It’s been months since I’ve had contact with or enjoyed the New York dude’s penis. I miss it very much. But, not enough to have it again. Ah, if only the guy attached to it was a better person for me :(  Usually, when I don’t update my site for several weeks, I’m either enjoying a private love affair about which I don’t want to write, or I’m busy working. For much of the Autumn / Winter, I was doing both. For more regular updates, find me on Facebook and Twitter.

Back to the guy.

I love friendships with men because they give me: (1) a guy’s perspective on things and (2) a stable selection of fuck buddies whenever I need one. In conversation with a guy friend / fuck buddy I’ve known for a couple years, I confessed, “I stayed in my most recent relationship, even though I had doubts about him since the beginning, because I was lonely and the sex was good.” The guy friend reminded me, “Well, if you’re looking for good sex …” We joked around a bit. Eventually, he slipped back into supportive friend mode — returning to what I said about staying with the guy I dated. “Those two things aren’t a good reason for staying in a relationship.” He paused. “You knew that, of course.”

I did. I still do.

I’m not sure what’s in store for my sex & dating life in 2012. But I — like many of you who are single out there — truly believe somewhere, somewhere, I will find someone to love me for who I am. Again. I’ve had great relationships in the past, mostly pre-New York. I have no reason to believe I won’t have them again. I deserve it. So, I leave you today with this parting thought from my pal Natalie Lue‘s relationships site: “Every time you say YES to an unhealthy situation, or continue to participate in it once it becomes apparent that it’s not what you thought it was or could be and is in fact unhealthy, you’re saying NO to a healthy relationship and essentially making yourself *unavailable*.”

Here’s to being more available in 2012.

“Unlike sex, when it comes to credit cards, I don’t remember my first.” That’s the opener to Rachel’s piece It Happened to Me: I Declared Bankruptcy. Speaking of firsts, in case you missed it, from the show Fourplay TV, here’s a clip about the first time I came. It includes tips for female vaginal orgasms. Hint: Buy a sex toy.

If that fails, the delicious cocktail The Orgasm, is quite delicious, too! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm_%28cocktail%29

Food first. Then, men. Stacie, Desiree, Rachel and I are getting together for “Girls’ Night In” dinner a week from Friday. Today, Desiree shared the upcoming festivities’ menu (she’s quite the foodie!):

• Cheese board – assorted cheeses (I haven’t picked them out yet but I’m going for a French theme here)
• Heirloom tomato salad – heirloom tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella, arugula, olive oil, balsamic vinegar (prosciutto on the side)
• Endless pot o’ mussels – Self explanatory. Served with lots of crusty bread (and maybe french fries)
• Four-layer Angel Food Ice Cream Cake – angel food cake layered with blueberry jam, vanilla ice cream and peach and raspberry sorbets
• A pitcher of French Pear Martinis. Frozen margaritas are also available upon request.

Yum! Looking forward to it. And, speaking of delicious things, we usually kick off the week at FUNKY BROWN CHICK® with a “Manly Monday” celebration of testostrone-related topics. Today? 7 Greatest Homemade Sex Toys (For Men). Click the image below for the full list — including “How To Make” instructions. Enjoy! Couch cushions and the floggers are relatively simple. Wonder if anyone has actually tried the others.

To kick the day off nice and hard, today’s topic is a quickie — specifically, really weird educational videos about sex. My favorite is below. And, yes, I agree that the “Stepford-Wife mom,” not the horny kid, is what makes the video so odd. Visit The 10 Most Bizarre Sex Ed Videos for 9 additional clips of vintage sex ed videos.

I’ve gotta hand it to Marty Beckerman and Shawn Hollenbach. Last month, at my friend Rachel‘s In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, they told a room stuffed with strangers & friends how they learned to masturbate. Separately. I know them; although they’re equally sexy & hilarious, they’re not together. Marty digs chicks. Shawn likes dick. In any case, I love “How I Learned to Masturbate” stories. If you want to read about my first time using a vibrator, it’s on New York Press’ sex column Flavor of the Week. For two guys’ perspectives, here ya go:

SYNOPSIS: Shawn is a comedian who co-produces The Back Room — “a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics” — at Ochi’s Lounge every Friday night at 9pm. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “As I’m doing this, I’m exfoliating my penis [...] It was the most horrific feeling in the world … with my raw penis.”

SYNOPSIS: Marty Beckerman wrote Dumbocracy, Generation S.L.U.T. and Death to All Cheerleaders. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “Suuurpriiiise … Your dick is fucked!” and “No more floor fucking tonight. Weeeell, maybe after the reading.”

If you like the videos above and you live in New York, drop by Kettle of Fish tonight to see Marty, go to Ochi’s on Friday to see Shawn or come to Rachel’s erotic reading series tomorrow. If you don’t live in New York, and you’d like info on male masturbation, Babeland can hook you up with sex toys for men.

Although I use condoms when I have sex, I’ve certainly gone riding without a saddle with longterm boyfriends but, luckily, I’ve never been pregnant, I’m not HIV+ and I’ve never had an STD / STI. When I think about it, it’s kind of creepy that a tiny little rubber keeps my health and childfree status safe. Have you ever wondered: “What if it breaks?” (I’ve had a few break in the past, but those are stories for a different blog post.) In any case, if you’ve ever wondered: “How do they test condoms to make sure it won’t break?”, here’s a video from Consumer Reports’ labs.

Source: It’s tough being perfect, but we found 7 condoms that are.

Several years ago, I slept with a guy who faked an orgasm. Unable to complete The Final Act, he put on a performance. When he was done, he pulled out but he was still hard and the condom’s inside was completely dry and empty. I kind of felt bad for him because there’s TREMENDOUS pressure on guys to “make it happen.” Sometimes, they can’t. Wanna know more about other guys who’ve fake it? Read Men Fake It Too! on MSNBC. Also, Psychology Today has a Men Who Fake Orgasms piece, and Marie Claire answers: Why would men fake it? If you’re a guy who faked it (or someone who’s been with a dude who put on theatrics), feel free to share your stories in the comments section below.

Unless you’re a virgin, you’ve probably done it. And, chances are, it was uncomfortable the first time you did it. You know: “It.” Sleeping together. I love sharing my bed with men that I care about; however, sometimes, drifting off in someone else’s sleepspace or inviting them to your mattress overnight can be uncomfortable. The lovely folks at VideoJug put together this “How To” video to show you the ins and out of cuddling up at night with someone else in your space. If it doesn’t load below, see the direct link here: http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-avoid-trapped-arm-whilst-cuddling-in-bed

THE LOVE STORY: How To Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling In Bed

I’m single, therefore I date. Sometimes, I date online. I have a Nerve Personals account. (I boycotted eHarmony on principle because I thought they were anti-gay and had a limited view of who’s an acceptable smooching partner.) I’ve also tried Match, Lavalife, Salon and others. Anyway, after years of trial and error, I’ve gained a few insights and charted my own rules of the road when it comes to internet hookups and boyfriend hunting. A couple of you emailed me to ask, basically, “What are some safety tips for online dating sites?” I can’t say what works for everyone; here are five points that work for me:

1. I ignore guys who don’t post photos. Here’s a scenario: I post a pic. The guy doesn’t, but he still emails me and expects me to contact him. Maybe he’s ugly? Maybe he’s married or dating and doesn’t want to run the risk of being “discovered” online? Whatever the case, I’m not contacting him. Internet dating is already shady enough. Who needs random, faceless strangers?
2. I always go with my gut. Can’t really explain this one any more than that. Basically, if I get the feeling that something is off or not quite right about a guy, I trust my intuition.
3. I perform background checks. Facebook, MySpace, Uber, LinkedIn and every other social networking site (and blogs!) are making the small world even smaller. I google the shit out of everyone I date. If someone’s legit, their name, alias, or email address has an online trail somewhere. So, if I do a search and nothing comes up, I take it as a sign that the guy keeps his online persona completely separate from his offline life. Translation: he may be hiding something.
4. I stay really vague. I don’t really owe the guys that I meet online anything up front. If I don’t wanna give up personal information, I don’t. I’m a pro at two things in this area: (a) dodging questions from strangers and (b) kindly telling people when they’ve overstepped my boundaries:

DUDE: So, where do you live?
ME: I’m in the city. How about you?
DUDE: I live in Brooklyn. I used to live in Williamsburg, but then I moved to Fort Greene. Hey, I once saw Rosie Perez walking her dog. That was cool. Anyway, so, I moved again and now I’m over on the other end of Flatbush. I live at 200 Eastern Parkway now. Great area … Wait, where did you say you live?
ME: [smiles, touches dude’s knee under the table] I didn’t.

5. I assume every first online date is a serial killer until they prove themselves differently. Would I meet a serial killer alone in his home? No. Would I tell a serial killer where I worked and lived? Nuh-uh. Would I get into a car alone with a serial killer? No. You get the point. I try to temper Point #5 with Points #2 and #3 so that I don’t come across as I paranoid freakshow. (One could argue that I still come across as a paranoid freakshow anyway. But, that’s fine. I’m okay with that.)

So, that’s all sweeties. How about the rest of you? How often have you dated online? Do you have any additional points, suggestions, advice or funny stories that you’d like to add? If so, stick ‘em in the comments section.

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Photo credit: Image of lovely, dovey frogs is from Bruno Sersocima in Goiânia, Goias, Brazil.