Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

FBC on Mandrake Society Radio

Folks, I am STRUGGLING here in the cornfields without internet!!!!!! I may get bumped off line, so bear with me if this post ends after this sentence. [Wipes brow.] Whoa, I honestly can’t believe it’s still working. Anyway, so, believe it or not, no one has discovered a way to wire cornfields — or deer antler, for that matter. So, for today, check me out over at Mandrake Society Radio. If you just want to hear the podcast, click this link.

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Podcast credit and thanks:
J.W. Richard from Mandrake Society Radio
Vanessa Hidary a.k.a The Hebrew Mamita
Magnatune.com
… and all other folks mentioned in the podcast

December 27th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [3] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Stockings on Their Dicks

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! I’m heading out of town but, as promised, I didn’t want to leave without sharing my Fake Christmas Album with you. The title of this album is “Stockings on Their Dicks” and it’s dedicated to each and everyone of you.

STOCKINGS ON THEIR DICKS: A Fake Christmas Album

Track 1: All I Want for Christmas is a Good Man
Track 2: Jingle My Bells
Track 3: The Urban Christmas Rap
Track 4: Happy Christmahanukwanzaa
Track 5: In New York, It’s Pronounced “Hanukkah”
Track 6: The Funky Brown Chick Sent Me
Track 7: Santa Got Mugged on Park Avenue
Track 8: Rumor Has It That Santa’s Elves Are All Total Whores
Track 9: Tis the Season to Gain Weight
Track 10: Stockings on Their Dicks (Hidden Track)

About the title of Track 6, The Funky Brown Chick Sent Me … Based on a game on Michele Agnew’s blog, I’ve come up with an idea that will spread a little holiday cheer. The first person to comment on my blog should wish me “Happy Holidays.” Then, the next person to comment should do the same thing *AND* leave a comment on the blog of the person whose comment appears before yours. The comment should say, “The Funky Brown Chick sent me. Happy Holidays to you and your family”, or something like that. Easy enough? Leave a comment. Check who left a comment before you. Visit their blog. Leave a holiday greeting there telling ‘em that the Funky Brown Chick sent you. Tis the season. It’s a great wait to discover a new blog & spread a little holiday cheer. So, what are you waiting for?

December 22nd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Protected: The Grandma Who Tried to Seduce Me

September 10th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | Enter your password to view comments

Just Saw the Muthaf&*kin’ Snakes

Snakes on a Plane is the best muthaf^&kin’ fun that you could ever have at a muthaf^&kin’ movie!!!!! I mean it. Rewind to opening day. Just after midnight, Mags, Bro, The Republican, The Mainer and I join the other diehard fans to see Snakes on a Plane (SOAP). Maybe it’s because the movie is so bad that it’s good. Maybe it’s because half of the audience in theater is either drunk, stoned, or both. Or, maybe New Yorkers are just a little bit crazier than your average moviegoer. Whatever it is, I **LOVE** it. The movie was great and the audience made the whole experience even more worthwhile. Wait a minute … you know what? This story is too long to type out. I’m just gonna audioblog it. Okay. There. Just did it. Oh, and, just out of curiosity, did anyone else see the movie last weekend? If you did, what did you think? If you didn’t, what did you do last weekend?

Running Time: 4 minutes, 1 second.

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By the way, hey, I predicted that the movie would make $18 million during its opening weekend and then lose more than half (52-60%) of its audience in the second weekend. So far, I’m not that off, but the weekend estimates are still rolling in.

August 21st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Guess What I Did Yesterday

Welcome to Monday. I hope that you all had a good weekend and that the week is starting off nicely for you. My weekend went really well. Friday and Saturday, I went out with friends and I also hung out at Central Park. On Sunday, I spent the day out and about in the city and … drum roll please … Actually, wait. To shake things up a bit, why don’t you guess what the last bit is? I’ll give you three hints: (1) it doesn’t involve soccer or sex; (2) it does involve a Viking; and (3) if you click the “play this audio post” button that appears below, you’ll have the answer. Ready, set …

  

  

Running time: 1 minute, 27 seconds.

 

 

July 17th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Oops. Did I Actually POST That?!?!

Okay, to those of you who arrived at the Funky Brown Chick yesterday between the hours of 6:52pm EST and midnight, I want to say this: I’m sorry. Really. I mean it. I was just as terrified and frightened by what appeared here as the rest of you were. So, I guess an explanation is in order, huh? Okay, here it goes … Tuesday night. Sid and I exchange emails. “Hey Sid,” I write. “When are you free again? We should hang out soon!” She responds that she’s free the following day, Wednesday. We decide to meet up for drinks.

Wednesday arrives. At 7:30pm, we grab dinner. Rosemary roasted chicken for Sid, slices of medium rare tuna for Stolie. While we eat, we share wonderful conversations about work, life, love, and New York City. Are you with me so far? At this point, we are still fairly innocent, decent, upstanding human beings.

Fast forward. We’re at Prohibition — an upscale restaurant/bar with great live music. It’s 3:30am. Sid and I have been hanging out on the Upper West Side, and drinking, for almost 8 hours. Between the two of us, our drink total includes: 1 frozen margarita, 1 lemon drop, 3 beers, 2 dirty martinis, 8 French martinis and 3 or 4 chocolate martinis. All hell begins to break loose. I am not going to go into great detail; suffice it to say that our activities for the evening include: 1 nearly-spanked ass; 3 kisses from a US Marine who was on leave from Iraq; 2 falls onto the concrete pavement outside of the bar; kickboxing with a random stranger; and 2 penis gropes.

I’m not sure why, but at some point in the evening Sid and I start a discussion about audioblogging. “It’s so easy,” I explain, “that we could totally even do it right now.” And, because we’re so drunk, that’s exactly what we decide to do. And, if you heard it, you *know* that it was pretty scary …

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Shhhhh!!! I deleted the original post, but you can still click HERE to hear it … Remember to turn your speakers down. Really. I mean it.

May 5th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Live from, um, what is this? Central Park.

The funniest thing happened to me when I was on my way to meet my friend Mel for a nice, springtime stroll through Central Park. Actually, now that I think about it, I can’t exactly say it’s the funniest thing — it’s more like “the most disturbing thing”. Anyway, here it goes. Live from Central Park. (NOTE: Oh yeah, by the way, this post should also be known as “A Few Words on Puberty in New York City.”)

April 16th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Baby’s First Audio Post

Let the high-pitched tone of my voice soothe you. Ponder why I choose to speak directions to myself into the phone. “Press pound.” Hear panic first hand as my speech quickens when I realize that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. (Actually, to be honest … I can’t blame the fast talking on my panic; I generally tend to talk reallyreally fast under normal situations, too. But, no, I’m not on drugs—recreational or otherwise.) For the record, kiddies, never … and I mean never … did I ever claim that I was *not* a goofball.

Running time:
12 seconds