Last night, I had a 94 minute 40 second telephone call with a friend (yes, I checked my phone). Topic of conversation? Yesterday’s Funky Brown Chick post about infidelity, “Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men.” The gist of the exchange was this: A close pal who has known me since 18 was surprised — and, though she didn’t say it but I get the impression, disappointed – I mentioned I’ve messed around with other women’s boyfriends. “It just doesn’t seem like you,” she said. “You’re generally a consistent person. I know you wouldn’t like it if someone did that to you, so I don’t get why you’d do it to someone else.” Here, grab a seat. I’ll explain. Before I do that, it’s probably appropriate to draw your attention to my interview with Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee author Pamela Druckerman for Huffington Post. Published nearly a year ago, I think the commentary applies here as well. For example, Druckerman says Americans get freaked out about cheating because, “We see it as a measure of character.” Perhaps that explains a bit of the heat in yesterday’s comments about infidelity. The overarching theme seemed to be: Pourquoi, pourquoi? WHY?!!? Brotha Tech asks, “Out of all the men/women on this planet…even the white ones, remind me why a married man/woman is actually an option?” As someone who has slept with other women’s dudes, here we go …
1. He Wasn’t Married. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never knowingly slept with a guy with a ringed finger. Guys in casual relationships? Yes. Married men? No.
2. It’s Not a Game of Numbers. Last November, Clutch magazine interviewed me for their site. In passing, I admitted, “[...] I have slept with people’s boyfriends – as long as there’s no ring and you’re not promised to someone else. Married men are hands off. Girlfriends come and go.” Once the feature was posted, a guy named Mike lamented, “The woman dates every race of man on the planet. How the hell can’t she find single man in NYC?”
I’ve found and dated plenty of single black, white, Latino, European and other men. Some were better matches than others. And, of course, I’ve met and felt intense chemistry with men who were already in relationships, too. There’s a fallacy that more people equals more potential partners. As long as you’re surrounded by ENOUGH single people, you’ll magically find the one for you. It’s like telling a gay man, “With all these single women in [insert city], you’re bound to find at least ONE that’s a good fit for you.” Try explaining to a lesbian, “You just haven’t met the RIGHT man yet.” Assume bisexual people sleep with twice as many people as either straight or heterosexual singles? It doesn’t work that way. It’s not a numbers game. Chemistry is chemistry, and people like who they like. When you find a good match, you know it — even if it doesn’t come in the package expected.
3. What Happens In His Bed Is His Business. I’ve never cheated on any of my dates, lovers, boyfriends, exes or whatever because that’s not how I roll when I’m in a relationship with a dude. That said, it’s not my place to judge what goes on in others’ romances. This goes back to what I said yesterday. It smacks of the Scarlet Letter era when a single woman was called a “cheater” for messing around with a guy who stepped out on his lover. Remember when that whole Pitt-Jolie-Aniston thing initial went down? Angelina didn’t cheat on anyone; Brad did. Yet, she – not he — was bitch-slapped with the homewrecker label.
4. Life Doesn’t Turn Out As Expected. In high school, a friends’ parents had an interesting “How We Met” story. The mom was engaged to another man. Weeks before the wedding, she met the guy who is her current husband. They sparked up a romance. Eventually, she left her fiancee for the new guy (my friend’s dad). More than 30 years later, they’re still married, have three beautiful children and are continuing to build a happy life together. Did they plan it that way? Nope. Did they meet under the most ideal circumstances? Nuh-uh. Would she have missed out on the guy who turned out to be the great love of her life if she’s stayed with the dude she originally planned to marry? Absolutely. Sometimes people find love in spaces they weren’t even searching. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never cheated on my boyfriends and I’d like to think I never will. That said, I believe affairs say more about the relationship than it does about the Other Woman or Other Man; afterall, “homewrecking” starts at home. If I was in the longterm relationship with a partner who screwed around and eventually left me for another person, I would hope I’d have the sensibility, strength and courage to let go of that which no longer belonged to me.
5. It’s Nobody’s Business But Theirs. I wrote infidelity again today because last night’s conversation provided tons of food for thought. Yesterday, I mentioned Alicia Keys to illustrate a point. Today, I mentioned Angelina. However, to close — and repeating Tuesday’s thought — If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. I’ve never really spoken at length about The Other Woman stuff because, quite frankly, what happens between Alicia, Angelina or any other woman’s legs is her business.
October 6th, 2009 | Print This Post
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