Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Vote for Your Oscar Pick!

Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock, you probably already know that the nominees for the 79th Annual Academy Awards were announced yesterday. This disturbs me. I’m not disturbed that the announcements were made, mind you; I’m disturbed that I haven’t seen any of the movies listed. Okay, wait. That’s a lie. I’ve seen some. Just, you know, not as many as I usually would have seen by now. Why not? I’m poor. Woe is me. Due to my ever-deteriorating financial situation, I’ve only seen: Borat, Children of Men, United 93, The Queen, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Departed, Babel, Volver and The Devil Wears Prada. (By comparison, when the nominations were made in previous years, usually, I would have seen all of the nominees for best doc, best pic *and* best foreign film.)

So, what have I missed? I haven’t yet seen Little Miss Sunshine, Blood Diamond, Half Nelson, The Last King of Scotland, An Inconvenient Truth, Water and Two Letters from Iwo Jima. There are others, but these are the ones that I want to see the most. Have you seen any of these films? Just for gits and shiggles, I’ll treat myself to a cheap matinee of the film of your choosing. Here’s how this is going to work . . . Use the comment section to vote for one of the nominated films that I haven’t seen. Then, sometime over the next seven days, I’ll see the film that gets the most votes and I’ll blog about it. Ooh, ooh, ooh . . . To keep everyone guessing, I reserve the right to attend the film that either: (a) gets the most votes; (b) gets the least votes {the underdog}; or (c) gets the most passionately convincing plea from a reader. Ready? Okay. Time to vote. Which of the following films do you recommend (you can vote for more than one if you’d like): Little Miss Sunshine, Blood Diamond, Half Nelson, The Last King of Scotland, An Inconvenient Truth, Water or Two Letters from Iwo Jima?

January 24th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Gotta Go Pee Pee Dance

What’s the best way to end to an interview? Hop from one foot to the other, do the “I-gotta-go-Pee-Pee-Dance”, and then break into a sprint like a crazed lunatic. That’s how. Actually, wait a minute … let’s rewind so that I can explain. Yesterday. I wake up with laryngitis (i.e. “I couldn’t fucking talk”). I contemplate canceling the interview, but I decide against it. I can do this. To hydrate my throat, I down 2 cups of tea and 5-6 glasses of water before leaving the house. It helps.

I arrive at the company. Yada, yada, yada … I think the interview goes well. When it ends, we say our goodbyes and I head for the elevator. But, then, the tea and water begin to wage war against my bladder. I have to pee. I turn away from the elevator and head back to the company. “Um, excuse me,” I start. “Is there a bathroom in the building?” The Interviewers are like, “yeah … um … lemme find the key”.* They start looking for the key and it takes them like, no joke, 5 minutes. Or, at least, it seems like it does. So, I panic. I kind of start doing the 3-year-old-gotta-go-pee-pee dance. I’m shifting from foot to foot, pacing, and generally freaking out. (Slight exaggeration here.) They give me the key.

I’m off. I walk down the deserted hall and bump into a random guy who looks like Lurch. I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t know where the women’s bathroom is, so I walk quickly past him. I’ll find it. It has to be here somewhere. I keep walking. I turn down the next hallway. No bathroom. I walk faster. No bathroom. Another turn. Still no bathroom. Now, I *REALLY* have to pee, so I eventually hunch over and start sprinting through the halls like a lunatic.

When I find the bathroom, I jiggle the key in the door. It unlocks. I burst into the first stall. But, there is a woman already in there so she starts screaming. I’m like, “sorry sorry sorry”. But, with my voice, it only sounds like, “shour huychk schmaaaa”. I get my shit back together, go to the next stall, close the door, hike up my skirt, drop my yellow panties, plop down and sigh, “ohhhh myyyyy gaaaawwwd!!! This feels so good.” Immediately, I hear the woman in the other stall quickly exit the bathroom.

Sheesh … Glad that whole thing is over. But, I have to say—barring the whole Pee Debacle, I think the interview went well. I’ll let you know if anything comes of it. Until then, assume no news on the job front is bad news. Blogging about jobsearching gets kind of depressing. Hmmm … what else should we talk about these days? Feel free to make suggestions for tomorrow’s post topic.

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* For my non-citydwelling readers … Why the key? Hallway bathrooms in urban office buildings are often kept locked for security reasons.

June 6th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [25] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Stolie 0, New York City 1

Hey guys. Sorry for the post-free day(s) and, to some of you, the unanswered emails. I received a bit of bad news, and I’m still kind of working through it all. Believe it or not, over the past few days, I’ve received three … yes, count them … three rejection notices for jobs that I really wanted. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I now know why I’m having a hard time finding a job in my field.

According the “Those Who Know”, apparently I’m at a weird place career-wise. I’m definitely not entry-level, and I’m not really mid-career either. So, when I apply for entry jobs, I get the “overqualified” schpiel. They’re afraid that I would only stay there a year and then leave when/if a job that better suited my skillset surfaced. And, they’re probably right. BUT, because I’m in the fairly early stages of managerial/executive, I get the “not enough experience” bullshit from that end. They don’t want to go out on a limb and hand over their division or department to someone they don’t know. Where does that leave me? Exactly where am I now. What do I need? In a word: connections. People are waaaay more likely to give you a try if they actually know you. This is exactly the reason why people from Chicago keep calling me to offer me jobs back home. “Just come home,” they beckon. Thus far, I’ve turned them all down. And, now, after receiving yet ANOTHER tip about a really good job in the 3rd City just a moment ago, I’m really starting wonder.

I’ve been hanging on, but at what point do you decide that enough is enough? I love New York. This is my city. No doubt about it. Still, if I’m really honest with myself, the past year kind of kicked my ass. And, the past four months have almost knocked me out. I’ve tried to stay strong through it all, but everyone has their limits. In life, there are things that are difficult and then there are things that are simply unbearable …

I’ll be back tomorrow once I’ve had a little more time to clear my head. In the meantime, brilliant ideas and/or comments from people who have been in that more-than-mid-but-barely-managerial-limbo are especially welcome.

June 1st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [24] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Cheap Asses Have More Fun

Nothing excites me more than a great deal. The other day, I buy a pair of the most fabulous sunglasses ever. Where? Street vendor. How much? $5. I tell Bro, “OMG, the guy wanted, like, $10, but I told him that I wasn’t paying more than $5. We fought. He eventually caved. $5!! Isn’t that great?!” Bro’s response: “Don’t be such a fucking cheap-ass!” I can’t help it; I love a great deal. And, today, I thought I’d treat you to a few of my favorite places to get deals in New York City. Shhhh! I’m only sharing this information with: faithful readers, my legion of lurkers, and the occasional MSN-searcher(s) who arrive(s) here on accident …

Soy Luck Club. [ Website ]
Vegan coffee shops aren’t usually my thing, but this place is great! Not only do their soy milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, they also serve (some of) their food with real meat. Yummy & inexpensive. What more could you want? Oh yeah, and, bring your laptop. They have **free** Wi-Fi.

Bad Ass Chinese Mafia [ Website ]
Handbag, handbag, purse … You need handbag? Negotiate a little, you get respect. Negotiation too much, you loose your life. This is serious stuff — underground Prada knockoffs. I like to take my out-of-town guests to Canal Street when they visit. Why? Because my guests like the bags … and *I* like to feel like a real tough New Yorker who isn’t afraid to take on the Chinese mafia. Bring it on, bitches!

Tenant.net [ Website ]
These sexy volunteers, lawyers and organizations make it their business to inform NYC tenants of their housing rights without charging us for their services. How fucking cool is that?! If you are able, regardless of where in the world you live, please support these organizations. (My favorite, WSTU, is solely supported by individual $25 donations / membership dues. Send them a check today!)

The Strand [ Website ]
Boasting 18 miles of new and used books, The Strand is a “fiercely independent family business”. I honestly think I’d cry if this place ever went out of business. Sure Barnes & Noble and Borders are nice places to buy books, but isn’t it great to support the “little guy” every now and then?

NYC Free Events [ Website ]
If a free event is happening in New York City, it’s probably listed on this site. Find out which free event taking place tonight features the model, actress and author Jenny McCarthy. (NOTE: I was on television with her in LA several years ago.) Hundreds of other free events await you, and they are only one click away …

Now that I have showed you mine, it’s time for you to show me yours. People who read the Funky Brown Chick — for example, *you*, you gorgeous and amazing reader — come from all over this little globe; so, tell me, what are some of your favorite places to get a good deal in your own city? (If you’re a fellow New Yorker, tell me where *you* go to get great deals here.)

April 26th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

2 OUT OF 3: Apartment. Boy. Job.

Okay, I have really bad news kids. I just lost my job. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to blog about this. In the end, I decided that I would because, if you’ve read the post So, Come Here Often?, you know that I started this blog to chronicle the ups *and downs* of my recent move to New York City.

So, what happened with the job? I hadn’t been there for a very long time and I was still in that evaluation period during which they determine if I am a good fit for the company and I decide whether the company is a good fit for me. In the end, we mutually agreed that it wasn’t working out.

I took the weekend off to regroup. I cried. I prayed. I called friends (I love you guys!!!). And, now that it’s the start of a new week, I have to face the real challenges that lie ahead. I haven’t told my family (my sister) yet. We’re different. For her, life is about finding your safety blanket and wrapping yourself in it. If I were to call her now, she would feel really frightened for me … and she would tell me to move back to the Midwest. That’s not what I need to hear right now. And, more importantly, I don’t want her to worry.

Boy #2 has been unbelievably supportive. I’ve seen him 4 times since my first post about him 5 days ago. We now see each other and/or he calls me almost every day; he even cooked dinner for me. I’m not naïve enough to think that everything is fine with the boy because this is actually quite a horrible time to meet even the most wonderful person. I don’t know where things will go with Boy #2 but, for right now, I feel okay. Oddly enough, approximately 3 months ago, I said fabulously single New York women never seem to have all three at the same time: an apartment, a job and a boy. “Once I find [a] boy,” I wrote, “I’m totally convinced that I’ll probably lose either my job or the apartment.”

Life is so incredibly odd.

February 13th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [30] folks got down with the Funky Brown

NYC Apartment = $$$

In New York, believe it or not, it’s actually really easy to find an apartment. All you need is money. A lot of it. So, if you happen to belong to the group of Unfortunate Ones: those who hold professional jobs but make less than, say, $65,000 (approx: €52,900 / CAN$76,700 / £35,600) per year, finding a place can be a little harder for you. I know this is true because I, too, am one of the Unfortunate Ones. If you’re one of them / us, basically, there are two ways to find an apartment in the city:

1. Craigslist. God bless Craig’s little heart. All you have to do is type in what you want and what you can afford online. Visit the place(s) during the Open House or individually arranged appointments. Repeat cycle for days, weeks possibly. Fork over cash, pass the credit check, sign the lease or sublease. Voila new home. (Side note: Craigslist segment on NPR.)

2. Broker. Pay someone else to look for your apartment for you, but they’ll charge you a commission of up to 15% of the annual rent. You’ll also jump through hoops and provide copies of your tax returns, last two W2s, past 3 months of bank statements and a letter from your employer verifying annual income. And, remember, this is just to rent, not own.

All of this “apartment talk” to say …. (drum roll, please) … I found an apartment and I may move in this Saturday. NO MORE CRAZY ROOMMATE!!! Blue skies, hopefully, are ahead. Even though I’ve signed the lease and I’ve got the keys, I’m afraid of speaking too boldly about the place (i.e. “Wow, I’m moving!!!”) because I’m afraid that I’ll somehow jinx the whole thing and the gods will come and take it away from me. And, by “it” I mean not only the apartment, but the city of New York itself. Between the first place with the roommate and the new one, I’ve now paid exactly $10,769 in broker fees, security deposits and rent for a 4-month period — $1,469 more than I paid for an entire year of Chicago rent! I’m not a rich lady. My credit cards are now maxed and all of my savings are completely gone. If this apartment falls thorough, I might eventually be forced to move back to the Midwest, quite honestly. I love this city to death. But, I have limits on how much I’ll allow myself to be tortured financially.

September 15th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown