“Are you Twanna?” she asked.

Embarrassed I couldn’t place her face, I froze. Did she work in media? Had I met her at a New York industry-event? Looking at her sceptically, I hesitated a soft, “Yes.”

“Oh, okay, I thought I recognized you.” She began slowly backing away, and I got the impression she didn’t want to intrude. She quickly added, “I read your blog … Just wanted to say I love it.”

Smiling, my face’s wattage shown brightly. I love it when I meet Funky Brown Chick readers. As I told the pretty brown girl, I don’t aggressively shove my site in anyone’s face. I create content. If you find my writing and you like what you read, that makes me happy. Ever the chatty Midwesterner, I told her I was in Barnes & Noble because one of my writing mentors told me I should check out other memoirists’ books. (”Read what you write.”) I also told the woman I hadn’t updated my site in over a week because I’d been busy writing my book.

“I grossly underestimated how much time editing takes. I have 302 pages written. So, technically, it’s done. But, I’m re-working it to get it in better shape.”

The pretty lady and I continued talking for a few minutes. She told me she found my blog because one of her exes, a short white dude, told her she should read it. I thought that was cute and sweet.

“You know,” I confessed, “I’m weird because, now, I totally feel guilty about not updating my site. I think I’m gonna write about you. Seriously, I’m really grateful for my readers and I feel bad I’ve neglected the site for this long.” I thanked her again and said something about keeping in touch.

Before exiting the bookstore’s cafe, she mentioned, “I’ll email you.”

I reached to fetch a business card out of my purse. “You know how to contact me?”

Smiling, she paused to let the obvious sink in.

“Oh,” I fumbled words, “yeah, I guess that makes sense. Of course you know where to find me.”

She laughed.

* * *

Apologies for the post-free days. I’m a one-woman show, balancing a very full plate. I’ve been buried in editing hell for the past week or so and, in two days, I’m jetting out of New York to speak at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin, TX. So, just a quick update to say THANK YOU, as always, to everyone who reads my site. I’ll be back to posting more regularly very very soon.

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Act II, Scene 5: Guilted into Updating Funky Brown Chick

What a lovely time for a Reader Appreciation Day. Just a quick note to say congratulations to Pamela, winner of the Love Kit. :) In case you wondered how the winner was selected, I took the total number of entries on Twitter and www.funkybrownchick.com and added the digits together. For example, if eleven (11) people entered … 1 + 1 = 2, I would’ve awarded the prize to the second entry. If 15 people entered … 1 + 5 = 6, so the sixth entry would’ve won. And, so on. I wanted a fair way to generate a random winner, and that seemed easy enough.

For Valentine’s Day, Pamela says she might have dinner with friends or enjoy solo time with “wine, salmon, and a long Lush bath.” (Sounds fun!) As the winner, she’ll likely receive lip balm, Whitney Casey’s 256-page guide The Man Plan, chocolates, a Match.com membership discount coupon, a manicure set, a free 30-day online movie rental subscription and other stuff. Huge THANK YOUs to the lovely folks at Match.com for getting down with the Funky Brown by hooking up an FBC reader with a love kit!

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Winner: Funky Brown Chick Reader PAMELA

By the way, speaking of kind words here and on Facebook, huge shout out to Funky Brown Chick readers in Australia!!!! Half dozen Aussies commented on a Facebook note I wrote about them. Great people. I’ve gotta go down under for a visit some day — especially that town called “Manly.” Sounds fun ;) I’m curious about the rest of you. If you’re not from Australia (or even if you are), please leave a comment in the section below to let me know where you are right now. As an added incentive, I’ll send a free Funky Brown Chick mug to a randomly selected person from today’s comments section. I’ll even cover it with a kiss or two before dropping it in the mail. Consider it a “Reader Appreciation” gift from me to you. By the way, this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for lurkers to dip their toes in the public comments section. No need to say much. Just a quick comment that says: “Hi from ___.” It’s always exciting to discover Funky Brown Chick readers live in Branson, Missouri; Roanoke, Virginia; Yucaipa, California and destinations outside the U.S. So, come on, why are you waiting? Your fingers are aching for you to type “hi” and, possibly, get a free coffee mug. Ready. Set. Go.

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I’m Giving Away Free Kisses & A Mug

Kevin Styles asked, “How many people (men and women) have you had sex with?”

In college and grad school, I used to lie and say “I’ve only slept with four guys” because it seemed like a wholesome answer. I look at it differently now. Take a 40-year-old man who became sexually active at 15. Even if he was serially monogamous and only had one serious girlfriend (with sex) every year, he would’ve slept with 25 women by now. I’m not a man, nor am I 40 nor have I slept with 25 people.

So, now, I always answer the “how many people have you slept with” question with another question: Why does it matter? If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m a slut, the # of people I’ve slept with won’t give that away because, quite frankly, I think the term slut is bullshit. If the goal is to find out whether or not I’m safe / disease free, a better question might be: “With how many of your coke-addicted friends have you shared needles?” I don’t do coke. But, it’s interesting the “How many people have you fucked?” question starts with the assumption that sex is more common and/or “dirtier” than drugs.

Baba Doodlius asked, “Here’s one: What’s a nice girl like you doing in an internet like this?”

I made my first webpage (100% HTML hand-coded and uploaded using only MS Notepad and an FTP program) in 1995. I’ve been addicted to the internet ever since. So, yeah, I’m online because I’m a geek.  ;)  Hell, I was in Math Club in high school for crying out loud. I think I was one of very few — if not the only one — who wore a cheerleading skirt in Calculus class.

lamesabassman asked, “Salma Hayek…… or … Hallie Berry….. or Drew Barrymore….. or Pam G.”

I think they’re all good actors.

dkzone asked, “Ever fool around with another chick? If so, would you do it again?”

I had a threesome almost exactly a year ago: 2 girls and 1 guy. I’d do it again under different circumstances / with a different guy.

Alex asked, “I love your site Twanna but….. in this post “greatful”should be grateful no?”

Yep. Thanks for catching the typo. :) I usually write my posts at the ass crack of dawn and/or during late nights. Grammar flubs happen. Through out the day, I catch typos, missing words, etc. and I correct them. Sometimes you guys catch it before I do.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “How did you find the opportunities to work/live abroad? (I read your 101 things)”

Before I moved to New York and became a writer, I worked in international affairs. I did my BS and MA degrees in sociology, and I wrote my thesis paper on immigration in Europe. I speak Dutch fluently as well as a bit of French and Italian. My advice would be to learn as many languages as you can, and the opportunities will follow. Or, you might already know languages. Or, you can always go to Australia, England, Ireland or another place where you’ll be fine with English. :) The Department of Defense schools offer teaching jobs across the globe. One friend is teaching in London, and I have another in Indonesia and yet another in China. Additionally, the French and Spanish governments (and others) offer Americans who speak the language teaching opportunities in their countries. Peace Corps is another option. Also, tons of independent organizations offer work abroad and volunteer abroad opportunities.

dkzone asked, “Which would you choose: fantastic relationship, but mediocre sex…. or fantastic sex, but mediocre relationship?”

Fantastic relationship with mediocre sex. You can always help make the boinking better. But, you can’t “work on” a person to change them into someone they aren’t. By the way, if you missed them, you might be interested in these FBC posts: Is Good Sex a Basic Human Need? and Bad Sex with Others or Good Sex Alone?.

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “Being someone who relocated to NY from somewhere else (like myself) how did you make friends? And where is your favorite place in NY to hang out?”

GREAT question! (Friends who’ve relocated often ask me this.) I move around a lot, so I’m kind of used to starting fresh and meeting new people. The easiest way to do it is do stuff you like doing. Sports? Join a non-professional team in your city. Reading? Join a book club. Movies? Join a film center. Speak Dutch and like to make out with tall, gorgeous Dutch boys? Go to NLBorrels. Oh, wait, shit. That last one was for me. ;) But, um, yeah, getting back to the question … Once you’ve met new people, you’ll have to keep doing it for a while. You won’t like some of them. Others might move away and/or not like you. It’s an ongoing process. By the way, I soooo can’t speak highly enough about Meetup.com. It’s a great way to meet people when you’re new to a city. And, you asked, Where are my favorite NYC place to hang out? At the moment, my apartment. I love my place. Other than that … Essex for brunch, MoMA for art, IFC Center for film, Central Park for running, etc.

dkzone asked, “Also have the items in your kitchen solely been used for cooking purposes?”

Nope. :) I keep my hammer, measuring tape, power drill, nails and other hardware goods in a kitchen drawer near my refrigerator. I don’t use those items to cook, but I’ve used them to hang paintings on my wall and affix coat hooks to the back of my door. :)

@brainsnbeauty2 asked, “If you’re in a relationship with someone and you know that love them and are sexually attracted to them but have a hard time actually having sex with them, what do you think that means?”

Couple things. If the sex has always been mediocre, it means the two people aren’t communicating. The best way to make “okay” sex “great” sex is to talk about it — what works, what doesn’t work, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what could be different, etc. If the sex was good but now it’s not, something’s changed. Maybe one person doesn’t feel emotionally close to the other anymore. Maybe one partner has gained weight and doesn’t feel comfortable in their body anymore. Could be anything. In any case, it gets better with communication. If one or both partners aren’t able to talk about it, I’d suggest therapy. I love therapy.

Mindspin asked, “What’s the sexiest thing in your underwear drawer?”

Lately, I like this pink and black ribbon chemise by Rampage best.

Baba Doodlius asked, “How about: Do gerbils cower in fear at your approach, like they do for Richard Gere?”

I only like animals when I’m eating them. Speaking of which …

Baba Doodlius asked, “Breakfast – bacon and eggs or pancakes and sausage?”

I usually prefer steak & eggs for breakfast. Egg whites only. Multi-grain toast. And at least 2 or 3 mimosas.

——————
Image by Tory Byrne

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“How Many People Have You Slept With?”

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What Is a Sexpot (and Other Sex Questions)

I returned this evening from dinner with a good friend. We are both in unsatisfying marriages and asked ourselves the same question. Amazing that I literally stumbled into your post after returning home.

I didn’t come up with a good answer when talking it over with my friend. I doubt I could come up with one now. All I know is that I have the choice to end it but, for some reason, I stay.

Perhaps the reason why has something to do with my parents’ marriage. For most of their 40-some years together, my parents cobbled together a relationship fractured by bitter fights, alcohol, financial troubles, infidelity and more. Some of those years, they barely spoke to each other. When they did, they occasionally discussed ending their marriage. But, they didn’t.

As life went on, they began to mellow. The struggles of all those years seemed to smooth their rough, unformed edges and polish their souls. In the end, they seemed to see something of the best of each other reflected back. It wasn’t passion so much as it was truth — the truth that, no matter how ugly things can get in a human life, the capacity to forgive and be forgiven will eventually bring out things far more beautiful than we imagine possible within ourselves. They were devoted to each other in those final years.

My parents passed away within 6 months of each other. My father was first to receive a diagnosis of terminal cancer. Distraught, my mother preceded him in death by dying suddenly four weeks after they were informed of his condition.

Were the last years of their life together worth the hard decades that preceded them? Could they have been happier if they had made different choices, perhaps avoiding marriage altogether? Could they have made something more of their lives? Perhaps. But the same could be said of any life. As one singer noted, “a thousand futures pass away with every choice we make.”

Instead, they stared down the stark consequences of the choice they made and the individuals they were. And, step by bitter step, they fought, forgave and forged on until, perhaps not even expecting it themselves, they became the people they aspired to be from the start — beautiful in each other’s eyes.

I don’t know if the same will happen in my marriage. The dynamic is different. We’re different people. Hanging around funky brown chicks may do wonders for me. My wife would probably see it differently.

Still, thanks for the question! And, thanks for a great blog filled with honesty and openness. I stumbled on you in a Twitter trend on as I fooling around with a new cell phone. One thing led to another…

Absolutely. Beautiful.

People who know me well know I’ve had waaaay too many hurtful experiences to pretend the world is perfect and/or relationships are always pretty. So, I’m usually drawn to the brutally honest, really deep and incredibly touching things some of you share about your personal lives. I know a lot of you disagree with some of the stuff I say (i.e. my ideas about marriage & kids … oh, and, yeah, I figured some readers would find yesterday’s How to Date a White Guy post a bit less “funny” than others) — but I’m okay with that. The world’s most interesting when people respectfully disagree.

I’ve said it too many times to count, but the comments section is one of my favorite things about this site. So, whatever, just a quick message to say THANK YOU for reading and sometimes commenting. File this one under Reader Appreciation.

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You’re Beautiful Because You Admit You’re Not Perfect

1. Visit the contest site.
2. Scroll down the page and click on the images to see larger versions.
3. Leave your thoughts in the comments section here on www.funkybrownchick.com.

Again, the competition ends TOMORROW, so share your thoughts sooner rather than later. By the way, if you’re a lurker on this site, today’s a brilliant day to delurk yourself. All you have to do is say: “My vote is for #__ and #__, but I don’t like #__.” Or something like that. Got it? Send your thoughts in!

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Sexiest Logo Contest, $150 Prize!

Random “Top 5″ List of Funky Brown Chick Reader Faves (based on my site’s stats, in no particular order):

1. Photos of the Brown-Skinned, Brown-Eyed Girl is your favorite static page on this site. More of you look at that page than you do my “About” page.) You don’t like my words, you just like my face!! Y’all are some superficial folks!! ;) To each his own; no judgments here. If you want to see more of my pics, check out my Flickr account. You can subscribe to my Flickr feed to get auto-alerts when I post new stuff there. (Of course, you can also subscribe to my blog too.)

2. Did you know I file all Funky Brown Chick posts under subcategories like Dating and Mating, Culture (Pop & Otherwise), Reader Appreciation Day, Sadness and Paul Walker? (Pssst, if you read my FAQ, you already know why Paulie gets his own category.) Interestingly, your favorite post in the BoyStories category is Le Matin après le Ménage à trois.

3. Your favorite post from the past 30 days is Are White Men Who Like Black Women More Attractive?

4. Your favorite post from the past 60 days is Top 10: Movies with Older Women & Younger Men Couples.

5. Ooooh, here’s the part where I get lazy / cheeky / curious … Instead of telling you what your favorites are based on numbers, stats, page views and all that stuff, I’d wanna hear your thoughts. Please use the comments section to tell me what YOU like about this blog. Do you want me to cover a particular topic more / talk about something less? Wondering what my opinion is about something? You miss videos like that stuff I posted on YouTube? Here’s your chance to tell me what you want to see on this site. Ready. Set. Go have your voice heard by clicking the “comments” link below. Seriously, I wanna hear your thoughts.

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5 Things I’ve Learned About My Readers

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Cosmopolitan StarLaunch Rockstars

EMAIL #1: I LOVE BALLS

From: XXXX
Subject: I Like Your Website
To: funkybrownchick@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, August 3, 2008, 9:52 PM

Hi Twanna,

Something you wrote made me want to write to you. You have links to a couple of videos on testicular cancer self-exams and you wrote “I love balls.” I really liked this because it seems like whenever I hear a woman say anything about balls, nuts, testicles, or whatever one wants to call them, it’s a negative comment.

Balls don’t seem to play a real active role in the sex act, I know (it depends on how one does it, of course), they just sort of hang there or get swung around or back and forth, but without them, there would be no sex, and no sexual reproduction.

Please, please, please write more positive stuff about the testicles on your website.

Thanks,

XXXX

EMAIL #2 & 3: After Dating Online for Nearly I Decade, I’ve Learned …

To: Funky Brown Chick
From: XXXX
Date: Wed, Jan 16, 2008 at 6:02 PM
Subject: blog idea – what are your online dating rules?

Hi FBC,

Since u’r a old hand (read both FBC and Nerve), could you write about your do’s and dont’s of internet dating. I mean do you go through a long communicardo before meeting etc..? Do you go on instincts or do you have strict rules

XXXX

To: FUNKY BROWN CHICK
From: XXX
Date: Mon, Apr 28, 2008 at 5:07 PM
Subject: dear FBC

Hi!

I’m not sure you have the time to answer emails from your blog readers, but i decided to send one anyway :P

I’m XXXXXXX and I’ve been reading and commenting on you for a few months now. I’ve got a quick question for you: What do you really feel about meeting people through websites like nerve personals? Isn’t it weird?

I’ve just signed in to [an online dating site], and i immediately thought of you. You’re beautiful, smart and fun. Still, you’re willing to meet people online. I’m almost sure i would be mocked if anyone i know found out i put a profile on a meeting website. But i’m not ugly, i’m young, smart and fun, but i can’t seem to find any dates (let alone a boyfriend). So i’ve decided to act on it. But i wanted your advice as well.

kisses

XXXXXX

Email #4: How to Pick Up Black Chicks

From: XXXXXX
Date: Jan 27, 2008 4:56 PM
Subject: Press Release – New Book – “The White Man’s Guide To Dating Black Women”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

If you’re a White man interested in dating Black women, this book shows you how to make it happen. Learn how Black women think, what they like and don’t like to see in White men, and where and how to go about meeting them. Find out how to cope with public reaction to interracial couples, learn how to counteract the psychological inhibitions that can hold you back from getting involved and understand why those who oppose interracial relationships feel compelled to think and act the way they do. Find out what works and get involved.

Email #5: Let Me See Your Booty Go … That Thong, Thong, Thong, Thong, Thong!!

Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:42:57
From: XXXXXX
To: funkybrownchick@yahoo.com

Hi Twanna,

I stumbled on to your site quite by accident. I find it very entertaining, informative and a bloody good read. Both myself and my partner [redacted] are fans and have added you to our favorites list.

I believe that there are plenty of women who get well turned on by the sight of a “cute thonged up” male bum, butt, buns or whatever you want to call them but wouldn’t admit to it. My [redacted] definitely adores me in mine and buys them for me.

I’ve attached a pic (with [redacted]’s permission) for you. It would be nice to hear back from you but understand that you might be to busy.

Thank you for reading this and we will check out your site regularly.

All the best, cheers.

XXX (englishman living in XXXXX, XX)

There you have it folks! Now, what say you? Which should be tomorrow’s post? Would you rather hear about testicles or, perhaps, male thongs? BONUS: If I write about thongs, the dude gave me permisson to post the picture he attached to his email!!! Or, should I answer the two women and a bunch of others who’ve asked me to share my thoughts about online dating again? Or, would you rather hear my thoughts about interracial dating and the guy’s tips about picking up brown-skinned chicks. Ready. Set. Click the comments link and post your vote!!

——–
Photo credit: Sophie in Quebec uploaded the mailbox photo.

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I Answer Your Questions about Sex, Online Dating, Male Thongs & Black Women