If the weather isn’t affecting me, it could be something else. Maybe the book. I’ve said: “After it’s finished, everything is up in the air.” Will I stay in New York or move to a different city? If I move, will I stay in the U.S. or go back to Europe? I’ll likely always be online; however, will I keep writing for magazines and newspapers (a dying, underpaid art form) or will I switch to film and television writing (growing, higher paid). Speaking of money, maybe the economy is kicking my ass toward more self reflection? There’s nothing like a good ol’ fashion recession to shake everything up and make you wonder: Is what I’m doing at this very moment worthwhile, important and true to my dreams? Currently, thankfully, the answer is yes. I want to write a book. I want to live in New York. Still, I’m kind of of turning a lot of different “longterm” ideas around in my head.

I find life transitions exciting, fun, scary, interesting and challenging. I’m not risk averse; I’ve moved around a lot and worked in different fields. I was a bartender in London, taught in Florida, managed film courses in Chicago, led a theater program in New York and dabbled in a bunch of other things in between. The most interesting part about making a “life change” is the period right before I make the jump. It’s that “what if” part. What if I do ___? What if I stay right where I am? I’m never 100% certain of the outcome. Ah, Uncertainty.

Do you mind a tangent? No? Okay, good. Have you seen the movie Sliding Doors? I thought it was really good, though I often wonder if it’s because I overidentified with the film’s “what if” theme. The plot developed as Gwynnie Paltrow ran to catch a train. Semi spoiler: In one scenario, she arrived home in time to catch her boyfriend cheating on her. In the other scenario, she arrived late and didn’t find out he was screwing around. It gets interesting because you see how her life radically changes based on such an insignificant act: catching a train. It’s worth mentioning, when I saw the movie, I was living in London and I hadn’t yet decided if I would return to the U.S. or stay in England. In the end, I left.

Fast forward 11 years. I’m in New York now. There’s a new movie, Uncertainty. Go look at its Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter. Pssst! If you’re a fellow New Yorker, see Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who, by the way, looks A LOT like that Terminator kid,  a young Edward Furlong) in person along with directors David Siegel and Scott McGehee at the Friday evening shows. See IFC Center for details. The timing of the film’s opening is quite serendipitous. Description: “What if? A couple at a crossroads in their relationship, facing, one fateful July 4, the seemingly simple decision between a family barbecue or dim sum in Chinatown. Splitting the tale in two, exploring what happens as the couple follow both options and the consequences of making a choice–or not.” Should be interesting. That’s all. I don’t really have much else to say. Just, you know, thinking about being an adult and living everyday life.

————–
Credit paid: Image above appears courtesy of IFC Films.

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Have You Ever Wondered: WHAT IF …

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Living my life as I see fit. Pursuing my passions. Hanging out with good friends. Drinking nice wine. Seeing beautiful sunsets. Dipping my toes in warm ocean water on sandy beaches. Practicing my faith in a place of worship that doesn’t judge me. Being loved. Being free.

What is your greatest fear?

Dying alone.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Strength. But, it’s weird; I have a love / hate relationship with this trait. Hear me out …

Ages ago, on This American Life, I listened to Genevieve Jurgensen talk about the death of her two young daughters. After their funeral, she said someone told her: “You will see, you can get used to anything.” She responded. “It is certainly the most simple, true, brutal perceptive thing that anyone said to me at the time. You could interpret it as either a message of hope, or of a crushing contempt of human nature.”

I never know how to react when people tell me they think I’m “strong” or “independent” or whatever. On one hand, it’s a certainly compliment. On the other hand, it’s frustrating because resilience, by definition, is the capacity to withstand and rebound from catastrophe, pain and loss. Hence, the more resilient anyone is, theoretically, the more “practice” they’ve had at sharpening this skill/trait. I remember talking to one of my church’s ministers about how difficult life was for me at a certain point a few years back, and he told me: “Life can be unbearably hard at times.” Yes, it’s true. I know. And, if strength is the product of surviving adversity, sometimes I wish I wasn’t as strong because that would’ve meant I hadn’t experienced as much adversity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Stubbornness. Bigotry. Closed-mindedness. Ignorance. Pick any; they’re all one in the same.

Which living person do you most admire?

Whoopi Goldberg, Halle Berry, Oprah, Barack Obama, Cher, Madonna, Eminem, Jay-Z, Sean Combs, Zoe Margolis, Abiola Abrams, Rachel Kramer Bussel, my family and others — both known and unknown, famous and obscure — who’ve made their way forward and are doing things they love on their own terms.

What is your current state of mind?

Conflicted about living in New York beyond the next 3 – 5 years. Resolved about my dating life. Happy that I’m living, clothed, fed, sheltered and moving toward being debt free.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity. Seriously, fuck that.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That I (and women in general) have to do our hair, wear make up and do other seemingly purposeless and annoying things to look “polished.” I know women who won’t leave this house without makeup. Obviously, I’m doing it wrong because I rarely wear the stuff & regularly post pictures online sans makeup and sans curled hair. :)

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Honesty.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Self esteem. Women who have healthy levels of self esteem are generally less bitchy and annoying to deal with than those who don’t.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

I say “or something like that” and “right” and “like” and other stuff a lot. I blame my days living in California :)

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

There’s not one “who” because I think everyone has several “great loves” throughout their lives. If I had to answer “what” is my greatest love, I would say happiness. I like being happy.

When and where were you happiest?

Adulthood.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I’d like to have a better singing voice.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Happiness and positivity. Neither came easily, I work at both.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

A butterfly. They’re really pretty. I like looking at them. So, yeah, either that or a chocolate cupcake. Or, maybe, a stone.

Where would you most like to live?

At the moment, I’m okay in New York. When I look into the future, I think I’d eventually like to save more money, plan for early retirement, buy property, have a bigass dog for a pet, grow a garden, etc. It’s not impossible to do these things in New York, but it’s certainly harder to achieve that stuff here than it is in other places. Five years into the future, I will have lived in NYC for a decade. That’s a good run. Not sure where I’d go after that. Maybe I’ll stay here. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I return abroad. Maybe I won’t. Who knows.

What is your favorite occupation?

In the past it was international affairs / international education. Now, it’s writing.

What do you most value in your friends?

Loyalty. Integrity. Honesty.

Who are your favorite writers?

Too many to list!!! Langston Hughes, Anne Frank, Gabriel García Márquez, Kafka, Hans Massaquoi …

What is it that you most dislike?

Shitty people.

What is your greatest regret?

I don’t have regrets, per se. I have tons of mistakes that I’ve learned from, and I try to apply that knowledge whenever I’m in similar situations. For example, I used to live in London by myself. I left because I was scared and didn’t know if things would work out in the long run. In New York, when things didn’t work out in the beginning, I stayed because I already knew what it was like to run away.

How would you like to die?

Without pain, in my sleep while dreaming about my loved ones.

What is your motto?

Life is short. Enjoy it.

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Voyeurism and The Proust Questionnaire

If you could pick a “Theme Song” for today, what would YOU choose?

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It’s going to be a sunny 71° F in NYC today.

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A Sudden Epiphany

Last night. Outside Molton Brown’s SoHo location. 128 Spring Street, New York, NY.

Today. My bathroom sink. I bought Skinfresh facial wash, Skinbalance tonight lotion and Facezone Overnight Renewal. (I still use Clinique’s daily moisturizer (yellow container) because it has SPF.)

Urban Gypsy getting a mini-facial last night.

Now that I look at all the pictures, I wish I took a group shot of our faces because everyone looked so pretty and relaxed after our mini-facials and massages. See that? Brown on Brown Love! :) Given my friends and I walked out with bags of purchased goodies hanging from our fingers, I guess the Molton Brown + Funky Brown Chick affair was a smart business move. That said, I don’t get the impression they throw private parties w/ wine and massages for everyone who walks in the store. So, I’m grateful for their kindness and generosity.

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In Pictures: Molton Brown + Funky Brown Chick = Brown Love Affair

“I went into the conversation thinking it was wrong to let a young child make the decision to change his or her gender. I came out of lunch thinking, ‘I have to help this woman find friends for her daughter. Her daughter who has a penis.’”

[ Continue reading: Transgendered Children ]

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Reading: Transgendered Children – The Story that Changed My Mind

Now, on a much lighter note … This sexual harassment / office humor video from Ebaums world is sooo wrong … and hilarious (h/t to @VioletBlue for the link)! If the clip above doesn’t load, you can see it on YouTube.

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A HILARIOUS Sexual Harassment Video

I only decided to church in person because: (1) Pam encouraged me; (2) there was always the slim chance I might discover the man of my dreams sitting in the pew next to me; and (3) it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m glad I did because the minister made the point: Sometimes we neglect to make changes in our lives because we’re too “used to” and comfortable with where we are. Then he gave a few reasons why we might fear letting go of prejudices, relationships, people, jobs or other negative things that rob us of our joy. The lesson was: Shake it off. Wash it off. Get rid of what no longer works.

Although it’s not my favorite quality, I’m a worrier. I need to let that go. I worry my friends will all go the traditional route (marriage & kids) and we’ll grow apart and I’ll be lonely. I sometimes fear living in New York will eventually bankrupt me, and I won’t have any money saved for retirement. And, I worry men here won’t find me attractive as I get older because I’m not high maintenance enough to do botox, surgery, daily make-up applications or other bullshit stuff women do to be “beautiful.” Ridiculous, I know. But, these are the random thoughts that enter my head when I’m on my own — you know, the kind of stuff I don’t bring up publicly when I’m out for a beer with friends because I’m afraid I’ll sound silly. (I can write it here because, quite frankly, I type out my posts as if no one will ever read them. It allows me to be more honest.) Anyway. Karma, G-d, Allah, Buddha, The Universe or whatever. Doesn’t matter; they all pretty much say the same thing: Worry is futile. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (That’s the Bible.) “Worrying is simply praying for what I don’t want. Who wants that??” (Sati instructor Darbi Worley). Worry is like acting as a child who fears the monster under their mattress. The only way to face it is to climb down and look under the bed. If there is a monster, fucking slay it. If there isn’t one, you’ll know the fear was for naught. In either case, get on with your life. (I’m very loosely paraphrasing a message from Patricia Moreno’s Sati Life “I love my body” Warrior Body Facebook community.) So, yeah, I’m making an honest effort to stop worrying about my future. By the way, if you’re in New York, I HIGHLY recommend Darbi Worley’s 6:45 a.m. Intensati classes in Washington Square Park. Very inspirational. Not much else to say. Just needed to get the “worry” stuff off my chest.

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Worrying About The Future?

By the way, in case you were wondering, I’m moving because I wanted something more centrally located. In 2005, when I first moved to New York, I lived in the West Village and, later, Hell Kitchen. Both neighborhoods were great. But,  I lost my job shortly after settling in. I wasn’t freelancing yet, so my funds plummeted. I pretty much started living off my credit cards and I totally fucking wrecked my credit. :( I didn’t talk (or blog) about it a lot because I was embarrassed. I thought my credit score was like a GPA for the “Are you being a good, responsible adult?” test, and I was flunking because my rank was bottom floor low. On top of that, I thought I was going to be forced to leave New York because I couldn’t afford to live here anymore. Luckily, things worked out and I got back on track. That sentence sounds more “passive” than it should be. Getting back on track didn’t just “happen.” I fought like hell for it. I sold all of my furniture and decreased my expenses by moving further out of the city into a furnished apartment. I also increased my income by working more than one gig: took on social media consulting projects, added more pay-per-click ads to my site, did more freelance article writing, etc. etc. Now that I’ve finally figured out how to live as a freelancer in New York, things are going well. I’ve been stable, making money and fixing my credit for a little while now. Hence, the move. New life. New start. New apartment. I still have to buy furniture to make it feel like home, but I’m going to furnish the whole place with 90% thrift store bargains and  found items. It’s a more unique, greener and less expensive way to decorate. See image below or click here to see pieces and layouts I’m considering:

Yep, that’s exactly 439 square feet of new home located only a few blocks from Central Park. In New York, I swear the rents are based 90% on location and only 10% on square footage. Take that guy Kevin Patterson, for example. He’s a New Yorker and he won Apartment Therapy’s contest for the smallest, coolest, teeny tiny apartment. His place is 210 square feet and his monthly rent is $1,550. I’m originally from Illinois — where $1,550/month is considered a “luxury” rate — so I’m still dealing with the sticker shock. Paying less than $2,000/month is actually a really GOOD DEAL for the Upper West Side. This city is insane. Actually — and, yes, this is totally off topic but — speaking of “only in New York” stuff, did you see that New York Times story about the place with a drug dealer as the previous tenant? When the current tenant dude was on vacation, people actually broke into his apartment and tore up the floorboards to get $900,000 rumored to be buried under there. Needless to say, the new guy is moving to a different place now. Glad my previous tenant was a totally awesome chick in new media who (to my knowledge) didn’t stash extra drug cash under the floor. Hmmm, actually, I would’ve liked the extra cash … just not, you know, that whole “druglords chasing it” stuff. ;) Anyway. It’s going to take me a little while to settle in and get the place presentable. I’ll post additional pictures as it starts to looks more like a “home” rather than four bare walls and a floor.

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Life in New York City: I’m Moving (Again)

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Last Post: No More Funky Brown Chick