Given the response to my HIV post, it seems fitting to write about the guy who claims a lying, thieving, phony, cheating female pastor gave him herpes. He starts his letter to me “Hey Tawana.” SIDENOTE … In college, I once asked a guy named Gebhardt Gurkewitz for a letter of recommendation, and I fucked up his name in the request. He told me, “If you’re going to ask someone to do something for you, the very least you can do is spell their name right.” He had a point. And, for the record, my name is spelled Twanna. (Like “I wanna” but with a “T.”) Moving right along … So, the reader’s email says he was accused of being an abuser by a woman who gave him herpes. He wants me to write details about said woman so he can shame her and get his side of the story out. Not a good idea. For “Mr. Herpes” and anyone else who has ever considered emailing me (or any other relationships writer) to ask for advice, here a four free tips / lessons …

DON’T SUBMIT REQUESTS TO THE WRONG PLACE. In addition to getting the name right, it’s probably good to poke around the internet to see if you even WANT advice from that person. If you read Funky Brown Chick, you’ll notice it’s a positive space and I don’t like drama. The only rule in the comment section is “be kind.” Disagree, get angry, tell me you think my ideas are cockamamie … but don’t be an asshole. Given that’s the tone of my site, it’s safe to assume I’m not going to accept requests to use Funky Brown Chick for a reader’s revenge.

DO BACK AWAY IF YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE. Take Mr. Herpes, for example. Here’s the sum total of what I know about him … He emails me at 10:30 p.m. on a Thursday night and follows that up with an 11:00pm telephone call and two text messages. When he receives zero response, the next afternoon, he texts me again at 1:30pm. I don’t respond. So, the next day, he texts me again. And, by the way, remember, by his own admission (via email), at least one woman has accused him of abusing her. Question: Why the FUCK would I want to get involved with any of that mess?

DON’T BE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. Once, I think I got an email from a girl in her early teens. She said a 20-something guy tells her he loves her, but then he sometimes doesn’t show up to see her when he says he will. God, I soooo remember how frustrating, confused and awkward my teen years were. Seriously, you couldn’t pay me to re-live junior high or high school. So, yeah, teens seeking advice should look for resources especially geared toward minors. And, for what it’s worth, I agree with Nikol. “If you’re in junior high and you’re dating someone who’s out of high school, he’s a pedophile.”

DO CONSIDER THERAPY. If you were bleeding from your eyeballs and the lower half of your body went numb, you’d see a doctor. The logic? “Something’s not quite right with my physical health, and I probably need a professional’s advice.” However, I’ve had friends (and readers) tell me their parents have died (or divorced), they’re unable to have sex because they don’t trust men, their wife cheated on them, they were raped by a guy friend in college or a whole host of other things. When I suggest they find a therapist, it seems to fall on deaf ears. The logic? “I’m not crazy!” Possibly not. But, then again, few people wait until they’re dying to see a doctor. So, why wait to see a counselor until life becomes UNBEARABLE?! Last year, I wrote a post titled “How to Find a Therapist.” Read it — especially if your current situation or family history involves sexual, physical or emotional abuse.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

How NOT to Ask for Dating Advice

THE LOVE STORY: How To Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling In Bed

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Sleeping Together: How To Avoid Trapped Arm

“People would rather suffer in silence,” Dr Christian Jessen tells us via TV, “than get these things treated and that’s ridiculous in this day and age.” I didn’t have anything to “treat” but, before I actually spoke to my doctor about it, I had mildly annoying irritation in my hooha that I kept private. Having a conversation with her (my doctor, not my vagina), helped that out a bunch. So, it turns out there isn’t a one “greatest” contraceptive out there, it’s more about finding out what works best for your body. If you’re sticking with condoms (pun intended), here’s a cute video to show you how to put them on correctly. Any other condom lovers out there? Which birth control methods, if any, do you prefer?

———————
Related: Sex without a condom

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Which Contraceptive is Best?

Struggling with a heart broken by my ex, a job search failed and pain from a friend’s perceived betrayal, I wondered: What Should I Do with My Life? I schlepped to Borders Bookstore on Chicago’s Michigan Avenue and bought hottie Po Bronson’s book by the same title: What Should I Do with My Life?: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question. I’m not going to tell the tale of my three-year stint in the Second City and subsequent move to Manhattan — or the story of how I got over the boy — because that’s not the point of this blog post. Out with the old, in with the new. Happy New Year, it’s my fourth in New York. Around this time last year, I walked away from my full-time publishing gig in the financial district to dedicate myself to my own writing. As a result, I can honestly say 2008 was my first “good” year in NYC — on all fronts. (Psst! My last 2008 piece / first 2009 piece, I’m a Writer, Not A Child Pornographer, is now published at Huffington Post.)

I don’t remember the exact passage, but Po mentions very few people discover their “purpose” in life after hearing a commanding voice from the sky. I’ve fallen on my ass, made poor decisions, run up a lot of debt, second-guessed myself throughout various periods of my life. I’ve also succeeded. I try to make the best decisions I can with the information I have at a given time. And, I move forward on faith. My purpose, my goals for 2009 are to: (1) finish my book and (2) unclutter my life. I’ve already written 5.5 of my book’s 13 chapters, and I want to wrap the remaining 7.5 up by December 2009. Regarding clutter, I want to lose: weight I said I’d lose by the end of 2008 but didn’t, the mess in my apartment and any unnecessary drama and/or loose ends with exes. I’ve got a good feeling about 2009. I hope you do, too. For fun, listen to oldie-but-goody NPR podcast interview with Po Bronson. Read Marci Alboher’s archive of her New York Times Shifting Careers blog or her book One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success. Sincerest wishes that this year brings you peace, prosperity and any insights needed to make changes and accomplishments in your life — if that’s what your heart desires.

—————

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Happy New Year, I’m Starting Over!

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

How To Get Naked Together For The First Time

1. I ignore guys who don’t post photos. Here’s a scenario: I post a pic. The guy doesn’t, but he still emails me and expects me to contact him. Maybe he’s ugly? Maybe he’s married or dating and doesn’t want to run the risk of being “discovered” online? Whatever the case, I’m not contacting him. Internet dating is already shady enough. Who needs random, faceless strangers?
2. I always go with my gut. Can’t really explain this one any more than that. Basically, if I get the feeling that something is off or not quite right about a guy, I trust my intuition.
3. I perform background checks. Facebook, MySpace, Uber, LinkedIn and every other social networking site (and blogs!) are making the small world even smaller. I google the shit out of everyone I date. If someone’s legit, their name, alias, or email address has an online trail somewhere. So, if I do a search and nothing comes up, I take it as a sign that the guy keeps his online persona completely separate from his offline life. Translation: he may be hiding something.
4. I stay really vague. I don’t really owe the guys that I meet online anything up front. If I don’t wanna give up personal information, I don’t. I’m a pro at two things in this area: (a) dodging questions from strangers and (b) kindly telling people when they’ve overstepped my boundaries:

DUDE: So, where do you live?
ME: I’m in the city. How about you?
DUDE: I live in Brooklyn. I used to live in Williamsburg, but then I moved to Fort Greene. Hey, I once saw Rosie Perez walking her dog. That was cool. Anyway, so, I moved again and now I’m over on the other end of Flatbush. I live at 200 Eastern Parkway now. Great area … Wait, where did you say you live?
ME: [smiles, touches dude’s knee under the table] I didn’t.

5. I assume every first online date is a serial killer until they prove themselves differently. Would I meet a serial killer alone in his home? No. Would I tell a serial killer where I worked and lived? Nuh-uh. Would I get into a car alone with a serial killer? No. You get the point. I try to temper Point #5 with Points #2 and #3 so that I don’t come across as I paranoid freakshow. (One could argue that I still come across as a paranoid freakshow anyway. But, that’s fine. I’m okay with that.)

So, that’s all sweeties. How about the rest of you? How often have you dated online? Do you have any additional points, suggestions, advice or funny stories that you’d like to add? If so, stick ‘em in the comments section.

———
Photo credit: Image of lovely, dovey frogs is from Bruno Sersocima in Goiânia, Goias, Brazil.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

How I Date Safely Online

SIDENOTE: Love to hear from my readers. If any of you have any questions, comments, advice, suggestions or a quick shout out, feel free to contact me via the link below. And, of course, if this is your first time on FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com, be sure to check out the about, FAQ and archives pages to your right.

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

What Wine Should You Order During Your Dinner Date?

In journalism, a pitch (also sometimes called a query letter) is basically a really short summary of an article idea sent by a writer to an editor. For example, see Marci Alboher’s pitch letter that scored her first ink in the New York Times. In 2000, Marci was a nine-year veteran lawyer and self-professed “Internet junkie” proposing to write about using the web to answer common legal problems. It was an article suggestion about a good topic sent by a qualified person to the correct editor at a suitable publication at the right time. Same holds true for many writers’ pieces.

Take my Facebook article, for example. The idea for that one came about when my friend Julia removed her dating status and accidentally blabbed to all of her online pals — including her then-boyfriend! — that the relationship was off. But, Julia wasn’t alone. Everyone around me had similarly juicy online breakups stories or knew someone who did. Also, I remembered journalist Thomas Crampton’s affair. Ooh, ooh, ooh, and plus, Facebook was in the news. People don’t read magazines to find out what happened yesterday. They read to find out what’s going on right now and what’s going to happen tomorrow — in fashion, health, technology, science, relationships, etc.

I thought an article about how Facebook is affecting our relationships would be timely, and I wanted editors to know I was the right person to write the piece. I earned a BA and an MA in the social sciences, and I’m obsessed with understanding how people related to each other. I write a blog column about my relationships for Nerve magazine. I also manage two of my own blogs and host an occasional internet radio show called Dating Roadkill. What’s more? I’ve been online since building my first webpage with straight HTML coding in 1995, and I’m addicted to social networking sites like LinkedIn and, yes, Facebook. What’s even more than that? I’m a writer who has already published a book chapter and articles about interpersonal relationships. The result? Right article. Right topic. Right person. Right time. I sent the piece to Fast Company — a kickass glossy magazine and website about (among other things) technology and innovation. They published my piece, “Is Facebook Hurting or Helping Your Relationships?” as their Valentine’s Day web exclusive.

I’m off to my writing group tonight. After that, I’ll return home to finish up a piece due tomorrow. (Will post the link once its published.) Anyway, so, there’s a random bit of “how it works” trivia for those who are interested. For those who aren’t interested, feel free to browse through the archives section to find other things of interest. I’m a fan of the open letters, New York, understanding men and understanding women categories. C’est tout! Join us again tomorrow when we return to our regularly scheduled program of dating goofdom.

——————–
Photo credit: Patricia Fortes in Buenos Aires, Argentina

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

How to Write an Article

As most of you know, FUNKYBROWNCHICK is about my life and my dates in New York City. Why the moniker FUNKYBROWNCHICK? I’m quirky / funky, and I’m ok with that. Whether the nom de jour for my ethnicity is black, colored, African American or whatever, I’m always gonna have brown skin. And, of course, I’m a chick. Hence, FUNKYBROWNCHICK. The blog has “me” all over it. Now, because I’ve received the “How do I start a blog?” question from more than one reader, here’s my humble bit o’ advice:

(1) Pick a really specific topic that defines you and excites you. Men really turn me on. I love sticking my bucket in the intellectual well of literature on relationships and dating. I could write about that stuff for days. (And, I do. Online and in print. In fact, the blog you’re reading now contains more than 551 original blog posts and 6,898 kiss-worthy feedback comments … I LOVE MY READERS!!) I don’t write about knitting on FUNKYBROWNCHICK because it’s not something that interests me. But, two dudes named Gerard & Craig like to knit. So, they have a knitting blog called “I Knit”. Likewise, Kathryn Finney loves fashion; she writes about it on the highly-successful Budget Fashionista. Celebrity hater/fan Perez Hilton writes about, you guessed it, celebrities. You get the point: don’t copy anyone else’s voice. Discover your own. Find the passions that define you. Write about them.

(2) Start blogging. The easiest way to start a blog is to sign up with a free service like Blogger. They have great “how to” guides that explain what blogging is and how to do it successfully. And, of course, Darren Rowse’s site, problogger.net, is a must-read for anyone who wants to be a better blogger. I’ve read him for years. I finally met him in person in Austin last week, and he’s GREAT! His posts like Blogging Tips for Beginners, How to Write Your “About Me” Page, and What is a Blog? are extremely user-friendly and helpful.

So, there you have it. Now, for those of you who already have blogs, tell us where we can find you online. If you don’t have a site, point us to some of your favorites. (I’ve done this once before, and I loved the great new websites I discovered in the comments section. :)

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

How To Start a Blog

How To Hide An Unwanted Erection

How To Buy Men’s Sex Toys

If you see this note, you're reading my site via its RSS feed. If links, video clips, photos or other media don't work here, visit FUNKY BROWN CHICK via the link below:

Manly Monday Topic: How to Hide an Erection