I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes — a bisexual man with many many years of dick slurping experience — showed me how. Though I haven’t doled the full treatment to every lover I’ve gone down on, those who’ve received it haven’t complained. But, then again, would ANY guy ever seriously complain about receiving a blow job? Not sure. Anyway. Whether you’re a person who puts them in your mouth or someone who has one attached to you (or both), please feel free to use the comments section to share your oral sex tips. What feels good? What feels bad? What works? What doesn’t?

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5 Tips: Oral Sex Performed on the Penis

Okay, so, on Tuesday, I’m performing at my friend Abiola Abrams‘ reading series, Kiss & Tell Live. I’ll either do a piece about: (A) the first time I ever slept with someone who wasn’t black; (B) my views on interracial dating vis-à-vis John Mayer’s recent Playboy interview; or (C) an absurdest, political & completely fictional story about losing my virginity TO John Mayer titled: “Hot Brown P*ssy & Immature White D*ck: Why Can’t Louis Farrakhan and David Duke Just Get Along?” ;) Use the comments to tell me which of the three stories you’d like to hear. Can’t be COMPLETELY sure, but my tentative plan is to post the piece on Funky Brown Chick Tuesday morning and perform it that evening. (That way, you guys get to see it first.) I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, to give you an idea what the reading will be like, here’s Abiola’s promo video for Kiss & Tell LIVE:

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Hot Brown P*ssy & Immature White D*ck: John Mayer

If you like the Colbert video above (h/t Feministing), check out the following post from the Funky Brown Chick archives: Guys and Dolls: A Real Documentary about Life-Size Sex Toys.

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“Why Aren’t I F*cking A Robot?”

Don’t agree with the gendered “biological nature” stuff. For example, in discussing what men and women want, they mention: SHE may want to bask in the afterglow of your special time together by expressing her hopes and dreams of your future together. I don’t know about you, but I’m much more likely to fall into a deep, coma-like sleep after sex. Mouth open. Snoring. A trail of drool lovingly linking my mouth to the dude’s chest. Anyway. Enjoy the video!

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PS: Posting something happy today to lift spirits / mood a bit. Like everyone, I’ve been keeping up with Haiti. Very sad :( You probably already know this, but you can help via Partners in Health or by texting “Haiti” to 90999 or other means.

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How To Behave After Sex

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Manly Monday: What is The Average Penis Size?

“Why do you think I chose those men?” I question Anna-Scarlet via my little red touch phone.

My Life Choices is a topic over which I ruminate plenty. So, I didn’t ask her because I lack self reflection. I simply wanted to hear her perspective. She’s one my of favorite no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends. Unafraid to shield my feelings by only saying things I want to hear, she often provides personal insights I hadn’t considered.

“Twanna,” she sighs in a drawl. Anna-Scarlet is a fellow black woman raised in the deep south like I was (during childhood). “You’re afraid of intimacy. When you date risk-taking loose cannons, you’re actively seeking out people you know aren’t capable of forming stable relationships.”

I already know her words are true. She continues speaking, figuratively holding up a mirror to reflect an imperfection I often try to avoid. I keep men at a distance so they can’t danger my heart. Anna-Scarlet wants me to be a better person, and she wants me to have more fulfilling relationships.

My voice falls silent until I eventually mumble, “I know, I know.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. I’m not sleepy; I’m weary. Everyone has emotional baggage. I’d like to check mine in somewhere and leave them for good but, oddly, I feel more comfortable with them at my side. “Okay,” I challenge, “So, what the story with the other side of the equation? Why do I date stable dudes?”

“You write about relationships and shit!!” She giggles. “Why are you asking me?”

“Even doctors seek second opinions when it comes to their personal health. Outside perspectives are always good.”

“True,” she agrees.

I think I hear her nod. “Soooo?” I wait. “What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’?”

“When do you think I’ll stop repeating the same patterns?”

“Twanna,” she starts. “You’ll stop seeking stability in men once you’ve discovered that for yourself. And, you’ll stop dating unattainable guys when you get tired of the dance and you’re ready to settle down.”

I know she’s right.

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I Keep Men At a Distance So They Can’t Danger My Heart

At last night’s Kiss and Tell, I’d already met everyone except the duo named Dave and Ethan. I checked out their website. They’ve got quite a few fun videos, so I thought I’d share one with you today.

Oooh, ooh, ooh, this gives me an idea!!! For the February performance, I might share the sexy story about how one of my exes picked me up. Hmmm … Gotta think about whether or not I want to talk about that one. Anyway. Guys, if you’ve got a fun story about picking up a woman you adored, feel free to share it in the comments section below. Ditto for the women; If someone wooed you particularly well, tell us how they did it.

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How To Pick Up Women

Easy To Get contains so much WIN that I don’t even know where to start. Hmmm, maybe my favorite part is the section where the narrator reminds us it’s better for a baby to DIE than be born with syphilis. Or, maybe this part was the best:

ARMY DUDE: “You got gonorrhea , Baker.”
CORPORAL BAKER: “Gonorrhea?!?! I don’t know how I …”

ARMY DUDE: “I do. You had a dirty woman!”
CORPORAL BAKER: “No sir [...] She wasn’t a prostitute!”

ARMY DUDE: “You known her long?”
CORPORAL BAKER: “I met her the day I got home!”

ARMY DUDE: “On the street or in a bar?”
CORPORAL BAKER: “I don’t mess around with street walkers [...]“

Yes, my friends, street walkers are living gonorrhea vessels. Easy To Get is Made Of Win :) And ooh, ooh, ooh … how could I NOT love the part where the music turns sinister and Mr. Announcer says the girl seemed nice enough but SHE WAS DIRTY ON THE INSIDE!! :) Easy To Get = Easy To Love. Tons of great messages about health, clearing up STDs / STIs misconceptions about “the strain,” women’s roles in spreading disease and other fun stuff. See how the internet works? It goes from Jessica Cutler to The Smoking Gun to The Army … somehow gonorrhea gets mixed in … and then it goes to YOU via Funky Brown Chick. C’est tout! That’s all I’ve got for you today. Just a quick and “dirty” (ha, ha) post because I’m rolling toward Philadelphia as I type this. By the way, THANK YOU to the lovely folks at Bolt Bus. Their ridiculously inexpensive pricing — coupled with a great Priceline deal for a nice 4-star waterfront hotel — delivered quick and wonderful 3 day / 2 night weekend trip to see a friend. (Will tweet and post Philly pictures on my Flickr.)

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Credit paid: Dirty girl image is a self portrait by Phoney Nickle

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Women are dirty whores who can’t be trusted!!

Okay, so, I was inspired to write about condoms because it’s World AIDS Day. According to the CDC, 1 in 5 of the more than one million people in the U.S. living with HIV don’t know even they have it. Earlier, I tweeted the list of NYC free clinics for anonymous HIV testing available in all 5 boroughs. It’s important to get tested and know your status. Check and check; I’m negative. I guess that ends the Public Service Announcement section of today’s blog post. Now, for a related topic, small condoms and large condoms.

One of my exboyfriends from ages ago (in Florida) had a slightly small penis. The condom often slipped off when we had sex. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve also been with a guy whose member was so large it was kind of hard to stuff it into a standard sized condom. That said, although men often obsess about how they measure up, the truth is: all guys are pretty similar in length and girth. I mean, you know, few men are a thin as a pencil and short as a clitoris. Even fewer are a thick as a baby’s arm and long as a baseball bat from scrotum to tip. Size differences are relatively subtle. That said, if any of you have interesting stories about anecdotes about penis size, feel free to leave them in the comments section below. I’m especially curious to hear a guys’ perspectives about the topic, but women are encouraged to weigh in as well.

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Credit paid: Image of NYC condoms is by Victoria Peckham.

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Condoms for Big and Small Men

Who decides how/what/who makes a good lover? Everyone has different answers to that question. So, feel free to share your ideas in the comments section below. I’m particularly interested in hearing from: (1) people who have specific deal breakers that automatically make them go limp / dry up during sex; (2) people who’ve been with men or women who were LOUSY lovers and (3) people who’ve been with EXCELLENT lovers. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, here’s your shot: Use the comments section to describe what works well and what doesn’t.

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How Do You Know If You’re ‘Good in Bed’?