Thanks for your patience, my lovelies! I had to take the site down for a couple days to accommodate backend updates but, luckily, we’re back up and running now. On with the show! Recently, I read a slightly unsettling piece of news. Apparently, according to a Jezebel article titled What Does Flirting Have To Do With It?, American women are the world’s most unsuccessful flirters. I shared the piece on my Facebook, and I privately told friends I was on a mission to flirt more — ESPECIALLY with totally inappropriate targets for my affection. “I’m sorry,” my guy pal Billy Rodriguez* responded. “How is this different from any other time [you've flirted]?” Good point. I love flirting. With boys, girls, cats, dogs, books, etc. It’s not so much about getting the target between my legs, it’s just about appreciating how beautiful the world can be. Beautiful smiles dotted by dimples. Beautiful personalities filled with wonderful senses of humors. Beautiful bodies nicely toned with muscle. Flirting is fun.

“Your friend [redacted] is quite a charmer,” a female NY pal mentioned over drinks last night. “I could learn from him.”

“Yeah, but he’s a charmer not a good flirter.” I told her I didn’t like guys who were overly charming because they feast on women with low self-esteem. “Only someone who doesn’t believe they are beautiful wants a charming stranger to tell them, You’re so beautiful. It seems so insincere and silly.”

She disagreed. “There’s a difference between slimy men who spread bullshit and people with authentically boisterous and upbeat personalities. Like you. You do that with men. You’re a charmer.”

I couldn’t help feeling different. “No, I don’t think I’m insincere.”

“Neither are all men who tell women they look beautiful.”

Touché. Maybe she has a point. So, in an effort spread the flirtfest around, here’s a Howcast video about playfully arousing sexual interest. I think most flirting advice, flirting body language and flirting techniques are instinctual, no? For example: If you like a guy, OF COURSE you’ll look into his eyes while you’re talking to him, right? That said, some of my more introverted friends have said letting someone know you like them can be tough. And, yeah, I’ll admit it, if I’m talking to a guy I’m REALLY into, I get weird, awkward and super self conscious. Anyway. Instructional flirting video and transcript are below. Also, you might check out eHow’s How to Flirt Via Text Message and AskMen.com’s Online Flirting advice.

TRANSCRIPT:

There isn’t just an art to flirting—there’s a science! Use these proven methods to charm and seduce. To complete this How-To you will need a positive attitude and a healthy dose of self-confidence.

• Step 1: Begin with a bright smile—one that comes from your eyes as well as your lips.

• Step 2: Say hello and then ask a question that requires more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, “What do you think of the band?” or “Where are we, anyway?” Tip: Forget cheesy pick-up lines. According to one study, a simple “Hi” is the most successful opening line.

• Step 3: Keep the conversation light. The object is to banter, not get bogged down in a serious discussion.

• Step 4: Fiddle a little—with your hair, your jewelry, your clothing. People do this subconsciously when they are attracted to someone. Doing it intentionally excites the other person by subliminally telegraphing your interest.

• Step 5: Put a fun spin on whatever you say. Everyone is attracted to a person with a good sense of humor. Tip: Don’t break eye contact, unless the person is showing you something. Someone who can’t take their eyes off you is very intriguing.

• Step 6: Lean in as the person talks. It will make him or her feel fascinating—and find you fascinating in return. Tip: Not sure the person you’re flirting with is interested? Look at his or her feet. If they’re pointing in your direction, you’re scoring!

• Step 7: Touch the person lightly on his arm or hand to create a little sexual tension. Just keep it above the belt!

• Step 8: When it’s time to go, give a brief hug or a peck on the cheek to convey warmth and reinforce your interest. Happy hunting!

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It’s okay. I can call out Billy on my site. The discretion / ‘no names’ policy only applies to men I’ve slept with.

“What are three qualities you’re looking for in men you date?” Last weekend in DC, that’s the question a guy friend lobbed at me while sipping Patron. Having told me he likes fun women with happy dispositions who don’t live in messy apartments, he was curious about my tastes. In no particular order, I gave him a short list: someone who makes me feel just as good as I did — or better than — before I met him, and someone with an attractive/appealing personality. “Oh,” I added, “and he has to know how to fight.” Physical altercations are NOT hot, and I wouldn’t date a dude punched people — not other guys and definitely not women. That said, I definitely need a guy with a fighter’s spirit. He has to stand up for himself, and be passionate enough about something to compete or struggle for it.

I certainly don’t believe people should always date others who are exactly like them. I’ll link up with men from various ethnicities, age groups and religious backgrounds. “I don’t have to agree about everything with a guy,” I told the friend, “but it’s important to be on the same team when it comes to issues that matter.” I explained I’m in shape, and I like running. Consequently, my vagina doesn’t like guys who don’t take care of themselves. On the financial front — having gotten into a lot of credit card debt and a previous cycle of overspending — I’ve spent years cleaning up my credit, building savings and establishing more healthy attitudes toward money. I wouldn’t settle down with a dude with horrendously reckless shopping habits.

“So, it’s like what Chris Rock said about crackheads?” the DC friend offered.

“Huh?”

“Crackheads. Look it up.”

When I returned to New York, that’s exactly what I did. Here’s Chris Rock: “Whatever you’re into, your woman’s gotta be into, too, and vice versa. Or, the shit ain’t gonna work. lt ain’t gonna work. That’s right. lf you’re born-again, your woman’s gotta be born-again, too. lf you’re a crackhead, your woman’s gotta be a crackhead, too … You can’t be like, ‘I’m going to church, where you going?’ [He says] ‘Hitting the pipe!’ That relationship ain’t going nowhere. Two crackheads can stay together forever.”

I’m not a crackhead, but I am an independent and fairly subversive woman. If I dated a pushover, I’d resent his passivity and wouldn’t respect him. How about you? What are your deal breakers and core values that your partners must share?

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Photo by Kate Gardiner

FUNKY BROWN CHICK® reader Kay Beavers said she found my site by googling sexy Asian men. [Sidenote: Speaking of readers, if you missed it, don't forget to see Not To Go All Stalkery On Your Ass, But …] If Kay and others want information about sexy Asian men, it’s information about sexy men you shall have!!! Here’s my girl Jen Kwok, and she’ll tell you why dating Asian men “rocks.” You’ll recognize her from FOURPLAY, and the white dude in the video is SOCE, The Elemental Wizard.

Direct link to video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG9vYZmoqmg. Also, be sure to check out Everyone ♥’s an Asian Boy and Black Women + Asian Men = Blasian Hot Dating.

Do you agree or disagree with the title of today’s post: Sexual Monogamy Doesn’t Work. Last Monday, Yahoo Shine published YourTango’s Is Monogamy Outdated? They say, often, monogamous “libidos are climbing the walls” in search of new partners. One-on-one play can be difficult. So, they ask: Why are we trying so darned hard to make [it] work, anyway?

My thoughts? I’m a serial monogamy fan. That is, I prefer Twanna + 1 Dude couplings until either me or my partner decides it’s time to move on. For me, it’s been hard to find that in New York — where endless streams of dating opportunities abound and many younger guys ask what, if any, benefits exist for settling down. That said, as I recently wrote on Twitter, I’ve met guys who are “kind of” into me (given all the options), but I know I’m worth a guy who’s REALLY into me. Only me. I can’t help it. I’m Midwestern that way, Illinois spoiled me. I’ve never been good at (nor interested in) juggling more than one guy at a time. So, once I start sleeping with someone, I’m only sleeping with him. Yes, depending on circumstances, I might date multiple people concurrently. But, I’m sexually exclusive. Hmmmm, if I bored of single sex — after, say, 5 – 10 years of with the same dude — I’d probably broach the topic of swinging or having a threesome to keep things spicy. Does that still mean I’m on team monogamy?

“I know I’m worth a guy who’s REALLY into me. Only me. I can’t help it. I’m Midwestern that way, Illinois spoiled me.”

Want a guy’s view on monogamy? Babble deputy editor Jack Murnighan wrote: The Case for Monogamy: A Man’s perspective. Wondering, “Babble!? What the fuck is childfree Twanna doing reading a parenting blog?” They fall under the same company umbrella as Nerve magazine, where I wrote a sex & dating column a few years back; I still read all of their sites. Here’s Jack: “I’m a closet monogamist.” He says he likes the comfort, good-guy reputation and condom-free sex it provides. He goes on to say: “Monogamy is one of those rare things where both the reward and the struggle alone each justify the effort [...] Most impulses toward infidelity are ultimately either passing physical blips or signs that something else is wrong. If you go after the problems themselves, then the band-aid solution of cheating stops being worth it.”

Toward the end, it seems he conflates “cheating” (i.e. having sex with someone who isn’t your partner without their knowledge) and “sleeping with other people” (i.e. open relationships, swinging, polygamy, threesomes, etc.) That aside, I think he’s really on point. I suggest reading reading the whole piece: The Case for Monogamy: A Man’s perspective. That’s Jack Murnighan’s view. Now, I’d like to hear yours in the comments section below. If you feel comfortable doing so, don’t forget to tell us whether you’re male, female, straight, gay, single, married, dating or whatever to give us context.

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Photo credit: Alan Chan

According to the Kinsey Institute, the average erect, adult penis size is 5 to 6 1/2 inches. “Showers” are the same size flaccid or erect. “Growers” are typically 1 – 4 inches flaccid but — when they’re hard — they grow. I’m a straight woman, and I really like penetration. So, here’s where the calculations come in. Go Ask Alice, Columbia University’s sexual health site, says the average vaginal depth is 3 to 4 inches. But, we know the cervix and uterus rise during arousal — thus lengthening the lady canal an inch or two. Get it? Whip out your calculators and rulers. For the straight folks: shove a 5 – 6.5 inch erect penis inside a 5 – 6.5 (or so) inch aroused vagina. It’s a near perfect match. Waaaay too many heterosexual men worry about penis size. For the most part, most guys are juuuust right.

So, here’s the question, given the end result for “showers” and “growers” is roughly the same size (and fits comfortably into most vaginas), which would you rather — a “shower” who lets you know exactly what to expect or a “grower” who whips out a compact tool that surprises you with a BAM once it’s hard? My preference? I like both. Two of the biggest men I’ve ever been with were showers. They were long, thick, hard and delicious. That said, I’m also a fan of growers because I enjoy gawking at the physicality of arousal. Growers turn me on as I tug, squeeze, lick and suck them until they swell into big, hard, muscular fucking machines. What’s your preference? Or, if you’re one of the earth’s bedicked creatures, tell us: Which are you? A shower or a grower? (Psst! It’s okay. We’re all friends here; you can tell us. It will be our little secret.)

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Banana image by street artist -eko- (based on René Magritte’s “The Treachery of Images”)

Jumping right into today’s Manly Monday topic, I’ll ask: Is porn is ruining mens’ sex lives? First, a bit of backstory. Jérôme is in town, visiting from Paris. Last week, we grabbed dinner at a tiny Chinatown eatery — tucked away from Canal Street’s tourists — where the door’s signage was completely written in Chinese and the patrons didn’t speak English. Good food, and the conversation with Jérôme was even better.

[Best when read with a French accent.] “It is very weird, you know … what the internet is doing to sex.” The 25-year-old blond-haired, blue-eyed guy forks rice in his mouth and continues explaining he thinks there’s a difference mid-20somethings who grew up on the internet’s cusp and early 20-somethings (and teens) who’ve never really experienced a Firefox-free life. “When you sleep with these younger people, it is like porn. They have sex like they’re in a movie.” He describes a tryst with a chick who was 19. (SIDENOTE: At 25, Jérôme can still sleep with people that age without getting frustrated by the gap in sexual experience.) Anyway, so, he explains the chick rode him hard, let out a shrill and started screeching: “FUCK ME, BABY!!! OOOH, YEEEAAAAH. Like that! Fuck me deeper!!!!” As he’s talking, I start laughing. I really get a kick out of hearing people imitate others’ sex noises.

“So, I threw her off me,” Jérôme continues, “and I tell her, ‘Look, there are no cameras here. We’re not making a porno.’” He goes on to explain, when he was growing up, it was hard to find places to watch people having sex. “You had to work for it back then. You couldn’t just click and have access to porn. Now, younger people go on the internet when they are horny at 8 years old, and they have everything they want.”

I pause as “The Internet Is for Porn” from Avenue Q runs through my brain. “Actually,” I tell him, “when you think about it, that’s pretty deep. It’s possible to watch tons of ‘real’ sexual experiences before you’ve actually done it. I have to believe that shapes what people think sex actually is and how they perform it.”

Jérôme agrees. We crawl deeper in the discussion, though I’m still not convinced porn spoils sex — for men or women. For example, in bed, I’ve had guys do porn-like positions and say things like “I want you to cum on my face” and “I want to fuck that sexy body” and other things that sound very, well, “porny.” Is that inherently bad (or good), I don’t necessarily think so. I’ve got antiporn activist Gail Dines’ new book Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked our Sexuality on my coffee table at home, and I’ll read it soon. However, generally speaking, I think porn — like most media — is simply a tool. It can be helpful when it arouses, stimulates and inspires sexual creativity. It can have the opposite affect if it diminishes sexual pleasure by reducing our ideas about what’s “really” sex and how it’s supposed to be enjoyed. But, those are just my thoughts. How about you? Do you think porn ruins mens’ sex lives or does it make their experiences even better?

[Note: This post is about men; however, see this comment about women. Equal opportunity lies :) Carry on.] AskMen.com recently completed a big fat survey of the modern man. Is he satisfied with his sex life? Would he cheat if he knew he wouldn’t get caught? Is he romantic? Among their findings … The majority of American men prefers C-cup breasts (52%), has never had a threesome but wants to (60%) and desires to get married (74%). What’s more? A full 48% said they would dump a girlfriend if she became fat, and 32% of guys have faked an orgasm.

When completing quantitative social statistics courses for my masters, one of my professors constantly reminded: There’s often a discrepancy between what individuals believe they do, what they say they do and what they actually do. Want real-life examples of this? Sign up for online dating. I’ve done Match, JDate, Nerve personals and a bunch of other sites. On on more than one occasion, I’ve had guys show up for the date and I didn’t even recognize them because they looked so incredibly different from the picture they posted. If you’d like to learn more about what men actually do when they’re looking for women online, free online dating site OK Cupid compiled observations and statistics from millions of user interactions. For what it’s worth, 64% of the men surveyed on AskMen.com said they’d never met a woman online. That could mean AskMen.com dudes aren’t the kind of folks you’d find listed on OK Cupid so the data below don’t apply. Or, it could mean AskMen.com guys have signed up for sites like OK Cupid, but they didn’t meet anyone. Or, it could indicate something else entirely. Anyway, here are a quick summary of a few items reported in OK Cupid’s The Big Lies People Tell In Online Dating.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR HEIGHT

The average American male height is 5 ft 9 1⁄2 in. (That’s 1.763 m for the international folks.) In the graph below, OK Cupid compared this against what dudes say in their online dating profiles and voila! Surprise, surprise. Men lie about their height. What’s more? The taller they are, the more likely they are to round up. A 5’10″ man might say he’s 6’0″. To be fair, I’ve lied about my height on online dating profiles too. I’m 5 ft 5 1⁄2. However, given I prefer guys my height or taller, I say I’m 5’7″ because I almost always wear heels on the first date; I want meet the guy eye to eye.

“Do taller guys have more sex?”

Interestingly, OK Cupid says the taller the guy, the more likely he is to have sex. Though, if a dude is lying about his height online, it’s possible he’s lying about his number of sex partners, too. That said, I can believe tall dudes score more action simply because it’s easier for them. When I meet REALLY tall guys, I immediately think: He must have a big dick. No matter how many times this has proved be untrue, it’s still the first thing that comes to mind when I see a 6’0″ or taller dude. Big. Dick.

MEN LIE ABOUT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE

I once wrote a “You Should Look Like Your Fucking Photo” rant about guys who post old photos of themselves on Match and elsewhere. Here’s a tip … Want to know how old a guy’s online dating profile pictures are? Right click the image to download and save it. Open it in your favorite photo browser and click “properties” or “settings” or whatever to access the file’s digital information. If he’s got a decent camera, the EXIF metadata will tell you when the picture was taken. Although I don’t think my face or body has changed much in the past years, I’ve always made a point to post recent, non-professional snapshots when I was on Match and other dating sites. After all, the whole point is to show the dude what I look like now.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE

On rare occasions, I’ve asked dudes to show me their ID on dates. You’d be surprised how often men lie about their age.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY

“I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes — a bisexual man with many many years of dick slurping experience — showed me how.”

A couple of my exes are bisexual. I’ve been interviewed for documentaries on bisexual men such as Arielle Loren’s The Bi-deology Project. If you’re interested in learning more, here on FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, I’ve written Straight Woman Dating Bisexual / Bi Curious Guys as well as A Few More Thoughts About Bisexual Guys. Generally speaking, I don’t care if a guy is bi. On the contrary, guy-on-guy action turns me on. Some bisexual guys aren’t completely comfortable with their status and, therefore, lie to their partners. In fact, OK Cupid said their user data on bisexual dudes is so fascinating that it warrants a full study if its own. Once it’s published, you can be sure I’ll write a post about it.

Okay, so I’ve told you about a few things I’ve experienced with men who lie on their online dating profiles. Men, women, if any you have funny stories about catching someone stretch the truth in their online dating profile, feel free to share the details in the comments section below.

Watch out Isaiah Mustafa. Oh Doctah‘s coming after you.

If you visit this site on a regular basis, you may know we usually celebrate “Manly Monday” at the top of each week by giving a nod to something/someone manly. Yesterday was an anomaly; I posted an update to let you know why I went MIA. So, getting back on schedule, today’s pick is kind of a “Testicle Tuesday.”

I recently discovered Steve Jobs’ Stanford commencement address on Ted. I knew he was co-founder of Apple and former CEO of Pixar, but I didn’t know his background. Abandoned by his biological mother, he was raised by a working class woman who didn’t finish college and a high school dropout father. To quote Barry Switzer, some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. That hardly sounds like Jobs’ story. To be sure, he has a level a privilege. At the same time, based on his words, I get the impression he didn’t have much handed to him very easily in life. In my mind, his success is therefore all the more inspiring. Watch the clip. Particularly, I’m interested in what he says about following your passions.

“You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future,” Jobs says in the video clip above. “You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart — even when it leads you off the well-worn path. And, that will make all the difference.”

Easier said than done. I often feel awkward when I talk to people with EXTREMELY linear career paths. You know the type: John Doe majored in XX, took an entry-level job in XX and is now the VP of XX at XX, Inc. They seem so put together as they march from A to B to C.

I’ve followed my intuition and made what I thought were “good decisions” with whatever limited amount of information I had. At times, I didn’t succeed at things I wished I had. In other instances, I’ve experienced successes at points I expected failure. Hardly a linear career path, I’ve taken high school students on educational excursions to Greece to learn about Homer, worked as a bartender in London, managed a film program where Roger Ebert taught, completed a stint at an American Embassy abroad and done other things simply because I thought they’d be interesting. It’s as if I go through life marching from Point A to B to π (3.14159…) to Q to 72. It’s all a learning process, and I’ve collected an expansive and eclectic skill set along the way. For example, I don’t know if I would’ve had the courage to stick in out in New York if I hadn’t survived living in London on my own. I’m not sure I would’ve felt comfortable pouring my private life into a memoir if I didn’t already have 5+ years doing it on Funky Brown Chick and elsewhere. It’s like that line in Desiderata, “[W]hether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” I instinctively know that, but sometimes it’s good to hear it again. So, thank you TED (and Steve Jobs) for the reminder.