I’m perched several stories in the dark sky, curled up on the floral couch of my apartment’s living room. I’m alone. It’s 2:00 a.m and Manhattan’s streets are quiet — at least they are in this part of town. Wearing panties and a t-shirt, I’m on the phone with my friend Anna-Scarlet. Speaking softly, I explain lovers from my past fall into two categories. When I’ve felt vulnerable, I gravitated toward The Silent Types. They were introverted, came from money, had few friends, managed steady careers and were total neat freaks. They were in control. Predictable. Safe. At my strongest and most independent moments, I sought fun-loving, well-traveled, wild & crazy partners in crime. Apparently, uncertainty makes me crave stability and stability makes me stircrazy.
“Why do you think I chose those men?” I question Anna-Scarlet via my little red touch phone.
My Life Choices is a topic over which I ruminate plenty. So, I didn’t ask her because I lack self reflection. I simply wanted to hear her perspective. She’s one my of favorite no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends. Unafraid to shield my feelings by only saying things I want to hear, she often provides personal insights I hadn’t considered.
“Twanna,” she sighs in a drawl. Anna-Scarlet is a fellow black woman raised in the deep south like I was (during childhood). “You’re afraid of intimacy. When you date risk-taking loose cannons, you’re actively seeking out people you know aren’t capable of forming stable relationships.”
I already know her words are true. She continues speaking, figuratively holding up a mirror to reflect an imperfection I often try to avoid. I keep men at a distance so they can’t danger my heart. Anna-Scarlet wants me to be a better person, and she wants me to have more fulfilling relationships.
My voice falls silent until I eventually mumble, “I know, I know.”
Now it’s my turn to sigh. I’m not sleepy; I’m weary. Everyone has emotional baggage. I’d like to check mine in somewhere and leave them for good but, oddly, I feel more comfortable with them at my side. “Okay,” I challenge, “So, what the story with the other side of the equation? Why do I date stable dudes?”
“You write about relationships and shit!!” She giggles. “Why are you asking me?”
“Even doctors seek second opinions when it comes to their personal health. Outside perspectives are always good.”
“True,” she agrees.
I think I hear her nod. “Soooo?” I wait. “What?”
“What do you mean ‘what’?”
“When do you think I’ll stop repeating the same patterns?”
“Twanna,” she starts. “You’ll stop seeking stability in men once you’ve discovered that for yourself. And, you’ll stop dating unattainable guys when you get tired of the dance and you’re ready to settle down.”
I know she’s right.
Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, women
December 22nd, 2009 | Print This Post
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