Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships. » Understanding Men

Manly Monday: What is The Average Penis Size?

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 04:38:24 +0000

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Manly Monday: What is The Average Penis Size?

Condoms for Big and Small Men

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:11:12 +0000

If I’m going to have sex with a guy, I’ll ask him to slip a balloon on his dick. I use condoms. Almost always. It’s not the men, it’s me. I don’t want a baby. Or AIDS. Or crabs. Or random green shit oozing out my hooha. Once we’ve been together exclusively for a while, we’ll talk about going raw. Until then, I’m uber protective about my sexual health. I think men who care about their safety, too, are SEXY. (Sidenote: If I don’t know a guy really well and he wants to nail me without protection, I’m going to assume he generally sticks his lollipop in women wrapper free every time. Or at least very often. That scares me.)

Okay, so, I was inspired to write about condoms because it’s World AIDS Day. According to the CDC, 1 in 5 of the more than one million people in the U.S. living with HIV don’t know even they have it. Earlier, I tweeted the list of NYC free clinics for anonymous HIV testing available in all 5 boroughs. It’s important to get tested and know your status. Check and check; I’m negative. I guess that ends the Public Service Announcement section of today’s blog post. Now, for a related topic, small condoms and large condoms.

One of my exboyfriends from ages ago (in Florida) had a slightly small penis. The condom often slipped off when we had sex. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve also been with a guy whose member was so large it was kind of hard to stuff it into a standard sized condom. That said, although men often obsess about how they measure up, the truth is: all guys are pretty similar in length and girth. I mean, you know, few men are a thin as a pencil and short as a clitoris. Even fewer are a thick as a baby’s arm and long as a baseball bat from scrotum to tip. Size differences are relatively subtle. That said, if any of you have interesting stories about anecdotes about penis size, feel free to leave them in the comments section below. I’m especially curious to hear a guys’ perspectives about the topic, but women are encouraged to weigh in as well.

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Credit paid: Image of NYC condoms is by Victoria Peckham.

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Condoms for Big and Small Men

How Men Learn to Masturbate

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:16:27 +0000

I’ve gotta hand it to Marty Beckerman and Shawn Hollenbach. Last month, at my friend Rachel’s In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series, they told a room stuffed with strangers & friends how they learned to masturbate. Separately. I know them; although they’re equally sexy & hilarious, they’re not together. Marty digs chicks. Shawn likes dick. In any case, I love “How I Learned to Masturbate” stories. If you want to read about my first time using a vibrator, it’s on New York Press’ sex column Flavor of the Week. For two guys’ perspectives, here ya go:

SYNOPSIS: Shawn is a comedian who co-produces The Back Room — “a provocative gay stand-up show featuring NYC’s best working and up and coming gay, lesbian and sexy comics” — at Ochi’s Lounge every Friday night at 9pm. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “As I’m doing this, I’m exfoliating my penis [...] It was the most horrific feeling in the world … with my raw penis.”

SYNOPSIS: Marty Beckerman wrote Dumbocracy, Generation S.L.U.T. and Death to All Cheerleaders. Funny excerpt from the clip below: “Suuurpriiiise … Your dick is fucked!” and “No more floor fucking tonight. Weeeell, maybe after the reading.”

If you like the videos above and you live in New York, drop by Kettle of Fish tonight to see Marty, go to Ochi’s on Friday to see Shawn or come to Rachel’s erotic reading series tomorrow. If you don’t live in New York, and you’d like info on male masturbation, Babeland can hook you up with sex toys for men.

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How Men Learn to Masturbate

This Is Why We Love and Cheat

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:35:52 +0000

“Romantic love is a drive. In fact, I think it’s more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask someone to go to bed with you and they say “no thank you” you certainly don’t kill yourself or slip into a depression. But, certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love with kill for it. People live for love, kill for love and will die for it.”

Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, Why We Love and Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray

Heads up: The video clip above is 20+ minutes. It’s a bit long, but it’s thought-provoking and worth watching. I’m much more drawn to these kinds of discussions than the fluffy “Top 10 Ways To Turn Your Man on TONIGHT!!!!” stuff.

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This Is Why We Love and Cheat

Manly Monday: Can Men Fake It? (Video)

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:05:25 +0000

Several years ago, I slept with a guy who faked an orgasm. Unable to complete The Final Act, he put on a performance. When he was done, he pulled out but he was still hard and the condom’s inside was completely dry and empty. I kind of felt bad for him because there’s TREMENDOUS pressure on guys to “make it happen.” Sometimes, they can’t. Wanna know more about other guys who’ve fake it? Read Men Fake It Too! on MSNBC. Also, Psychology Today has a Men Who Fake Orgasms piece, and Marie Claire answers: Why would men fake it? If you’re a guy who faked it (or someone who’s been with a dude who put on theatrics), feel free to share your stories in the comments section below.

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Manly Monday: Can Men Fake It? (Video)

Manly Monday: Pictures of White Men’s Meat

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:41:25 +0000

If you’ve read (See: Does Guy-on-Guy Action Turn You On? and Do Men Look Good Naked?), you already know I like drooling at artistic male nudes. I’m getting a few photographs to mat and frame on my bathroom walls. I like the idea of buying nude art sold directly via photographers on websites and social media. You get the know the artist better. Plus, it’s easier and less expensive than getting stuff at galleries. One of my faves, deviantART, rocks — though, unfortunately, a lot of the guys are on there are, like, you know, white. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against lighter varieties of meat. If you count all my exes from Europe as “white” then, technically, I’ve slept with more white dudes than black men. Still, that doesn’t mean I ONLY date them. Nor do I have the desire to ONLY look at their penises when I’m standing unclothed in my bathroom with fuzzy bath mat lint into between my bare toes as I get ready to enter the shower. When I find a site with an affordable, good collection of Asian, Latino, black and other colorful naughty bits for purchase, I’ll post the link. (If you know one, please share.) In the meantime, for this glorious Manly Monday, behold what has become: “The Other White Meat” collection. ;) Haven’t made any purchases yet, so let me know which photo(s) you like best. (Pssst, see my other deviantART favorites here.)

Him. by ~mistress-macabre on deviant ART

Crash Dance by ~JogiART on deviant ART

details of myself by !franzl on deviant ART

Sneak Away — male nude 35 by ~JogiART on deviant ART

Male Dreams by ~JogiART on deviant ART

not another penis by ~talibstevens on deviant ART

VIII by ~noir-nudes on deviant ART

By the way, I asked my Twitter followers to suggest names for today’s post about pictures of white pee-pees. They came up with: The Great White Hope, White Popsicles, White Men Can’t Hump and Whitesabers. Feel free to make suggestions of your own. I need SOMETHING to say when people ask, “Um, Twanna … Why do you have a bunch of b&w photographs of white penises on your bathroom wall.” I’d like to answer, “Oh, that’s my ____ collection. You like?”

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Manly Monday: Pictures of White Men’s Meat

Are Men in Their 20s Too Immature to Date?

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:23:22 +0000

I like younger men. So, the other day, I updated my Facebook status to say: “Twanna A Hines thinks 20-something dudes and 30-something women go well together. It’s kind of like pairing a fine wine with a nice meal.” The responses were hilarious. A guy friend from Florida asked: “Who’s the wine and who’s the meal?” A dude here in New York said, “You do the drinking, they do the…” Ladyvoices chimed in, too, but most were against my fine wine / nice meal pairing. One woman commented: “TOTALLY disagree. That’s like putting a fine wine (30 something ladies) with a happy meal (MOST 20 something boys).” A friend from LA said, “[20-something guys] weren’t great when we were in our 20s. Why would they be better in our 30’s?” I started to feel bad for the young ones :) Hmm … Is it true that guys in their 20s are more immature than men in their 30s or 40s? Possibly. Possibly not. It’s worth mentioning, I dated an 42-year-old older man several summers ago. At the time, his age seemed ancient to me, but it didn’t matter — he turned out to be woefully childish. Lied, cheated and chased booty like he was a desperate, 15-year-old virgin who’d never had any before. There’s a saying: You can be a child only once, but you can be immature forever. Sooooo true — in life and in relationships. So, here’s the question: Are 20-something men too immature to date? Tell me: What are the benefits of linking up with a 20-something man (besides the obvious: better SEX)? And, what are the benefits of dating a 30-something woman (besides the obvious: better SEX)?

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Are Men in Their 20s Too Immature to Date?

Who’s the Cutest Bromance Couple?

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:30:30 +0000

A couple days ago, a friend commented: “Good Will Hunting is the original Bromance movie.” At first, I agreed. I mean, who could forget Ben Affleck and Matt Damon’s ridiculously cute acceptance speech at the 70th Annual Academy Awards!??! But, hold on there kiddies. On-screen, intimate friendships between men (Bromances) existed before Ben & Matt were born. Remember Jerry Lewis and that Dean Martin guy? Or, what about Will Smith and Martin Lawrence? Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan? I don’t know who can claim the “First Bromance” title (Marx brothers? Laurel & Hardy?), but I’d love to know your opinion: Which Coupling is the CUTEST bromance? Feel free to use the comments section below to leave your suggestions. If you need inspiration, LA Times has a 11 Brands of Bromance slideshow. My vote: Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna.

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Photo credit: LA Times – 11 Brands of Bromance

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Who’s the Cutest Bromance Couple?

Men’s Minds: What’s the Difference Between a Flirt and a Cocktease?

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 12:12:44 +0000

It’s the top of the week and, as usual, Mondays are “manly” here at Funky Brown Chick where the day kicks off with a tribute to a particular guy, mantrend or other male-related topic. Today, we’re going to look at the minds of men. Matt Hutson has an article in the May/June issue of Psychology Today called “Romantic Road Signs: Studies identify what cues people use to judge a lady’s sexual openness.” I was going to write about it sooner, but I’d tucked the piece into a deep crevice in my brain and it didn’t reappear until last weekend. After The Webutante Ball, Rachel, Nichelle, Sherri, Lauren and I went to 212 Bar and got into a goofy conversation about “sexual teasing” — i.e. giving off clues that you’re sexually open when you’re not. To be clear, I fully admit I’m a flirt. I flirt with men, women, friends, lovers, waiters, puppy dogs and almost any other living thing on the planet. And, of course, I like kissing boys. Who doesn’t like to be showered with attention, be made to feel attractive and be the objection of affection? Men like that. Women like that. Everyone does, no? So, if I see a guy who’s cute and sweet, I’ll flirt with him. It puts a smile on his face and it makes him feel good. But, that doesn’t mean I want to fuck the guy or that I expect him to sleep with me. In my mind, we’re just having light and charming fun. Perhaps, men see it differently? And, I think that was the topic of my (possible) disagreement with the girls the other night.

ME: “I get called a tease quite often.”

The Girls: [chiming] “We’re not surprised.”

I don’t think smiling, blowing kisses, touching someone’s thigh under the table or any other actions from the flirting toolbox connote: I am going to have sex with you. So, how do you let a guy know that you ARE interested in having sex? In short, here’s what I think my girlfriends sitting around the table at the bar thought: Be smart. If you go back to a guy’s place alone, please know that he’ll think you want to sleep with him. So, if you don’t want to have sex, don’t go back to his place. We don’t want you to get hurt. I disagreed … or, maybe I agreed and we were just saying the exact same thing using different words.

I think I SHOULD be able to flirt with a guy and, possibly, even go back to his place without him: (1) raping me or (2) thinking I’m a cocktease* if I don’t fuck him. BUT, because I feel like I live in a world where the power (burden?) of flipping the yes/no sex switch often seems to fall squarely on women’s shoulders, I usually don’t go back to a date’s place alone unless I’m almost positive I’d have sex with him. Does that make me a tease? I say no. Or, to paraphrase what one of my readers, Raymond, said the last time I wrote about this topic: Flirting doesn’t make you a tease. If you give a guy a snack, it doesn’t automatically mean he gets the run of the kitchen. My thoughts exactly. What say you? How would you define “a flirt” vs. “a cocktease“? (SIDENOTE: By the way, for the record, I hate that word cocktease because it’s sooooo sex negative / loaded — and, not to mention, men are rarely if ever called a vag tease when they flirt.)

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Image by Sanja Gjenero

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Men’s Minds: What’s the Difference Between a Flirt and a Cocktease?

Is It Possible to Keep Your Freedom In a Relationship?

Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:04:46 +0000

Last night, on my way home, I passed an older, WASPy couple heading south on Lexington and 58th. They were fighting. Judging by their looks, they were likely in their mid to late 50s and, probably, wealthy. He was wearing a navy sports coat, nice slacks and his left wrist had an understated but fancy watch. She was thin with silver hair perfectly coiffed into a neat up-do. Her body was draped in a classic A-cut burgundy dress and she had a pretty shawl loosely caressing the folds of her arms. She looked upset and she was moving her arms sharply while explaining to him, “You can’t have freedom in a marriage!” I thought, “Ewww! She makes being married to her sound like prison!!” :( She needs to give her husband his free!! Give him his free!!! After I got home, I kept turning that woman’s words around in my head. You can’t have freedom in a marriage. You can’t have freedom in a marriage. Getting dressed this morning, I thought about her again when I read about China blocking access to Twitter on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.

Freedom, huh? SIDENOTE: I’m soooo not a photographer, but I’ve kind of got a thing for images because they often describe emotions better than words can. I actually remember flipping through Life magazine at my doctor’s office visits when I was a little girl and, as an adult living in the Netherlands, I supported World Press Photo. So, getting back to that woman’s comments about marriage and freedom … seeeee, stick with me, I promise I actually have a point … While that woman on Lexington was yelling at her husband about his refusal to be on lockdown, I glanced over at him to check his face for reaction. The guy honestly looked sooooo completely miserable. His facial features crumbled, shoulders slouched and he looked like an animal caged against his will. I kind of felt bad for him. Whether dating, married or single — who the hell wants to feel like their freedoms have been taken away?!

I haven’t cheated on anyone; however, each of my exboyfriends could probably tell you several ways in which I’ve been an imperfect girlfriend, imperfect human being. One ex-lover even told me: “Being with you is like listening to someone chewing with their mouth open yell at you for chewing with your mouth open.” For example, I once told one guy: “You should eliminate the word should from your vocabulary!” I’m a stubborn woman. And, I date stubborn men. That said, in the past few years, I’ve grown up a lot and I’ve learned a thing or two about how to treat men. One of the JDate profile questions asks about my past relationships. I wrote: “I’ve learned to be a more patient, less judgmental and more forgiving person. In my past, I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on my boyfriends (i.e. one dude wanted to get waaaaay too close to me waaaay too soon and I pushed him away). I now know it’s unreasonable to expect 100% freedom when someone else wants to share their time or their heart with you.” So, now, if a guy is doing or saying something to me that I don’t like, I focus on my reaction instead of his actions — i.e. it’s about how he makes me feel, not about taking away his freedom away while expecting to keep mine 100%.

Who the hell knows why the couple I passed on the street was fighting. Perhaps, he was cheating? If that’s the case, I imagine his response to his wife would’ve been quite different if she’d started with: “When you cheated on me, it made me feel like I’m not good enough for you and you needed to go outside of our marriage to get turned on or and have an orgasm. It makes me feel like I’m not sexy, attractive or desireable enough and you’d rather be with another woman instead of me. So, that makes me wonder if you want out of this relationship and/or if I should get out. But, I’m afraid to go because we’ve got children, history and a life together. And, I’m afraid to stay because I’d feel ashamed, like I don’t value my own self worth.” THAT conversation might’ve ignited a dialogue about the possibility of an open relationship, divorce, working on relationship problems, better sex, a separation or whatever route they need to go. Instead, the pair walked down the street while she forcefully explained that he couldn’t be a free man and he looked pained as he listened in silence. I didn’t really get the impression they resolved anything with the fight. Hmmm …. I still can’t get that woman’s words out of my head or that guy’s face out of my sight. So, that’s why I’m writing about that couple. If you’ve got anything to get off your chest about the Is It Possible to Keep Your Freedom in a Relationship? question, go ahead and leave your ideas in the comments section below.

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Is It Possible to Keep Your Freedom In a Relationship?