“Are you Twanna?” she asked.

Embarrassed I couldn’t place her face, I froze. Did she work in media? Had I met her at a New York industry-event? Looking at her sceptically, I hesitated a soft, “Yes.”

“Oh, okay, I thought I recognized you.” She began slowly backing away, and I got the impression she didn’t want to intrude. She quickly added, “I read your blog … Just wanted to say I love it.”

Smiling, my face’s wattage shown brightly. I love it when I meet Funky Brown Chick readers. As I told the pretty brown girl, I don’t aggressively shove my site in anyone’s face. I create content. If you find my writing and you like what you read, that makes me happy. Ever the chatty Midwesterner, I told her I was in Barnes & Noble because one of my writing mentors told me I should check out other memoirists’ books. (”Read what you write.”) I also told the woman I hadn’t updated my site in over a week because I’d been busy writing my book.

“I grossly underestimated how much time editing takes. I have 302 pages written. So, technically, it’s done. But, I’m re-working it to get it in better shape.”

The pretty lady and I continued talking for a few minutes. She told me she found my blog because one of her exes, a short white dude, told her she should read it. I thought that was cute and sweet.

“You know,” I confessed, “I’m weird because, now, I totally feel guilty about not updating my site. I think I’m gonna write about you. Seriously, I’m really grateful for my readers and I feel bad I’ve neglected the site for this long.” I thanked her again and said something about keeping in touch.

Before exiting the bookstore’s cafe, she mentioned, “I’ll email you.”

I reached to fetch a business card out of my purse. “You know how to contact me?”

Smiling, she paused to let the obvious sink in.

“Oh,” I fumbled words, “yeah, I guess that makes sense. Of course you know where to find me.”

She laughed.

* * *

Apologies for the post-free days. I’m a one-woman show, balancing a very full plate. I’ve been buried in editing hell for the past week or so and, in two days, I’m jetting out of New York to speak at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin, TX. So, just a quick update to say THANK YOU, as always, to everyone who reads my site. I’ll be back to posting more regularly very very soon.

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Act II, Scene 5: Guilted into Updating Funky Brown Chick

What a lovely time for a Reader Appreciation Day. Just a quick note to say congratulations to Pamela, winner of the Love Kit. :) In case you wondered how the winner was selected, I took the total number of entries on Twitter and www.funkybrownchick.com and added the digits together. For example, if eleven (11) people entered … 1 + 1 = 2, I would’ve awarded the prize to the second entry. If 15 people entered … 1 + 5 = 6, so the sixth entry would’ve won. And, so on. I wanted a fair way to generate a random winner, and that seemed easy enough.

For Valentine’s Day, Pamela says she might have dinner with friends or enjoy solo time with “wine, salmon, and a long Lush bath.” (Sounds fun!) As the winner, she’ll likely receive lip balm, Whitney Casey’s 256-page guide The Man Plan, chocolates, a Match.com membership discount coupon, a manicure set, a free 30-day online movie rental subscription and other stuff. Huge THANK YOUs to the lovely folks at Match.com for getting down with the Funky Brown by hooking up an FBC reader with a love kit!

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Winner: Funky Brown Chick Reader PAMELA

To this (where I am today, day and night):

In any case, I think I’m back in the regular swing of things in New York and on my blog. I’ve got posts brewing about, the British boy & his girlfriend’s shoes, an update on my matchmaker, JDate stuff and a bunch of other things. I’ll post again later today. As always, if you need a more regular dose of what’s going on in my day-to-day life, feel free to follow me on Twitter or flip through my images on Flickr. (By the way, apologies to the blond guy; I told him I’d update on Saturday.)

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You Can Take The Girl Out of The Country …

Now that I’m back (at least, you know, to updating Funky Brown Chick) … First things first, I owe one of you a mug. Basically, to make it easy, I took 2 + 6 (because there were 26 comments on the post where I gave away a free mug), and I emailed the person who left the 8th comment to tell them they’ve won Funky Brown Chick swag. When/if she responds, I’ll send the mug. If she doesn’t get back to me or turns the prize down, I’ll pick a different winner.

That’s all for now. I’ve noticed, when I update the blog after being away for a bit, my posts are always really jumbled like: ooh, ooh, ooh, this is what happened on J-Date, here’s what’s going on with my matchmaker, and did you see MSNBC’s article about single black women and did I mention I’m leaving New York next week? I’ll cover all of this and more in due time.

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Don’t Call It a Comeback

By the way, speaking of kind words here and on Facebook, huge shout out to Funky Brown Chick readers in Australia!!!! Half dozen Aussies commented on a Facebook note I wrote about them. Great people. I’ve gotta go down under for a visit some day — especially that town called “Manly.” Sounds fun ;) I’m curious about the rest of you. If you’re not from Australia (or even if you are), please leave a comment in the section below to let me know where you are right now. As an added incentive, I’ll send a free Funky Brown Chick mug to a randomly selected person from today’s comments section. I’ll even cover it with a kiss or two before dropping it in the mail. Consider it a “Reader Appreciation” gift from me to you. By the way, this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for lurkers to dip their toes in the public comments section. No need to say much. Just a quick comment that says: “Hi from ___.” It’s always exciting to discover Funky Brown Chick readers live in Branson, Missouri; Roanoke, Virginia; Yucaipa, California and destinations outside the U.S. So, come on, why are you waiting? Your fingers are aching for you to type “hi” and, possibly, get a free coffee mug. Ready. Set. Go.

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I’m Giving Away Free Kisses & A Mug

Given the response to my HIV post, it seems fitting to write about the guy who claims a lying, thieving, phony, cheating female pastor gave him herpes. He starts his letter to me “Hey Tawana.” SIDENOTE … In college, I once asked a guy named Gebhardt Gurkewitz for a letter of recommendation, and I fucked up his name in the request. He told me, “If you’re going to ask someone to do something for you, the very least you can do is spell their name right.” He had a point. And, for the record, my name is spelled Twanna. (Like “I wanna” but with a “T.”) Moving right along … So, the reader’s email says he was accused of being an abuser by a woman who gave him herpes. He wants me to write details about said woman so he can shame her and get his side of the story out. Not a good idea. For “Mr. Herpes” and anyone else who has ever considered emailing me (or any other relationships writer) to ask for advice, here a four free tips / lessons …

DON’T SUBMIT REQUESTS TO THE WRONG PLACE. In addition to getting the name right, it’s probably good to poke around the internet to see if you even WANT advice from that person. If you read Funky Brown Chick, you’ll notice it’s a positive space and I don’t like drama. The only rule in the comment section is “be kind.” Disagree, get angry, tell me you think my ideas are cockamamie … but don’t be an asshole. Given that’s the tone of my site, it’s safe to assume I’m not going to accept requests to use Funky Brown Chick for a reader’s revenge.

DO BACK AWAY IF YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE. Take Mr. Herpes, for example. Here’s the sum total of what I know about him … He emails me at 10:30 p.m. on a Thursday night and follows that up with an 11:00pm telephone call and two text messages. When he receives zero response, the next afternoon, he texts me again at 1:30pm. I don’t respond. So, the next day, he texts me again. And, by the way, remember, by his own admission (via email), at least one woman has accused him of abusing her. Question: Why the FUCK would I want to get involved with any of that mess?

DON’T BE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. Once, I think I got an email from a girl in her early teens. She said a 20-something guy tells her he loves her, but then he sometimes doesn’t show up to see her when he says he will. God, I soooo remember how frustrating, confused and awkward my teen years were. Seriously, you couldn’t pay me to re-live junior high or high school. So, yeah, teens seeking advice should look for resources especially geared toward minors. And, for what it’s worth, I agree with Nikol. “If you’re in junior high and you’re dating someone who’s out of high school, he’s a pedophile.”

DO CONSIDER THERAPY. If you were bleeding from your eyeballs and the lower half of your body went numb, you’d see a doctor. The logic? “Something’s not quite right with my physical health, and I probably need a professional’s advice.” However, I’ve had friends (and readers) tell me their parents have died (or divorced), they’re unable to have sex because they don’t trust men, their wife cheated on them, they were raped by a guy friend in college or a whole host of other things. When I suggest they find a therapist, it seems to fall on deaf ears. The logic? “I’m not crazy!” Possibly not. But, then again, few people wait until they’re dying to see a doctor. So, why wait to see a counselor until life becomes UNBEARABLE?! Last year, I wrote a post titled “How to Find a Therapist.” Read it — especially if your current situation or family history involves sexual, physical or emotional abuse.

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How NOT to Ask for Dating Advice

Kevin Styles asked, “How many people (men and women) have you had sex with?”

In college and grad school, I used to lie and say “I’ve only slept with four guys” because it seemed like a wholesome answer. I look at it differently now. Take a 40-year-old man who became sexually active at 15. Even if he was serially monogamous and only had one serious girlfriend (with sex) every year, he would’ve slept with 25 women by now. I’m not a man, nor am I 40 nor have I slept with 25 people.

So, now, I always answer the “how many people have you slept with” question with another question: Why does it matter? If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m a slut, the # of people I’ve slept with won’t give that away because, quite frankly, I think the term slut is bullshit. If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m safe / disease free, a better question might be: “With how many of your coke-addicted friends have you shared needles?” I don’t do coke. But, it’s interesting the “How many people have you fucked?” question starts with the assumption that sex is more common and/or “dirtier” than drugs.

Baba Doodlius asked, “Here’s one: What’s a nice girl like you doing in an internet like this?”

I made my first webpage (100% HTML hand-coded and uploaded using only MS Notepad and an FTP program) in 1995. I’ve been addicted to the internet ever since. So, yeah, I’m online because I’m a geek.  ;)  Hell, I was in Math Club in high school for crying out loud. I think I was one of very few — if not the only one — who wore a cheerleading skirt in Calculus class.

lamesabassman asked, “Salma Hayek…… or … Hallie Berry….. or Drew Barrymore….. or Pam G.”

I think they’re all good actors.

dkzone asked, “Ever fool around with another chick? If so, would you do it again?”

I had a threesome almost exactly a year ago: 2 girls and 1 guy. I’d do it again under different circumstances / with a different guy.

Alex asked, “I love your site Twanna but….. in this post “greatful”should be grateful no?”

Yep. Thanks for catching the typo. :) I usually write my posts at the ass crack of dawn and/or during late nights. Grammar flubs happen. Through out the day, I catch typos, missing words, etc. and I correct them. Sometimes you guys catch it before I do.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “How did you find the opportunities to work/live abroad? (I read your 101 things)”

Before I moved to New York and became a writer, I worked in international affairs. I did my BS and MA degrees in sociology, and I wrote my thesis paper on immigration in Europe. I speak Dutch fluently as well as a bit of French and Italian. My advice would be to learn as many languages as you can, and the opportunities will follow. Or, you might already know languages. Or, you can always go to Australia, England, Ireland or another place where you’ll be fine with English. :) The Department of Defense schools offer teaching jobs across the globe. One friend is teaching in London, and I have another in Indonesia and yet another in China. Additionally, the French and Spanish governments (and others) offer Americans who speak the language teaching opportunities in their countries. Peace Corps is another option. Also, tons of independent organizations offer work abroad and volunteer abroad opportunities.

dkzone asked, “Which would you choose: fantastic relationship, but mediocre sex…. or fantastic sex, but mediocre relationship?”

Fantastic relationship with mediocre sex. You can always help make the boinking better. But, you can’t “work on” a person to change them into someone they aren’t. By the way, if you missed them, you might be interested in these FBC posts: Is Good Sex a Basic Human Need? and Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “Being someone who relocated to NY from somewhere else (like myself) how did you make friends? And where is your favorite place in NY to hang out?”

GREAT question! (Friends who’ve relocated often ask me this.) I move around a lot, so I’m kind of used to starting fresh and meeting new people. The easiest way to do it is do stuff you like doing. Sports? Join a non-professional team in your city. Reading? Join a book club. Movies? Join a film center. Speak Dutch and like to make out with tall, gorgeous Dutch boys? Go to NLBorrels. Oh, wait, shit. That last one was for me. ;) But, um, yeah, getting back to the question … Once you’ve met new people, you’ll have to keep doing it for a while. You won’t like some of them. Others might move away and/or not like you. It’s an ongoing process. By the way, I soooo can’t speak highly enough about Meetup.com. It’s a great way to meet people when you’re new to a city. And, you asked, Where are my favorite NYC place to hang out? At the moment, my apartment. I love my place. Other than that … Essex for brunch, MoMA for art, IFC Center for film, Central Park for running, etc.

dkzone asked, “Also have the items in your kitchen solely been used for cooking purposes?”

Nope. :) I keep my hammer, measuring tape, power drill, nails and other hardware goods in a kitchen drawer near my refrigerator. I don’t use those items to cook, but I’ve used them to hang paintings on my wall and affix coat hooks to the back of my door. :)

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “If you’re in a relationship with someone and you know that love them and are sexually attracted to them but have a hard time actually having sex with them, what do you think that means?”

Couple things. If the sex has always been mediocre, it means the two people aren’t communicating. The best way to make “okay” sex “great” sex is to talk about it — what works, what doesn’t work, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what could be different, etc. If the sex was good but now it’s not, something’s changed. Maybe one person doesn’t feel emotionally close to the other anymore. Maybe one partner has gained weight and doesn’t feel comfortable in their body anymore. Could be anything. In any case, it gets better with communication. If one or both partners aren’t able to talk about it, I’d suggest therapy. I love therapy.

Mindspin asked, “What’s the sexiest thing in your underwear drawer?”

Lately, I like this pink and black ribbon chemise by Rampage best.

Baba Doodlius asked, “How about: Do gerbils cower in fear at your approach, like they do for Richard Gere?”

I only like animals when I’m eating them. Speaking of which …

Baba Doodlius asked, “Breakfast – bacon and eggs or pancakes and sausage?”

I usually prefer steak & eggs for breakfast. Egg whites only. Multi-grain toast. And at least 2 or 3 mimosas.

——————
Image by Tory Byrne

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“How Many People Have You Slept With?”

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What Is a Sexpot (and Other Sex Questions)

Okay, so, this doesn’t have anything to do with dating. A little more than a year ago, I did a sitting with Bill Wadman. On the day of the shoot, he gave me an instant pic he took on one of his cameras. That evening, during my train ride home, I tucked it in between the pages of the paperback I was reading. When Bill emailed me digital copies of the photo shoot images, I was sooooo excited about how great the new pictures looked that — because I can be somewhat scattered — I totally forgot about the other pic I already had. Fast forward more than 12 months later. I found it again when I started packing up my books to move from my current apartment to the new place. I can’t believe I forgot about it because It’s one of my favorite photos, and Bill is probably one of the most skilled working photographers I’ve ever met. Given his relatively young age, his talent is truly remarkable. What’s more? He’s sooooo damn sexy! If you’d like to read the interview I did with him for my Nerve magazine column last year, it’s available on my site.

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In Pictures: I’m Not Quite Nude

ME: Imagine if Brad and Angelina Jolie ever split, and she went wacko by launching an anonymous “I HATE YOU BRAD!!!” campaign in Hollywood.

RACHEL: Yeah but ‘Brad’ is such a common name. He could always say it wasn’t him.
ME: True.
RACHEL: But, imagine if someone did that to either of us? Like, I would totally freak out if I walked through town and saw ‘I HATE YOU RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL’ signs everywhere …
ME: [laughs] Oh, yeah, like, ‘I SOOOOO CAN’T STAND TWANNA A. HINES’ plastered over Manhattan??
RACHEL: [giggles] Exactly!

Sometimes having a ‘unique identifier‘ name kinda sucks. You can’t really “hide.” Take me, for example. There aren’t millions of people in the US with the last name “Hines” and even fewer the first name “Twanna.” So, if you come across a “Twanna Hines” online, it’s me. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t kind of creep me out that exboyfriends and lovers, college friends, high school enemies, church members and everyone else knows it’s “me” when they stumble across my writing. I always think they’re going to judge me. And, truthfully, some probably do.

In the comments section, I know some of you use your real names and some of you use nicknames. After reading pieces like 10 Reasons Why You Should Use Your Real Name On Twitter (via here) as well as Why don’t you use your real name?, I wonder if more people will switch from nicknames to their real names in the years or, possibly, months ahead. (Time flies online!)

When people ask me what it’s like to put myself out there and/or if they should use their real name online, my answer if always the same: it depends. Sounds trite to say it but, if I knew then what I know now about being “out” online, I’m not sure what (if anything) I would’ve done differently. Writing anonymously (i.e. without showing my face) certainly made me bolder. For example, I sooooo don’t think I would’ve had the courage to post pics of myself in my underwear if I knew others would see me. But, since I DID post anonymous pictures of myself in panties earlier on, it made me more comfortable to pose with a lot of face and not much else later. That said, being “public” has also been kind of limiting. For example, I think writing is cathartic; so, there’s a lot of stuff I’d LIKE to write about — BUT, because I’m no longer anonymous, I feel like I can’t. Ahem, more on THAT topic next week when I talk about the male friends I’ve slept with in my past who’ve recently told me they’re getting married. In the meantime, whether you use a nickname or your real name, I’m curious to know if any of you have good stories about getting “found out” and/or finding someone else out? I seem to remember a certain SOMEONE who regularly comments on the FBC saying something about his son finding pictures of his new wife on an anonymous “big booty” site or something like that?!?! :)

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Should You Use Your Real Name Online?