Voyeurism and The Proust Questionnaire
Since I’ve started cooking in my home again, I’ve become kind of obsessed with planning dinner parties, salons and other events. I connect to people more deeply when I have them tucked inside my home for a few hours. I get to bypass the surface of “How are you doing?” to ask (and answer) “How are you REALLY doing?” Abiola coined them “Sinner’s Dinner” and I’ve adopted the name. Not sure when my next one will be and who I’ll invite to attend, but I’m thinking of asking guests to answer “The Proust Questionnaire” at the dinner table. It’s not just about discovering someone’s favorite color. The questions and answers actually give you a voyeuristic peak into the lives of others. By the way, most people are familiar The Proust Questionnaire because Inside the Actor’s Studio brought it back into fashion. In case you’re interested, here are some my answers:
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Living my life as I see fit. Pursuing my passions. Hanging out with good friends. Drinking nice wine. Seeing beautiful sunsets. Dipping my toes in warm ocean water on sandy beaches. Practicing my faith in a place of worship that doesn’t judge me. Being loved. Being free.
What is your greatest fear?
Dying alone.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Strength. But, it’s weird; I have a love / hate relationship with this trait. Hear me out …
Ages ago, on This American Life, I listened to Genevieve Jurgensen talk about the death of her two young daughters. After their funeral, she said someone told her: “You will see, you can get used to anything.” She responded. “It is certainly the most simple, true, brutal perceptive thing that anyone said to me at the time. You could interpret it as either a message of hope, or of a crushing contempt of human nature.”
I never know how to react when people tell me they think I’m “strong” or “independent” or whatever. On one hand, it’s a certainly compliment. On the other hand, it’s frustrating because resilience, by definition, is the capacity to withstand and rebound from catastrophe, pain and loss. Hence, the more resilient anyone is, theoretically, the more “practice” they’ve had at sharpening this skill/trait. I remember talking to one of my church’s ministers about how difficult life was for me at a certain point a few years back, and he told me: “Life can be unbearably hard at times.” Yes, it’s true. I know. And, if strength is the product of surviving adversity, sometimes I wish I wasn’t as strong because that would’ve meant I hadn’t experienced as much adversity.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Stubbornness. Bigotry. Closed-mindedness. Ignorance. Pick any; they’re all one in the same.
Which living person do you most admire?
Whoopi Goldberg, Halle Berry, Oprah, Barack Obama, Cher, Madonna, Eminem, Jay-Z, Sean Combs, Zoe Margolis, Abiola Abrams, Rachel Kramer Bussel, my family and others — both known and unknown, famous and obscure — who’ve made their way forward and are doing things they love on their own terms.
What is your current state of mind?
Conflicted about living in New York beyond the next 3 – 5 years. Resolved about my dating life. Happy that I’m living, clothed, fed, sheltered and moving toward being debt free.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity. Seriously, fuck that.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
That I (and women in general) have to do our hair, wear make up and do other seemingly purposeless and annoying things to look “polished.” I know women who won’t leave this house without makeup. Obviously, I’m doing it wrong because I rarely wear the stuff & regularly post pictures online sans makeup and sans curled hair. :)
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Self esteem. Women who have healthy levels of self esteem are generally less bitchy and annoying to deal with than those who don’t.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I say “or something like that” and “right” and “like” and other stuff a lot. I blame my days living in California :)
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
There’s not one “who” because I think everyone has several “great loves” throughout their lives. If I had to answer “what” is my greatest love, I would say happiness. I like being happy.
When and where were you happiest?
Adulthood.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I’d like to have a better singing voice.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Happiness and positivity. Neither came easily, I work at both.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A butterfly. They’re really pretty. I like looking at them. So, yeah, either that or a chocolate cupcake. Or, maybe, a stone.
Where would you most like to live?
At the moment, I’m okay in New York. When I look into the future, I think I’d eventually like to save more money, plan for early retirement, buy property, have a bigass dog for a pet, grow a garden, etc. It’s not impossible to do these things in New York, but it’s certainly harder to achieve that stuff here than it is in other places. Five years into the future, I will have lived in NYC for a decade. That’s a good run. Not sure where I’d go after that. Maybe I’ll stay here. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I return abroad. Maybe I won’t. Who knows.
What is your favorite occupation?
In the past it was international affairs / international education. Now, it’s writing.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty. Integrity. Honesty.
Who are your favorite writers?
Too many to list!!! Langston Hughes, Anne Frank, Gabriel García Márquez, Kafka, Hans Massaquoi …
What is it that you most dislike?
Shitty people.
What is your greatest regret?
I don’t have regrets, per se. I have tons of mistakes that I’ve learned from, and I try to apply that knowledge whenever I’m in similar situations. For example, I used to live in London by myself. I left because I was scared and didn’t know if things would work out in the long run. In New York, when things didn’t work out in the beginning, I stayed because I already knew what it was like to run away.
How would you like to die?
Without pain, in my sleep while dreaming about my loved ones.
What is your motto?
Life is short. Enjoy it.
