SYNOPSIS: Shawn is a comedian who co-produces The Back Room — “a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics” — at Ochi’s Lounge every Friday night at 9pm. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “As I’m doing this, I’m exfoliating my penis [...] It was the most horrific feeling in the world … with my raw penis.”

SYNOPSIS: Marty Beckerman wrote Dumbocracy, Generation S.L.U.T. and Death to All Cheerleaders. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “Suuurpriiiise … Your dick is fucked!” and “No more floor fucking tonight. Weeeell, maybe after the reading.”

If you like the videos above and you live in New York, drop by Kettle of Fish tonight to see Marty, go to Ochi’s on Friday to see Shawn or come to Rachel’s erotic reading series tomorrow. If you don’t live in New York, and you’d like info on male masturbation, Babeland can hook you up with sex toys for men.

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How Men Learn to Masturbate

I’m single. Using only one hand, I can count the number of times I’ve had sex in 2009 — I mean, you know, with someone besides myself. I don’t keep track of my trysts any more than I keep track of how many times I exercise in a month; The number on its own is meaningless. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say I had sex 4 or 5 times this year. Granted, I have a high sex drive and each “time” included multiple sessions throughout the night and next morning. But, the point is: My bedroom HARDLY has an open door policy. There’s no velvet rope, but I will say this: Very few guys have seen my apartment, fewer know what my bed looks like and even fewer can say they’ve been between my legs — or pumped away inside my vagina while hunched over my back — on my mattress. Or my floor. Or my shower. Or anywhere else in my home.

I know plenty of friends and acquaintances in dead relationships and marriages. I don’t want to date someone for the sake of dating, and I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong guy. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel lonely, wish I had a boyfriend or grow bored of sleeping solo. Nor, for the record, does that mean I haven’t nakedly thumped away with a younger guy or foreign dude (or both!) warmly squeezed between my inner thighs at 2:00a.m., noisily waking the neighbors. [Whistles innocently. Looks at sky. Avoids direct eye contact.] Um, right, so, where was I? Yes …  For now, it simply means, I’m not making my dating life a high priority. Sex life? If I get an itch, I’ll scratch it myself or occasionally accept one of my guy friends / acquaintances’ happy offers.

To be clear, sure, I would still like to fall feet first into a healthy, stable, longterm relationship with a handsome, witty and funny man. But, I’m kind of “over” making efforts to “make it happen.” No more online dating sites. No matchmakers. I’m done. Tired. Finished for the moment. Oddly, now that I’ve pulled away, I’ve met more interesting men in the past few months than I have all year. But, that’s neither here nor there. For now, I’m focused on other things. Writing. The Holidays. Spending great times with good friends. Getting ready to see my family in Illinois. That’s the stuff that occupies my time. Everything else is secondary for now.

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Credit paid: Photo by Mo Riza

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I Had Sex Five Times This Year … So Far

“Romantic love is a drive. In fact, I think it’s more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask someone to go to bed with you and they say “no thank you” you certainly don’t kill yourself or slip into a depression. But, certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love with kill for it. People live for love, kill for love and will die for it.”

Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, Why We Love and Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray

Heads up: The video clip above is 20+ minutes. It’s a bit long, but it’s thought-provoking and worth watching. I’m much more drawn to these kinds of discussions than the fluffy “Top 10 Ways To Turn Your Man on TONIGHT!!!!” stuff.

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This Is Why We Love and Cheat

Several years ago, I slept with a guy who faked an orgasm. Unable to complete The Final Act, he put on a performance. When he was done, he pulled out but he was still hard and the condom’s inside was completely dry and empty. I kind of felt bad for him because there’s TREMENDOUS pressure on guys to “make it happen.” Sometimes, they can’t. Wanna know more about other guys who’ve fake it? Read Men Fake It Too! on MSNBC. Also, Psychology Today has a Men Who Fake Orgasms piece, and Marie Claire answers: Why would men fake it? If you’re a guy who faked it (or someone who’s been with a dude who put on theatrics), feel free to share your stories in the comments section below.

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Manly Monday: Can Men Fake It? (Video)

• Diary of a Tired Black Man. A friend told me about Tim Alexander’s film, so I wrote about it on Funky Brown Chick. Tim wasn’t happy about what I said, and he left comments on my blog to let me know exactly how he felt. Read the post and comments. To form your own opinion, I also recommend his film. It’s available to Netflix  members streaming (FREE!): Diary of A Tired Black Man.

• How to Date a Black Woman. Read my tips for dipping in the brown sugar ;) For another perspective, see the companion piece How to Date a White Guy. If you like this topic, be sure to weigh in on: Are White Men Who Like Black Women More Attractive?.

• Black Couple Adopts White Daughter (Interracial Adoption). Understanding relationships isn’t exclusively a question of sex. Who we consider “family” also counts. Essence, a monthly magazine for African-American women, published a great piece about one couple’s colorful collection of children. Read about Mark and Terri Riding.

• Black Women Love Colin Farrell. Ah, remember him? If you like this post, hop over to YouTube for “a staged reading of the Colin Farrell sex tape transcript performed by professionally-trained Shakespearean actors.” Trust me. You won’t regret it; it’s sooooo made of win!
  

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Breaking News: Black People Have Sex!!!! :)

Like many (but not all) women, I sometimes have a horrible habit of giving unnecessary attention to things I don’t like about my body. When I was really thin, I wanted curves. Now that I’m a normal weight, I watch what I eat. I’ve since learned there’s no such thing as one perfect body, and I’m developing a healthier relationship with food. Whenever I start freaking out about my size, I divert my thoughts, energy, effort and attention to things that are more important to me — like my writing career, finishing my book, developing deeper spirituality, thinking about my dreams & aspirations and spending time with my family. Besides, I figure everyone has a “Best Physical Trait,” a winning ticket or two. Ages ago, when one of my exes boythings — a cute, white French Canadian brunette with a cute smile — asked which feature I thought was my best asset, I very happily told him my legs:

Inspired by Tina Turner, I strut those things around and show ‘em off in miniskirts and dresses. Seriously, I’ve gotta hand it to Miss Anna Mae Bullock. EVERYONE notices her lower limbs. Former President George W. Bush called them “the most famous in showbusiness.” They’ve also been lauded as simply the best. Hell, even The Onion joked she had a $3.2 million insurance policy on those babies in the satirical piece, Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money. Hats off to her! When I’m 69, I can only hope I look as great as she does. I think she’s gorgeous, and it’s not just about her legs. Rising from a humble and abusive background, she found happiness and blew everyone by accomplishing a lot in her career. But, back to the shallow stuff: I think she’s hot :) So, now, tell me about you. What would you say is your best physical asset and/or which trait do you notice most in men or women that interest you?

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A Tits And Ass Man’s Pick I Am Not

By the way, getting back to the beginning on this post, I’ve previously written about Single Edition; they recently hooked me up with the hiking trip. If you’d like to know more about them or the Live The Life You Love series, visit their site.

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Live The Life You Love

1. He Wasn’t Married. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never knowingly slept with a guy with a ringed finger.  Guys in casual relationships? Yes. Married men? No.

2. It’s Not a Game of Numbers. Last November, Clutch magazine interviewed me for their site. In passing, I admitted, “[...] I have slept with people’s boyfriends – as long as there’s no ring and you’re not promised to someone else. Married men are hands off. Girlfriends come and go.” Once the feature was posted, a guy named Mike lamented, “The woman dates every race of man on the planet. How the hell can’t she find single man in NYC?”

I’ve found and dated plenty of single black, white, Latino, European and other men. Some were better matches than others. And, of course, I’ve met and felt intense chemistry with men who were already in relationships, too. There’s a fallacy that more people equals more potential partners. As long as you’re surrounded by ENOUGH single people, you’ll magically find the one for you. It’s like telling a gay man, “With all these single women in [insert city], you’re bound to find at least ONE that’s a good fit for you.” Try explaining to a lesbian, “You just haven’t met the RIGHT man yet.” Assume bisexual people sleep with twice as many people as either straight or heterosexual singles? It doesn’t work that way. It’s not a numbers game. Chemistry is chemistry, and people like who they like. When you find a good match, you know it — even if it doesn’t come in the package expected.

3. What Happens In His Bed Is His Business. I’ve never cheated on any of my dates, lovers, boyfriends, exes or whatever because that’s not how I roll when I’m in a relationship with a dude. That said, it’s not my place to judge what goes on in others’ romances. This goes back to what I said yesterday. It smacks of the Scarlet Letter era when a single woman was called a “cheater” for messing around with a guy who stepped out on his lover. Remember when that whole Pitt-Jolie-Aniston thing initial went down? Angelina didn’t cheat on anyone; Brad did. Yet, she – not he — was bitch-slapped with the homewrecker label.

4. Life Doesn’t Turn Out As Expected. In high school, a friends’ parents had an interesting “How We Met” story. The mom was engaged to another man. Weeks before the wedding, she met the guy who is her current husband. They sparked up a romance. Eventually, she left her fiancee for the new guy (my friend’s dad). More than 30 years later, they’re still married, have three beautiful children and are continuing to build a happy life together. Did they plan it that way? Nope. Did they meet under the most ideal circumstances? Nuh-uh. Would she have missed out on the guy who turned out to be the great love of her life if she’s stayed with the dude she originally planned to marry? Absolutely. Sometimes people find love in spaces they weren’t even searching. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never cheated on my boyfriends and I’d like to think I never will. That said, I believe affairs say more about the relationship than it does about the Other Woman or Other Man; afterall, “homewrecking” starts at home. If I was in the longterm relationship with a partner who screwed around and eventually left me for another person, I would hope I’d have the sensibility, strength and courage to let go of that which no longer belonged to me.

5. It’s Nobody’s Business But Theirs. I wrote infidelity again today because last night’s conversation provided tons of food for thought. Yesterday, I mentioned Alicia Keys to illustrate a point. Today, I mentioned Angelina. However, to close — and repeating Tuesday’s thought — If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved. I’ve never really spoken at length about The Other Woman stuff because, quite frankly, what happens between Alicia, Angelina or any other woman’s legs is her business.

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Confessions From “The Other Woman”

To my knowledge, I’ve only slept with one married man. It was a British guy from my first summer in New York, and I’ve written about him before. A white dude with brown hair and blue eyes, he told me he had a high-paying, fancy Wall Street job in lower Manhattan. He was cute. I was attracted to his face and his British accent, not his money. I bought my own drinks to prove it. He told me was single. We flirted for hours over countless beers and cocktails until I eventually took him home. We had sex, but it wasn’t especially good. (Probably my fault as much as it was his; we’d both had a lot to drink.) In any case, once it was over, he asked, “Do you mind if I go home?” I told him he was free to leave if he wanted. I wasn’t going to beg him to sleep over. His response was: “My wife wouldn’t like it if I stayed.” When I reminded him said he was divorced, he replied something like: “Divorced. Separated. Unhappily married. What’s the difference?” Mind you, I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.

Would I sleep with a guy I KNEW was married? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t. Yet. Though, I’ll admit it: Their raw appeal has a certain je ne sais quoi. No, fuck that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Married men are the unknown, forbidden fruit I’m not supposed to desire. I’m subversive and, within limits, I like doing things I’m not supposed to. That said — although I’ve been naked and, yes, had sex with several women’s boyfriends — I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger. For better or worse, I’d probably be a horrible mistress. I’m definitely discrete, so that’s not a problem. But, I don’t think I could handle making myself available to a man on his terms only. I imagine he could only see me when it was convenient for him. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night on a regular basis, answer my calls regardless of present company or do anything else like that says: I’m yours. On the contrary, if he was truly mine, he wouldn’t be married. Besides, in my mind, affairs are about sex. Just sex. Nothing else. From my experience sleeping around with guys who’ve had girlfriends, regardless if they said otherwise when we were together, if they got caught they told it like it was to their partners: It was just sex. She didn’t mean anything to me. Generally speaking, if The Other Woman mattered more than the wife, she wouldn’t be relegated to Other Woman status. Quite frankly, that’s why I’ve gone out of my way to make that point with each of the girlfriends who’ve recently linked with nuptialed men. It’s just sex. They’re my pals; I don’t want them to get hurt. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I haven’t been able to go all the way with men I knew were married. I don’t want to get hurt either.

Are you a married man who had (or is having) an affair? Have you been The Other Woman? Are you appalled by people who sleep around with people they shouldn’t? Reading How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught? Debating whether you’d like to sleep with a married man? Are you a married woman cheating on your spouse? One of the fun things about writing on Funky Brown Chick site is that I get to connect with a bunch of different people from various backgrounds who come here with many different experiences. You all know the drill: Agree or disagree with me and/or your fellow commenters if you’d like — just don’t be an asshole about it. So, feel free to leave your two cents below. Speak anonymously if it gives you the ability to be more honest.

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Credit paid: Image is by Stephanie Hofschlaeger

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Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men

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Credit paid: Image by Ivan Prole

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Is Sexual Tension Better Than Sex?