a high school group’s thank you letter delivered after I taught them a Healthy Relationships workshop. I’ll share these tips with you, my little sweets. Tomorrow’s update is already finished: How to Steer Clear of Crazy, Sociopathic, Rage-Filled Lovers. Subscribe to receive an automatic notice once it’s live.

  4 Responses to “Is Your Lover Emotionally Abusive or Just Insensitive?”

  1. Let’s face it. Most men are less sensitive then women. It’s our nature and a lot of times, our upbringing. Sometimes in a relationship you have to ask (woman) am I being too sensitive? Plus, do you want a whip of a man, or the real deal. I was brought up as a man, as men are not suppose to cry. Which is still a practice some people still use on a boy. Boy, “stop crying”, “get up, you are not hurt” “be tough, stand up to that bully”. Take a girl and, honey are you alright, did you hurt yourself. Let me put something on that scratch. Let’s face it, we are taught to be less sensitive. I would like to believe I’m more sensitive to a woman needs then most men, but I still had to learn to be more patient with my spouse sensitivities. Sometimes yo have to look up the man up bringing, before you judge if he is under sensitive to a woman needs… But that’s one man view of things…

    • I agree with much of what you’ve said; strictly gendered upbringings, any many ways, deal dudes shitty hands that dictate they’re supposed to just “suck it up” when they’re hurt — even if violently. That’s really fucked up. And, there’s no “but” to follow that. It’s just true.

      Gendered upbringings also suck for women. When a man is violated by another man, no one asks him: “What were you wearing?” There’s not this “surely you must have done something to bring it upon yourself” bullshit that’s often shoved down women’s throats.

      So, if we’re talking about monogamous straight relationships, you’ve got one woman and one man with imperfect upbringings trying to figure this stuff out (for the most part) on their own. So, what are we supposed to do?

      According to data from the CDC’s newly-released “National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey,” if you’re a woman, you’re most likely to be abused if you’re either a lesbian or bisexual — that is, if you identify as heterosexual (only with dudes), you’re less likely to be abused.

      So, here’s an interesting exercise for you (and anyone else reading): Re-read this update, imagining the woman as the insensitive / abusive person to her male lover — or, perhaps, one woman with another insensitive woman.

      Whether male, female, or other, relationships can be difficult for all of us; I don’t think it helps us conduct ourselves — or our relationships — any better if we pretend one group is always always always the persecuted victim.

      You soooo have to read tomorrow’s update: “How to Steer Clear of Crazy, Sociopathic, Rage-Filled Lovers.” Again, don’t assume I’m talking strictly about men.

  2. I agree with this post. However, my past relationship, I was with a guy who was more sensitive than me.. I’d never been with a guy who cried so much. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was nice to know that he was sensitive but it was definitely a new experience.

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