Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Would You Raise an Intersex Child?

As many of you know, I’m happily childfree and I have zero desire to have children. I’m pro Roe v. Wade. That said, if my (future?) partner and I found ourselves saddled with an unplanned pregnancy, I’d keep the child. Hence, the “choice” in pro-choice; keep your laws out of my coochy and let me decide what to do with my body. I’m 100% pro-choice and, of course, 100% Pro-FBC readers who disagree with my personal politics. As I’ve said before, “Life is interesting when people respectfully disagree.” I love my readers, and the comments section is one of my favorite parts of this blog.

We’re talking about kids today. Lemme give you a scenario. Let’s say I had a random fling with a dude and I got knocked up. For shits and giggles, let’s just say Paul Walker is my babydaddy. (Um, yum!) Okay, so, Paulie and I would love our daughter or son if they were lesbian or gay. Given that little one would be biracial, we’d be damn sure they respected both sides of their heritage. If it’s a son, he gets to keep his foreskin. If the child was deaf / hard of hearing child, I’d learn more (already know a bunch) sign language instead of giving them a cochlear implant. See a trend here folks? I’d love my child in whatever shape or form they exited my womb.

But, what would I do if I had an intersex child? It’s rare that kids are born hermaphrodite — with 100% fully functional vagina and girl bits plus 100% fully functional willy and boy bits. Intersex kids more commonly fall somewhere in between. (Maybe they have, like, a 5% formed vagina and 80% developed penis.) SIDENOTE: Did anyone see that old episode of Footballers Wive$ with the Turner intersex baby?!?!??! Anyway, getting back to the question … I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t submit me and Paulie’s baby to corrective surgery to “fix” the kid into one sex or the another. But, I think that’s more about my pro-natural health / anti-elective surgery stance than it is about pro-intersex. Anyway. Stumbled across this mini-documentary on Current TV so I thought I’d share:

Interesting, huh?

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Credit paid: Big drippy kisses to the folks at Current TV for being so singlehandedly ridiculously awesome!!! Also, MUCH LOVE to FUNKY BROWN CHICK readers Amy, Alysha and Erica for talking about this video with me online.

Technorati Tags: crotch fruit, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, hermaphrodite, intersex, Paul Walker, pro-choice, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, Twanna Hines

October 21st, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Who’s Your Celebrity Crush?

“OMFG!!” I gasp a quick breath of air. “It’s him. It’s hiiiiiim!” Children squeal when they’re overexcited. I squeal when I see Paul Walker — or, as I like to call him — my Paulie. I skipped Manly Monday yesterday because I wanted to share the story about Mr. Charming. So, it’s time for a Testicle Tuesday. A lovely reader that I’ll call Christina — because that’s her name — shares my appreciation of the man. (Check out her blog and tell her funky brown chick sent you her way!) A while back, Christina commented, “How about another PW post, this one is from 2006 after all.” Ah, yes. Paul Walker’s mysterious disappearance from my blog.

If you’ve recently started reading my site, you might not know this but … about a year or two ago, my blog *almost* morphed into a public shrine to Paulie. I made him my official “Boy” when I ran for president, wrote an ode to him, talked about him on one of my fake albums, sang a song called Twelve Dudes of Christmas about him, crushed on him even when he was a blonde, and received 87 blog comments when I asked my readers whether or not he was droolworthy. To the latter point, I almost shut the blog post down when it became clear that people actually thought I was Paul Walker. “I love you!” cried Daniela. “You look just like the boy my heart thinks about all the time and that guy is YOU!!!!” Some guy who goes by name Joe Jones said, “thanks paul am a big fan off your stufff.” Kaycee Blackwell? Well, she was almost rendered speechless, “hi, my name is Kaycee and I cant even think of anything to say But you are so cute Ive seen you in every and i think that your not only very cute but you are a great actor also i didnt want to say that i was your biggest fan or anything But I would like to say that your really alsome!!! and i would love to meet you one day!!!!!!” Here’s the point where you stop and ask, “Why, pray tell, would anyone think peach-skinned, blue-eyed, California surfer dude Paul Walker was the mastermind behind a New York-based website called FUNKY BROWN CHICK?” I don’t know. I really don’t know. Anyway.

Pleeeasssee stop writing about Paul Walker, many of you begged me. You spoke. I heard. I love my readers. So, if you’d had enough of Paulie, I was willing to keep my crushing private. For nearly a year. But, then, a couple of weeks ago, I saw my Paulie on the cover of the April 2008 edition of Outside magazine. How the hell can I NOT blog about him now? :) I’ll try to keep it under control this time. I promise. Now, quick, hurry up and go check out Xtina’s blog and thank her for breaking the case of the missing Paulie. :) Ooooh, a Testicle Tuesday AND reader appreciation rolled into one? It happens! So, now that you know who Christina and I are crushing on, feel free to tell us which celebrity is catching your eye these days.

Technorati Tags: demi gods, Outside magazine, Paul Walker

April 22nd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [31] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Is Paul Walker Droolworthy or Not?

Okay, so I’ve been thinking … maybe I’m not too picky. Take Paul Walker, for example. He’s gorgeous, but he’s not … shall we say … an Ivy League grad. (For the record, neither am I!) Nevertheless, as many of you know, I’m in love with him. MADLY in love with him. Which brings me to my next point … I don’t know how many — if any — of you share the love that I have for him. Actually … who am I kidding? NO ONE has as much love in their heart for this man as I do. But, really, tell me: What’s your opinion of Paul Walker? Do you think he’s droolworthy … or not?

October 4th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [98] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Snakes on a Muthafuckin Blog

Did you know that you can go to the “Snakes on a Plane” website and have Pulp Fiction’s very own Samuel L. Jackson call a friend and leave a voicemail message for free? Well, it’s not really him, per se, but it’s his voice. I got a call last night. My friend E sent it to me; it’s great! Man, the “internet craze” about this movie is out of control. Supposedly, the buzz has been so strong that they actually re-cut and re-shot a few scenes of the movie to include lines from various blogs — most notably, they added the line, “I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!” Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m excited about “Snakes on a Plane”. My friends and I are going to watch it on opening night and, yeah, sure, I even think the idea behind the movie is kind of genius. But, there’s one thing that kind of disturbs me: Snakes on a Blog.

Do you know the story behind Snakes on a Blog? Apparently, back in January, some random punk starts a blog to chronicle his “quest to attend the Hollywood premiere of Snakes on a Plane”. Guess what happens. Yep, you guessed it — after much hype, the folks over at New Line Cinema actually formally invite the kid to next Friday’s premiere at Mann’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, California. But, wait, there’s more: they also agree to cover his airfare and accommodations, too. Can you believe this?!?!

Question: Why am I so pissed off about this? Answer: I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first. Honestly, I mean, think about it … Paul Walker just had a movie — 8 Below — open recently right? Well, it’s a movie about a hottie (Paul Walker) and a bunch of dogs. I mean, hell, if I had been even ½ as clever as the Snakes on a Blog kid, I would have renamed the Funky Brown Chick “A Hottie and A Bunch of Fucking Dogs on a Blog”. And, quite honestly, I think I would have done it if I thought that it would score me an all-expenses paid trip to the premiere of 8 Below and/or 1 seat on Paul Walker’s lap. Man, damn that Snakes on a Blog kid. Damn him straight to hell for being smarter than I am!! Anyway … here are a few questions for you: Have you heard of the movie “Snakes on a Plane”? Are you going to see it? And, most importantly, did you have Samuel L. Jackson leave a voicemail message for anyone?

August 8th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Protected: Questions About The Girl Behind the Blog

April 14th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | Enter your password to view comments

Ask Me About: Love. Friends. Religion. Sex. Life.

Do you read the blog Baby Jewels Hates You? If not, you should. She’s funny. The other day, she had a brilliant idea for her blog. And, because I like the idea so much, I’ve decided to steal borrow it for today’s post.

Rewind. Last Wednesday. Baby Jewels allows all of her readers—longtimers as well as firsttimers—to ask her any question they’d like. Her promise? No question will go unanswered. Some of her readers’ questions are pretty straight forward: “How old are you?” Baby Jewels: “40.” One question, from a reader named Kerri, is a bit more interesting: “Why do ‘birds of a feather flock together?’” Baby Jewel’s witty response: “Because birds are racist separatists, Kerri. That’s why God created Bird Flu. He’s hates those little bastards.”

Okay, now, lifting the idea from one blog (hers) and placing it onto another (mine), here’s the deal … Use the “comment” link below to ask me a question. Keeping with the rules of the game: (1) You have to post your question before the deadline*; (2) You can ask me about anything; and (3) No question will go unanswered. It doesn’t matter if you’re the guy who’s lurking from Scotland, the first time visitor from Germany, one of the regular readers from Texas, or anyone else — this is your chance. Ready? Ask away little ones, ask away …

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* You have until Thursday, 11:59PM New York City time, to post your question / questions. I’ll post the answers Friday morning.

April 12th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [26] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Who’s Hotter: Blonde Men or Brunette Men?

I’m horny. I was going to blog about other things today, but I haven’t had sex in almost six months. So, I really need to talk (and fantasize) about men for a bit. And, if we’re going to talk about men, what better topic could there be than People Magazine’s 2006 Sexiest Man Alive pick? No, they haven’t named the guy yet, but yes I’m pretty sure I know who they’re going to pick. Who is it? Well …

Here’s what I know. People Magazine usually bestows the top SMA award on attractive, 30-something, whitebread, American men — though some SMAs have hailed from Scotland, Australia, and England. Also, the SMA is typically someone who is in the news at the end of the summer / beginning of fall when the SMA issue hits newsstands. So, taking all of this into consideration, I have two words for you: David. Beckham.* He’s 31. British. Hot. And, let us not forget that it’s a World Cup year; he’ll be in the news a lot this summer. But, here’s a question: how the hell could the magazine that wisely honored such deliciously dark-featured men as Denzel Washington, JFK Jr. and George Clooney suddenly “Go Blonde”?

Now, before you all throw your Clairol Ultress 7a Medium Ash Blonde bottles of hair color at me, let’s be clear: I love men. All [gorgeous] men. Hell, I think Paul Walker is a hottie. He’s blonde. [Pictured, but click here to drool over more photos Paulie.] Ditto for Jason Lewis. [Click here to drool over J-babe.] It’s just, as I’ve said before; my preference tends to be the 2 out of 3 guy: Hair. Eyes. Skin — at least 2 out of the 3 should be dark. And, you know what? People Magazine used to agree with me. Peruse the Sexiest Man Alive Vault, and you’ll notice that the top award has only gone to 6 (5 faux, 1 natural) blondes over the past 20 years. That’s not exactly “Going Blonde”, BUT it’s worth noting that the two most recent triumphs mark a back-to-back blonde win; Jude Law won in 2004 and Matthew Mcconaughey won in 2005. So, if/when Becks wins this year, we’ll have a Blond Threepeat on our hands. What ever happened to tall, dark and handsome? Are blondes the new “it” boys?

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** Paul Walker is a fucking god. Sure, it would make more sense to post a photo of David Beckham today. But, I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t fathom writing a post and about blondes and NOT posting a picture of Paul Walker. It would have felt like I was cheating.

March 23rd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [35] folks got down with the Funky Brown

My Album: Yo Soy La Chocha …

I am updating my profile. Blogger randomly generates a quirky question each time you save changes to your profile. My question requires me to be a musician: You’ve broken up with your old band and are about to release your first solo album. What would you write in the liner notes?

I try to type the answer in the little box they’ve provided, but I’m limited to 150 characters. So, instead of posting it there, I’m posting it here. Here we go … Pretend that my album, Yo Soy La Chocha De Tu Madre, is just about to drop …

Yo Soy La Chocha De Tu Madre

Track 1. Emancipation of Stolie
Track 2. I Love Double Burgers
Track 3. A Girl and Her Blog
Track 4. F – - k Me Paul Walker
Track 5. Feel Good, Come to Mama
Track 6. Single. Sexy. 30-Something.
Track 7. I Shot 50 Cent
Track 8. Women Can Be Misogynists Too
Track 9. H-O-T-T-I-E-E-E featuring Lenny Kravitz
Track 10. The Soul of a Woman
Track 11. You Make Me Believe in Blondes
Track 12. My Kind of Hometown: Chicago
*Bonus Track* I Love Double Burgers. 2 Patties. (The Remix)

Thanks … Thanks be to God above for inspiring me to leave that deadweight of a band behind. This diva was born to be on stage. Alone.Sophie, baby, I love you! I have the best family in the world. Jimmy, take care of her or I’ll kick your ass. To my two darling nephews: I’m putting aside a little bit of the money that I generate from album sells. After I take my trips around the world, buy an apartment in Manhattan and a summer home in South America — I am paying your college tuition, sweeties.

I have nothing but love in my heart for Michael Ealy, Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs and a bunch of other fine brothers. David Beckham, Paul Walker, and Jason Lewis — you inspired the song “You Make Me Believe in Blondes”.

Sending a shout out to the Stolie Nation and all of my favorite bloggers. You know who you are.

Mags, Bro, Pegs and Maria. I love you guys.

To everyone at Roc-A-Fella Records, thank you for supporting my work. When I showed other record labels my demo tape, they shuddered in fear. They refused to release my album because of the track “I Shot 50 Cent.” But, you held your ground. For that, I am indebted to you. Don’t worry. He’s not going to kill you. Or me. God bless.

February 21st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown