Netflix. Ford Motor Company. PR Newswire. GQ. Several companies offer to partner or share info with me so I’ll write about their products on FUNKY BROWN CHICK®. Usually, I say no.When I say yes — as is the case with the companies I just listed — my guiding principles are:

1. Full Disclosure. I’ll explicitly say something like ‘I was asked to write about this’ so you’ll know it wasn’t my brainchild; someone else pitched me the idea.
2. Integrity. I only write about stuff that, had I known about it without being pitched, I would’ve already written about it anyway.

Remember Netflix Greatest Kiss Challenge? I ADORE movies — especially romantic comedies. So, when they told me about a contest that would let you guys “recreate” your favorite film kiss, upload it to Netflix’s YouTube channel and win a trip, OF COURSE I wrote about it. Having recently cleared my inbox and screened a bunch of pitches, here are few things that might be interest you. (No, I am not being paid to promote this stuff.)

• CAN I GET A MAN WITH THAT? lets you share “hilarious, embarrassing or downright shameful dating stories.” I write about my personal life online because it’s cathartic to confess stories to others who can relate. If you have a dating story to get off your chest, submit it to their site. “EVERY chick (brown or otherwise) has a story to tell,” they told me. “You can dish tales of revenge, wild hookups and dating disasters or read stories from other women who share your relationship woes.”
• Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk looks like an interesting book. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ll let you know if I do.
• The Greene Space at WNYC brings you “The Sound of Young America” hosted by Jesse Thorn, features Amy Sedaris, John Hodgman, Judah Friedlander, Baratunde Thurston, and Les Savy Fav. Watch live video if you can’t make the show.
• Men’s Health says 24% of Facebook-flirters use the social network to flirt with someone other than their current partner. Read the full survey.
• winkVID. I knew nothing about this site other than what appears online: “Meet singles via live-video speed-dating events.” Sounds like Chat Roulette meets Match.com. Because they’re based in my native Illinois, I hope their business does well. I checked in with one of their cofounders, Jake, and asked why anyone should use their site. “If you’re tired of the bs of typical profile-based dating sites,” he assured me, “WinkVid is a fresh alternative you’ll love.” If any of you guys try winkVID, tell me what you think.

As I mentioned on my Facebook, yesterday at different events, I met two FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers. Ruth says she reads on a regular basis, but she never comments; Jocelyn commented for the first time that morning and we randomly bumped into each other that night. I usually average 2,000 – 3,000 unique visitors per day. Not to go all stalkery on your asses, but I know you’re here because I can “see” how many people are on my site via analytics. I love love LOVE: my regular commenters, those of you who only speak up occasionally, and the folks who drop by regularly but never say a word. Who are you?!?! :) And — more importantly — why are you so shy, my darlings?

Periodically, I like to shake tree branches and kick bushes to see who’s lurking in the background. Can you do me a favor? Whether this is your first time visiting here or your 100th, leave a comment. Say hello, and tell me where you are at this very moment. Here, I’ll start. “Hi, cuties! Greetings from New York.” Seeee, that wasn’t so bad, was it? ;) Now, it’s your turn. We’re waiting.

First, for the free giveaway, I asked you: “Tell me how you found my site and what, if anything, you’ve taken away from it regarding black women, sexuality, living as a freelance writer, dating in New York or anything else. In short, why do YOU get down with the Funky Brown?” I promised to randomly select five FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers from the comments section. Drum roll, please … The big winners are: Erica, Clara, Puma73, Ruth and Susie Kline. The latter, Susie, says: “I think it’s important for women of all ages to embrace their sexuality and to realize what a joy it can be. Young, old, single, involved … no one should ignore such an important piece of themselves!” Very well said, and ditto for men’s sexual health. Congrats Erica, Clara, Puma73, Ruth and Susie! You should each receive your free EdenFantasys swag bags shortly.

I read all the comments on the free giveaway post (as I do with every post). Carrie, a black woman from Texas who now lives in England said, said my writings about sex makes the topic a “normal” one that should be discussed. “The world needs to see more of it going on, not just in the black community but all the others that are shy about it!” Mydria wrote, “A lot of the topics you write about are so relevant for me, especially when it comes to my sexuality as a Black woman. You’ve made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.” Courtney said, “[I] like that your blog, while it centralizes black female sexuality, is also multi-cultural and does is not limited to one specific type of sexuality or gender.” I’m very proud that lovely people of all genders, sexes and race/ethnicities get down with the Funky Brown. Matthew — who is a friend and all-around kickass peach-skinned person — wrote: “I think of Funky Brown primarily as a personality (vivacious, positive, energetic, exploratory); then to the physical attributes; a woman; then black (I don’t know or her descent, just color and that color contains many continents); then height, weight, age range; and finally sexuality – straight (to be discussed). What I’ve taken away from this blog is, while cultural differences and their ideology/perspectives may differ – emotions and mannerisms (reactions) are strikingly similar; THAT is what connects us as humans [...]”

On a personal note, I have a personal request from everyone reading these words. Samhita Mukhopadhyay, Deanna Zandt, Lynne d Johnson and I have a proposal on SXSW’s panel picker. Here’s what’s going on … SXSW gives the community a voice in selecting programming for their Interactive festival taking place March 11 – 15, 2011 in Austin, TX. I think that’s a great idea! We’d like to present “People Power: Leveraging Personal Stories to Build Influence,” and we need your votes. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

Stories can build audiences, grow support for campaigns and change mainstream ideas about social issues. They can also alienate various communities, compromise business information confidentiality or damage brands. If social media has shown us anything, it’s that stories still matter. This panel will be a concrete conversation on how successful online personalities have managed their personal and professional lives using social media: telling authentic stories about our experiences, and using those stories to build powerful, engaged communities.

If you think this idea/panel has value, please vote for us! Here’s the link: http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/ideas/view/7037. Once you’ve given it a thumbs up, a small bar on the site’s top may alert you to register if you haven’t already. Fret not. It’s painless, and they won’t spam you a bunch of email to punish you for participating. Deadline: Voting ends 11:59 CDT this Friday, August 27. Many thanks for your support!

Still fatigued from a very stuffed weekend. I spoke at the Blogher 2010 conference, moderating Bringing Sex out of the Closet, about getting laid and getting smart about sexuality. The room was packed, and I was really pleased with the turn out! Genia Stevens told the audience about being an out, black lesbian in a small town. When someone asked, “How do you balance relationships without losing (friendships and partners you’re writing about)?” Mominatrix Kristen Chase spoke honestly about how she thinks long and hard before writing about having sex with her husband. Tess — a wife and mother of a teenage daughter — took a question about young adult resources like Scarleteen. AV Flox described discovering BDSM ages ago when she was surprised to find kinky communities online. I covered black women, sex politics and other ground regarding getting sex “out there.”

If you couldn’t make it to the session, I still want to get the information to you. Full audio will be available on iTunes later. Also, I’ve got FIVE (5!!!) free EdenFantasys canvas swag bags to give away to FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers. Eden’s “Play Safe, Shop Safe” pamphlet tells you what’s what when it comes to sex toy materials. It’s in the bag. Great for men or women, the tote also includes lube, a glass sex toy other goodies as well as copies of Sexis and BUST magazines — the latter has a sneak peek at Kristen Schaal’s The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex.

Here’s how to get the free swag …. At the conference, someone asked me something along the lines of: “How do you think your site has broken stereotypes about sexuality and African-American women?” All kinds of people get down with the Funky Brown — white men, Latino women, Asian couples, black men & women, gays & lesbians who like vanilla sex, straight people, mommies, single people, hot gay men, lesbians, combinations thereof and a bunch of really other lovely people. To enter to win the free gift bag, please use the comment section to let me know how you found my site and what, if anything, you’ve taken away from it regarding black women, sexuality, living as a freelance writer, dating in New York or anything else. In short, why do YOU get down with the Funky Brown? I’ll select 5 random people — in New York or elsewhere, doesn’t matter — who will each receive the EdenFantasys-provided gift bag, and I’ll announce winners FRIDAY.

The caramel-skinned black woman had thick, neatly-styled dark hair that stretched to her shoulders. She was pretty. Yesterday afternoon, I saw her in Midtown Manhattan at the Barnes & Noble on 54th Street and Third Avenue. Hunched over a small cafe table with a medium-sized cardboard cup of peppermint tea, lined note pad and books spread in front of me, I was working.

“Are you Twanna?” she asked.

Embarrassed I couldn’t place her face, I froze. Did she work in media? Had I met her at a New York industry-event? Looking at her sceptically, I hesitated a soft, “Yes.”

“Oh, okay, I thought I recognized you.” She began slowly backing away, and I got the impression she didn’t want to intrude. She quickly added, “I read your blog … Just wanted to say I love it.”

Smiling, my face’s wattage shown brightly. I love it when I meet Funky Brown Chick readers. As I told the pretty brown girl, I don’t aggressively shove my site in anyone’s face. I create content. If you find my writing and you like what you read, that makes me happy. Ever the chatty Midwesterner, I told her I was in Barnes & Noble because one of my writing mentors told me I should check out other memoirists’ books. (“Read what you write.”) I also told the woman I hadn’t updated my site in over a week because I’d been busy writing my book.

“I grossly underestimated how much time editing takes. I have 302 pages written. So, technically, it’s done. But, I’m re-working it to get it in better shape.”

The pretty lady and I continued talking for a few minutes. She told me she found my blog because one of her exes, a short white dude, told her she should read it. I thought that was cute and sweet.

“You know,” I confessed, “I’m weird because, now, I totally feel guilty about not updating my site. I think I’m gonna write about you. Seriously, I’m really grateful for my readers and I feel bad I’ve neglected the site for this long.” I thanked her again and said something about keeping in touch.

Before exiting the bookstore’s cafe, she mentioned, “I’ll email you.”

I reached to fetch a business card out of my purse. “You know how to contact me?”

Smiling, she paused to let the obvious sink in.

“Oh,” I fumbled words, “yeah, I guess that makes sense. Of course you know where to find me.”

She laughed.

* * *

Apologies for the post-free days. I’m a one-woman show, balancing a very full plate. I’ve been buried in editing hell for the past week or so and, in two days, I’m jetting out of New York to speak at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin, TX. So, just a quick update to say THANK YOU, as always, to everyone who reads my site. I’ll be back to posting more regularly very very soon.

What a lovely time for a Reader Appreciation Day. Just a quick note to say congratulations to Pamela, winner of the Love Kit. :) In case you wondered how the winner was selected, I took the total number of entries on Twitter and www.funkybrownchick.com and added the digits together. For example, if eleven (11) people entered … 1 + 1 = 2, I would’ve awarded the prize to the second entry. If 15 people entered … 1 + 5 = 6, so the sixth entry would’ve won. And, so on. I wanted a fair way to generate a random winner, and that seemed easy enough.

For Valentine’s Day, Pamela says she might have dinner with friends or enjoy solo time with “wine, salmon, and a long Lush bath.” (Sounds fun!) As the winner, she’ll likely receive lip balm, Whitney Casey’s 256-page guide The Man Plan, chocolates, a Match.com membership discount coupon, a manicure set, a free 30-day online movie rental subscription and other stuff. Huge THANK YOUs to the lovely folks at Match.com for getting down with the Funky Brown by hooking up an FBC reader with a love kit!

Just wanted to say a quick “THANK YOU” for the supportive comments and feedback you’ve given about my Matchmaker session. Seriously, Funky Brown Chick has the best readers on the internet. You recently left fun, kind and encouraging comments on the blog and on my Facebook. If you’ve seen that classic Drew Barrymore romantic comedy Never Been Kissed, I feel like I’m at the end of the movie where there’s a big stadium of people cheering for me, hoping the cute guy shows up (courtesy of my matchmaker, of course).

By the way, speaking of kind words here and on Facebook, huge shout out to Funky Brown Chick readers in Australia!!!! Half dozen Aussies commented on a Facebook note I wrote about them. Great people. I’ve gotta go down under for a visit some day — especially that town called “Manly.” Sounds fun ;) I’m curious about the rest of you. If you’re not from Australia (or even if you are), please leave a comment in the section below to let me know where you are right now. As an added incentive, I’ll send a free Funky Brown Chick mug to a randomly selected person from today’s comments section. I’ll even cover it with a kiss or two before dropping it in the mail. Consider it a “Reader Appreciation” gift from me to you. By the way, this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for lurkers to dip their toes in the public comments section. No need to say much. Just a quick comment that says: “Hi from ___.” It’s always exciting to discover Funky Brown Chick readers live in Branson, Missouri; Roanoke, Virginia; Yucaipa, California and destinations outside the U.S. So, come on, why are you waiting? Your fingers are aching for you to type “hi” and, possibly, get a free coffee mug. Ready. Set. Go.

Ooooh, you guys went easy on me. ;) Last week, I gave you the chance to ask me anything and I promised I’d answer all questions. Time’s up. Questions have been posted. My answers are below.

Kevin Styles asked, “How many people (men and women) have you had sex with?”

In college and grad school, I used to lie and say “I’ve only slept with four guys” because it seemed like a wholesome answer. I look at it differently now. Take a 40-year-old man who became sexually active at 15. Even if he was serially monogamous and only had one serious girlfriend (with sex) every year, he would’ve slept with 25 women by now. I’m not a man, nor am I 40 nor have I slept with 25 people.

So, now, I always answer the “how many people have you slept with” question with another question: Why does it matter? If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m a slut, the # of people I’ve slept with won’t give that away because, quite frankly, I think the term slut is bullshit. If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m safe / disease free, a better question might be: “With how many of your coke-addicted friends have you shared needles?” I don’t do coke. But, it’s interesting the “How many people have you fucked?” question starts with the assumption that sex is more common and/or “dirtier” than drugs.

Baba Doodlius asked, “Here’s one: What’s a nice girl like you doing in an internet like this?”

I made my first webpage (100% HTML hand-coded and uploaded using only MS Notepad and an FTP program) in 1995. I’ve been addicted to the internet ever since. So, yeah, I’m online because I’m a geek.  ;)  Hell, I was in Math Club in high school for crying out loud. I think I was one of very few — if not the only one — who wore a cheerleading skirt in Calculus class.

lamesabassman asked, “Salma Hayek…… or … Hallie Berry….. or Drew Barrymore….. or Pam G.”

I think they’re all good actors.

dkzone asked, “Ever fool around with another chick? If so, would you do it again?”

I had a threesome almost exactly a year ago: 2 girls and 1 guy. I’d do it again under different circumstances / with a different guy.

Alex asked, “I love your site Twanna but….. in this post “greatful”should be grateful no?”

Yep. Thanks for catching the typo. :) I usually write my posts at the ass crack of dawn and/or during late nights. Grammar flubs happen. Through out the day, I catch typos, missing words, etc. and I correct them. Sometimes you guys catch it before I do.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “How did you find the opportunities to work/live abroad? (I read your 101 things)”

Before I moved to New York and became a writer, I worked in international affairs. I did my BS and MA degrees in sociology, and I wrote my thesis paper on immigration in Europe. I speak Dutch fluently as well as a bit of French and Italian. My advice would be to learn as many languages as you can, and the opportunities will follow. Or, you might already know languages. Or, you can always go to Australia, England, Ireland or another place where you’ll be fine with English. :) The Department of Defense schools offer teaching jobs across the globe. One friend is teaching in London, and I have another in Indonesia and yet another in China. Additionally, the French and Spanish governments (and others) offer Americans who speak the language teaching opportunities in their countries. Peace Corps is another option. Also, tons of independent organizations offer work abroad and volunteer abroad opportunities.

dkzone asked, “Which would you choose: fantastic relationship, but mediocre sex…. or fantastic sex, but mediocre relationship?”

Fantastic relationship with mediocre sex. You can always help make the boinking better. But, you can’t “work on” a person to change them into someone they aren’t. By the way, if you missed them, you might be interested in these FBC posts: Is Good Sex a Basic Human Need? and Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “Being someone who relocated to NY from somewhere else (like myself) how did you make friends? And where is your favorite place in NY to hang out?”

GREAT question! (Friends who’ve relocated often ask me this.) I move around a lot, so I’m kind of used to starting fresh and meeting new people. The easiest way to do it is do stuff you like doing. Sports? Join a non-professional team in your city. Reading? Join a book club. Movies? Join a film center. Speak Dutch and like to make out with tall, gorgeous Dutch boys? Go to NLBorrels. Oh, wait, shit. That last one was for me. ;) But, um, yeah, getting back to the question … Once you’ve met new people, you’ll have to keep doing it for a while. You won’t like some of them. Others might move away and/or not like you. It’s an ongoing process. By the way, I soooo can’t speak highly enough about Meetup.com. It’s a great way to meet people when you’re new to a city. And, you asked, Where are my favorite NYC place to hang out? At the moment, my apartment. I love my place. Other than that … Essex for brunch, MoMA for art, IFC Center for film, Central Park for running, etc.

dkzone asked, “Also have the items in your kitchen solely been used for cooking purposes?”

Nope. :) I keep my hammer, measuring tape, power drill, nails and other hardware goods in a kitchen drawer near my refrigerator. I don’t use those items to cook, but I’ve used them to hang paintings on my wall and affix coat hooks to the back of my door. :)

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “If you’re in a relationship with someone and you know that love them and are sexually attracted to them but have a hard time actually having sex with them, what do you think that means?”

Couple things. If the sex has always been mediocre, it means the two people aren’t communicating. The best way to make “okay” sex “great” sex is to talk about it — what works, what doesn’t work, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what could be different, etc. If the sex was good but now it’s not, something’s changed. Maybe one person doesn’t feel emotionally close to the other anymore. Maybe one partner has gained weight and doesn’t feel comfortable in their body anymore. Could be anything. In any case, it gets better with communication. If one or both partners aren’t able to talk about it, I’d suggest therapy. I love therapy.

Mindspin asked, “What’s the sexiest thing in your underwear drawer?”

Lately, I like this pink and black ribbon chemise by Rampage best.

Baba Doodlius asked, “How about: Do gerbils cower in fear at your approach, like they do for Richard Gere?”

I only like animals when I’m eating them. Speaking of which …

Baba Doodlius asked, “Breakfast – bacon and eggs or pancakes and sausage?”

I usually prefer steak & eggs for breakfast. Egg whites only. Multi-grain toast. And at least 2 or 3 mimosas.

——————
Image by Tory Byrne

One of the questions on my FAQ page (I know, I know … no one ever reads that stuff) is: “What is a sexpot?” Interestingly, I get asked this quite a bit. I also get asked: “Why don’t you call yourself a dating expert?” Good question. The answers to these any other exciting questions are on the FAQ, too!! :) I’ve been writing about my life online for so long that I often forget new people stumble upon Funky Brown Chick each day. They don’t know much about me, and this site could feel like stumbling into the middle of a conversation. If that sounds familiar, this post is sooo written for you my dear. “Ask Me Anything You Want!” post. If you’re interested in other random stuff about me, read the about page or check out 101 Things That Are Totally Twanna. I also have an online writing profile at www.twannahines.com. If there’s anything else you’d like to know about me that isn’t covered on those pages (i.e. “When’s the last time you had sex?,” “How’s JDate working out for you?,” “Do you sleep with men on the first date?” or anything else, feel free to ask your question via the comments section below. I’m not shy and I’m grateful that you read my site. So, if there’s anything you want to know about me; just ask. I’m not shy, and I’ll answer pretty much anything. So, here’s your chance. Go ahead, ask away …

Before I sat down to write the “How to Date Black Chicks” post, I scanned through new(ish) comments left on old(er) posts. SIDE NOTE: I’ve considered removing the date and timestamps from all my posts because the conversation often continues days, weeks or even years after I publish them. This, of course, is welcome. I read all comments — regardless when they’re left. Anyway, so, in January of this year, I wrote a post called “Is Marriage Worth It? I Say No.” Today, I read this new comment by a guy named Greg:

I returned this evening from dinner with a good friend. We are both in unsatisfying marriages and asked ourselves the same question. Amazing that I literally stumbled into your post after returning home.

I didn’t come up with a good answer when talking it over with my friend. I doubt I could come up with one now. All I know is that I have the choice to end it but, for some reason, I stay.

Perhaps the reason why has something to do with my parents’ marriage. For most of their 40-some years together, my parents cobbled together a relationship fractured by bitter fights, alcohol, financial troubles, infidelity and more. Some of those years, they barely spoke to each other. When they did, they occasionally discussed ending their marriage. But, they didn’t.

As life went on, they began to mellow. The struggles of all those years seemed to smooth their rough, unformed edges and polish their souls. In the end, they seemed to see something of the best of each other reflected back. It wasn’t passion so much as it was truth — the truth that, no matter how ugly things can get in a human life, the capacity to forgive and be forgiven will eventually bring out things far more beautiful than we imagine possible within ourselves. They were devoted to each other in those final years.

My parents passed away within 6 months of each other. My father was first to receive a diagnosis of terminal cancer. Distraught, my mother preceded him in death by dying suddenly four weeks after they were informed of his condition.

Were the last years of their life together worth the hard decades that preceded them? Could they have been happier if they had made different choices, perhaps avoiding marriage altogether? Could they have made something more of their lives? Perhaps. But the same could be said of any life. As one singer noted, “a thousand futures pass away with every choice we make.”

Instead, they stared down the stark consequences of the choice they made and the individuals they were. And, step by bitter step, they fought, forgave and forged on until, perhaps not even expecting it themselves, they became the people they aspired to be from the start — beautiful in each other’s eyes.

I don’t know if the same will happen in my marriage. The dynamic is different. We’re different people. Hanging around funky brown chicks may do wonders for me. My wife would probably see it differently.

Still, thanks for the question! And, thanks for a great blog filled with honesty and openness. I stumbled on you in a Twitter trend on as I fooling around with a new cell phone. One thing led to another…

Absolutely. Beautiful.

People who know me well know I’ve had waaaay too many hurtful experiences to pretend the world is perfect and/or relationships are always pretty. So, I’m usually drawn to the brutally honest, really deep and incredibly touching things some of you share about your personal lives. I know a lot of you disagree with some of the stuff I say (i.e. my ideas about marriage & kids … oh, and, yeah, I figured some readers would find yesterday’s How to Date a White Guy post a bit less “funny” than others) — but I’m okay with that. The world’s most interesting when people respectfully disagree.

I’ve said it too many times to count, but the comments section is one of my favorite things about this site. So, whatever, just a quick message to say THANK YOU for reading and sometimes commenting. File this one under Reader Appreciation.