MYTH: “If you have sex while you’re on your period, there’s absolutely no way for you to get pregnant.”

DIRECT VIDEO LINK:

youtube.com/watch?v=EY49Y1y1zz8

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

“M” (age 27): “If you have sex while you’re on your period, there’s absolutely no way for you to get pregnant. Think about it. You’re bleeding. Where’s the egg gonna go? It’s like a totally inhospitable landscape in there.”

Eve Espey, MD: “Eggs can find an oasis in any landscape. The truth is: There’s no absolutely safe time. For one thing, not every episode of bleeding is an actual period. So, just remember to be covered 100% of the time.”

My $0.02 [not included in video, special bonus for FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers]: “In case you’re wondering, But, aren’t there times that are more safe than others for barebacking?! and/or How does ovulation work?, check out National Institutes of Health’s blow-by-blow description of ovulation. “Fertile days,” they explain, “are the days a woman is most likely to get pregnant.” So, theoretically, you won’t get pregnant if you avoid your fertile days, right? Wrong. There’s a catch (or two or three). Sperm loves vagina. In fact, sperm loves hanging out in the vag so much that it’s able to stay alive in there for up to 3 to 5 days after sex. Plus, it’s not wholly possible to know exactly when a woman is going to ovulate anyway. And, very few women have naturally 100% regular menstrual cycles. Long story short: If you’re having sex and you don’t want to get pregnant, use birth control.

“Unlike sex, when it comes to credit cards, I don’t remember my first.” That’s the opener to Rachel’s piece It Happened to Me: I Declared Bankruptcy. Speaking of firsts, in case you missed it, from the show Fourplay TV, here’s a clip about the first time I came. It includes tips for female vaginal orgasms. Hint: Buy a sex toy.

If that fails, the delicious cocktail The Orgasm, is quite delicious, too! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm_%28cocktail%29

Thanks for your patience, my lovelies! I had to take the site down for a couple days to accommodate backend updates but, luckily, we’re back up and running now. On with the show! Recently, I read a slightly unsettling piece of news. Apparently, according to a Jezebel article titled What Does Flirting Have To Do With It?, American women are the world’s most unsuccessful flirters. I shared the piece on my Facebook, and I privately told friends I was on a mission to flirt more — ESPECIALLY with totally inappropriate targets for my affection. “I’m sorry,” my guy pal Billy Rodriguez* responded. “How is this different from any other time [you've flirted]?” Good point. I love flirting. With boys, girls, cats, dogs, books, etc. It’s not so much about getting the target between my legs, it’s just about appreciating how beautiful the world can be. Beautiful smiles dotted by dimples. Beautiful personalities filled with wonderful senses of humors. Beautiful bodies nicely toned with muscle. Flirting is fun.

“Your friend [redacted] is quite a charmer,” a female NY pal mentioned over drinks last night. “I could learn from him.”

“Yeah, but he’s a charmer not a good flirter.” I told her I didn’t like guys who were overly charming because they feast on women with low self-esteem. “Only someone who doesn’t believe they are beautiful wants a charming stranger to tell them, You’re so beautiful. It seems so insincere and silly.”

She disagreed. “There’s a difference between slimy men who spread bullshit and people with authentically boisterous and upbeat personalities. Like you. You do that with men. You’re a charmer.”

I couldn’t help feeling different. “No, I don’t think I’m insincere.”

“Neither are all men who tell women they look beautiful.”

Touché. Maybe she has a point. So, in an effort spread the flirtfest around, here’s a Howcast video about playfully arousing sexual interest. I think most flirting advice, flirting body language and flirting techniques are instinctual, no? For example: If you like a guy, OF COURSE you’ll look into his eyes while you’re talking to him, right? That said, some of my more introverted friends have said letting someone know you like them can be tough. And, yeah, I’ll admit it, if I’m talking to a guy I’m REALLY into, I get weird, awkward and super self conscious. Anyway. Instructional flirting video and transcript are below. Also, you might check out eHow’s How to Flirt Via Text Message and AskMen.com’s Online Flirting advice.

TRANSCRIPT:

There isn’t just an art to flirting—there’s a science! Use these proven methods to charm and seduce. To complete this How-To you will need a positive attitude and a healthy dose of self-confidence.

• Step 1: Begin with a bright smile—one that comes from your eyes as well as your lips.

• Step 2: Say hello and then ask a question that requires more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, “What do you think of the band?” or “Where are we, anyway?” Tip: Forget cheesy pick-up lines. According to one study, a simple “Hi” is the most successful opening line.

• Step 3: Keep the conversation light. The object is to banter, not get bogged down in a serious discussion.

• Step 4: Fiddle a little—with your hair, your jewelry, your clothing. People do this subconsciously when they are attracted to someone. Doing it intentionally excites the other person by subliminally telegraphing your interest.

• Step 5: Put a fun spin on whatever you say. Everyone is attracted to a person with a good sense of humor. Tip: Don’t break eye contact, unless the person is showing you something. Someone who can’t take their eyes off you is very intriguing.

• Step 6: Lean in as the person talks. It will make him or her feel fascinating—and find you fascinating in return. Tip: Not sure the person you’re flirting with is interested? Look at his or her feet. If they’re pointing in your direction, you’re scoring!

• Step 7: Touch the person lightly on his arm or hand to create a little sexual tension. Just keep it above the belt!

• Step 8: When it’s time to go, give a brief hug or a peck on the cheek to convey warmth and reinforce your interest. Happy hunting!

————————–
It’s okay. I can call out Billy on my site. The discretion / ‘no names’ policy only applies to men I’ve slept with.

“What are three qualities you’re looking for in men you date?” Last weekend in DC, that’s the question a guy friend lobbed at me while sipping Patron. Having told me he likes fun women with happy dispositions who don’t live in messy apartments, he was curious about my tastes. In no particular order, I gave him a short list: someone who makes me feel just as good as I did — or better than — before I met him, and someone with an attractive/appealing personality. “Oh,” I added, “and he has to know how to fight.” Physical altercations are NOT hot, and I wouldn’t date a dude punched people — not other guys and definitely not women. That said, I definitely need a guy with a fighter’s spirit. He has to stand up for himself, and be passionate enough about something to compete or struggle for it.

I certainly don’t believe people should always date others who are exactly like them. I’ll link up with men from various ethnicities, age groups and religious backgrounds. “I don’t have to agree about everything with a guy,” I told the friend, “but it’s important to be on the same team when it comes to issues that matter.” I explained I’m in shape, and I like running. Consequently, my vagina doesn’t like guys who don’t take care of themselves. On the financial front — having gotten into a lot of credit card debt and a previous cycle of overspending — I’ve spent years cleaning up my credit, building savings and establishing more healthy attitudes toward money. I wouldn’t settle down with a dude with horrendously reckless shopping habits.

“So, it’s like what Chris Rock said about crackheads?” the DC friend offered.

“Huh?”

“Crackheads. Look it up.”

When I returned to New York, that’s exactly what I did. Here’s Chris Rock: “Whatever you’re into, your woman’s gotta be into, too, and vice versa. Or, the shit ain’t gonna work. lt ain’t gonna work. That’s right. lf you’re born-again, your woman’s gotta be born-again, too. lf you’re a crackhead, your woman’s gotta be a crackhead, too … You can’t be like, ‘I’m going to church, where you going?’ [He says] ‘Hitting the pipe!’ That relationship ain’t going nowhere. Two crackheads can stay together forever.”

I’m not a crackhead, but I am an independent and fairly subversive woman. If I dated a pushover, I’d resent his passivity and wouldn’t respect him. How about you? What are your deal breakers and core values that your partners must share?

—————————–

Photo by Kate Gardiner

“I’m excited that they’ve broken free of whatever messages we all receive about how a women is ‘supposed’to act, and instead they are bent on active however they damn well please.”

Standing the post office decorated with silver PO boxes and uniformed employees with navy trousers and baby blue shirts, I use fingernails and teeth to tear open the bubble wrapped coated envelope. My friend Rachel’s freshly published book, Fast Girls: Erotica for Women, has arrived. Yay! I’m really proud of Rach for churning out another smart and interesting project. A Fast Girl, she writes in Fast Is A (Sexy) State of Mind, “[is] the kind of babe who takes no prisoners, who owns her life and her sexuality and not only doesn’t apologize for them, makes sure you notice her and what she’s all about.” My eyes zoom over the next words, commas and periods as I read about women I aspire (and am inspired) to be.

“What I love about these fast girls is that even as they are bold, daring and dynamic, they have a thing or two to learn about sex and themselves [...] It’s not about trying to slut it up to impress anyone, but about finding what works for you [...] I’m excited that they’ve broken free of whatever messages we all receive about how a women is ‘supposed’ to act, and instead they are bent on active however they damn well please.”

As New Yorkers trickle in and out of the building to pick up their mail, I whip out my phone. Flashing pictures in the 1.0 post office, I send 2.0 images of the book’s cover to my Twitter, Facebook and Foursquare. In 140-character updates, I congratulate Rachel and encourage people to buy her book. A thin fellow brown person a few inches from my left shoulder — a guy who appears to be in his mid-40s — raises an eyebrow. I garble rapid sentences to explain, but his expressionless face morphs as he drags his mouth’s left corner to a smirk. Crawling my body with his glance, he slowly responds, “I like that.” Taking pause, I’m suddenly acutely self-aware of how I possibly appear in his eyes. He makes me feel dirty as I imagine the story he might tell a group of guys later.

HIM: “Okay, so, I’m at the post office on 42nd Street, right? In walks this black woman. She’s stands shoulder to shoulder with me. Then, she gnaws open a package of lesbian smut with a white girl on the cover and starts taking pictures of it like she’s the fucking paparazzi and this book is a celebrity.”

HIS DUDES: “What?!?! You’re lying. This sounds like one of those Penthouse Variations letters.”

HIM: “See, that’s my point. The girl casually mentions her friend actually WORKS at Penthouse. It’s the same girl who sent her the book.”

HIS DUDES: “Sounds like this chick was hitting on you. So, what’s the book?”

HIM: “You ready for this? Fast Girls: Erotica for Women.”

HIS DUDES: [high fiving each other] “I bet she’s a freak!!!! Did you get her number?”

And, here’s where I get to my point. Yes, the guy in the post office asked for my number. No, I didn’t give it to him. (I’ve already been going on dates with a couple guys, and I’d slept with one of them the night before. Not looking for additional dudes.) I could be completely wrong but, from his reaction and our brief interaction, I got the impression the guy at the post office thought I was a freaky, slutty, horny lesbian looking to turn him out. I could turn him out if I wanted to, but I’m not a freaky, slutty, horny lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, if this country needs anything, it’s more freaky, slutty, horny lesbians. But, we also need more men who understand how to handle women who are extremely comfortable with their sexuality. At the moment, the assumption is often: You must be one of those fast girls.

Yes, in fact, I am. However, it remains to be seen how many guys really understand what that means. Are you a fast girl? Do you want to know more about these women?  Read Fast Girls: Erotica for Women. I know, a shameless plug for a friend’s book, right? Here are a couple recommendations for books written by people I don’t know personally: Sexy Book of Sexy Sex arrived the same day Rachel’s did, and Erotic Revolutionaries: Black Women, Sexuality, and Popular Culture has been shipped. It should arrive in my box shortly; wonder what reaction I’ll receive at the post office for that one.

Erin Meanley, a dating blogger at Glamour, created a list of “key experiences every singleton should savor before they couple up.” List is below. I’ve checked off stuff I’ve already done and there’s still lots to tick off; looking forward to doing it all — whether single or dating.

To Build Your Confidence…
1. Go to a movie alone.
2. Lift weights.
3. Try surfing, water-skiing, or some activity you don’t already know how to do. Could be riding a bicycle. [I'd love to go surfing. Already tackled hiking, skiing, playing pick up soccer and successfully completing adult swim classes.]
4. Take out the trash, set a mousetrap, do your taxes, build a bookcase.
5. Live alone, or at least move apartments in NYC without the help of family.
6. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon.
7. Go to a scary doctor’s appointment by yourself.
8. Quit your job.
9. Fly to a foreign country by yourself.
10. Learn to stand up for yourself.

To Be Able to Look Back and Say “I Had Fun”…
11. Witness something once-in-a-lifetime, like Jokulsarlon, a lake next to a melting glacier in Iceland.
12. Revel in being able to watch all the reality TV you want.
13. Get drunk during the day, just because you can. Attend Santacon, the convention for Santas, or something similar. [Living in Europe and/or being a soccer fan also granted the freedom to do this.]
14. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous.
15. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks. [I used to date younger men, but I'm thinking of going older.]
16. Go out with a guy who makes you laugh ‘til it hurts.

To Get Perspective…
17. Be a good wingwoman. It’s not always about you.
18. Chill with your widowed and single grandma. She knows “alone”!
19. Volunteer.

To Make You Appreciate the Next Guy…
20. Do at least one Valentine’s Day alone. [Oh, I was supposed to do only ONE??? ;)]
21. Attend a wedding (or 15) alone.
22. Date the creeps. You’ll really value the nice guys afterward.

To Make You Feel Sexy and Attractive…
23. Buy yourself some flowers.
24. Invest in a LBD (little black dress) and some sexy stilettos.
25. Sit at a bar by yourself and drink a martini.
26. Buy something frivolous and expensive that you LOVE wearing.

To Make the Most of Your Free Time…
27. Finish all your schooling if you can.
28. Throw yourself into something time-consuming, like learning a foreign language.

To Make Yourself a Better Partner in the Future…
29. Make a list of all your faults. [Probably a good idea to do this.]
30. Learn to cook well.
31. Get some hobbies. [Film, art, soccer, travel, politics, etc.]
32. Let your married friends edit your online dating profile.
33. Get your finances in order.

To Appreciate Being Single…
34. Babysit someone’s baby for an hour.
35. Help a friend through her divorce or a bad break-up.
36. Host a girls-only night. I think some coupled-up women forget how much we need each other.

“Romantic love is a drive. In fact, I think it’s more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask someone to go to bed with you and they say “no thank you” you certainly don’t kill yourself or slip into a depression. But, certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love with kill for it. People live for love, kill for love and will die for it.”

Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, Why We Love and Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray

Heads up: The video clip above is 20+ minutes. It’s a bit long, but it’s thought-provoking and worth watching. I’m much more drawn to these kinds of discussions than the fluffy “Top 10 Ways To Turn Your Man on TONIGHT!!!!” stuff.

When I tweeted I was considering writing about body image issues today, I got a few positive responses from the folks at Single Minded Women and others. So, here we go … I’m not a “Tits & Ass Man’s” choice. Despite what Sir Mix-A-Lot says, my butt will never look “like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.” (See Exhibit Badonkadonk: A Picture of My Ass.) The boobies on my chest will always be humble nibbles. (See Exhibit A-Cup: A video of my breasts.) I can make light of this and laugh now, but it wasn’t always that way. I spent much of my teens and my early 20s disliking my body. I wanted to be bigger, curvier and more attractive to men. I figured people who looked like me didn’t get asked out as much as the women with breastier and more bootilicious assets.

Like many (but not all) women, I sometimes have a horrible habit of giving unnecessary attention to things I don’t like about my body. When I was really thin, I wanted curves. Now that I’m a normal weight, I watch what I eat. I’ve since learned there’s no such thing as one perfect body, and I’m developing a healthier relationship with food. Whenever I start freaking out about my size, I divert my thoughts, energy, effort and attention to things that are more important to me — like my writing career, finishing my book, developing deeper spirituality, thinking about my dreams & aspirations and spending time with my family. Besides, I figure everyone has a “Best Physical Trait,” a winning ticket or two. Ages ago, when one of my exes boythings — a cute, white French Canadian brunette with a cute smile — asked which feature I thought was my best asset, I very happily told him my legs:

Inspired by Tina Turner, I strut those things around and show ‘em off in miniskirts and dresses. Seriously, I’ve gotta hand it to Miss Anna Mae Bullock. EVERYONE notices her lower limbs. Former President George W. Bush called them “the most famous in showbusiness.” They’ve also been lauded as simply the best. Hell, even The Onion joked she had a $3.2 million insurance policy on those babies in the satirical piece, Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money. Hats off to her! When I’m 69, I can only hope I look as great as she does. I think she’s gorgeous, and it’s not just about her legs. Rising from a humble and abusive background, she found happiness and blew everyone by accomplishing a lot in her career. But, back to the shallow stuff: I think she’s hot :) So, now, tell me about you. What would you say is your best physical asset and/or which trait do you notice most in men or women that interest you?

“Actually, in all honesty, I don’t even know where my uterus specifically is,” says Danielle from Knotty Yarn, “but I imagine it’s somewhere in the…middle..part…of the torso. Near the other pipes and tubes that..regulate…stuff.” When I heard Danielle tell the story at BlogHer, I laughed because she was really funny and she was a great storyteller. At the same time, the more I thought about it, I wondered how many of my other female compatriots didn’t understand where their uteri and clitorises were. Soooo … Because every woman and girl should know what she looks like below, here’s a video. Clip courtesy of Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross. Love their tagline: “Liberating Women One Orgasm at a Time.” If the clip above doesn’t load, view it on YouTube.

Reading the transgendered piece on BlogHer reminded me I never wrote about attending and speaking at the their annual conference. Quite honestly, initially, I worried the vast majority of attendees would be mommybloggers and I thought I — a New York-dwelling, single, avidly childfree, funky brown chick — would be the odd woman out :( I didn’t really know what to expect. I’d met Elisa Camahort Page on previous occasions, but I didn’t know her very well nor had I yet experienced the pleasure meeting Lisa Stone and Jory Des Jardins in person. Also, it was my first BlogHer annual conference; so, I thought I’d have a good time at a nice event for passionate mommybloggers doing great things in business and online, but that would be it.

I’m happy to report the conference was even better than I thought it would be. Sessions included “Women of Color and Marketing,” LGBTQ roundtables and other diversity-centered talks. The shindig (and corresponding parties!) were well-organized, high-quality, informative and FUN. I’d undoubtedly forget a few events if I tried to list each of my favorites; so, I won’t. However, I definiltey wanted to blog about my FAVORITE part of the conferece — The Community Keynote. Instead of reserving the floor for a big shot, well-known speaker, this particular piece of the conference highlights ordinary women navigating extraordinarily human experiences. Stories included: Issa‘s heart-breaking tale about her mentally ill, homeless Uncle Marky; Karen Walrond’s inspiring Reflections On Why the Election of Barack Obama Affected Me So Deeply; Sheri Reed‘s brutally honest piece “Amends” about alcoholism; and Danielle Henderson‘s funny story about a multi-day trial of a tampon lodged in her vagina after having sex with her husband. The latter didn’t go to the doctor for nearly a week because, “In my family, going to the doctor to have a foreign object removed from your body is a total ‘dick move’.”) Watch the entire Community Keynote below:

Also, be sure to check out my co-panelists’ fabulous blogs!! They’re online: The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond; social media guru Laura Roeder; and veteran online marketer Susan Getgood)