“What IS today’s definition of a slut?!?!”

 About Women, Culture, Relationships  26 Responses »
Sep 112008
 

Thanks to Gawker, I’m much more excited about the state of dating in NYC and much less likely to hang myself. Last Tuesday, I wrote a blog post about a 2007 chart showing the male-to-female ratio in American cities. A couple days later, Gawker said, “Remember that male:female demographic map that statistically charted the surplus single females across the nation and made every single woman in New York want to hang herself? Turns out it was somewhat misleading [...]” Apparently, a totally amazing kickass person named Jonathan Soma shares my numbers fetish and rejiggered the map to make it adjustable by age. Go click the arrows and play with the map; seriously, it’s really fun!!! “So there is, it turns out,” Gawker explains, “probably a surplus of single young dudes, and an absolute paucity of single old dudes.” (Granted, this doesn’t account for the fact that each gay male pairing knocks out two eligible men but, whatever, it’s waaay too earlier to reconsider adding that variable to the map.)

I see men in my future. LOTS of them!!! :) Pop the chilled champagne and bring out the Trojan condoms. Oh, but, wait: How much can I indulge before I get that “slut” bumper sticker attached to my shiny forehead? “Don’t worry,” some of you are saying, “it’s already there, you just can’t see it!” Gee, thanks. On a more serious note, the “What’s the definition of a slut?” question has been swimming my brain’s fluids for nearly a week. First, we had the VMAs–Russell Brand joked he wanted to ‘capture’ the Jonas Brothers‘ collection of purity rings and Jordin Sparks defended the virginal jewelry saying something like, “not everyone wants to be a slut, okay?!?!” So, those are the choices: you’re either a repressed, purity ring-wearing virgin or a slutty chick who hangs out spread eagle on her bed just waiting for the long line of men to enter?! Oh, wow.

“What IS today’s definition of a slut?” a woman named Andrea Davis asked after noticing I posted Jezebel’s response to conversation on The View on my Facebook. One of my high school buds, Heidi C., also commented:

Purity rings are a joke. (Frankly, The View is a joke too. Both are superficial in their content and don’t examine the core of the matter.) Does it matter to you, personally, to maintain “sexual purity?” ‘Cause if you’re looking at the Bible and literally holding it to be true, then even looking at somebody else while having sexual desire for that person would be equivalent to breaking one of the Ten Commandments. “Thy shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” People that wear these rings still have sexual drives. To not acknowledge this basic fact of human life absurd. You could compare the purity rings to using wallpaper to cover a hole in the wall. Yeah, you’re making a statement, but the hole in the wall – or the sex drive – is still there and nothing that you can tell or show others is going to cover up the truth.

Wow!! VERY WELL SAID!!! Couldn’t have said it any better myself. How about you, dear readers? Any comments about purity rings? Or wanna take a stab at finishing this statement: “I think today’s definition of a slut is _____.”

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Credit Paid: Big drippy kisses and THANK YOUs go out to Peggy B. giving me the heads up about the Gawker article!!

Kind Kisses: Friends with Benefits

 About Men, About Women  33 Responses »
Jul 232008
 

By now, you’ve probably seen the brilliant “Your Handy Guide to Friends with Benefits” my lovely pals over at Boinkology cooked up. I see absolutely no problem with sexing it up with a bud of a different (or same if that’s your inclination) sex as long as neither one wants it to be something more. I have male friends, and I’ve slept with a few of them. Rewind to Millenium Park in Chicago. Four year ago. My friend … um, fuck, I should give him a fake name … Let’s call him Biffo.

“She won’t leave me alone,” Biffo says as he pops a cold purple grape in his mouth. We’ve slipped a small blanket topped with a bottle of red wine, gouda cheese, strawberries and grapes between us and the grass. We’re waiting for the summer outdoor classical music concert to begin.

“Who won’t leave you alone?” I ask wondering which of Biffo’s many psychopathic / fucked up / wacko floozies is the culprit now. He likes ‘em crazy. He once told me: Having a crazy girlfriend is like having a wild African tiger as a pet. The other guys have cute little kitties named “Precious”, but I have a tiger. Apparently this tiger’s name in Ayalah.

“Ayalah,” he tells me.

“Who’s Ayalah?”

“Ayalah’s this Israeli girl I met over break. She’s a stripper. We were friends but then we began sleeping together and now she won’t leave me alone.”

We talk about Biffo and Ayalah’s (supposedly) past sex life. He tells me that he broke it off with her, and I assume he’s telling the truth. When we’re both single and horny, Biffo and I sleep together. We’re adults. He knows that I’ve slept with other people in my past, and I know he has too. But something seems off about his Ayalah story. “What do you mean?” I ask.

“I told her that I don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t like her. I just want to be friends, but she won’t get in through her head that we’re not going to date. It’s like I see it in her eyes. She still has hope. And, she keeps calling me,” he rubs his temples, “She’s always calling me.”

“Well, stop fucking her,” I laugh at the absurdity.

“Why do you assume I’m still sleeping with her?” Biffo asks before growing really quiet.

“Sweetie, I know women. If this woman keeps calling you … If you’re telling her that you only wanna be friends but she think it’s something more, it’s because you’re obviously still sleeping with her.”

“You think you know everything,” Biffo says in that I’m-angry-but-I-don’t-wanna-show-it voice.

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Sleeping with her?”

“No.”

“No since when?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean when’s the last time she sucked your dick or you slipped your penis inside of her. Has she tugged you off? I mean, ‘When’s the last time or you did anything sexual?’” If he wants to throw me silly questions, I’ll play his game. Besides, I know men. If you don’t ask for specifics, you’ll get a mush of nondescript answers. ;)

“Last Tuesday.”

“You slept with this chick last Tuesday?!?!”

Biffo doesn’t respond.

“No wonder she thinks she’s still got a shot!”

The concert starts and Biffo barely speaks to me for the rest of the evening. He hates it that I know women better than he does. ;)

Here’s a question for you today, my lovely readers: Do you think it’s possible for two people who find each other sexually attractive (and who’ve slept with each other) to maintain a friendship after the sex stops? I’m especially curious to see if there’s any pattern in guys’ opinions on the topics vs. womens.’ You know the drill; use the comments section to share your thoughts on the matter.

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Photo credit: Image appears online at Boinkology. Click to go to the original article.

Manly Monday: Why Do Men Date GILFs, MILFs and Other Older Women?

 About Men, About Women, Manly Mondays, Relationships  18 Responses »
Jul 212008
 

“Harold is 20, very rich and very suicidal. Maude is 79¾, very poor and so full of a sympathetic life-force that she grieves for a small tree, suffocating in the city’s pollution,” reads the original 1971 New York Times review of Hal Ashby’s cult classic Harold and Maude. Great flick. Rent it if you haven’t seen it. Best part? The hot cougar-on-cub GILF sex scene. Soooo worth it. Wondering “what does GILF stand for?” Let’s just say it’s a grandma I’d like to … “Whaaaaa? He boinks a grandma?” Yep.

Why this topic today? Well, like every Monday here at the brown (funky brown that is), it’s Manly Monday. I wanna talk about younger men who date older women because I recently randomly stumbled upon Wikipedia’s age disparity in sexual relationships page. (EVERYTHING is on that site these days, but that’s a topic for a different post.) Anyway, so, halfway down the page, I see the “motives” section. Factors leading into a search for a younger individual with whom to share an intimate relationship can vary wildly, they say. A common perception is that younger mates serve the purpose of a ‘trophy’, or object of status. Hmmm … methinks they had older men / younger women pairings in mind. After all, no one ever accuses older women who date younger men of hunting for ‘trophy husbands’ do they?

Long ago, circa 2001, I used to think men who lusted after older women had unresolved mommy issues. Now, I don’t believe those dudes are pathological at all. I think some men just like their women older. Period. But, I’m curious … Any guys out there have a preference for older women? Ladies, any of you have a preference for younger men? And, if so, why? I typically like younger men because they’re less likely to have exwives, “my exgirlfriend damaged me” issues, kids or other drama. Y’all know I can’t stand kids — unless, of course, they’re my nephews. But, I digress. So, spill it: Besides the sex, why do you think younger men and older women hook up?

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Related funky brown posts:

PS: Hope you all enjoyed great weekends!!! In case you were wondering what I did … I spent Friday night chowing on Dos Caminos‘ mole covered enchiladas and sipping margaritas with Kathy, Bro and Nashwa. Saturday, I saw The Last Mistress by myself, brunched at Rafaella in Chelsea with Desiree, went with Rachel and Nichelle to witness Neal Medlyn’s bulge in tighty whities and had Pinkberry fro-yo with Julie followed by drinks with a boy at Turks & Frogs down in the West Village. Sunday, I rested. Brunch with Karlyn and Bro followed by a quiet evening vegging at home.

This is How to Have Good Sex

 About Men, About Women, Relationships  12 Responses »
Jul 152008
 

She’s in his bedroom lying on her back. He sticks his fingertips in her belly button and makes her stomach quiver. Then, he grabs her white panties with both hands and slides them down her legs. Staring at his prey, the hot Frenchman with a Spanish last name pulls his dark sweater over head & arms and mounts the woman who is, of course, married to a man who doesn’t know where his wife is.

Scandalous. You’ve seen Unfaithful, no? Hottest Sex. Scenes. Ever. Well, technically, the second hottest scenes. Y tu mamá también wins 1st place for the nice thr33some and guy-on-guy action. I’m a fan of that stuff. And, oooh, oooh, oooh, let’s not forget that scene in Love Jones. You know, THAT scene. Anyway, so, a coupla days ago, a reader named Dave asked me, “[I]n your experience, however vast or limited that may be, have you enjoyed the sex with the taller guys or the men closer to your stature?” The best sex I ever had was with this cherubic-looking, hippy “music writer” dude who (I think) played hacky sack when he was off (and on)the clock. That was more than 4 years ago, but I’m STILL amazed by the way that man moved his warm tongue, fingers and everything else inside of me. It wasn’t a night filled with fearless acrobatic feats or anything like that. The boy was just, you know, skilled, focused and really determined to please.

“Girl, didn’t you know?” my girlfriend Diana told me. “Hippies give out the best sex. It’s all that unconventional, messy, unbridled shit,” she said. I thought that was funny! If you’re feeling bold today, use the comments section to share your last “good sex” experience. (Keep it PG-13 & R, folks, no X.) Or, if you prefer — men, women, trannies, tell us your vote for “Best Sex Scene” ever caught on film.

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Credit: Big fat thank you to Des [NSFW] for blogging about Unfaithful!!
See also: The 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema

Cupcakes Get Me Hot & Bothered

 About Women, Happiness, New York Stories  12 Responses »
Jul 102008
 

What’s sexier than cupcakes? Nothing. Oooh, yes! Cupcakes. Quick! Someone buy one, rub the frosting all over me and help me lick it off.  ;)  As I mentioned in my earlier post today, I felt like crap when I woke up this morning. I totally rebounded after a good night’s sleep, a full morning spent in bed, lunch with sweet little Rachel Kramer Bussel and, of course, a cupcake. Video follows. YouTube has been TOTALLY misbehaving lately. So, if you get the “This Video Is No Longer Available” error, click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JphguBrV4BY.

See full review & other great cupcake stuff on Cupcakes Take the Cake

How to Shave: Slick Summer Bodies

 About Women  18 Responses »
Jul 032008
 

Before my warm shower this morning, I hadn’t removed hair from my armpits, legs and random private bits in almost a week. I felt furry. Typically, I like to keep that sh!t in order, but I’d been slipping a bit because, quite frankly, I’m not having sex on a regular basis. “No one’s going to rub up against my legs,” I figure, “so I doesn’t matter if they aren’t smooth 100% of the time.”

My current low-action sex & dating life be damned, I decided to give my legs the royal treatment. As usual, I woke up at 6:30am today, took off my clothes and barefooted my nude body to the shower. Opening the glass door, I stepped in, turned on the water and got ready to shave. I’ve been loving on the Schick Quattro for Women ever since I received a free one from a lovely woman who knows how much I love running my fingers across my legs when they’re smooth. So, I was like 100% ready to remove all the tiny hairs from my legs; but, unfortunately, I was completely out of cream.  :(  I’ll pick some up on the way home tonight & I’ll get smooth-leg action on again during my next shower. The new Schick is a great razor, and I highly recommend it to anyone seeking nick-free legs. In the meantime, just in case I’ve got any female readers out there who want the inside scoop to achieving slick, sexy, summer-ready legs, here’s a step-by-step video.

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Photo of sunning Tyra appears online at 36inchesofbrownlegs.blogspot.com

Le Matin après le Ménage à trois

 About Women, Emotions, Relationships  57 Responses »
Jun 112008
 

I am not a slut. I shared a bed with two people at the same time, and it was fun. So, I wrote about it. Period. I was gonna write about it again with more details, but then I noticed aftershocks I wasn’t sure how to interpret. “Twanna,” wrote one of my Facebook friends, “you are a freak, freak, freak.” A close friend said the threesome was “gross” and, later when talking about a bunch of folks crashing at my house in the near future, she added, “I’m sleeping on the floor. If you guys all wanna cuddle up together that’s your own business.” A dude I met twice at networking events sent me a clip on YouPorn after reading my blog. [That link is obviously NSFW because, dude, it's YouPorn.] A few folks scoffed “yeah right” when I told them it was my first threesome experience. Then, of course, there were the two participants. When the girl and the girl emailed the boy the morning after, he didn’t write either back. At a random party, the girl, the girl and the boy pretended not to see each other while standing less than 5 feet away for damn near an hour. What the hell is going on? I wondered. We’re still just talking about sex, right? It’s just sex. Is that so wild and crazy?

“Believe it or not,” I told one of my guy friends (one of the sweetest men in the world), “I’m actually much less scandalous than everyone thinks I am.” Ever the deep and introspective genius, he responded, “It’s not so much about being scandalous. It’s just that you’re a major extrovert & somewhat free from social fetters; that combination, imho, usually allows greater opportunities for sexual experimentation.” Rachel tells me, “People don’t know what to do with you. They’re uncomfortable with the idea that someone can be extremely comfortable with their sexuality and a ‘good girl’ at the same time. But, let’s face it, neither of us is considered wholesome – for whatever that word means nowadays.”

I can’t change who I am. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. So where does that leave me? Honestly? Sobbing while walking alone east on 42nd Street between Lex and 3rd Avenue at 12:32am this morning. I’d just returned from Jahfurry‘s birthday party. It was a great night filled with amazing live music, reggae dancing, tons of interesting people, a really good appetizer plate of bacon-wrapped scallops with BBQ sauce and a guitarist who I honestly thought might throw his instrument down and fuck a random birthday girl in front of all of us. It was a great night. When the party was over, Rachel and I walked toward Grand Central to catch separate trains to our respective homes. We talked about boys, dates, love lives and the way that people perceive sexual women. Why the hell is it so fucking hard to find a man who can handle an extroverted, outgoing, sexually comfortable woman without getting totally fucking freaked out? I’m just looking for a decent guy who isn’t so fucking insecure. Is that too much to ask? I wanted to cry. And, once Rachel and I parted, that’s exactly what I did.

Maybe I intimidate men. Maybe my personality places me squarely on the fringe. Maybe, woulda, shoulda, coulda, I really don’t fucking care anymore. I can’t keep thinking about this shit because it’s driving me crazy. So, I’m going away this weekend. One of my friends’ parents have a place in the Hamptons. A few of us are gonna spend time on the beach and take a break from this fucking city, from life. I swear if anyone in our group asks me questions about the threesome when I’m out there, I just might fucking drown ‘em.

It was just sex. That’s all. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less.

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Photo credit: Tomas Lara

Sex During My Period? Hell No!

 About Women  52 Responses »
Jun 012008
 

[ADVISORY: DON'T EAT WHILE READING THIS.]

“Ewwwww!” I practically scream as my throat closes and gag reflex kicks in. “I’m sooo not a fan of having sex when I’m on my period,” I tell Desiree [NSFW] during yesterday’s brunch in Fort Greene. She disagrees. Like many women and men, she’s okay with “sex on red day.” Me? Let a man enter my slippery red canal and — possibly, if the guy so desires — go oral for a few drops of the thirsty red liquid? My eyes water at the thought. “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit,” I tell her. I whimper and pick up my glass, quickly dousing my throat with fluid to clear the taste of vomit. Desiree smiles.

To be fair, I should explain that I’ve had sex on my period before. Once, I think. It was in Chicago. A male friend that I’ll call “Dude” and I were out drinking and partying. At the end of the night, we went back to my place and took off our clothes. Tired and tipsy, I forgot I was clearing the final day of my period. (It was almost over, but not quite.) As Dude went down on me, he quickly squished up his face, used his fingers to wipe his tongue and cried out in disgust: “¡ay Dios mío! The taste!! YUCK!!! The taaaaaste!!!!” That was the first — and, needless to say, LAST — time I attempted to have crimson sex.

Of course, I know the benefits of canoing the red river: hormones rage, horny level goes up and the risk of pregnancy goes down. And, not to mention, dancing the horizontal Tango reduces cramps. Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever. I’m still not a fan. Sex is best when I feel sexy. I don’t really feel desirable or turned on when I’m bloated, messy, carrying an extra 5 pounds of water weight and flowing like the Mississippi. But, hey, don’t agree with me. You’re feel free to have your own thoughts. So, what say you? Sex & blood — “I love that sh*t” or “that’s f*cking disgusting”?

Related links:
Does menstruation affect my sex drive? (Cosmo)
How should I have sex during my period? (Cosmo)
Have Great Sex While She’s Menstruating (Askmen.com)
Period Sex: A ‘Do’ Or A ‘Don’t'? (Jezebel)
Sex with period and tampon? (Go Ask Alice!)

Photo credit:
Image is from Nicolas Raymond. Montreal, Canada.

NOTE: Check out Desiree’s “pro-period sex” post. [NSFW]

Do You Believe in Soulmates?

 About Women, Relationships  26 Responses »
May 272008
 

Roddykat recently got down with the funky brown by leaving a comment on my Do I Scare the Hell Out of Men? post. He asked, Don’t you wanna be with someone who equals you in strength, personality, expectations and whatever? My answer: Of course. Who doesn’t? :) I know I’ll meet that person. I’m just not sure when or where I’ll meet him — or “them.” I don’t necessarily believe in the idea of one perfect soul mate. A while ago, after reading a post that Heather (a.k.a Dooce) wrote, I said:

I’m not sure what I believe. The cynical side of me says that the whole idea of a soulmate is kind of naïve. I mean, really, I don’t think there’s one “ideal” person any more than I believe that there’s one ideal job. At the same time, the idealist in me believes that there’s nothing more magically beautiful than when two complete strangers meet, get to know each other, and fall crazily in love with the other person’s being.

Okay, so, I’ve made up my mind. I think relationships are just are varied as the people that enter them. For me, my life has very few constants. So, I picture my dating future much like my dating past. I’ll date a certain person who fits me at that point in my life. When/if we outgrow each other or otherwise fall apart, I’ll date someone else.

I know some of you have been getting down with the funky brown for quite a while now. And, I’ve been reading some of your blogs so long that you’ve started (or stopped) dating, had Gawker set you up on a date, had kids and/or got married. Life changes. Sometimes people change. If you left a comment on my original post about soulmates, I’d be curious to know what you think now. Still feel the same? Feel different? Has your relationship status changed? And, for those of you who are somewhat new to getting down with the funky brown, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below too.

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Psssst! Add Roddykat’s blog, The Brown Spoon, to the magical list that includes chocolate, leather and other yummy brown things.

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