Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

How NOT to Ask for Dating Advice

As many of you know, I post my email address and phone number online. My telephone number is for writing and appearance stuff related to print, online and TV. My email address is posted for readers. Yep, you guys. I really like hearing from you, and  I feel flattered when you take time out of your day to write to me. So, I try to respond to as many messages as possible — even if I can’t do it until many many weeks later. Most of your messages are like “I like your blog” or “I disagree with what your wrote” or “Hey, can you do a post about this” or “How do you get your hair to curl like that” or other random fun stuff. A few of the messages share really heartfelt and serious stories from your personal lives. Some emails are laugh out loud hilarious. Others are  … well, just, you know, a little bit strange.

Given the response to my HIV post, it seems fitting to write about the guy who claims a lying, thieving, phony, cheating female pastor gave him herpes. He starts his letter to me “Hey Tawana.” SIDENOTE … In college, I once asked a guy named Gebhardt Gurkewitz for a letter of recommendation, and I fucked up his name in the request. He told me, “If you’re going to ask someone to do something for you, the very least you can do is spell their name right.” He had a point. And, for the record, my name is spelled Twanna. (Like “I wanna” but with a “T.”) Moving right along … So, the reader’s email says he was accused of being an abuser by a woman who gave him herpes. He wants me to write details about said woman so he can shame her and get his side of the story out. Not a good idea. For “Mr. Herpes” and anyone else who has ever considered emailing me (or any other relationships writer) to ask for advice, here a four free tips / lessons …

DON’T SUBMIT REQUESTS TO THE WRONG PLACE. In addition to getting the name right, it’s probably good to poke around the internet to see if you even WANT advice from that person. If you read Funky Brown Chick, you’ll notice it’s a positive space and I don’t like drama. The only rule in the comment section is “be kind.” Disagree, get angry, tell me you think my ideas are cockamamie … but don’t be an asshole. Given that’s the tone of my site, it’s safe to assume I’m not going to accept requests to use Funky Brown Chick for a reader’s revenge.

DO BACK AWAY IF YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE. Take Mr. Herpes, for example. Here’s the sum total of what I know about him … He emails me at 10:30 p.m. on a Thursday night and follows that up with an 11:00pm telephone call and two text messages. When he receives zero response, the next afternoon, he texts me again at 1:30pm. I don’t respond. So, the next day, he texts me again. And, by the way, remember, by his own admission (via email), at least one woman has accused him of abusing her. Question: Why the FUCK would I want to get involved with any of that mess?

DON’T BE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. Once, I think I got an email from a girl in her early teens. She said a 20-something guy tells her he loves her, but then he sometimes doesn’t show up to see her when he says he will. God, I soooo remember how frustrating, confused and awkward my teen years were. Seriously, you couldn’t pay me to re-live junior high or high school. So, yeah, teens seeking advice should look for resources especially geared toward minors. And, for what it’s worth, I agree with Nikol. “If you’re in junior high and you’re dating someone who’s out of high school, he’s a pedophile.”

DO CONSIDER THERAPY. If you were bleeding from your eyeballs and the lower half of your body went numb, you’d see a doctor. The logic? “Something’s not quite right with my physical health, and I probably need a professional’s advice.” However, I’ve had friends (and readers) tell me their parents have died (or divorced), they’re unable to have sex because they don’t trust men, their wife cheated on them, they were raped by a guy friend in college or a whole host of other things. When I suggest they find a therapist, it seems to fall on deaf ears. The logic? “I’m not crazy!” Possibly not. But, then again, few people wait until they’re dying to see a doctor. So, why wait to see a counselor until life becomes UNBEARABLE?! Last year, I wrote a post titled “How to Find a Therapist.” Read it — especially if your current situation or family history involves sexual, physical or emotional abuse.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, herpes, Men, sex, STD, STI, therapy, Twanna A. Hines, women

July 14th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Sleeping Together: How To Avoid Trapped Arm

Unless you’re a virgin, you’ve probably done it. And, chances are, it was uncomfortable the first time you did it. You know: “It.” Sleeping together. I love sharing my bed with men that I care about; however, sometimes, drifting off in someone else’s sleepspace or inviting them to your mattress overnight can be uncomfortable. The lovely folks at VideoJug put together this “How To” video to show you the ins and out of cuddling up at night with someone else in your space. If it doesn’t load below, see the direct link here: http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-avoid-trapped-arm-whilst-cuddling-in-bed

THE LOVE STORY: How To Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling In Bed

Technorati Tags: sharing a bed, sleeping together, videojug

March 25th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [22] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Which Contraceptive is Best?

A year ago I told my gynecologist I was allergic to condoms. Her response? “No you’re not.” I didn’t believe her because she’s a Manhattanite who rushes everything — including our visits. But, she did a bunch of tests and I did a bit of research. And, it turns out she’s right. Here’s what’s going on … I almost always use little rubbers to have vaginal sex because I’m not on the pill and I don’t want to get pregnant. But, I apparently I have sensitive skin, um, everywhere. Yes, everywhere. So, if I haven’t had sex in a while, I’ll almost always get irritation and/or a light yeast infection when I “get back on the saddle” for the first time in a long time. It’s not something the guy would ever notice, but I notice because I know my body. After the conversation with my doctor, I experimented with a bunch of different options (natural latex, polyurethane condoms, lambskin, non-spermicidal, etc.). Some actually work pretty well and/or only result in a tad bit of irritation. Less irritation = better sex.

“People would rather suffer in silence,” Dr Christian Jessen tells us via TV, “than get these things treated and that’s ridiculous in this day and age.” I didn’t have anything to “treat” but, before I actually spoke to my doctor about it, I had mildly annoying irritation in my hooha that I kept private. Having a conversation with her (my doctor, not my vagina), helped that out a bunch. So, it turns out there isn’t a one “greatest” contraceptive out there, it’s more about finding out what works best for your body. If you’re sticking with condoms (pun intended), here’s a cute video to show you how to put them on correctly. Any other condom lovers out there? Which birth control methods, if any, do you prefer?

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Related: Sex without a condom

Technorati Tags: allergic, allergies, birth control, condom, Dr Christian Jessen, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, how to put on a condom, lambskin, latex, polyurethane condoms, Twanna A. Hines

February 25th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [24] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Happy New Year, I’m Starting Over!

Almost seven years ago, I moved to Chicago. Having U-Hauled my stuff from Florida, I’d just been dumped without reason by a man I thought loved me more than anyone had previously. He told me there wasn’t another woman and I hadn’t done anything wrong. As Woody Allen has said, “the heart wants what it wants.” His didn’t want me. Since I couldn’t blame him for his desires (or lack thereof), I blamed me. What did I do to make myself so incredibly unlovable ?, I wondered. I was hurt, depressed, unemployed and crashing at an old college friends’ place — a gainfully employed corporate banker who offered me her guest room then later, unexpectedly, asked me to pad her wallet with back-rent when I moved out.

Struggling with a heart broken by my ex, a job search failed and pain from a friend’s perceived betrayal, I wondered: What Should I Do with My Life? I schlepped to Borders Bookstore on Chicago’s Michigan Avenue and bought hottie Po Bronson’s book by the same title: What Should I Do with My Life?: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question. I’m not going to tell the tale of my three-year stint in the Second City and subsequent move to Manhattan — or the story of how I got over the boy — because that’s not the point of this blog post. Out with the old, in with the new. Happy New Year, it’s my fourth in New York. Around this time last year, I walked away from my full-time publishing gig in the financial district to dedicate myself to my own writing. As a result, I can honestly say 2008 was my first “good” year in NYC — on all fronts. (Psst! My last 2008 piece / first 2009 piece, I’m a Writer, Not A Child Pornographer, is now published at Huffington Post.)

I don’t remember the exact passage, but Po mentions very few people discover their “purpose” in life after hearing a commanding voice from the sky. I’ve fallen on my ass, made poor decisions, run up a lot of debt, second-guessed myself throughout various periods of my life. I’ve also succeeded. I try to make the best decisions I can with the information I have at a given time. And, I move forward on faith. My purpose, my goals for 2009 are to: (1) finish my book and (2) unclutter my life. I’ve already written 5.5 of my book’s 13 chapters, and I want to wrap the remaining 7.5 up by December 2009. Regarding clutter, I want to lose: weight I said I’d lose by the end of 2008 but didn’t, the mess in my apartment and any unnecessary drama and/or loose ends with exes. I’ve got a good feeling about 2009. I hope you do, too. For fun, listen to oldie-but-goody NPR podcast interview with Po Bronson. Read Marci Alboher’s archive of her New York Times Shifting Careers blog or her book One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success. Sincerest wishes that this year brings you peace, prosperity and any insights needed to make changes and accomplishments in your life — if that’s what your heart desires.

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Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Marci Alboher, New Year's Resolutions, One Person/Multiple Careers, Po Bronson, Shifting Careers, Twanna, What Should I Do With My Life, work life balance

January 1st, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [35] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How To Get Naked Together For The First Time

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, naked, nudity, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, Twanna Hines

November 22nd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How I Date Safely Online

I’m single, therefore I date. Sometimes, I date online. I have a Nerve Personals account. (I boycotted eHarmony on principle because I thought they were anti-gay and had a limited view of who’s an acceptable smooching partner.) I’ve also tried Match, Lavalife, Salon and others. Anyway, after years of trial and error, I’ve gained a few insights and charted my own rules of the road when it comes to internet hookups and boyfriend hunting. A couple of you emailed me to ask, basically, “What are some safety tips for online dating sites?” I can’t say what works for everyone; here are five points that work for me:

1. I ignore guys who don’t post photos. Here’s a scenario: I post a pic. The guy doesn’t, but he still emails me and expects me to contact him. Maybe he’s ugly? Maybe he’s married or dating and doesn’t want to run the risk of being “discovered” online? Whatever the case, I’m not contacting him. Internet dating is already shady enough. Who needs random, faceless strangers?
2. I always go with my gut. Can’t really explain this one any more than that. Basically, if I get the feeling that something is off or not quite right about a guy, I trust my intuition.
3. I perform background checks. Facebook, MySpace, Uber, LinkedIn and every other social networking site (and blogs!) are making the small world even smaller. I google the shit out of everyone I date. If someone’s legit, their name, alias, or email address has an online trail somewhere. So, if I do a search and nothing comes up, I take it as a sign that the guy keeps his online persona completely separate from his offline life. Translation: he may be hiding something.
4. I stay really vague. I don’t really owe the guys that I meet online anything up front. If I don’t wanna give up personal information, I don’t. I’m a pro at two things in this area: (a) dodging questions from strangers and (b) kindly telling people when they’ve overstepped my boundaries:

DUDE: So, where do you live?
ME: I’m in the city. How about you?
DUDE: I live in Brooklyn. I used to live in Williamsburg, but then I moved to Fort Greene. Hey, I once saw Rosie Perez walking her dog. That was cool. Anyway, so, I moved again and now I’m over on the other end of Flatbush. I live at 200 Eastern Parkway now. Great area … Wait, where did you say you live?
ME: [smiles, touches dude’s knee under the table] I didn’t.

5. I assume every first online date is a serial killer until they prove themselves differently. Would I meet a serial killer alone in his home? No. Would I tell a serial killer where I worked and lived? Nuh-uh. Would I get into a car alone with a serial killer? No. You get the point. I try to temper Point #5 with Points #2 and #3 so that I don’t come across as I paranoid freakshow. (One could argue that I still come across as a paranoid freakshow anyway. But, that’s fine. I’m okay with that.)

So, that’s all sweeties. How about the rest of you? How often have you dated online? Do you have any additional points, suggestions, advice or funny stories that you’d like to add? If so, stick ‘em in the comments section.

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Photo credit: Image of lovely, dovey frogs is from Bruno Sersocima in Goiânia, Goias, Brazil.

Technorati Tags: Bruno Sersocima, eharmony, internet safety, Lavalife.com, Match.com, online dating, Salon.com

April 30th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What Wine Should You Order During Your Dinner Date?

It’s a date. You’re sitting at a table topped with a crisp white covering, a set of shiny silverware and two empty glasses that sparkle by candlelight. The waiter or waitress arrives and slaps a huge leather-bound booklet of wines in front of you. Which one should you order? Order the cheapest glass (or bottle if you’re sharing), and you’ll totally look like a cheap ass. Aim for the most expensive bottle on the list, and you’ll look like a showy little schmuck. My trick? I usually pick a wine that’s exactly three price tags above the least expensive one on the list. It’s a safe bet in terms of appearances, but what if I wanna make a smart decision about quality? What if I actually wanna enjoy the wine that I select to accompany my meal? I know some of you have the same question because you’ve posed it to me via email. “Hey funky,” you ask, “what’s the best wine to order during a date?” My answer? “Hell if I know!” Fashion? Check. Dating? Got ya covered. Kissing? Check, check check all over your lovely little lips. Wine is a different story. Don’t get me wrong. I like the burgundy-colored liquid. I’m just not the “right” person to ask about matters of the grape. Gary Vaynerchuk? Yeah, that’s your man. I love my readers, so I gladly sat with Gary to discuss wine choices during dates. Video will be posted on Wine Library TV soon. In the meantime, check out Gary’s shout out to the FBC.

SIDENOTE: Love to hear from my readers. If any of you have any questions, comments, advice, suggestions or a quick shout out, feel free to contact me via the link below. And, of course, if this is your first time on FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com, be sure to check out the about, FAQ and archives pages to your right.

Technorati Tags: dating blogs, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Gary Vaynerchuk, how to order wine during a date, Wine Library TV, WLTV

April 24th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How to Write an Article

“So, how does that work?” It’s a question I’m often asked when I tell people I’m a writer. I’ve never blogged about the process of turning and idea into an article because I didn’t think folks would find the inked details particularly interesting. But, I’m learning that people like to hear the itty bitty tidbits behind the creative process. It’s kind of like watching a DVD, no? Sure, the finished film is great, but sometimes the story about its making is equally interesting.

In journalism, a pitch (also sometimes called a query letter) is basically a really short summary of an article idea sent by a writer to an editor. For example, see Marci Alboher’s pitch letter that scored her first ink in the New York Times. In 2000, Marci was a nine-year veteran lawyer and self-professed “Internet junkie” proposing to write about using the web to answer common legal problems. It was an article suggestion about a good topic sent by a qualified person to the correct editor at a suitable publication at the right time. Same holds true for many writers’ pieces.

Take my Facebook article, for example. The idea for that one came about when my friend Julia removed her dating status and accidentally blabbed to all of her online pals — including her then-boyfriend! — that the relationship was off. But, Julia wasn’t alone. Everyone around me had similarly juicy online breakups stories or knew someone who did. Also, I remembered journalist Thomas Crampton’s affair. Ooh, ooh, ooh, and plus, Facebook was in the news. People don’t read magazines to find out what happened yesterday. They read to find out what’s going on right now and what’s going to happen tomorrow — in fashion, health, technology, science, relationships, etc.

I thought an article about how Facebook is affecting our relationships would be timely, and I wanted editors to know I was the right person to write the piece. I earned a BA and an MA in the social sciences, and I’m obsessed with understanding how people related to each other. I write a blog column about my relationships for Nerve magazine. I also manage two of my own blogs and host an occasional internet radio show called Dating Roadkill. What’s more? I’ve been online since building my first webpage with straight HTML coding in 1995, and I’m addicted to social networking sites like LinkedIn and, yes, Facebook. What’s even more than that? I’m a writer who has already published a book chapter and articles about interpersonal relationships. The result? Right article. Right topic. Right person. Right time. I sent the piece to Fast Company — a kickass glossy magazine and website about (among other things) technology and innovation. They published my piece, “Is Facebook Hurting or Helping Your Relationships?” as their Valentine’s Day web exclusive.

I’m off to my writing group tonight. After that, I’ll return home to finish up a piece due tomorrow. (Will post the link once its published.) Anyway, so, there’s a random bit of “how it works” trivia for those who are interested. For those who aren’t interested, feel free to browse through the archives section to find other things of interest. I’m a fan of the open letters, New York, understanding men and understanding women categories. C’est tout! Join us again tomorrow when we return to our regularly scheduled program of dating goofdom.

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Photo credit: Patricia Fortes in Buenos Aires, Argentina

April 23rd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [3] folks got down with the Funky Brown