Manly Mondays

Manly Monday: Colin Sex Machine Powell

Oct 202008

Spent the better part of my early AM hours scouring the internet for nude Colin Powell photos. Why? Because endorsing Obama scored him a ticket as today’s Manly Monday pick. Usually, I post hot pics of the Monday dudes. Though Powell appears regal and important in the image you see here, he doesn’t look, you know, sexy. He’s got sex appeal, so why does he oh-so-rarely whip it out and lay it on the camera? “Bring it, gramps. BRING IT!!! We want the sexyface!!”

Speaking of sexy factor. The blog Free Ass Press wrote a hilarious post in which the “reporter” confuses decorated military man and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell with the drunken actor Colin Farrell. “Getting off the fence for the first time in this long presidential campaign, actor Colin Farrell endorsed Barack Obama for president on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press’ program yesterday morning. ‘You bet yer bits I support him,’ Farrell, who is not a U.S. [citizen], told moderator Tom Brokaw before downing three pints of Smithwick’s, belching loudly and then lighting a cigarette. ‘The guy just has somethin’ about him, something that Mick John McCain doesn’t.’” What’s more? After the endorsement, ~~Powell~~ Farrell “went on an extended bender in Los Angeles, where he bedded two models, a movie-studio executive and a cocker spaniel before flying home to his flat in Dublin, Ohio.” Oh my goodness. :)

Anyway. Happy Monday, folks! Just a little something to lighten up a fairly political day. For me, it began with reading this bullshit and was quickly followed by a swift “wrist smack” from The Dark Overlords of Facebook. Apparently, this picture is obscene because the top 39% of Tess‘ left areola (not even the nipple!!) is kind of sort of visible. :( So, Facebook yanked the photo off the 2009 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar launch party invite page, sent me an email with the subject “Facebook Warning” and made me check this box on my account to swear that I’d be a good girl from now on. Sheesh.

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Photo credit: Wikipedia

Manly Mondays – Top 10 Hottest DILFs

Manly Mondays 24 Responses »

Oct 132008

If you’re reading this, it means the stock market hasn’t crashed, (some of) you still have jobs, the economy is still working, we’re not all out on the street selling apples (or our bodies) for quick cash AND it’s Manly Monday on FUNKY BROWN CHICK. Here on the blog, we’ve talked about GILFs and MILFs, but never DILFs. Borrowing a page from Cosmo’s playbook (them: hottest bachelors, me: hottest dads), here’s a list of the Top 10 Hottest DILFs Ever!!!

LENNY KRAVITZ has a daughter ZoÃ« Isabella Kravitz with Lisa Bonet. Hottest Rocker DILF.

GABRIEL AUBRY has a daughter named Nahla Ariela Aubry with Halle Berry. Hottest French Canadian DILF.

BENJAMIN BRATT and his wife Talisa Soto have a daughter Sophia Rosalinda Bratt and son Mateo Bravery Bratt. Hottest DILF with the best smile.

DAVID BECKHAM has three sons — Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz — with Victoria Beckham. (Y’all, his oldest son will be legal in just 10 YEARS!!!!) Hottest Footballing / Balling / Soccer-Playing DILF

JON STEWART has a son named Nathan Thomas Stewart and daughter Maggie Rose Stewart with Tracey McShane. Hottest Jewish DILF Ever!!

BARACK OBAMA had two beautful daughters — Malia Ann and “Sasha” — with wife Michelle Obama. Hottest Presidential DILF.

RICKY MARTIN has twins via an unnamed surrogate mom. At the time of their birth, Martin didn’t tell the press their names. Hottest “OMG-He-Could-Be-A-Gay-Dad” DILF.

PATRICK DEMPSEY was 21 when he married 48-year-old acting coach Rochelle “Rocky” Parker. Her son, Corey Parker, was one year older than his new stepfather but Dempsey’s got three other children (with his second wife, Jillian Fink) who are actually younger than he is — Tallulah Fyfe and twins Darby Galen and Sullivan Patrick. Hottest DILF You’d Like to Play Doctor With.

WILL SMITH has a son Willard Christopher III (called “Trey”, appeared in video “Just The Two Of Us”) with first wife Sheree Zampino. Smith and his second wife, Jada Pinkett, have a son Jaden Christopher Syre (starred in “The Pursuit of Happyness”) and daughter Willow Camille Reign (was in “I Am Legend”).

WHO’S NUMBER 10? YOU TELL ME. USE THE COMMENTS SECTION TO TELL US WHO YOU THINK SHOULD BE THE ADDED TO THE LIST OF TOP 10 HOTTEST DILFs.

Manly Monday: The Cosmopolitan Bachelor

Manly Mondays 27 Responses »

Oct 062008

Okay, so, my little Nikita spy at Cosmopolitan magazine tipped me off that the annual Cosmo bachelors contest launches today. Same deal as last year, I think. Go to the site. Drool over the photos. Vote. I already peeked, and I can tell you this: The. Guys. All. Look. Alike. Watch the parade of fresh-faced, hairless/waxed/shaven-chested, “All-American” Ken dolls in brown and peach versions — including two dudes from Michigan. Heeeey, why the hell is the Wolverine State so fucking special???Â ;)

VIDEO: http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/10/66212/

Where’d they find these guys? Abercrombie & Fitch?!?!?! Cosmo seems to have a type.Â Hmmm … On a related note, the “doesn’t everyone have a type?” conversation came up Saturday night during my trip to DC to see Mags and catch the NKOTB reunion tour. (Don’t ask.) Bro, Mags, a blogger named Match [NSFW] and I eventually ended up at Chi Cha Lounge. Around 1am, I spotted this GORGEOUS man with short thick black hair, charcoal eyelashes, big brown eyes and a dark olive-complexion. OnlyÂ a couple feet away from me and dressed in a nice suit, he danced his ass off to Elvis Crespo’s Suavemente. SEXY!!! I totally fucking swooned. “See that guy?” I told Match. “I think he’s hot.”

I swear I date the same guy — just dipped in different coats of paint. Sometimes they’re peach. Sometimes they’re dark brown. Sometimes they’re dulce de leche. But, it’s basically the same dude. Identical features. Works in finance. Usually foreign. Alpha male. Needless to say — and as evidenced by my sometimes vomitworthy NYC dating life — my “type” isn’t necessarily working out for me. “You say you think the New York dating scene is like a playground,” relationships coach Keith Dent recently told me at Starbucks the other day after I mentioned I’m repeating the same patterns in my dating life. “But, if you’re playing in the same playground, you’re only going to encounter the same players, right?” I agree. I know I need to mingle in different circles and meet a wider variety of guys. Tons of Manhattan dudes neither work in media nor finance. I wanna meet them. You know, I totally had a point in the blog post. But, I’m not sure if I remember what it was and/or if I ever made it. Long story short? Saw the Cosmo dudes. Thought they all look a little Abercrotchieish — a look I don’t usually go for, by the way. And, it made me come back to that “Does Everyone Have a Type?” question. I certainly do. What say you?

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NOTE: By the way, speaking of “Abercrotchie” … The dude representing my home state, Illinois, is Kyle Rudduck (pictured, photo credit: image is online at Cosmo). ~~I can’t be sure it’s the same guy, but a Chicagoan named Kyle Rudduck on Facebook and LinkedIn~~ { UPDATE: See the comments section; it’s the same guy. He just friended me on Facebook. } says he was an auditing intern at … drum roll, please … Abercrombie & Fitch. Coincidence? Hmmm …

Manly Monday: Fatman Scoop from Man and Wife

Culture, Manly Mondays 9 Responses »

Sep 292008

Oooh, it’s Manly Monday again. I love boys — in all forms they come. ;)Â Mmmmm, I *almost* made Sugarbutch Chronicles’ Sinclair Sexsmith the new Manly Monday pick, but I think I’m gonna do that later and tie in a discuss about sexuality & gender politics. Some day. Just not today. The Funky Brown Chick pick for Monday, September 29th, is Fatman Scoop from MTV‘s MAN and WIFE. Some of you longtime FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers may be thinking, “Man and Wife … I’ve heard of that.” Of course you have! Lux, Jamye, Rachel and I were guests on the show for Shanda’s ladies night out. (Watch the episode.)

Scoop’s GREAT! Definitely a super funny guy & he’s really good at what he does. After I met him, he mentioned he travels & works in Amsterdam a lot. So, of course, that makes me like him even more. I used to live in the Netherlands, and I count it as a second “home” of sorts. But, back to Scoop. Catch him and Shanda on MTV for the MAN and WIFE series premiere tonight at 11 PM ET/PT. From the website: “Man and Wife break new ground as the first married couple in the hip-hop genre discussing sex, money, sex, relationships, sex, jobs, sex, politics, sex, marriage, and yes, sex! [...] Scoop and Shanda are fierce advocates of safe sex, responsibility, monogamy, respect, hard work, and loyalty. This is a show about building and strengthening relationships for anyone who’s in love or looking for love. Open and honest communication for all is their mission, with great sex as life’s ultimate bonus.”

Series Premieres September 29th At 11 PM ET/PT.

Manly Monday: Jezebel – The Unfuckables

Manly Mondays 10 Responses »

Sep 222008

Happy Manly Monday! “In this day and age,” say the lovely folks over at Jezebel, “it is truly not that hard to get laid. Or rather, it shouldn’t be.” Their post, A Guy’s Guide To Not Getting It On, goes on to explain how — due to “some combination of egotism, stupidity, bad text-messaging skills and utter immaturity” — a bunch of guys somehow manage to fuck up their chances. “I believe we can call these men The Unfuckables.” Damn, I love Jezebel! In case you missed it last week, their real-life, what-not-to-do examples were really funny and the posted comments are even more hilarious. My favorites?

“Don’t ever say ‘Do you want me to give you a blowjob?’ I’m a girl. The language doesn’t work both ways.”

“Don’t hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.”

“Don’t text me on a Tuesday night after midnight ‘I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted.’ I’m not.”

“Don’t call it ‘my junk’ or any pet names when asking me to touch it. In fact, don’t ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don’t want to.”

“Do not try to pick up a black woman by saying, ‘Hey, I’m going to a rap concert tonight! Hope I don’t get shot!’ ::finger guns:: “

“Don’t lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.”

Brilliant, huh? Except the anti-public groping one; I’m actually a fan of that stuff. Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, feel free to use the comments section to post personal examples of random ways past dates / catcallers / others screwed their chances of hooking up with you. Or, even better, head over to Jezebel to read the original post and the sequel. HOURS of tear-producing, stomach-hurting laughs, I tell ya. Seriously.

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Photo Credit: Image by Irineu I Degasperi

Note: When image googling “unfuckables” for a good pic for this post, pictures of both Hillary Clinton and Jesus Christ showed up on the results’ first page. Bizarre.

Manly Monday: I Heart Canadian Boys

Manly Mondays 14 Responses »

Sep 152008

When I blogged anonymously, I used to write juicy details about a French Canadian dude / former boytoy from my Chicago days. We’re still in touch. Now that I’m 100% out there (i.e. writing and blogging using my real name, Twanna, and not only “funkybrownchick”), it makes me feel a little self conscious to know the little Frenchie now reads my stuff. Like, for example, last week I wrote “one French Canadian guyâ€™s [penis] was so thick that it was actually really really uncomfortable and we had trouble getting it in.” What happens almost immediately after I post that? I get a Facebook private email from the Frenchie:

To: Twanna A. Hines
From: XXXXXXX
Subject: Yo

Ok… I just read your blog today, and before I start bragging about it and let it get to my head, I want to confirm whether I’m the french canadian you’re talking about in your blog today (does size matter)… or is there actually a french canadian dude with a bigger one? Me curious.

Boys, boys, boys. I tell ya. They’re something special, aren’t they? Hmm … Maybe that Canadian site that hooks Canadian men up with American women, MarryanAmerican.ca, should run TV & radio ads that say Come to Canada, where EVERYTHING is bigger!!!

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NOTE: A couple Twitter folks recently asked about my book project. Pssst! Speaking of Twitter, I redesigned my page. Looky. Wait. Where was I? Oh, yeah. A couple months ago, I planned to quit freelance writing while I finished working on two books, dividing my time between: 0% freelance articles, 50% tell-all sex book and 50% anthology. I’ve since changed my mind. I’m putting the anthology on hold to focus on the sex book 70 and freelancing 30%.

Let’s see, what can I tell you about the book? It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written. It’s kind of a “tell-all” of my life and it’s 100% true. Definitely not chick lit. Definitely not just a collection of posts from this blog. Surprising. Different. Quirky. Funky. If you have any questions about it, feel free to ask ‘em in the comments section below. Otherwise, expect periodic updates here on FUNKY BROWN CHICK.

Manly Monday: Does Size Matter?

Manly Mondays 33 Responses »

Sep 082008

Women reach their sexual peaks in their late 30s / early 40s. I think that has more to do with self esteem and less to do with hormones. If we’re comfortable (and secure!) with our bodies, we’re more likely to enjoy sex. I can’t say that I’ve noticed any crazy changes in my hormones as time passes. But, I have noticed something else has changed: I’ve grown pickier about “size.” I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22 years old, and I was in a longterm, committed relationship pretty quickly thereafter. So, the bulk of my “experience” has been in recent years. Now that I have a broader comparison base, I notice some are longer, some are shortly. One French Canadian guy’s was so thick that it was actually really really uncomfortable and we had trouble getting it in. (I’m small; is that TMI?!?!) I could espouse the joys of being with a big guy. At the same time, I’ve certainly had thrilling “Os” with little guys who really knew how to work their magic and please women. So, having thought about all of this and strung together a bunch of sentence that will undoubtedly lead you all to (incorrectly) assume I’m a big slut, I’ll ask this: Does size matter? Or, is technique more important? Ladies, I’ve got a lot of guys reading this blog, so please don’t hold back. Be honest and tell us what you really think. Guys, feel free to share your thoughts and tell us how YOU feel about the “size” issue. Comments are open. Share your thoughts.

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Photo Credit: Anka Zolnierzak. London, UK

Manly Monday: Kill an Olympic Sport

Manly Mondays 24 Responses »

Aug 252008

I totally caught Olympic Fever!!! I saw theÂ US men’s swim team competitions on TV, contemplated touching myself every time Jamaican Usain Bolt ran or French Canadian Alexandre Despatie dove, and got hooked on rumors about women’s beach volleyball team member Misty May Treanor’s friendship with Jason Kidd. She has his number trampstamped. Um. Friendship. Okay. Moving right along …

Did you know “tug of war” used to be an Olympic sport? No, really, I’m not shitting you. Once upon a time, people actually got gold medals for using their hands to pull rope. Just like The Tug eventually got yanked off the schedule, watching the Summer Olympics made me think a few other sports should get cut. It’s Manly Monday. So, tell me, if you could choose, which men’s summer sport would you vote off the Olympic island?

BADMINTON
ARCHERY
BMX CYCLING
WEIGHT LIFTING
TABLE TENNIS

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Photo credit: Cute little mauve images appear online at Olympics.org

Manly Monday: The Fury of Ara Abrahamian

Manly Mondays 16 Responses »

Aug 182008

After looking over the list of nominees for the Black Weblog Awards, I picked up my laptop, violently spiked it on the ground and screamed out in fit of roid rage, “I don’t want that award!!!!!!! I came here to win gold!!!!!!” Yes, people, if you’ve not heard to news: Ara Abrahamian is a madman. More on that in a bit …

Welcome to Manly Monday. In case you didn’t know, I’m a single, funky brown chick in New York City. I write about sex, dating and relationships on this blog, in print and online magazine articles and in (upcoming) books. It would be easy to be a jaded single woman who bitches & moans about her dating life. Truth be told, sometimes I am that woman. But, for better or worse, I like men. A lot. Most of my exboyfriends, fuckbuddies, friends, dates and other dudes have been amazing guys. They’ve planned my surprise birthday parties, fucked me really good when I needed it, kissed me in ways that made me feel cherished and gave me dinners, presents, drinks and priceless things like love, affection and companionship. I adore men. So, at the top of every week, we pay homage to the earth’s bedicked in a series called “Manly Mondays.” We’ve talked about men who date older women, Asian dudes, Pete Cashmore, white guys who date brown chicks, our favorite black nerds and we’ve also told guys how to hide their erections when needed. Today’s Manly Monday pick? ~~Olympian~~ Ara Abrahamian.

Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian is a 33-year-old lunatic. After losing to Italy’s Andrea Minguzzi, Ara got in the refereeâ€™s face, screamed out at International Olympic Committee officials, used his fist to punch some type of metal safety barrier thing and then … hereâ€™s the good part … WON a bronze medal for his earlier wrestling performance. Yes, people, the dude took the #3 slot in a worldwide competition. Thatâ€™s quite an accomplishment, right?

Nope. Mr. Grumpypants wasn’t happy at all. After they gave Ara his award, he took it off his neck, dropped it on the ground and walked away. “I don’t care about this medal,” he told reporters. “I wanted gold.” A symbol of peace, love and happiness Ara is not. So, the IOC stripped him of his medal calling Ara’s behavior, “in itself an insult to the other athletes and to the Olympic movement. It is also contrary to the spirit of fair play.” You tell me: The Fury of Ara Abrahamian. Yes, they should’ve taken his medal away from him *OR* no, he rightfully earned it and he should’ve been allowed to keep it.

Now, circling back to a competition mentioned in the begining of this post …THANK YOU to everyone who nominated my site (FUNKY BROWN CHICK) for a BWA. I’m a finalist. :) Yay!!! Smooches and hugs for the support. Pretty please vote for me and some of my favorite blogs like Pam’s House Blend, Jack & Jill Politics, The Black Snob, Afrobella, Yeah … I Said IT / ListenToLeon and a bunch of other great blogs.